“I thought you must really love me then. Most guys wouldn’t do that and I thought . . .”
Again, sobs overtake me, the dim-lit vision from the nursery office overtakes me.
“No, but see, that is because I love you. No more pressure, as much as I want you, want sex with you, if it’s important for you to wait, then it’s important for me to wait.”
“But you didn’t wait!”
“I’m waiting for you!”
I turn away from him and look out the window. It is almost as quiet here in the daytime as it is at night. A man on a mountain bike pedals out a driveway at the end of the street, turns onto a walkway that goes over by the frog pond, and then rides out of sight. That’s it. Quiet. Nothing happening. Except rumbles of disbelief and confusion within me. That’s happening.
“Okay. So you know how important it is for me to try things. You like to be safe, I like to have exciting experiences. Right?”
I nod my head.
“And just because I want to go bungee jumping and you don’t, that doesn’t mean I don’t love you, or that I’m betraying you in any way, does it?”
“God, Tyler! Doing it with Shawna was nor bungee jumping!”
“No, but see, it was an experience I wanted. I was so sick of being a virgin. And I’d rather have had my first sex with you, but I needed it then, not two years down the road.”
“So, you decided to love Shawna, instead of me, because she would give you what you wanted?”
“I didn’t decide to love Shawna. I just decided to have sex with her.”
“That’s cold. You tricked her into having sex . . .”
“I didn’t trick her at all. I didn’t tell her I loved her. She doesn’t love me.”
“If I’d known, Tyler, if you’d told me your plan . . .”I’m caught by crying again.
“No, but see. I didn’t want to say, ‘If you don’t give it to me I’ll go somewhere else for it.’ I’m not like that.”
“But you are like that. You did go somewhere else.”
“It was just something we both needed to do.”
I can’t believe my ears. What is he saying? What does he mean?
“I know it sounds strange, but, you know, working together, taking care of plants and all, Shawna and I would talk. And I got to know her. One day we were transplanting some stuff, working in the same area for a long time, and she told me she wished she’d been born a plant.”
“A plant!”
“Yeah. A plant. Because she thinks plants never get molested by their fathers . . . Remember what she said about her father? And you know he’s in prison?”
I nod my head.
“Well, he’s in prison because he raped her. And she had the guts to turn him in when her mother was telling her not to.”
“God. Why wasn’t the mother on Shawna’s side?”
“Because the dad was working and he paid the bills . . . Anyway, Shawna thought, because of the rape and all, that maybe she could never, you know, enjoy being with a man. And she wanted to know. And I wanted the experience. . .”
I’m sobbing again and I don’t even know why. Is it because of poor Shawna, or because I’ve lost so much with Tyler, or just because, overall, the world can be such a hard place? Maybe I’m sobbing for the five-year-old girl in Amarillo, Texas, whose mother insisted on staying behind until the girl was rescued. Maybe I’m crying for the blanket that got burned in the fire.
“Don’t,” Tyler is whispering. “Don’t,” over and over again and I am sobbing.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you. It wasn’t a bad thing. Shawna always knew I loved you. She tried to talk to you . . .”
“But, Tyler . . .”
“I know. It was a shock to see us like that. But I’d have told you. I thought it was a good idea. It seemed like it at the time.”
We sit in silence, Tyler running his hands through my hair, pulling one curl after another, letting them spring back.
“I want us to get past this,” he says. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“Do you want us to get past this?”
“I don’t know.”
“When I saw the red Honda guy come up that day, all I could think about was how to protect you. I swear, he’d have had to kill me before he could hurt you.”
“But if you loved me . . .”
“But I do love you. And I’m really sorry you were hurt by this whole thing, but I’m not sorry I did it. It was important to me to have sex. I’ve had sex. It was nothing like it would have been with you, but it’s happened to me, finally, and I’m not sorry.”
He tries to pull me close to him but I sit stiffly on my side of the car.
“And Shawna? Is she glad?”
“She said she found out what she needed to know.”
“Will you do it again?”
“No. It’s done.”
“Are you still friends?”
“Yeah. Except she has a different work schedule now that she’s at continuation high school.”
A rush of shame comes over me.
“It was my fault,” I say.
“She likes it there, though.”
A group of kids, probably third or fourth graders, come walking down the street carrying a bat and ball. They go down to the very end and start a game of what looks like three flies up. We watch for a long time.
“I should get the car back,” I say.
“Can we try to make things right?” Tyler says.
“I’m so confused.”
“But can we just try?”
I look into Tyler’s eyes. He’s never shown anything but love for me. Maybe he was trying to do the right thing in backing off from sex with me.
“Can I at least call you later tonight?”
“Yeah, call,” I say.
After I drop Tyler off I drive up to the foothills and just sit in the car. I can see the lights coming on in the valley. There are so many people down there who love each other, and hate each other, who forgive and who hold grudges. There are people who are so angry with life they shoot at other innocent people who happen to be driving near them on the freeway. And there are others who will risk their own lives to help a stranger.
Who will I be? Will I go through life hating my mother, hating Baby Hope’s mother, hating Tyler for what he’s done? Or will I somehow find a way to forgive, so there’ll be room in my heart for joy, and love?
There is so much to figure out. I think maybe I will try seeing that psychologist Grams told me about. Not that I’m crazy or anything. But it could be good to talk with someone who might help me see things more clearly.
One thing I’ve figured out on my own, though. I can’t put conditions on love. I always thought if my mother loved me, she’d have quit drugs. But then, I find out from my father that she did love me, in her own messed-up way, and that I’m alive today because of her love. And I thought if Tyler loved me, he wouldn’t have done that with Shawna. But then I think of how he fought Jack when he thought I was in danger, and the look in his eyes when he’s with me, and I know he loves me. I don’t know if I can ever get the picture of Tyler and Shawna out of my head. And if I can’t, I don’t know if Tyler and I can work things out. Maybe we can. Maybe we can’t.
Finally, I think I can begin to forgive my mother. Maybe Grams can help me, or maybe Jack, or maybe I just have to keep thinking, and writing. I hope it doesn’t ruin my volleyball game, but it’s worth the risk.
The Complete True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High
BY MARILYN REYNOLDS
1–TELLING When twelve-year-old Cassie is accosted and fondled by the father of the children for whom she babysits, she feels dirty and confused.
2–DETOUR FOR EMMY Classic novel about Emmy, pregnant at 15. Read by tens of thousands of teens. American Library Association Best Books for Young Adults List; South Carolina Young Adult Book Award.
3–TOO SOON FOR JEFF Jeff is a senior, a nationally ranke
d debater, and reluctant father of Christy’s unborn baby. Best Books for Young Adults; Quick Pick for Young Adult Reluctant Readers; ABC After-School TV Special.
4–BEYOND DREAMS Six short stories dealing with situations faced by teenagers - drinking and driving, racism, school failure, abortion, partner abuse, aging relative. “...believable, likeable, and appropriately thoughtful.” —Booklist
5–BUT WHAT ABOUT ME? Erica pours more and more of her life into helping boyfriend Danny get back on track. But the more she tries to help him, the more she loses sight of her own dreams. It takes a tragic turn of events to show Erica that she can’t “save” Danny, and that she is losing herself in the process of trying.
6–BABY HELP Melissa doesn’t consider herself abused - after all, Rudy only hits her occasionally when he’s drinking . . . until she realizes the effect his abuse is having on her child.
7–IF YOU LOVED ME Are love and sex synonymous? Must Lauren break her promise to herself in order to keep Tyler’s love? “engaging, though-provoking read, recommended for reluctant readers.” —Booklist
8–LOVE RULES A testament to the power of love - in family, in friendships, and in teen couples, whether gay or straight, of the same ethnicity or not. It is a testament to the power of gay/straight alliances in working toward the safety of all students.
9–NO MORE SAD GOODBYES “For all the sadness in it, Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope. It’s a very positive presentation of adoption, especially open adoption.” —Kliatt
10–SHUT UP Mario (17) and Eddie (9) move in with their aunt after their mother is sent to Iraq with her National Guard unit. Months later, Mario discovers their aunt’s boyfriend in the act of sexually molesting Eddie. Mario’s sole purpose is now to protect his little brother. He takes extreme measures.
Praise for the Hamilton High Series
“Reynolds’ treatment of youth and their challenges, from sexual abstinence to mixed-race parentage, is compassionate, never condescending; the dialogue, situations, emotions, and behavior of the well-defined teen characters ring true. [If You Loved Me is] an engaging, thought-provoking read . . .”
—Shelle Rosenfeld, Booklist
“Out of all the books I’ve read (and trust me, I’ve read tons of books), yours have impacted me the most. They are filled with reality and hope and strength, and make me feel stronger.”
—Gillian, Georgia
“For all the sadness in [No More Sad Goodbyes], Autumn and her baby’s story is ultimately one of love and hope.”
—Claire Rosser, Kliatt
“I have just finished reading Detour for Emmy. I wanted you to know that in all my years of school that book is the first book that I have honestly read from cover to cover. I can’t wait to read more of yours.”
—Amy, Montana
“Touching on the adolescent themes of teenage sex, adoption, and abortion - this [No More Sad Goodbyes] topical novel is poignant and inspiring.”
—Lambda Rising
“I want to tell you that I find your books very interesting and reading them has helped me get through a lot in my life. Thank you.”
—Julie, La Puente High School
“Before I read If You Loved Me I had never bothered to check out a book at a library, but now I can’t stop reading. Thank you for changing the way I lived my life.”
—Maria, Bell Gardens High School
“Your book [But What About Me?] touched me because it feels like I was the only one going through these things, but when I read your book I knew that I wasn’t alone.”
—Kendra, Wisconsin
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Also by Marilyn Reynolds
True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High
Telling
Detour For Emmy
Too Soon for Jeff
Beyond Dreams
But What About Me?
Baby Help
If You Loved Me
Love Rules
No More Sad Goodbyes
Shut Up
Eddie's Choice
About the Author
Marilyn Reynolds is the author of eleven books of realistic teen fiction: Eddie's Choice, Shut Up, No More Sad Goodbyes, But What About Me, Love Rules, Baby Help, Telling, If You Loved Me, Beyond Dreams, Too Soon for Jeff and Detour for Emmy, all part of the popular True-to-Life Series from Hamilton High. Reynolds is also the author of a book for educators, I Won't Read and You Can't Make Me: Reaching Reluctant Teen Readers, and Over 70 and I Don't Mean MPH. Reynolds has a variety of published personal essays to her credit, and was nominated for the ABC Afterschool Special teleplay of Too Soon for Jeff.
Reynolds worked with reluctant learners and teens in crises at a southern California alternative high school for more than two decades. She remains actively involved in education through author presentations to middle and high school students ranging from struggling readers to highly motivated writers who are interested in developing work for possible publication. She also presents staff development workshops for educators and is often a guest speaker for programs and organizations that serve teens, parents, teachers, and writers.
Reynolds lives in Sacramento where she enjoys neighborhood walks, visits with friends and family, movies and dinner out, and the luxury of reading at odd hours of the day and night.
About the Publisher
New Wind is an independent publisher dedicated to providing readers with quality fiction and non-fiction. We believe in the craft of writing, the importance of books, and the ability of the written word to express truth, convey beauty, and change lives. We work closely and collaboratively with each writer through the entire stage of bringing a book to life. Writers interested in submitting manuscripts to New Wind Publishing should request to be added to our mailing list; we will notify you when our reading periods open.
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