She still wanted to kill him for it.
She walked through the door to Jasper and Zander’s office later in the day, right before dinner. She’d spent the day reading the rest of the interview’s transcript and cuddling with Sombra, reassuring the big cat that everything would be okay.
That she would be okay.
And she felt like she would be, finally conceding to the very thing she never wanted to deal with.
“Quinn said you were…scheduling a therapist for me,” she said immediately, sitting down in front of him.
“I’m glad you’re finally going to do this.” He smiled kindly at her. “Really, Sawyer.”
“Well, my excuse for wanting to keep my identity hidden no longer works,” she reminded him.
“I know, and I’ve had three doctors turn me down for knowing who you are, but there’s one I think will work. He’s good - and I’ve actually used him myself. I’m not sure why I hadn’t thought of him sooner. He sees the team after some of the harder missions.”
“Awesome, so he knows all of you.” Something about that was comforting. That she was going to be with someone they trusted and not some stranger.
“And he firmly believes in privacy. No one heals when their business isn’t kept in confidence,” Jasper whispered.
She watched him close his laptop. “You were reading the news, weren’t you?”
“The interview from Charlie. He really put it all out there on you.” He looked pained. She wanted to reach out and comfort him. There was no reason this should hurt him, but something held her back. Maybe it was their recent distance. She felt detached from him and didn’t like it. “I knew all of it already, and he didn’t say all that much, no names or gritty details, but it’s pretty much all there if someone knows how to read between the lines.”
“I know. I wonder if James coached him on how to walk the fine line of explaining without giving the world everything about me.” She had been impressed with how Charlie rode the fine line of mentioning Henry without ever saying Axel’s son - or anything else that could have been used to identify the lost boy.
“James did coach him. Vincent called and asked how this came about when it started. He blindsided all of us with this. He’s sneaky like that sometimes.”
She sat quietly, not thinking about the interview. It was done. There was no going back and telling Charlie and James not to go through with it.
Instead, she thought about how distant she and Jasper were. “I know we can’t leave the house, but I still want us to do something. Your finals are over, so there’s no reason we can’t…I don’t know, have a picnic or something. Just me and you.”
His eyebrows went up in shock. Probably from her sudden change in topic. She promised herself not to let this ruin her, and she was going to make sure that included the guys. There were a thousand directions she was getting pulled in, but she wanted to focus on the one that wasn’t pulling as hard as the others.
Him.
“Are you sure? I mean, there’s you and Elijah now too. You’ve got to spend some time with him. And Vincent hasn’t been able to do anything with-”
“They can wait a moment longer,” she said. “I haven’t spent real quality time with you in weeks, Jasper, and I want to.”
“Tomorrow, then. I’ll make us something and we can go to the swimming hole or a field I know nearby and just have a small date.” He gave her a bright smile. “Thank you.”
“Why?” she asked, confusion taking over everything else she was feeling.
“I know this isn’t easy. You being with all of us is already busy and then this happened.” He motioned to his laptop. “Thank you for thinking to ask me to spend time with you.”
“Jasper?” She frowned at him. “Why wouldn’t I want to spend time with you?”
“Because you don’t need me,” he mumbled, looking away from her.
The anger was suddenly back, but she pushed it down. “We’re going to talk about that incorrect assumption tomorrow over some sandwiches and cake. You understand me?” She pointed a finger at him, pinning him with it. To hell with it. She wasn’t going to sleep until she addressed this nonsense. “You think I don’t need you? Are you fucking crazy?”
“Elijah said you would be angry,” he muttered, looking up to the ceiling.
“Look at me,” she demanded. She waited until he laid those stormy blue eyes on her before continuing. “I’ve always needed you. And I’ll always need you. We live in a madhouse - I mean, look around us. You’re normal. And I love that. Don’t be an idiot and think that isn’t special in its own right.”
“Sorry. I’ve just been…feeling worthless. Not ignored by you, just not useful for anything. You don’t need me much anymore. Neither do the guys, not really. It’s been weighing on me. I wasn’t very helpful on the last mission, and that’s been sticking with me.”
“You’ve been wallowing in your insecurities. You’re the smartest person in the fucking house. You need to apply it - that’s the problem. You need a confidence check, holy shit. You were really helpful with me in Texas, remember?”
And she promised herself to spend more time with him. He obviously wasn’t Vincent, where they could go a week without a private moment and be completely fine. He needed her around, present, in his space, it seemed. He wasn’t Quinn, who knew how to claim a moment without stopping them from doing anything else for the day. With her wolf, a simple touch was more important than a long conversation.
He wasn’t anyone except Golden Boy Jasper, who held more insecurities than anyone else in the house. And she’d forgotten about those. No more.
“So, a picnic tomorrow?” he asked, seeming wary. He was looking at her and quickly glancing away.
“A picnic. Me and you. Normal.” She looked him over. “Thank you for just outright telling me what was wrong. You and Elijah, so good at it.” If he didn’t hear the sarcasm dripping from her tongue, he was deaf.
“That’s not fair!” he protested, standing up at the same time she did.
“It’s totally fair. You’ve both been wallowing in private and didn’t tell me what was going on.”
“You’re being real rich with that accusation.” His face was turning a red that was similar to Zander’s. She realized he wasn’t appreciating what she had to say anymore.
“I tell you guys everything now, so don’t go there with me.” She crossed her arms stubbornly. “Come on. Tell me one thing I’ve kept secret since I officially joined the team.”
He opened his mouth and she watched him try and find anything. There wasn’t shit. She told them everything that was bothering her when it was bothering her.
“Fine. You’re right. I’m sorry.” He sighed heavily. “Tomorrow, we’ll go have this normal date you so desperately want.”
“Jasper? You know I’ve always loved you, right?” She didn’t want him to think it wasn’t real for her. He was so needed.
“I can always do with a reminder,” he replied, giving her a weak smile. “You know I’ve always loved you too?”
“I love being reminded,” she agreed, leaning over his desk to kiss him. He met her halfway and she could feel the storm brewing as their lips met. It was there, just waiting. How she wanted the storm. Her Golden Boy was so calm and normal, but the storm brewing in him wasn’t. His eyes were darker when she pulled back from him. He was breathing harder like she was.
“Tomorrow,” he whispered.
“See you then. I’m going to get some dinner.”
“I’ll be out in a…few moments,” he said, chuckling. She dared to look down but the desk blocked her view. Raising an arrogant eyebrow and smirking, she turned to leave the room. One day she was going to get that calm to break and she was going to get to that tempting storm underneath.
Even though she didn’t really do anything productive, she felt like she’d accomplished something for the day, and it washed away the negativity that she had started with.
13
Sawyer
<
br /> Sawyer was ready to go the next day at noon, standing in the kitchen as she waited on Jasper to come down. She looked over the food she’d prepared, then the stuff he’d done. Then she began putting it away, in a duffel bag since they obviously didn’t own a fucking picnic basket.
She was going on a fucking picnic. And it was her idea. The world was ending, that was for sure.
“Excited?” Vincent asked her as he walked in. She smiled, looking him over as he drew closer. He hadn’t shaved, hadn’t combed his hair, and his shirt was unbuttoned and untucked. She loved when he looked so completely like a mess.
“Yeah. I’ve never been on a picnic,” she answered. “After my day with Jasper, you and I need to work something out.”
“We play chess on nearly every Wednesday and Sunday. We don’t always play chess either,” he murmured, leaning down to kiss her neck. Shivers raced down her spine as his coarse stubble tickled her neck.
“We should be more spontaneous,” she said, tapping his chest.
“I think I like consistency. I know when I’m going to see you and it’s just us. It’s our time. The guys don’t bother us most of the time.” His hands found her hips, sneaking under her tank top. “Living out here doesn’t give us many options on more spontaneous things to do, and my plans to have you in Atlanta for a couple of days have been ruined…by Elijah’s plans to have you in Atlanta for a couple of days.”
“Touché. Now go on. I’m waiting on Jasper, and you are a major distraction from my planned distraction.”
“Yeah, I can’t stay.” He sighed, looking away. “Back to the phones. The public is already changing. Small groups of people are beginning to ask more about you, your story. More people want you to give an interview. James and I are still keeping that option off the table, but it’s a good sign.”
“I don’t want to hear about it today,” she reminded him.
“Okay.” He gave her a small smile. “Have a good time.”
“We will,” Jasper said as he walked in. “Keeping her occupied?”
“You’re late.” She crossed her arms as Jasper threw his up in exasperation. She grinned at the look on his face. It was obvious she was teasing. Even Vincent was snickering as he walked out.
“I live here. I can’t be late for anything. I said sometime in the afternoon. You’ve just been sitting down here waiting on me.” He walked into her space and kissed her cheek. “Thank you for yelling at me yesterday.”
“Any time. Now let’s go before we end up with a party.”
“Good idea,” he agreed, grabbing the duffel bag. “What did you put in here?”
“Salads. Caesar and fruit.” She liked refreshing foods, and she thought they would go well with the sandwiches he’d made. “There’s also a bottle of wine in there.”
“Of course there is,” he said, chuckling.
As they walked out the back, Sawyer pulled her jacket out of the bag. It was chilly - of course it was. “This is what we get for having a picnic in December,” she mumbled.
“It was your idea,” he reminded her casually. She eyed him, in his comfortable hoodie and jeans. He’d been more prepared than her. “At least it’s sunny, and it’s warmer than last week. No more snow in the forecast.”
“Yeah, I didn’t appreciate the cold snap. I’m glad it’s not freezing, just a little chilly.”
They walked out to the field quietly and she let Jasper find the perfect spot. Before they did anything else, she opened the wine and poured them each a glass.
“This will warm us up.”
“You like to drink too much,” he teased, taking a sip. “This is cheap-ass wine, Sawyer.”
“Of course it is. It’s the stuff we used to steal.”
She watched the memories pass over his face, smiling to herself. Once upon a time, there had been three orphans. They had no money, but they had connections. They could get moonshine every now and then, and they were also good at stealing cheap-ass strawberry wine from the grocery store.
“I haven’t had it in years,” he whispered, looking down at the drink.
“Me neither, but if I remember right, it was all you really would drink. You didn’t like the moonshine we got ahold of.”
“I’m amazed you remember that.”
“I never forgot.” She met his stormy blue eyes, hoping he knew she meant every word. “Now let’s eat, before we drink too much. I’m sure no one would appreciate if we got drunk out here in the woods by ourselves.”
“Quinn would find us and drag us back, but you’re right. Do you mind if I take this thing off?” He gestured to his prosthetic and she one-upped him. She didn’t answer, just moved closer. She pushed his pants leg up and reached underneath it to get to the straps. It meant her hands were on his thigh. “Sawyer…”
“Let me,” she murmured, undoing the leg’s straps. She slid her hands back down his thigh slowly and pulled the leg off. “I can’t imagine it’s comfortable wearing it all the time.”
“I got used to it. I need to make sure I keep it dry, and that I don’t make it too tight. You know, general stuff so I don’t give myself a damn rash or anything.” He was rambling on her now. She could tell by how fast he said it, a tumbling of words that reminded her of a waterfall. “It’s better than the stuff most people wear. It’s responsive, acts like a real damn leg. I love it. I wish I didn’t have it, but it’s the best that can be done. Though there’s a reason most aren’t like mine. Too expensive and-”
She rolled her eyes and moved to straddle his thighs, silencing the rambling with a kiss. When she was done, she smiled at him, wondering what he was going to say now.
“You really don’t mind the leg, do you?” he asked softly. “I fucking hate it more every day.”
“I’ll never mind the leg. You know why I was so pissed out in the jungle when they fucked with you? First, it was just mean, cruel-hearted. You are a damn good Magi, and we were on a serious mission. Second, you lost that leg for me. I’ll never judge you for a sacrifice made for me. I think you only mind it because it’s strengthening this idea that you’re worthless.”
“Maybe we should eat,” he said against her lips.
“Trying to avoid the difficult topics?”
“Always,” he confirmed. She laughed at that, knowing just how true it was. Years of him just bottling things up, badly at that. Where Zander was explosive, Jasper put it all away, and not even well, unlike Vincent.
They nibbled on sandwiches, picking a lighter topic: her, and everything else.
So light.
She quickly evaded it. “So, how was school?” she asked, curious. “That seems safe.”
“That might be safe. I’ve passed all my classes, straight A’s. I’m done. I didn’t register for anything in the spring. It’s time for me to look at other options for my intelligence than just collecting degrees.”
“You mean like…work for the IMPO!” She grinned at him, but he surprisingly shook his head.
“No, I mean leaving the IMPO.”
“What?” She didn’t know what to say to that. If he wasn’t on the team, she didn’t know what to do.
“It’s a small idea, and not a serious one,” he promised. “I’m just hitting a point where I’m feeling a little lost, if that makes any sense.”
“We’ll think of something, but I don’t think you would be happy out of the IMPO.” She knew she wouldn’t be happy with him leaving. And that’s what it sounded like. If he left the IMPO, it felt like he was leaving her. Not like she was always going to be an agent, or whatever she was, but it was what she had now.
“You think?” he asked, leaning to her. Their lips were too close for her to resist licking her own lips, causing her tongue to brush against his. “Maybe this was too heavy for us too.”
“How long have you been thinking about this?” she asked back softly.
“Since the Amazon. You know that mission really fucked me up, Sawyer.” He sighed. “Can we talk about this later? I can promise you tha
t anything I decide will be after you’re done with your contract. I can promise that. When you’re looking for what’s next, so will I. And hopefully, it’s not so different as you might be thinking it will be.”
“We can talk about the future later,” she agreed, kissing him to end the conversation. He didn’t resist, but he didn’t push back either. She took control of it and climbed on his lap, wrapping her arms around his neck. So normal, a make-out session during a picnic.
She loved him too much to think about a future without him. She’d been there before, not having him in her life. Not having his goodness and acceptance of who she was. She wasn’t going back to it.
She was pleased when he grabbed her hips and pulled her flush against him. She could feel his cock between her thighs, and she knew the storm was right there underneath the surface. She moved one of her hands between them and undid his pants before he could stop her. He groaned as she touched the head of his cock. She moaned as he grabbed her ass roughly, forcing her to grind against him, her hand trapped between their bodies.
“Sawyer, I need to tell you something,” he murmured against her lips between her attempts to keep kissing him.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing, but I’m a virgin.” He chuckled, his head falling where she couldn’t see his eyes anymore, his blond hair falling over his forehead.
She stopped and pulled away so slightly. This was a shock, in a way. She had heard that he never finished the deed with random hook ups, but she hadn’t considered that he’d never finished the deed. “This is why you stop us,” she said, realizing it. “Why it’s heavy make out sessions, then you find a reason to end the date.”
“Yeah. I didn’t just want to rush into bed with any woman out there, and I didn’t just want us to be about sex. So it’s just never happened.” He sounded so…insecure.
“You know what, Golden Boy? I’m going to blow your mind, then,” she decided. She pushed him onto his back, hard enough for him to thud. “But not right now. Outside in the cold isn’t a good place for it.”
An Echo of Darkness (The Redemption Saga Book 4) Page 15
