by Emma Davies
‘Just a curry,’ Esme replies. But it won’t be just a curry, not when she’s cooking it. ‘Sorry, I needed to keep busy…’
She turns to look at me and I can see the taut strings of tension on her face, the longing in her eyes. I open my arms for a hug. ‘Never apologise for cooking tea,’ I say. ‘Especially not today.’
Esme surrenders for a few seconds, squeezing me breathless, but then pulls away. ‘Why? Have you had a rotten day?’ She can see it on my face too, I’m sure.
‘No,’ I reply, dismissing her question. ‘I rather meant that I knew you’d be on tenterhooks. And this’ – I point to the pan – ‘has always been your way through everything. Why should today be any different?’ I smile fondly, holding her look.
‘Oh, Mum… I want this job so badly!’ She holds her palms to her cheeks, blowing out air between her lips. ‘You know how that feels. When you want something so much you think you might die if it doesn’t work out.’
I did know how that felt. Once.
‘Then it will absolutely happen,’ I reply. ‘The universe wouldn’t dare deny you, Esme.’ I grin. ‘Well, it had better not, not if it knows what’s good for it.’ I cross to the kettle, lifting it to check the weight before flicking it on to boil. ‘So, come on then. Tell me everything… What was it like? What were they like?’
Esme slides the pan of onions off the heat. ‘Just perfect…’ She sighs. ‘Nancy was… just like you, so lovely, warm, funny… absolutely on it. In fact, even in the short time we were together she felt like she could be a bit like a second mum – does that make sense? Like she’s going to look out for me, teach me everything I need to know, and not mind if I make mistakes, just encourage me all the same.’ She stops suddenly. ‘Well, maybe not me. Whoever gets the job.’
I smile. ‘Go on…’
‘And in the kitchen it’s just her and her son, and me… whoever… so a really small team, tight-knit, really collaborative. Nancy has already said that everyone is an equal as far as ideas and suggestions go. How incredible is that? I mean, I’m straight from doing my diploma, I don’t know anything, but that didn’t seem to matter and… Sorry, I’m gabbling.’
‘Would you like some tea?’ I ask, eyebrows raised in amusement.
There’s a swift nod. ‘And Theo, that’s the son, isn’t really much younger than I am. A couple of years I’d say… long hair in a bun and a beard…’
‘Oh?’
Esme blushes and I suddenly feel incredibly old.
‘Mu-um… I’d be there to work, not lust after the staff. Besides, what would I want a boyfriend for? They only get in the way.’ She gives me a stern look and sighs with longing. ‘I’d learn so much, Mum, and just think… I’d be working at The Green Room. If nothing else that’s going to look amazing on my CV.’
‘I know. I still can’t quite believe they’ve come to our little corner of the world. I would imagine that they’ll find Norfolk a little different from the bright lights of the big city. Did they say why they’re opening here?’
‘Only that Nancy said she wants to step back a bit from what they’re doing in London. The restaurant there has its own staff now and pretty much runs independently of her. Plus Norwich is already making a name for itself with vegan and vegetarian food, so it seemed a good fit. That’s all she said really. Oh, and that as she’s got older she has a hankering to live by the sea.’
I shrug. ‘Fair enough. They seem as good reasons as any, and I guess we don’t need to know why they’re here, we can just be grateful to have them in the first place.’
Esme chews the side of her lip. ‘I’m glad, actually. That it’s not in London, I mean. This is… smaller, more me, to start with at least. And this Green Room isn’t going to be like its counterpart. It’s a completely new business and Nancy says she wants it to be different too, to make its own mark, have its own personality and that will be down to all of us.’
I can see how much Esme wants this. It’s the most amazing opportunity for her, apart from anything else, but to have the chance to be in on something at its inception… It’s the kind of thing I dreamed about once upon a time.
Her face falls a little. ‘There is just one little problem…’
‘Oh?’
‘If I get the job, I might struggle with some of the evening shifts because of the bus timetable. So, I was wondering… whether you might be able to give me a lift? Just to start with until I can get something else sorted out.’
I smile. ‘The something else being to learn how to drive? I think that’s an excellent idea.’ A little flicker of resolve stirs itself. ‘And I know your dad isn’t keen on the idea, but you have to learn sometime and now would seem to be that time, wouldn’t it?’
Esme’s eyes light up.
I pour water into our mugs, giving the teabags a good prod. ‘In fact… I can help you learn too if you like. Have proper lessons as well, but any extra practice we fit in can only be good. I’ll talk to Dad. I’m sure we can work something out.’
‘Would you really, Mum? Are you sure?’
But I only have to look at her face to know how certain I am. And besides, if I needed any more persuading, I have a letter in my handbag which provides all the incentive I need.
‘I’m not sure what time he’ll be home this evening, but I’ll make sure I talk to him tonight. Strike while the iron’s hot and all that.’
She pulls me into a hug. ‘Oh, Mum, thank you so much!’
I laugh. ‘Don’t be silly. It’s the right thing to do. But I might just have a quick tidy up, you know how he hates mess.’
‘I’m not saying I think it’s a bad idea, Alys, just that there’s no real need to rush into it. There’s the cost to consider for one. Driving lessons are expensive and that won’t be the end of it. Once Esme passes her test she’ll want a car too no doubt.’
I pass Hugh a plate to dry. ‘Quite possibly. But we can afford it, surely?’ The expense has always been my husband’s justification for saying no.
It’s gone seven, our meal eaten, and Hugh and I are standing, as we have done nearly every evening of our married life, doing the washing up. It’s his one contribution to the domestic side of our life together. I dip another plate into the foamy suds and smile. The wrongs I’ve attempted to put right over a bowl of hot water don’t bear thinking about, but then twenty-three years is a long time.
I wrinkle my nose, wondering how to continue. ‘Or do you mean it’s going to be harder now that we’ll just be on the one salary?’ I pause. ‘Although I wouldn’t worry, I mean, my redundancy money will more than cover it.’
The cloth stills on the plate and I look across to study the side of Hugh’s face with its receding hairline, greying hair now mixing with the dark.
‘Ah,’ he says, grimacing. ‘I was going to talk to you about that.’
I listen for a moment, making sure that Esme is still safely up in her room. ‘Good, because it comes to something when your husband is the manager of the company you’ve just been made redundant from, and you don’t even know it’s going to happen.’
‘Alys, I’m sorry… I had no idea you were going to get the letter today, believe me. HR got the jump on me before I’d even had the chance to discuss it with you.’
‘But you still could have told me, surely,’ I reply. ‘We both know these aren’t spur-of-the-moment decisions. You must have known about this for weeks.’
He has the grace to look ashamed. ‘About the redundancies, yes. The fact that you were on the list, no. HR decide all these things, Alys, you know that as well as I do, and the recommendation list only came out just over a week ago. And I did plan to tell you, it’s just…’ He looks across at me, concern etched on his face. ‘Just that there never seemed to be the right moment. I didn’t want to upset you…’
My eyes narrow, roving his face for any trace of misdirection. ‘I’m glad to hear you were going to discuss it with me at least. Otherwise I might be tempted to think I wasn’t even being afforded th
e same courtesies as regular members of staff – you know, those people who aren’t married to the boss.’ I raise my eyebrows, holding out another dripping plate.
He swallows. ‘Which makes it even harder for me. Perhaps I should have let HR deal with it completely, that way you would have been notified before. But, given that we are married, I asked them not to. I thought it would be better coming from me. Besides, you know that things haven’t been going as well as they could have. Retail is a tough market to be in just now and department stores are being hit hard. Even if I can’t discuss the intricacies of the business with you, you were well aware that redundancies were being planned.’
‘Yes, but I didn’t think one of them was going to be me.’
Hugh eventually takes the plate, seemingly unaware that water has been dripping to the floor. ‘Look…’ He clears his throat and lowers his voice. ‘Look, I can’t be seen to be showing you any favouritism, Alys, for goodness’ sake. What would it look like if I asked for you to be taken off the list? And your department is simply not making the money it should; the footfall doesn’t justify three members of staff. This was purely a business decision. Besides, out of anybody in that department, you’re the most… comfortable, shall we say.’
‘That’s hardly the point.’
‘Isn’t it? I should have thought that was entirely the point. I have a responsibility to all my staff, and if I can make a decision that accommodates several good outcomes instead of just one, then I have to take it. Hilary is on her own, as you know, and Elaine’s family circumstances are… well, not like ours.’ He scrubs crossly at the plate in his hand. ‘I did think you might be grateful though. You can’t tell me you actually enjoy your job, and now you’ve been set free from it.’
His face smiles up at mine and I bite back what I want to say. I know he thinks this is doing me a favour, it’s just that…
‘And at least now you’ll be getting the opportunity to take things a little easier. Have more time to attend to things in the house, for example. You’re always saying how pressured you feel.’
I’ve asked him to help out every once in a while; it’s not quite the same thing. I fish out some errant cutlery from the bottom of the sink, wincing slightly at the words in my head. But I do need to say something.
‘Sorry… I’m just a bit frustrated. No, I’m angry. Can you imagine how I felt today having Hilary hand me my letter, knowing full well what was inside? She couldn’t decide whether to be sympathetic or smug, but you know how Hilary can be, so I was left feeling utterly stupid. I bet she laughed all the way home.’
‘I don’t suppose she did,’ replies Hugh, looking contrite. ‘But I am sorry, Alys. I can’t apologise any more than I am doing. Eric is on holiday and so no one told me the letter was going out today. I didn’t find out until after you’d gone home.’
I’m studying him as he speaks and his expression doesn’t change. Hangdog, it’s called, and Hugh wears it well. A burst of music sounds from upstairs reminding me why we started having this conversation in the first place.
‘Well I’m certainly not going to let Esme lose out because of it. This could be a perfect opportunity for her to learn to drive. And have a little car.’
‘I still think we need to think about it,’ replies Hugh. ‘It’s a big step for her.’
‘Hugh… Esme isn’t a child anymore, it’s about time she started taking big steps.’ I try to soften my expression. ‘We have to let her, Hugh. It’s time for her to grow…’
His head drops. ‘I know but…’ He holds out a hand, which I take despite the soap bubbles on mine. ‘She’s still my little girl, Alys… It was bad enough when she was away doing her diploma, but now she’s back home again I can’t help thinking about the day when she leaves us for good. It’s getting closer all the time.’
I swallow, giving his hand a squeeze. ‘She had a job interview today…’
‘You didn’t tell me that,’ he accuses.
‘No, it all came about rather suddenly… But it’s a good job, Hugh, amazing in fact, she—’
‘Where is it? Who for?’
‘The Green Room.’ I hold his look, willing him to accept this the way he should.
‘What, The Green Room? But that’s in London, that’s—’
‘No, no, it’s not. It’s right here in town, opening soon. And yes, it is the same company, but they’ve decided to open a new restaurant here, and if Esme gets the job, she’ll be right in there on day one, part of the team that launches it. Imagine how exciting that will be for her, Hugh. How incredible if they pick her over all the other candidates… and think what an opportunity like that could do for her career.’
Seconds tick by with no reply.
‘Look, I know you don’t like the idea of her working in catering but—’
‘It’s such a brutal job,’ he argues. ‘The money’s rubbish, the hours are long and it’s just stress as far as I can see. There’ll be no time for her friends, for…’
‘Hugh… It’s what she wants to do. You can’t change that, and you mustn’t, just because…’ I trail off. I’m not going to say it, and I know that Hugh won’t either. ‘Esme has had her heart set on this for a long time. Are you really going to be the one to spoil her dreams, just because they’re not the same as yours?’
I lift my chin a little, meeting his gaze, and I can see the moment when he backs down, when he accedes that I’m right.
‘I do understand how you feel,’ I add, my fingers twisting with his.
‘I know,’ he sighs. ‘I just find all this so hard…’
‘Our little girl is growing up, but that’s a good thing…’ I remind him. ‘And besides, if she does get this job then it’s here, in town. She’s going to be living at home for a while yet and—’
A loud thump sounds from upstairs, following by several more as heavy feet hit the stairs.
‘Mum!’
I roll my eyes at Hugh. ‘Let me guess… there’s a wasp in her room…’
But it’s not that at all. I can see straight away from the expression on Esme’s face as she bursts into the room, the light in her eyes.
‘Mum! I got the job!’ She rushes forward, hurling herself into my arms. ‘I can’t believe it!’
I try to hug her but she dances wildly, unable to keep still, loud squeals punishing my eardrums.
‘But I thought they weren’t going to let you know until tomorrow…’
‘I know! That’s what they said… But Nancy just rang…’ She stops, suddenly choked with tears. ‘She said I was just what they were looking for and there was no point looking any further. She and Theo agreed… they want me on the team.’ She sniffs, laughing and crying both, her eyes shining with pure unadulterated joy.
Hugh takes a step forward. Their eyes meet. And I send up a silent prayer.
But I needn’t have worried. He opens his arms wide, his face split by a huge grin. ‘Your mum’s just been telling me all about it,’ he says. ‘I think it sounds perfect. Well done you!’
Esme pauses for just a fraction of a second but then she hugs him right back. ‘Really, are you sure, Dad?’
‘Of course! Oh, I’m so proud of you.’ He holds her at arm’s-length for a moment to get a better look at her, drinking in what he sees, before grinning even wider and pulling her in once more. I meet his eyes over the top of her head and nod, smiling in response to his.
‘So, come on then, when do you start?’ I ask.
Esme turns. ‘They’d like me to go in tomorrow, just to have a bit more of a chat, but soon… I could even start the day after…’
There’s a query in her eyes and I know what she needs me to say. ‘Actually, your dad and I were just having a chat about the driving thing. You’ll need to check out your shift times against the buses first, but any you can’t get to, I can cover, for now at least. Everything else we can work out in a short while; once you’re settled.’
Esme’s eyes widen. ‘But Mum, they could be early, or really
late. And what about your own job?’
I flick a glance at Hugh. This is a subject I haven’t finished discussing with him yet but now isn’t the time to dampen the mood. ‘I think my job can accommodate it,’ I say lightly.
My heart swells at Esme’s happiness. It’s everything I want for her and more. She’s just like I was at that age – so full of life, possibility everywhere you looked, with your whole future spread out in front of you – and I can remember it as if it were yesterday. Of course, things didn’t turn out for me at all the way I wanted – they didn’t for you either – but in Esme… maybe I get another chance to see how things could have been.
3
‘Can I just say thank you,’ says Tash the following evening. ‘If I haven’t already said it a hundred times over. I know you’re busy, but you really are saving my bacon.’
It’s Hugh’s evening for playing golf, so we’re alone in the kitchen and it’s fine to talk. ‘Yes, well, don’t thank me yet,’ I reply. ‘Wait until you see the dress first; you might regret asking me. But in any case I’m not going to be as busy as I have been.’ I slide Tash’s drink towards her. ‘Hugh made me redundant yesterday.’
The glass is halfway to Tash’s lips, but it stops mid-air. ‘Oh… bit awkward…’
I sigh. ‘Not altogether unexpected, now that I’ve had a chance to think about it. Harringtons has been hit just as hard as anywhere over recent years but it still came as a bit of a shock.’
‘I bet. What are you going to do?’ she asks, taking a slug of wine as originally intended.
‘I don’t know yet. Hugh thinks he’s done me a huge favour. He rather likes the idea of me being at home.’
‘Yeah, why is that?’ asks Tash, correctly deducing my mood from the expression on my face. ‘It’s a bit of an old-fashioned view, isn’t it?’
‘I don’t know really. I think it might just be that Hugh is old-fashioned. If he’d had his way in the past I would have had a houseful of children to look after and still be tied to the kitchen sink now.’
