by Jamie Knight
I didn't want to write. I felt like I was losing Hazel. What I wanted more than anything was to get the hell out of there and maybe find a drink. I hurried up to my room, packed my bags, and left as quickly as I could. I didn't bother to seek out Hazel or talk to her before I caught the shuttle into town. I was too angry. I just needed to be alone. Jay's words had affected me too much for me to think rationally.
Chapter Nine - Hazel
It had been a few weeks into the retreat, and I was still excited since I had accomplished a lot more than I expected to with my novel in a short amount of time. I was proud and eager to share my work with people. I had already told Jay, who had proven to be a very supportive friend. However, there was one person that I was incredibly excited to share my work with, that was Alex.
It occurred to me that I hadn't seen my mentor in some time. In fact, I didn't remember seeing him at all during those weeks. That was something that needed to be fixed immediately. I brushed my hair and gave myself a once over in the mirror before I left my room. Hurrying over to Alex’s room, I knocked on the door. I waited for a few minutes, but there was no answer. Knocking again, I waited longer.
Getting frustrated with waiting, I went downstairs to search for him. I asked around, but no one had seen him in a while, not even Jay. Fed up, I went and asked at the front desk. All they could tell me was that when housekeeping went up a few weeks ago, Alex’s room was empty. They just assumed he left the retreat.
“Thank you,” I told the concierge as I walked away from the reception desk in anger.
I went back to my room because I needed to be alone and let my emotions out. I couldn't believe he just disappeared like that. No, wait, I could. Alex had done it before, so I didn't know why I thought now would be any different.
I was so frustrated and angry with him that it felt like I hated him and didn't want anything more to do with him. He proved once again that he was nothing more than a coward. Once things got to be too difficult or required effort on his part, he just ran off.
Well, that was fine with me. I was much better off without him since I was free to concentrate on my writing now like I was initially supposed to. I didn't have the additional worry of having to motivate Alex anymore.
Fueled by my anger and other emotions, I sat at my desk and began to write. It was around eleven AM when I started. By the time I stopped, it was almost six at night. I couldn't believe I had written that much, but I did feel a little proud, though when I saw the stack of pages before me.
Deciding that was enough work, for now, I grabbed my papers to put them away. I was moving around when my stomach suddenly felt funny, like waves of nausea, which was weird because I hadn't eaten all day. I had been too focused on Alex and my writing.
I told myself, “Maybe I just worked too hard and need a bit to eat.” However, the mere thought of food made me gag. Weird. I reached for a bottle of water that was sitting on my desk. Maybe a small sip would calm my stomach.
As soon as the water slid down my throat, I could feel it coming back up. I ran to the bathroom and vomited out all the water into the toilet. After a few moments of heaving, I flushed the toilet and went to wash my face. My body felt tired and shaky. I could already feel the nausea again.
I looked at my reflection in the mirror. “It can be,” I said to myself in disbelief. I waited a few minutes for the nausea to pass, grabbed my purse, and left the room. I went down to the lobby and asked the concierge, “Could you tell me where the nearest drug store is?”
“Yes, there's one right down the street from us. It's a really close walk,” he informed me with a smile.
“Thank you!” I replied as I left in a hurry.
I practically jogged over to the store, bought what I needed, and ran back to my room, wanting to be back in case I threw up again. Sitting on the cool tile of the bathroom floor, I waited for the results of the pregnancy test I had just taken, counting down the seconds on my phone. When it was time, I took a deep breath, then nervously reached for the test.
I wasn't really shocked or surprised to see that the result was positive. Putting the test back on the counter, I walked out of the bathroom. I had a feeling that's why I had been throwing up, so that part I was prepared for.
What I wasn't prepared for was being on my own. I realized quickly that it would be my only option. Alex had proven that he couldn't be trusted. Now that I was having his baby, I couldn't risk him running off again. I didn't want this baby to go through what I went through.
That made it easy for me to decide that I wouldn't tell Alex about my pregnancy. Besides, it would only drive him away. I was smart and resourceful enough to handle things on my own. Alex and his immaturity would only complicate things.
Now, my main priority would be having and taking care of this baby. I couldn't let anything distract me from that. I wanted to write, but I was too afraid of throwing up again. Instead, I lay on the bed and looked at the ceiling. What I really needed to do was relax and get as much rest as possible. I knew I was going to need it. Tomorrow I would start researching everything I needed to know about raising a baby on my own.
Gradually I felt my eyes get heavier and heavier until I fell into a deep and dreamless sleep. This was exactly what I needed at the moment — just to cut off from everything. I would wake up in the morning refreshed and ready to deal with it all by myself.
Chapter Ten - Alex
After leaving the resort, I hung out in Colorado Springs, thinking about what I had just done. I was confused, trying to deal with too many emotions and feelings, so I started to question my actions. Had I acted too rashly? Maybe I had made a mistake by leaving the retreat and Hazel like that. I didn't know what to think. Instead of reaching for a drink like I desperately wanted to, I decided to reach out to a good friend who lived in town for some much-needed advice.
I called my friend Gibson, who I had known since we were young. “Look, I'm in a situation and just need to talk to someone. Is it okay if I stop by?” I asked into the phone.
“Yeah, go ahead. I'm not doing anything tonight,” Gibson replied, and he gave me his address.
After hanging up with him, I took a cab from the airport to his house. It wasn't that long of a ride, and the weather was decent for this time of year.
Gibson knew both Gary and me. The three of us had been good friends in high school. After, we would occasionally get together and talk, back when Gary and I were still friends. If I was not mistaken, Gibson even knew the Hazel story. Yet, I would probably have to explain it again to bring him up to speed on everything.
He opened the door right away when he saw me and my luggage. “What's wrong? You need money?” he asked.
“No, it's not that. It's something else.” That was all I could manage to say.
My friend held the door open for me as I walked inside with my suitcases. I set them by the door and took a seat on the couch.
“Well, make yourself at home. I'd offer you a drink, but I don't think either of us wants to open that can of worms,” he commented as he closed the door.
Having a drink was the furthest thought from my mind. Gibson sat in a chair across from me. “You look deeply troubled by something, what's on your mind?” he asked.
I sighed heavily, having no idea where to begin. It took a few moments to collect my thoughts. I finally decided it would be best to start at the beginning; that way Gibson would have the whole story.
“Okay. It all started over five years ago, when I was hanging out with Gary almost every night,” I started to explain.
Gibson interrupted me, “I miss Gary.”
“Me too.”
We both were silent for a second.
With a sigh, I continued talking, “You know Gary’s daughter, Hazel?” My friend nodded. “We were close because she and I shared a love of writing. I helped her write and published her first book. But things took a horrible turn one evening. Hazel was celebrating the fact that her book had
just been published and we got a little too close and… well, we shared a kiss in the kitchen. Gary caught us and forbid me from having contact with either one of them again.” I paused to make sure Gibson was still listening before I continued speaking.
He nodded again. “Yes, I remember hearing about that.”
“Well, you know how my life has been since then. Things changed a couple of weeks ago when I went on a writer's retreat. I bumped into Hazel, and things sort of rekindled between us, but I think I messed everything up,” I explained.
“What do you mean, messed up?” Gibson asked.
“Well, I felt like she was getting too involved with her writing and getting too close to some other guy there, so I threatened him. We had an argument, and I left the retreat without telling Hazel.”
My friend shook his head in disbelief. “You know, Alex, you haven’t changed one bit since we were younger,” Gibson replied as he looked at me in exasperation.
I was lost. I had no clue what he was talking about. He could see the confusion on my face and decided to explain it to me.
“You are a coward, Alex. You always have been. I'm being honest here. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, but you are always running away from awkward situations, and you can't keep doing that. It's not fair to the other person. It's not fair to Hazel,” he said softly.
I knew he meant well, but those were hard words to hear. We sat there in silence for a few minutes as I thought about what he said. I realized that Gibson was right, and I had made a colossal mistake.
“What can I do to fix it?” I asked him. I highly doubted that the writers’ retreat would let me back in with open arms.
Gibson sighed softly before he replied. “Alex. My friend. If you are really serious this time and determined to make things right between you and Hazel, then I will do all I can to help you,” he assured me. He got up and left the room for a few minutes.
I was left alone to contemplate my life choices. Unbidden, a memory of Hazel’s dad popped into my head. It was something he had mentioned to Gibson years ago, and Gibson told me. “If Alex had really been serious about his feelings for Hazel, he would have fought to be with her. The fact that he just ran off and left her like that proves that he isn't good enough for my little girl, even if he was my best friend.”
I realized all the mistakes I had made, thinking about how much I missed Gary, and now Hazel. I owed it to them to make things right. I hoped Gibson and I could come up with a plan to get me back into the resort so I could fix things.
Gibson returned with the information about the retreat and started writing stuff down. I wasn't exactly sure what he had in mind, but I guessed that I would just have to wait and see.
Chapter Eleven - Hazel
The next few weeks that I spent at the writer’s retreat were difficult. I wrestled a lot with my feelings. I missed Alex. I was happy that I had found him, and that things between us had developed into something more. Still, it always came back to the fact that I couldn't stand the way he just ran off when things got too difficult for him. It was childish and immature.
I started to guess that stuff like that was normal for him. Just the thought of him made me so frustrated and angry I had to remind myself to take deep breaths or count to ten. It took a long time before I was able to calm down enough to function.
By the end of the first week without Alex, any feelings of love, or anything else that I felt for him was reduced to nothing. I knew he wasn't coming back. There was nothing I could do to change that. I convinced myself that I was better off without him, and I didn't need to deal with situations like the one he had caused. I had enough on my plate already.
Even though I was emotional, I had made real progress with my novel, and I couldn't have been happier. I still managed to attend the group classes at the retreat in spite of my morning sickness. Those classes were proving to be a great help to me, and I was more than halfway done with my book.
I had made some acquaintances out of the other writers there, but my only real friend was Jay. One morning as I was getting ready for the group, I decided to let Jay in on what had happened between Alex and me. I needed someone to talk to or confide in, and he was my only option.
I cautiously made my way downstairs and found him in a corner of the conference room writing.
“Can I join you?” I asked before sitting next to him.
Jay looked up from his computer and gave me a big smile. “Of course! It's been a few days since I've seen you,” he greeted me happily. Jay was always in a good mood. He put his laptop away and looked at me curiously. “Why do I get the feeling that something is bothering you?” he asked.
I looked away nervously, not sure how to tell him.
He reached out and patted my hand gently. “We're friends, Hazel. You can trust me and tell me anything.” Jay spoke in a comforting tone to me. His words made me feel better, and I began to breathe a little easier.
“You're right. Do you promise not to tell anyone?” I asked. I needed to be absolutely sure before I said anything to him.
He nodded. “I promise.”
I took a deep breath and leaned forward. “I'm pregnant,” I whispered.
He looked around quickly to make sure no one was near us before giving me a sympathetic hug. Jay knew I was keeping other stuff from him, but he didn't push the issue. “Well, I'm your friend, and I'm here if you need me. And thank you for trusting me enough to confide in me,” he replied.
I smiled at him. “Of course, no need to thank me,” I replied.
After our hug, the conversation took a serious turn. “So, are you going to raise the baby on your own?” he asked quietly. Jay knew I was by myself, and he didn't pressure me for details about the situation with Alex, which was a relief.
I looked at the ground as I answered. “I have to. I have no other options, really.”
Which was the truth. I was literally on my own with a baby. No matter how old Alex was, he was always going to behave like an immature child. He could be of no use to the baby and me because he kept acting like that.
“Well, I am here for you. I'll help in any way I can. In fact, I think I'll go research some information for you. I had just finished writing for the day anyway,” Jay said with a smile.
I gave him a friendly hug. “Thank you! That means so much to me!”
He smiled again and squeezed my hand before walking away.
I was left in the conference room by myself. Other people were walking around the open space, but I paid no attention to them. Torn between nausea and hunger, I just sat there and waited for one of those feelings to take over. I was also waiting for the excitement to kick in.
So far, this pregnancy had made me feel nervous and a little scared. I knew I was strong enough to handle it, but it was still daunting to do it all on my own. I should be used to it, though, because that's the way my life had been since dad died.
I decided I needed to be alone in my room. After walking down the street to the drug store and buying a bunch of snacks to satisfy my pregnancy cravings, I sat at my desk, eating them as I read through everything I had written so far. About halfway through my snacks, nausea kicked in, and I had to run to the bathroom.
I needed to prepare myself to endure this during the next few months. My head spun a little as I thought about all the things I needed to do. Sitting back at the desk, I wrote out the most essential stuff. The writing distracted me from the nausea, and I was able to hold the rest of my food down for now.
Even though it was only simple stuff, I still enjoyed writing it all down. Plus, it also kept me from dwelling on Alex and getting angry all over again. I didn’t know if extreme emotions were good for the baby, so I made a note to research that kind of stuff later.
Chapter Twelve - Alex
It had been a frustrating and disappointing day. What should have been an easy task proved impossible. The plan Gibson and I came up with had failed. The people in charge of t
he writers’ retreat had refused to let me back in, stating that I had left for too long and would be behind. At least I made an effort to clean up my mistake with Hazel, but I still felt like it wasn't good enough. Gibson had offered me his sincere apologies before I left the retreat.
Once again, I had my suitcase in hand and headed back to the airport. I just wanted to be alone for a while and wallow in my self-pity before I had to catch a flight back home. As I sat there with my suitcase at my feet, I started to wonder if maybe the universe was trying to tell me that I had waited too long to fix my mistakes. I laughed that one away. I didn't believe in stuff like that.
That was enough feeling sorry for myself for one day.
I look around in my suitcase for my ticket home. I needed to go to the desk and ask the attendant if they could change the date to today.
My cell phone rang loudly in my pants pocket. I hurried to answer it before it could bother anyone. “Hello?” I asked curiously when I didn't recognize the number.
“Yes. Is this Alex Anderson?” a female voice asked.
“Um, yes. This is Alex speaking,” I replied.
“It’s a pleasure to finally talk to you, sir. I have been a big fan of your work for many years,” The lady on the phone gushed.
“Well, thank you. To what do I owe the pleasure of this call?” I asked politely.
“Oh! I'm the head secretary here at the writers’ retreat. I understand you left early without notice and had been trying to get back in?” she asked.
I sighed and hoped I hadn't gotten into any trouble. “Yes, that's correct, but I was already informed earlier that I would not be allowed to continue,” I said, repeating what I had been told.
“Well, Mr. Anderson, normally that is our policy. But seeing as how renowned of an author you are, and how much of a fan I am of yours, I think we could make an exception,” she replied.
