by Emma Davies
To my embarrassment I burst into tears; Nancy’s thoughtful concern breaking down the dam holding my emotions in check. And so, with the sea breeze on our faces and the sun warming our skin, I tell Nancy everything.
She’s silent for a few moments, not angry, or upset, but quietly thoughtful. And her voice when she finally speaks is full of warmth and compassion.
‘I should have known who she was, of course, the moment I met her. Perhaps I did… deep down. There was something about her, but at the time I just didn’t see it for what it was. Esme has this way of looking at you as if there’s no one else in the room. As if what you have to say is the most interesting or exciting thing she’s ever heard. And there’s only one other person I know who does that.’
‘Sam,’ I say.
She nods. ‘Does he know?’
‘I told him the day before he went home. I didn’t know what to do but I thought he had a right to know. I’m not asking anything of him, Nancy, but I couldn’t let him and Esme continue to meet whilst still being unaware of their true relationship. The longer that went on, the worse it would get.’
‘That makes sense,’ Nancy replies. ‘It all does actually.’ She pauses. ‘In fact, it was Sam who urged me to come and look at this place,’ she adds. ‘The last little piece of the jigsaw puzzle. And now I know why he was so keen that I should. He would never divulge a confidence to me, but I knew there’d be a reason for his eagerness. And I honestly can’t think of a better one.’
She smiles at my puzzled look. ‘The move to Norfolk was important for all of us, for me most of all, but buying this place could really cement our fresh start. It’s somewhere for me to begin afresh, with someone new, building a home of our own, but the second cottage could provide Theo with a place of his own too. Somewhere he can stretch his independent legs, but not too far away from Mum. Of course we could also use it to put up guests…’
She breaks off to give me a meaningful look. ‘Like Sam, for example. If he wanted to get to know someone a little better, then it would be the perfect way to do it.’
And suddenly I see what she’s been getting at all along. A new life for her family, separate from Sam on the one hand but still allowing them to share all the good things they still have in common. And now perhaps including Esme too. Suddenly my dream of how things could be between us all moves a little bit closer.
‘I think that’s amazing… That you can be so… sensible, and rational. Caring…’ I give a wry smile. ‘I’m not used to that response. I thought you’d be upset, or angry at the very least.’
Now it’s Nancy’s turn to look confused. ‘Why would I be any of those things?’ she says. ‘Esme belongs to a time before me and Sam, and I’ve nothing to fear from her, just everything to gain. I told you before that Sam and I had a good marriage, and we did… and then we didn’t, but now we have a good friendship and I’m happier than I’ve ever been. So is he, actually.’ She smiles wistfully. ‘And he always wanted a daughter…’
I swallow, torn by the memories her words bring back, dreams of what might have been. For Sam too, all shattered…
‘But you have Theo.’
Her face takes on a look of fond maternal pride. ‘We do. And we wouldn’t have changed that for the world.’ She stares out to sea, still smiling, before turning and looking back at the house behind us. ‘If you don’t mind me asking, Alys, what are you going to do?’
And there it is, the question that I’ve been trying to avoid thinking about all day. ‘I really have no idea,’ I reply, sighing. ‘But in a way what happens next isn’t for me to decide at all. It’s for Esme to choose whether she wants to have a relationship with Sam or not. Either way, I think he’ll abide by her wishes.’
‘Oh, I agree,’ replies Nancy. ‘Sam must be shocked – this new revelation goes hand in hand with everything he still feels about his accident, don’t forget, and that’s going to make it harder for him to process. But the fact that he wanted me to come and look at this house is already a good indication of where his head is at. I’m pretty certain that he would love to get to know Esme, but if she didn’t want that… He’d be sad, but understanding, I think.’
I nod. ‘And I want to thank you for everything you’ve done to support Esme too. Handing in her notice this morning was a knee-jerk reaction to how scary this new situation is for her, but once she can see a way forward, she’ll think again, I know she will.’
Nancy smiles. ‘I’ve already told her that I won’t accept her resignation today. I could see how upset she was so let’s see what the next week brings. If she still wants to leave then… But I don’t think it will come to that. Things will ease, I’m sure of it. For you and Hugh also.’
‘I hope so. I’ve found out some things about him that I really don’t like and I certainly don’t appreciate the way he’s behaved just lately, but… I have to accept the blame for some of that. I’ve changed over recent weeks, I don’t exactly know why, but I feel it, I can’t pretend that I don’t.’ I give a rueful smile. ‘I don’t think Hugh can quite figure out who he’s married to any more.’
Nancy pulls a sympathetic face and squeezes my arm. ‘Don’t use the word blame,’ she says, gently. ‘That makes it sound as if you’ve done something wrong. And if the changes you feel within yourself feel right, then you certainly haven’t done anything wrong, quite the opposite. I’ve been where you are, Alys. I recognise some of the signs… There were things within me that I’d buried deep for years refusing to acknowledge them. But sometimes they start shouting so loudly you have to admit they’re there. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Change in a marriage can be good, and sometimes long overdue. And the best we can hope for is that our partners want to join us on that journey, that they’re just as excited by it as we are. But sadly that isn’t the case for everyone. Some see it as a threat, or they simply don’t understand that it’s an opportunity for them to change for the better too.’
‘And for you, Sam was one of those people,’ I say, recognising the sadness with which I say it. Was I hoping for better from him?
‘No, actually he wasn’t,’ replies Nancy. ‘It’s just that in my case where I’m going, Sam can’t follow.’
I frown. ‘Sorry, I don’t understand what you mean.’
But Nancy just smiles. ‘You will,’ she says.
22
There’s an email waiting for me when I get back. It’s from Becky at the National Trust informing me that my application to volunteer has been given the green light. I can start whenever is convenient. She suggests that I give her a call in the morning to discuss what hours I might like to do and then take it from there. The thought fills me with hope. It definitely feels like this is the right thing to do.
I sit back down at the table where I left Nancy’s tuxedo earlier and roll one of the crystal beads between my fingers. I’d shown my progress to Nancy when she’d dropped me home again and she was delighted with what she saw. I’m pleased with it too, but it would have been awful if she hadn’t liked it. She’s so excited about this weekend and I marvel that despite everything going on in her world, she still manages to give all her energy over to whatever she’s involved in and her attitude spurs me into action.
Telling Esme about Sam has been a good thing, I remind myself. It’s taken us one step closer to the end of the tunnel and surely soon we’ll be able to see a glimmer of light at the other end. All we have to do is keep heading forward and be positive about the changes in our lives. Embrace the opportunity that we now have to make things different… better. I know that Esme is hurting now, but she’s resilient, and I trust her to come to the right conclusions.
My problems with Hugh aren’t insurmountable either. We’ve been together for twenty-three years for heaven’s sake, and that has to account for something. It’s true he hasn’t handled our financial situation well and he certainly should have discussed it with me all those years ago, but if I accept that he did it to make our lives better then I really can’t
blame him because his investments didn’t turn out the way he wanted. Things could have gone the other way and would I even have cared that he hadn’t told me if that were the case? I smile to myself. A little positive reframing is what you need, Alys.
Hugh doesn’t normally get home until around seven and so I still have an hour or so left before I need to make a start on cooking dinner. Something really special, I think – one of Hugh’s favourites, plus a dessert. He has such a sweet tooth. And so, with thoughts of how I can more sensitively recount what’s happened today running through my head, I crack on with the embellishments on Nancy’s tuxedo.
It’s quite possible that Hugh has been having a think about our situation too. He comes through the door with a smile on his face for a change and, not only that, but he’s bought a bunch of flowers for me. It doesn’t matter that they look like he got them from the garage where he usually stops for petrol, it’s the thought that counts.
I’d hastily shoved a bottle of white wine in the freezer about half an hour ago and, as I take it out, offering to pour him a drink, he comes up behind me and lowers his head to my neck.
‘That is a lovely thought,’ he murmurs. ‘But I think I’d better give the booze a miss this evening. I don’t think it does me much good.’
It isn’t exactly an apology, but I’ll take it. I turn around and kiss his forehead. ‘A cup of tea then? Or some lemonade?’
His eyes light up. ‘Homemade?’
But I have to shake my head. ‘’Fraid not,’ I reply. ‘But I do have some lemons,’ I add as his face drops again. ‘I can squeeze in some fresh juice if you like?’
He thinks for a moment. ‘Yes, perhaps that will make it taste better. Go on then, I’ll have a lemonade.’ He turns away, lifting the lid from one of the pans on the cooker. ‘Is that stroganoff?’ he asks, dipping his finger into the sauce. ‘Made with proper mustard?’ He smiles. ‘I shall look forward to that.’
I smile too, moving away to collect a lemon from the fruit bowl. It was a good choice, I think, glad that I’d remembered to add the Dijon at the last minute. I’m wondering when either of us is going to mention Esme though. After all, Hugh will be well aware that I’ll have spoken to her today, but perhaps I should let him broach the subject.
‘Actually,’ says Hugh from behind me. ‘I might just go and have a shower before dinner’s ready. It’s been very hot again in the office today. But you could always bring my drink up to me…’ He holds my look for a second and it’s clear what he’s really asking.
‘Oh,’ I reply, a little flustered now. ‘Um…’ I’m really not in the mood, but I need to be giving here too, I remind myself. Things will never improve without both of us making an effort. I do a quick mental rejig of my timings. I haven’t put the rice on to cook yet, so all is not lost. And if I turn off the stroganoff and cover it, it should be okay to reheat while I pan-fry the steaks. They don’t take long after all…
I smile. ‘Yes,’ I say, as firmly as I can. ‘I’ll do that.’
The sauce has split a little by the time I get back to it, but I just about manage to recover it. Hugh doesn’t say anything anyway and tucks into it with gusto, occasionally looking up and smiling, catching my eye. He still doesn’t seem in any hurry to discuss yesterday’s events and, much as I don’t want to spoil the mood, I’m desperately trying to think of a way to broach the subject. Just as I’m about to mention casually that I’ve spoken to Esme, Hugh lays down his knife and fork and pours himself some more water from the jug on the table.
‘You know, I’ve been thinking about this redundancy money of ours,’ he says.
‘Oh yes,’ I say lightly.
‘And I can see how you might have got the wrong idea about it,’ he continues. ‘And I guess that’s simply because you don’t understand our finances like I do. Perhaps if I’d taken the time to explain the benefits of having our mortgage paid off now, you wouldn’t have even considered using the money for anything else.’ He pauses to give me a bright smile. ‘So I’ve had a bit of a think and I reckon you should have some of that money for yourself, as a treat, to buy whatever you want with it, something really frivolous if you like. In fact, you don’t even have to tell me what it is. How’s that?’
Hugh is looking so pleased with himself I really have no idea what to say. The redundancy money is one of the things we should be discussing, but surely it’s not the most pressing matter. I’d much rather we were talking about Esme, and how she’s feeling. I nod, trying to look grateful.
‘Good, then I’m glad that’s settled. I checked the figures again today too, so what do you say to five hundred pounds?’
I stare down at the food on my plate, at the congealing sauce, and feel suddenly sick. I can’t believe that Hugh thinks the discussion about our finances is over. That he can consider that giving me five hundred pounds of my own money is a grand gesture, when what it feels like is second prize in a raffle. It’s still a lot of money, it isn’t that which is bothering me, more that he can be so dismissive. This isn’t a discussion at all, it’s Hugh coming to his own conclusions and then telling me what he’s decided. Again.
I inhale as calmly as I can, pushing down everything else I’m feeling. I take a sip of my water to compose myself and mask my expression, which I’m sure is betraying me. Then I plaster a smile on my face.
‘Thank you, Hugh. I don’t know what to say—’
‘Well, fair’s fair,’ he says. ‘It’s only right that you should have some of it.’
Shut up, Hugh. Shut up… My head’s beginning to feel like it might explode.
‘I wondered if we might talk about Esme,’ I say. ‘Only I spoke to her, as you suggested.’
Hugh raises his eyebrows. ‘I see… So she knows about your marriage to Sam?’
I nod.
‘And you explained that it’s all very firmly in the past and that, despite his connection with The Green Room, there’s no need for you to see him again.’ He takes another drink, casually turning his glass round and round once it’s back on the table. ‘No doubt you were also able to reassure her that he’s no threat to her…’
Threat? Why would Sam possibly be a threat?
‘Well, I…’ I break off, anger beginning to surge. ‘She was very upset, Hugh. It wasn’t that easy, she—’
He looks up.
‘Well, she… She’s handed her notice in,’ I say, stalling for time. I know I need to tell him the truth, but I just can’t find the words.
‘I beg your pardon. Why on earth has she done that?’ He sits back in his chair. ‘Oh, for goodness’ sake! After the run-around she’s given us over this job, how much of a dream come true it’s been… now she goes and jacks it in at the first hint of any difficulty.’
‘I don’t think it’s that, Hugh, she—’
‘And so she’s not going to be earning either, is she?’ He rubs a finger across the crease in his brow. ‘And I imagine she’ll just assume that we’ll support her again.’
‘I don’t suppose she thinks anything of the sort! In fact, I doubt it’s even occurred to her; she has rather more important things on her mind.’ I lower my voice, allowing some of my anger to show. ‘But, in any case, I wouldn’t have thought there’d be any question over supporting her temporarily if she needs us to. She’s our daughter.’
Hugh clears his throat, looking a little sheepish. ‘Yes, of course. I rather meant… never mind.’ He shakes his head.
‘Besides,’ I continue, ‘she won’t actually be leaving her job at The Green Room because Nancy thinks far too much of her to let her just walk away. Esme was very upset, that’s all, she wasn’t really thinking straight; Nancy knows that.’ I press my fingers into my palms. ‘But there’s something else, Hugh,’ I say quietly. ‘Something that’s only just come to my attention.’
A flicker of irritation shows in his eyes. ‘Go on,’ he says.
‘I hadn’t noticed anything untoward before, but it’s just something Esme said this morning – about Th
eo. It made me realise how close they’ve become. I thought they were simply friends, work colleagues, you know.’
Hugh leans towards me, his elbows on the table. ‘Alys, what are you telling me?’
I can’t hold it back any longer. ‘I’ve told her,’ I blurt out. ‘She knows about Sam… all of it.’
He looks down at his plate and for a horrible moment I think he’s going to hurl it across the room, but then he sticks his face even closer to mine. ‘I’m sorry, Alys, but for a moment there I thought you said you’d told Esme that she has a cripple for a father.’ His eyes are hard, grey steel.
‘Yes, I told her, Hugh.’ I fling the words at him, lifting my chin at his flushed face, standing my ground. ‘But don’t you ever call Sam a cripple again!’ White-hot anger prowls around the base of my throat. ‘I had to tell her, Hugh, what else was I supposed to do? Think about it… about her and Theo… We can’t let them have a relationship for God’s sake, they’re half-brother and -sister!’
‘Yes, I can work out the family connection, thank you.’ He swallows, licking his lips slowly. He’s on the edge of letting go of his anger and I automatically lean back in my seat, glad that the table still separates us. His eyes search my face, assessing what he sees, measuring it against some internal scale he’s using to condemn me. ‘You know, I’m not sure what you’re more upset about; the fact that you’ve just ruined Esme’s life or the fact that I’ve called your boyfriend a cripple.’
The force of his words hits me so hard he might as well have slapped me. I don’t want to think about what he’s just said, but is it true? Is that what’s making me so angry? I shake my head, trying to clear the questions from my mind. Why am I even doubting myself? I know I’ve done the right thing. I look away, trying to grab the thought in my head, the one that will help to convince me I had no other course of action. And then I see it, the quick flash of a supercilious smile that flickers on Hugh’s face. A mistake that I was never meant to see.
