by Katie Ashley
“Um no.”
“It makes an ass out of you and me!” I snapped.
By the look on her face, I knew I’d gone too far. I sighed. “Look, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that-”
She interrupted me by holding out her hand. “Pay up.”
“Excuse me?”
“I have this thing about people cussing in my presence. It’s disrespectful, and I think it reflects on one’s lack of vocabulary. So I’ve started this thing called a ‘Cuss Can’. You cuss around me, and you have to put a quarter in the can. All the proceeds go to the mission work at my dad’s church.”
My jaw dropped. “You’re shitting me, right?”
“Now you owe me fifty cents.”
I stared at her in disbelief. I didn’t know who the hell she thought she was standing before me demanding money simply for cussing. What planet was she on?
“Listen Miss Priss, I’m not paying you a damn thing.”
Maddie didn’t miss a beat. “Seventy-five.”
When I still stood there gaping at her, she simply cocked her head. “Not man enough to pay up?”
For reasons unknown to me, I reached in my back pocket and pulled out a dollar bill. “Now let’s just get something straight. Nobody tells me what I can or can’t do, you got that?”
She eyed the one dollar bill and then looked back at me. “Need change?” she asked, clearly fighting back her laughter.
“Keep it,” I grumbled.
We were interrupted by Mr. Whitfield opening the door. “Can I help you?”
Maddie smiled. “Yes Mr. Whitfield, my father wanted me to drop off his sermon for tomorrow, and we also need to drop off some personal effects of Jake Nelson’s.”
Mr. Whitfield returned Maddie’s smile and opened the door for us. “Please come right on in.”
The funeral home was silent. Dead silent in fact. The last few times I’d been there I guess they’d been at capacity with relatives and friends hanging all over the place. The hallways were dark and empty. “Where’s the other family?” I whispered to Maddie.
Before she could answer, Mr. Whitfield answered for her. “Mr. St. Clare’s family isn’t doing visitation. Just simply a funeral tomorrow, which I think will be better in the long run. I imagine we will be at full capacity at the visitation tomorrow evening with all of Jake’s friends and family.”
I nodded. He ushered us into his office. “Please have a seat.”
Maddie and I sat down in the leather studded chairs in front of his desk. “Now let me see. Why don’t I take care of Mr. St. Clare’s eulogy first?” He held out his hand, and Maddie handed him the envelope.
As he was shuffling through some paperwork, one of his workers strolled into the office with a white box in his hands. “Hey Bill, I got a call to head over to Memorial Hospital. Some tractor trailer jackknifed—looks like we’re getting two from the accident,” he said.
Mr. Whitfield glanced up from his paperwork. “All right, Ed. I’ll expect you back later then.”
“Oh, by the way, Paul just got back from the crematorium. Here’s the Nelson kid.” Ed plopped the box down on the edge of the desk and then headed out of the room.
“You gotta be fucking kidding me,” I hissed as a strangled cry erupted from Maddie’s throat. We both stared in horror at the sight of what was left of Jake sitting on the edge of the desk not a foot in front of me. Nausea overcame me that the larger than life sports god and manwhore was compressed into one tiny box. It didn’t seem possible.
Mr. Whitfield grimaced. “Do let me apologize for Ed’s callousness. He should have never brought these cremains in here. We usually keep them in the back until the urn is picked out.”
Maddie’s breaths came in harsh pants, and I swiveled my head to meet her frantic gaze. By the looks of it, she was about to start hyperventilating. Before I knew it, she reached over and fumbled for my hand. Part of me wanted to smirk and say, “Yeah, who’s freaked out by funeral homes now, huh?” But I would have been a total prick if I’d done that. Instead, I did the compassionate thing for once, and I squeezed her hand before I cleared my throat and stood up.
“Mr. Whitfield, we’re really in a rush, so if you don’t mind, I’d like to just give you Jake’s things.”
Mr. Whitfield nodded. “Once again, I do apologize. We’ll see you two back tomorrow evening then.”
I nodded. I cast one final look at what was left of Jake before I tugged on Maddie’s hand, leading her out of the room. Her sniffling echoed through the empty hallway. When we got outside, I inhaled sharply of the fresh air as I leaned against the mahogany door. With her back to me, I could see Maddie’s shoulders rising and falling with her cries.
“Um-are you okay?” I asked.
She nodded.
“I’m sorry about having to—to see Jake like that. Uh—he would want us to—you know—remember him the way he was—when he was alive,” I stammered. I realized I sounded like an uber dickhead, but comforting grieving females was so out of my realm of expertise.
When she turned around, her dark eyes glistened with tears, and my heart thudded in my chest. I don’t think I’d ever seen anyone more beautiful than Maddie was in that moment. Jesus, what was happening to me? I may have never seen anyone more beautiful before, but I’d also never felt more like a creep and a weirdo either.
“You’re right,” she murmured. She smiled weakly. “Thanks Noah.”
I was too dumbfounded to do anything else but nod. I tried to shake off the weird feelings that were crawling over my body. I was going to be eighteen in two months, and I’d never, ever experienced the emotions I was feeling right now. I didn’t know what was more frightening: the fact I was entertaining attraction for the “goody” preacher’s daughter, or the fact that I was experiencing these feelings in the parking lot of funeral home not ten feet away from the ashes of my dead best friend. Either way, I felt like checking into the psych ward of the hospital immediately.
I led Maddie over to the car and opened the driver’s side door for her. She gave me an appreciate smile before I headed around the side of the car. As we started down the road, a thought popped into my mind. “So did you do the ‘cuss can’ thing to Jake, too?”
She giggled. “Yes.”
My eyebrows shot up in surprise. “He actually did it?”
“Sure, he did.” A wide grin stretched across her face. “He liked to joke that his foul mouth probably paid for the spring mission trip!”
I laughed. “I wouldn’t be surprised. I mean, Jake was known to have a pretty serious potty mouth.”
“He did for a while. Then he got to where he never even made a slip-up.”
I shook my head. “Wow, that doesn’t sound like Jake,” I murmured.
Maddie appeared lost in thought for a few seconds. Finally, she drew in a deep breath. “Noah,” she began. “You’re probably going to be hearing some things in the next few days about Jake that will—you know, surprise you.”
“Oh?”
She nodded. “I just want to prepare you.”
“What kind of things?”
“Well, things that you wouldn’t have expected from him. Things he didn’t want everybody to know or to see about him…yet.”
I thought about the ring and the song lyrics. I knew Maddie was on to something. Plus, there had been all that craziness in the last few weeks about him making a change and giving up drinking and partying. Frankly, as an extreme Michael Jackson fan, I thought Jake had listened to Man in the Mirror a few too many times.
We pulled into Jake’s driveway and got out of the car. I walked around and met Maddie on the driver’s side.
“Thanks for going with me, Noah.”
“Thanks for taking me,” I replied.
She gave me her beaming smile—the one that spread across her face, causing her dimples to pop out—and then she reached over and hugged me. As she pressed against me, I tried not to think of the way her fabulous rack felt. Instead, I tried thinking about how
comforting it felt being hugged by her. Once again, I wasn’t sure which one was the worse of the two evils.
***
That night when I climbed into bed, sleep evaded me. Instead, every memory I could conjure of Jake barreled its way through my mind. All I could do was think about him. A fire raged in my chest. Small flames licked at my heart until it grew into a billowing inferno. I knew what I needed to do, but I was too stubborn to give in to it. It was simple enough…I just needed to weep and to mourn. If I cried, I could release the pain…I could put the fire out. But I wouldn’t do it. Instead, I lay in bed, choking and suffocating in my own hard heartedness.
At two, I heard Mom’s footsteps out in the hallway. After tip-toeing out of bed, I cracked open the door. “What’s going on?”
Outfitted in her scrubs, she was pulling her hair into a ponytail. “Oh sweetie, I’m sorry to have woken you. Most of all, I’m even sorrier that I have to leave you, but Dr. Cooper’s had an emergency, so I’ve been called in to cover for her.”
“Don’t worry. You didn’t wake me.”
Mom stopped rushing around and looked at me. Her face then filled with worry. She came over to me and put her arms around me. “I’m sorry to have to leave you tonight, Noah. I can only imagine how you must be feeling about Jake’s…” She nibbled her lip. “Maybe I could get one of the other partners to cover for me.”
I snorted. “Mom, I’m not going to slit my wrists tonight, okay?” When her face crumpled a little at my harsh tone, I sighed. “I’m sorry that I sounded like an asshole. But I’m seventeen years old, not a baby.”
Giving me a hesitant smile, she cupped my chin in her fingers, “You’ll always be my baby, remember?”
“Yeah, yeah,” I mumbled. Even though I fought it, I really did enjoy it when she wrapped her arms around me and squeezed me tight. Nothing felt as good as my mom’s hugs—the smell of the light vanilla lotion she wore and the strawberry shampoo.
As she pulled away, she ruffled my hair. “If I didn’t wake you, why are you up?”
I shrugged. “I just couldn’t sleep.”
“Want me to get you something from my goody-bag?”
I laughed. “Yeah, you got something to knock me out?”
She nodded. “But just this once.” I followed her downstairs to the kitchen. In the bottom rack of the pantry, there was a bag of full of medical supplies—you know, the really good stuff that only doctors had access too. She dug around in the bag for a few minutes before snatching out a bottle. “Here you go.”
I took the blue pill from her hand.
“Sweetie, why don’t you stay home from school tomorrow? You know, take it easy before the wake and all.”
I almost choked as the pill slid down my throat. Since Mom never advocated for me skipping school, I thought it was best I took her up on the offer. “Um, yeah, sure. Why not.”
“Good. Sleep in and get your rest.”
When I leaned over to give her a quick peck on the cheek, she threw her arms around me, hugging me tight. “Jeez, Mom, you been taking the roids lately?” I joked, trying to lighten the somber mood enveloping us. Tears sparkled in her eyes when I pulled away. Oh shit. “Mom,” I warned.
She shook her head as her hands came to cup my cheeks. “I need to say this, sweetheart.” She drew in a shaky breath, and I could tell she was fighting hard not to lose it. “I just keep thinking over and over again in my mind how I couldn’t bear if something happened to you like it did with Jake. After seeing Evelyn tonight and the pain she was experiencing…” Mom closed her eyes as a shudder rippled through her body. “My heart just shatters,” she whispered.
Our roles shifted, and I took on the comforter by pulling Mom into a big bear hug. “Stop thinking those things. I’m right here, and I’m okay. Nothing is going to happen to me.”
I let Mom weep for a few minutes before I pulled away. “Come on now, you need to be strong for patients. Somebody is counting on you to get their baby into the world tonight.”
Mom bobbed her head as she wiped her eyes. Her hand then brushed against her abdomen for a second. At my confused expression, she jerked away from me. “Okay then. I guess, I’ll see you tonight then.”
“Okay.”
“Get some rest, sweetie,” Mom urged while kissing my cheek one last time.
“I’ll try,” I replied.” As Mom started out the garage door, I headed back upstairs. I started to feel the effects of the magic blue pill almost the second my head hit the pillow. Thoughts whirled through my mind like debris in a storm and spat out bits and pieces of random conversations. Suddenly, I remembered the ring and song lyrics. I could almost feel the weight of the box in my hand. Even in my woozy state, I tried hard processing the fact that Jake had bought a ring for a girl. Jake, the ultimate manwhore and player, had been serious enough about commitment to buy a ring. Jesus.
Then in the deep recesses of my mind, I had a brilliantly vivid flashback. It was of the last time Jake stayed over. My drug induced state only enhanced the affect, and the scene played out in my mind like a movie.
It was a week until Spring Break, and with all the craziness going on his life and mine, he hadn’t stayed over in a while. It was almost noon when we dragged our disheveled asses downstairs. We’d been up most of the night playing games on the Wii, instant messaging chicks, and inevitably watching titty flicks on HBO. Hey, don’t judge. We were just two unattached, horny dudes.
Mom, outfitted in her pink tennis skirt and white shirt, was at the stove taking up blueberry pancakes. I gotta hand it to her, the one meal she didn’t ever screw up was breakfast. As we collapsed at the table, she came over to us. “Hi guys! Did you sleep well?” She reached over to ruffle my hair, but I ducked away.
Jake perked up the moment he saw Mom. He flashed his megawatt smile at her. “Good morning, Maggie.” Sniffing the air appreciatively, he then said, “Wow, something sure smells good! Did you cook for us?”
Mom smiled. “I sure did. I figured I better do something special for you because it’s been so long since you stayed over.”
“Aw, thanks. That’s so sweet of you.”
She set a small feast of culinary goodies down in front of us. As she poured a glass of orange juice, she eyed Jake. “So what’s been keeping you away?”
He stopped shoveling in pancakes for a moment. “I’ve just been busy that’s all.”
“Hmm, has someone special got you running in circles?” Mom asked, desperately hoping Jake would abandon his manwhore ways.
“Not really.”
Mom gave a disappointed sigh. “Well, don’t stay away so long next time. You’re always welcome here.”
A knock at the back door interrupted us. Mom practically skipped over to answer it. Greg blew in his tennis shorts and Polo shirt. Jesus, he and Mom looked like two Neapolitan ice cream cones standing together. I fought my gag reflex.
“Noah, Greg and I are going to play tennis.”
“You don’t say,” I mumbled. Mom shot me a look, and I ducked my head.
“I should be back by five or six.”
“Okay.”
“You and Jake behave yourself, okay?”
“We will,” I said.
“I’ll keep him in line, Maggie,” Jake said, with a broad grin.
Mom laughed. “All right then.”
As they started to the door, Jake leaned back in his chair to stare at my mom’s ass in her tennis skirt.
I grabbed the newspaper next to me and whacked him in the head.
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“For scamming my mom, you pervert!”
Jake grinned. “Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”
“Well, you better try.”
He continued staring at the door. “She seems happy,” he mused.
“Yeah, whatever,” I grumbled, suddenly losing my appetite.
Jake cocked his eyebrows at me. “Don’t you think she deserves a little happiness?”
“Yessss,” I h
issed.
“Oh, I get it. You just don’t like him.”
“The guy’s a tool!”
Jake laughed and shook his head. “No dude, my dad is a tool. That guy,” he jerked his head towards the door. “is a decent guy.”
“Whatever.”
“You think they’re pretty serious? Like getting married serious?”
“I don’t wanna think about it!” I shouted. I shot up from my seat and stalked over to the sink. I tossed my plate into the sudsy water, which sloshed onto my shirt and the floor. “And what the hell do you know about marriage or relationships? It’s not like you’ve ever been faithful to a girl for two seconds.”
“That’s not true,” he argued.
“It so is, man. You wouldn’t have the first idea about how to be in a relationship.”
Jake’s eyes narrowed. “Take that back.”
“I will not.”
I’d turned to get a dishcloth to mop up the water when Jake appeared at my side. “Listen man, I’m not just some player who doesn’t care about anyone but myself!”
“I didn’t say you were.”
Out of nowhere he shoved me hard against the counter. “Not in so many words, but you did.”
I shook my head in disbelief. “Dude, what the hell is the matter with you?”
Jake’s face softened. “Nothing…sorry.”
“Man, you’re acting weird today. Maybe I better call Mom back to examine you.”
He snorted. “Um, last time I checked, having a vagina wasn’t one of my problems.”
“No, having too many is yours!” I joked.
Jake laughed but shook his head. “There you go again. I told you last night I was changing.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t know if you were serious or not.”
“Well, I am. No more one night stands or random hookups for me.”
“How come?”
Jake didn’t answer me. Instead, he walked out of the kitchen to the living room. I followed him and plopped down beside him on the couch. “Jake, you didn’t answer me.”
He glanced up from the remote and smiled—a truly sincere smile. “Because I think I’m in love.”
I almost fell off the couch. “You’re what?”
