by Hart, Eve R.
I knew it was going to be a long drive and so I ended up making many stops. I must have looked silly doing laps around my car to wake myself up. Oh, and I couldn’t even tell you how many energy drinks I downed. I even sat in a diner guzzling horrible coffee for a good two hours. I should have found a place to sleep for a few hours, but I kept pushing on. It still ended up taking me a day to make the trip.
I swung open the door of my car. I knew this was a bad idea but it was the only one I could come up with. I was sure that Melody would hate me now. She’d once been my closest friend, but when I left to take care of Dade, I sort of cut all ties with this place. I hadn’t been mean. I just sort of barely answered calls and text. Eventually, we drifted apart until there was nothing to hold us together, I guess.
Yeah, she probably hated me.
And I couldn’t blame her.
Well, I was here, so might as well find out.
I walked up the cute stone path to the porch. Her dad had bought her this house as a graduation present. Did I mention that she came from money? Well, she did. But it wasn’t like it was a big deal to me, because I was sort of the same. Yep, I cringed when I admitted that. The difference between our parents was that her dad liked to give her everything and anything she ever wanted, while mine thought things should be earned. It was something that I was a little jealous of growing up, but now I was happy for it. I think it made it easier to be out on my own and not get sucked back into this life that I hated so much.
To my parents, money was a way to get what they wanted. It always came back down to that. If I brought home good grades, I got to go shopping. If I acted right at their dinners, I was rewarded with taking that dance class that I had wanted so badly.
I quickly learned how to be a puppet.
And I realized just as quickly that I hated it.
But it didn’t matter anymore. The truth about me not being perfect was out and there was no use in trying to hide it now. I was a disappointment, just like my brother had been. I may not have been able to shake it all off at this point, but I had been working on it.
The distance had helped.
The new friends and sense of closeness with the club did too.
I was stupid for coming back here.
Before I could turn around and go back to my car, the front door opened.
“Abigail?” Melody’s voice said with a mix of surprise and hurt.
“Hi,” I said lamely and tossed my hand up in a wave. “How’s it going?”
“Um,” she said shaking herself out of her shock. “I have to be honest with you, I never thought I’d see you again. What are you doing here?” Her tone was a little bitter, causing me to wince. I couldn’t blame her though.
I noticed how she hadn’t invited me in. That should have been a big warning sign to get the heck out of there.
“Well, you see… I’m not really sure. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have—”
“Honey, have you seen my watch?” a male voice asked from behind her. In her house. Behind her in her house.
The color left her face in a flash and all I could do was blink. I knew that voice. I knew that voice so friggin’ well.
“Honey? Who’s at the door?”
The door pulled open all the way and I wasn’t even a little bit prepared to see this.
“Abigail,” he breathed out. Yeah, he was just as shocked as I was.
“Troy,” I said trying my best to smile. I could feel the strain on my face. “Hi. Long time no see, huh.”
He blinked at me then shook his head.
“Yeah. It’s been a while. You look good.”
“Thanks? You too.”
“Your watch is next to the sink,” Melody cut in. “I polished it for you.”
“Thanks. Yeah, I should go before I’m late.”
Then it happened and I felt like I was in some sort of crazy movie. She tilted her head, a clear indication that she was waiting for a kiss. An obvious sign that she kissed him often. A huge tell that my once best friend was now with my ex-boyfriend. The virginity taker, as I called him in my head and the weird thing was, she knew that. She knew about it all. Because we had been BFFs, and BFFs talked about everything.
He hesitated for a split second before he bent down and placed a quick peck on her lips. I saw the blingy rings on her finger as she brought her hand up to cradle his face.
This was friggin’ weird.
And awkward.
And so many other things.
With one last glance at me, he moved off back into the depths of the house. The kitchen, surely, because that was where his spiffy polished watch was.
Did I sound a little bitter?
Maybe I was but not because I wanted this life. I really didn’t. I guess I was still a little shocked from catching that huge bomb that had been dropped on me out of nowhere.
“So you’re diddling my ex, huh?” I hadn’t meant to say that.
“Um, yeah,” she said with a grimace. “Do you want to come in?”
“Sure,” I replied as I heard the garage door start to rise, telling me that Troy was now leaving. Off to work, I assumed by the way he was dressed, probably at his father’s law firm. He’d be doing the crap work but he would be proving that he could juggle more than one thing.
I barely held back the chuckle thinking how his life had probably gone just like it was planned to. He had the wife, she came with a nice house. He was probably busting his rump at college and would be off to law school right after. Basically, he’d become his dad. And not that I was making fun or judging, but it was painfully obvious that Melody was becoming her mom. Or ‘her worst nightmare’ as she’d always put it.
As hard as it was to think about, it made me realize that I was glad I got out.
“Would you like some coffee?” she asked as I followed her into the kitchen.
I looked around and not a single thing had changed. It still had that ‘I hired someone to make it look this good’ feel and I couldn’t find a single thing that made it feel personal. The kitchen was just too white and not any kind of indication that it was used all that much. I couldn’t tell if it was because she spent her days cleaning it or if she hired someone to take care of it for her. Around here it was never talked about. Women had their place, part of that was to stay at home, look pretty, and make sure things on this end ran smoothly. But when you had money coming out of your ears like her, you could get away with doing less.
That never would have been acceptable with my dad.
Weekends I spent cleaning the house top to bottom right alongside my mom. After dinner each night, it was my place to do the dishes. I use to hate it when I was younger. Come on, what six-year-old liked to scrub crusty pots when they could be playing? As I got older, I found myself minding it less and less. Maybe I’d simply accepted that it was my life and there was nothing that could be done about it. Then again, I thought back to the compound. I was always doing the dishes there and I never seemed to mind it. Somehow that felt different though. Like it wasn’t something I had to do but chose to.
“Abigail?” Melody said snapping me out of my thoughts. “Coffee?”
“Sure, if you’re going to have some.”
“Oh, I can’t drink it right now. But I don’t mind making it for you,” she said with a smile. It was forced, I could tell.
“Why can’t—” I started then caught on real quick. The same reason B hovered over Laurel constantly. The same reason he made sure to tell me not to let her have any caffeine. The same reason that Cable would be doing the same thing with Claire.
Because Melody was pregnant.
Just great.
There were babies everywhere.
Being here was a super bad idea and I kind of had a huge urge to run.
Again.
My eyes were on her stomach. Her hands were resting there, that fancy ring catching the light from all the open windows. It looked right on her, that much I could admit. I looked down at my own hand and couldn’t pic
ture something like that on my finger. My nails were chipped and my hands a little dry from constantly washing my hands as I cooked and then the dishes afterword.
“We are having our first child,” she answered as she decided to skip the coffee and take a seat at the table in the breakfast nook.
I moved to sit on the opposite side of her.
First, yeah I heard it too. And it didn’t shock me, really.
This could have been my life.
And it all made me want to throw up.
Well, not all. The baby part was the only appealing part of it.
“Congratulations,” I told her with genuine happiness in my tone. The smile on my face was real too. She’d make a great mom, there was no doubt about that.
That seemed to crack the ice. Her false, have-to-be-perfect air dropped away. Replaced with the girl I’d grown up with.
“Thank you,” she said, her tone less fluttery and grating. “So, are you home for good or just passing through?”
“I’m… well, I don’t know why I’m here exactly,” I told her honestly. “I’m not going home, I know that much. I don’t care if I ever see them again.”
She nodded. She got it because she knew me and had been there. She was cut out for this life, I wasn’t. It didn’t make either one of us less than the other, it just made us different.
Maybe that was the true reason we’d drifted apart.
“When was the last time you saw your parents?” she asked.
Sadness filled my face. I could feel it and I couldn’t even hide it. My eyes dropped to my lap and I did my best to hold the tears back.
“At Dade’s funeral,” I told her and when I heard her sharp gasp, I looked up. “You didn’t know?”
“Oh, my, God. No. I’m so sorry, Abigail,” she said and then she was out of her seat and her arms were around me in a comforting embrace.
I swallowed down the lump in my throat.
“Yeah, it was sudden. Happened a few months ago.” I shouldn’t have been surprised that my parents didn’t make some grand announcement. After all, when they heard he joined up with a ‘filthy, sex-crazed, criminal motorcycle gang,’ he was no longer their son. And yes, that was just one of the sayings they used when they talked about it. All in private, of course, because no one could know. “Most days, I still can’t believe he’s gone.”
“What happened?” she asked as she took her seat again.
I opened my mouth to tell her but paused before the words left my mouth. Sometimes I forgot that there were people who wouldn’t understand. You know, the whole club thing. I wasn’t sure if I got it because I’d been around it so long or it just felt natural from the moment they took me in. Wow, sometimes that felt like so long ago.
Lies. I had to spout out lies right now.
“Motorcycle accident,” I said shortly, hoping that she wouldn’t ask anything further.
“That must have been awful,” she replied and said nothing more.
Awful didn’t even cover it. It still cut me to the bone to think about it.
I realized something then. I’d been living within the club and their rules so long that the whole lifestyle had kind of become part of me. I suddenly felt overwhelmed and lost. Why did I leave again? It wasn’t a bad thing, at least not to me. I was sure there were people out there that would disagree. My parents, for example. And probably most of the world. They didn’t understand, but I did. I’d been submerged in it, felt it all around me. I’d been comforted by it and protected by it. I knew its strengths and weaknesses. And I knew the strengths within those weaknesses. I was a part of it, though I hadn’t really seen it until this very moment.
“So what is the real reason you came all this way? I honestly thought you’d never come home,” she said thankfully changing the subject.
Home.
That was a joke.
This wasn’t home. Maybe it had never really been.
“I… I’m not sure I know, actually. I mean, I left there because I had a reason, but now I think I might have been wrong.”
She eyed me like she used to do when we were younger.
“Come on. Spill it, girl,” she said as her body relaxed back into the chair. A laugh came out of nowhere and it felt so good to set it free. The good parts of my childhood were coming forth, most of them having to do with her, and she was showing me the Melody that I knew and loved.
So I spilled it, you know, the safe parts. Yeah, I left the club stuff out of it but I was pretty sure she got the idea. I may not have been clued into much that went on behind my back, but I wasn’t dumb. I guessed it was better to not know anyway. Just the situation surrounding what happened with Dade, Iron, and Petra was enough for me. It would send me into a panic if I was actually aware of all the danger those men went through. The thought of losing another one of them wasn’t something I could handle.
So I shoved those thoughts out of my head, figuring that it was best to stay naïve when it came to that part of the club.
Basically, I gave her the short version. Telling her all about Charming and yes, even Blade because I had to brag about something. She was shocked, I guess that shouldn’t have surprised me. The Abigail she knew wasn’t that exciting even if she was silently curious about things she probably shouldn’t have been.
She blew out a long breath once I’d finished.
“Wow,” she said with a smile. “So you’re in love with a guy that belongs to a motorcycle club?”
I froze at her words. Mostly, the in love part.
Charming and I hadn’t talked about that sort of thing. The feelings were there but we didn’t really say them out loud.
“Yeah, I am,” I replied proudly.
“I’m happy for you, Abigail. Truly.”
“Thank you. I think I might have found my place.”
“Do you want to talk about the Troy thing?” she said with a slight wince.
“Are you happy?” I asked.
“Yes.” She let out a wistful sigh and her eyes went all hazy for a second. I wondered if I looked like that when I talked about Charming.
“Then there is nothing to talk about. I mean, not like that. But fill me in on what I missed. How did he propose?”
My excitement wasn’t faked. Sure, Troy and I had dated for two years. And yeah, we’d planned a life together, believe it or not. But I walked away. I left town and didn’t hesitate to tell him that it wasn’t going to work over the phone. Dade may have been the reason I flew out of here, but the reality of it was that I was looking for any excuse I could find to run.
She talked. I listened. And for just a moment, I wasn’t all that suffocated by being back here. The Troy she talked about wasn’t the same one I’d been with. Which was further proof that we weren’t right for each other. He hadn’t been bad to me. He’d been a good high school boyfriend. But there was never that spark that made me lose my breath, if you know what I mean.
“I have to run some errands. Would you like to come with me or do you want me to make up the guest bedroom.” There was a knowing smile on her face and a happy twinkle in her eyes.
“You don’t mind if I stay for a few days?” I asked sounding a little sad and also hopeful to my own ears.
“No, girl. You know you are always welcome here. And don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone you’re here. Neither will, Troy. I’ll make sure of it.”
I laughed and stood up at the same time she did. We embraced in a tight hug and it felt like old times.
“I’m sorry,” I whispered. Emotions were choking me for some reason right now.
“Don’t. I get it. Shit happens. But you were, and always will be, family to me.”
“You too, babe,” I told her as we broke apart. “I know where the sheets are. I’ll make the bed. Go get your stuff done. Do you mind if I cook dinner?”
“Not at all! You know how much I hate cooking,” she said with a roll of her eyes. “I’ll be back in a few hours.”
She left and I got my suitcase out of m
y car.
She’d only had this house three months before I had left. I still remembered everything about it though. It was almost like I hadn’t left. Like I hadn’t been gone for a couple of years now.
I grabbed a soda out of the fridge and stared out the French doors that led to the backyard. The pool water glistened under the rays of the sun looking magical and oh, so, tempting. But I really needed to nap first.
My parents weren’t as rich as hers. They wouldn’t ever be. Something hit me then. I almost felt sorry for them because I knew what it was like. My whole life it was like I’d been reaching out, my fingertips just barely grazing the outer rim of being good enough.
Almost.
Yeah, that was what I could say was the reoccurring theme in my life. Now that I’d seen it, seen that I wasn’t all that much different from my parents, seen that I maybe understood where they’d been coming from all these years, it wasn’t dislike that I felt for them. No, something that felt more like pity bubbled up inside of me. Did it make it right— what they’d done to me, what they’d done to Dade? No, there was nothing that I could think of that would ever excuse their behavior.
But it wasn’t just them. Everything I’d done and everywhere I’d gone, I was almost something. Almost good at piano. Almost the lead in the school play. Almost wanted. And even, how I felt back there, at the compound, like I was almost part of the club.
I almost had special parts of Blade.
I almost belonged to Charming.
Almost.
I knew then, I could let myself drown in self-pity and cry like a baby, or I could figure out a way to be something more. Find a place where almost wasn’t even a question because I felt whole with every breath I breathed.
Or…
Or I could realize that I’d kept myself from being a part of things. Like the club and the family that was there.
Oh, my…
I’d been stupid. The realization hit me like a wrecking ball to the brain. Iron was the President. The leader. The man in charge. But he was more like the dad than a ruthless ruler. And all the members, the brothers, well, they were like mine too.
