Dolly seemed with him in the lengthening silence, not just her physical presence, but as if she held a space for him to talk, if he wanted to.
“Divorced, my parents divorced when I was eleven. Dad and I didn’t get along much. Seemed like he was ashamed of us, me and Mom.”
“That sounds hard.”
That was exactly how if had felt, and sometimes still did, a hard place, a hard feeling inside him. “Yeah.”
“Are they still in California?”
“Mom is. Buried at a cemetery in San Rafael. I guess Dad is still there in Marin.” His father’s last letter, one of the many that went unopened, had the address of his father’s house in Marin.
“Luke, I’m so sorry.” Dolly touched his back.
He stopped for a moment, taking in the soothing feeling her hand on his back wove through him. But the hard places were still there. No one and nothing could change that.
Moving on, he led them through a dense stand of lodgepole pines. The chilly shadowed area unlocked something in him, made him feel almost like a shadow himself. Like whatever he said to Dolly would disappear in the darkness beneath the trees, absorbed and forgotten.
He strode forward. “They were a mess, my parents. Thought love could bridge the gap between their religions, their class divide, their temperaments.” He hiked up, pounding his past into the dust, but that dust reentered him, filling him with gritty heaviness. He cleared his throat and went on. “My father became more and more distant, and Mom turned to drugs. Dad found a new wife, had a daughter. At sixteen, I was on my own. Passed the GED, and started wandering. Ended up here at thirty-three. Been here ever since.”
Her steps quickened to a jog. She probably couldn’t keep up with him otherwise.
But he didn’t slow. He wanted to get to that plateau. Out there, he could see farther. He could lose himself in the sunrise. He could bury his past, again.
The trail widened and they reached the lookout. The sun lit the hills and treetops, blasting away the mist and shadows.
He stood still, letting the light and color wash over him. It didn’t heal, but it eased.
There was no healing for the likes of Luke Levi.
Dolly’s steady hand soothed on his back again. The deep feelings he held for her might be an echo of the love he’d tried to give his mother, but the two women weren’t alike. Still, that didn’t mean he should explore his feelings. It didn’t mean he could give Dolly the kind of love and commitment and caring she deserved.
She rubbed a small circle. “I’m so sorry you and your family went through that. I admire how brave you’ve been, but it must’ve been...awful for you. I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t need to say anything. It’s in the past.”
“That’s what I thought about my grief over my parents’ deaths, but it was still there. Probably still is. But being here, knowing you, and maybe just time, has sloughed off those layers I’d piled on to hide from the hard feelings. Sometimes we have to just keep feeling the hardness and discomfort until it’s run its course. Like...like the river. When you let it flow, it eventually smooths out the rocks. If you block it, things dry up and stay stuck.”
He nodded. Maybe she was right, and he’d heard it before. He’d been through therapy and self-help stuff in his day. There was no quick fix. Maybe there was no fix at all. He didn’t know.
“How about we sit and watch the sunrise?” he asked. “I’m ready for those snacks you promised.”
“Okay.”
He found a flat spot. She unfurled a light blanket and set her pack on it then eased down to sit. He lowered himself to a spot near her. Unpacking, she handed him a bottle of tea and set a container of her peach bread between them.
“Luke,” she said after sipping some tea. “Thanks for sharing that with me. I’m...honored by your trust and I really admire you for the man you are, and feel for the boy you were. And, I mean it, you’ve helped me so much. If I can be here for you...”
This woman was wonderful. Caring, thoughtful, beautiful in every way. And he, he felt too ugly inside to be open to her in the way she needed. He couldn’t forgive, he couldn’t forget, he couldn’t love completely.
“Thanks.” He ate some bread. This might be it. Because he had to reject her again, and she might not want anything to do with him after that. So he waited, sinking into this moment with her.
But he couldn’t let himself be for too long. That’s what had gotten him in so far with Dolly in the beginning. He’d let himself forget; he’d let himself be in the moment with her. He’d thought she was another pretty woman who he could be with for a while. But apparently time had run out on that life. He was at the end of that road. Dolly seemed to be on another path, one he couldn’t reach. The only way he could see was to go back, back to who he knew he was: a loner.
Chapter Seventeen
Thank My Lucky Star
Dolly reloaded her backpack, a bit lighter now than it had been. Unlike the feeling between her and Luke, which seemed heavier. But he’d just shared something meaningful, private. The intimacy between them surrounded her, tightened the circle of connection between them.
“Mind carrying this now?” Dolly asked, rising and stretching.
“Nope.” He stood and shouldered the pack. She tucked the blanket in and zipped the pack closed.
“Where to now?” she asked. Maybe they could go forward from here.
“Thinking we should head out.”
“Something wrong? I thought we were going up the rest of the trail?” She believed they were on a path, together.
“I think we should go our separate ways.” He glanced at her, his expression shuttered again. That glimpse of the vulnerable, hurt boy in him was gone.
She wrapped her arms around her stomach. “For now, or is this a long-term plan?” Maybe he just needed some space.
He rubbed his hand over his hair. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, but there can’t be anything between us. Let’s just leave it at that.”
“Are you bowing out of the job?” She furrowed her brow and followed him back onto the trail.
“No. I’ll finish that out. And then I think it’s time for me to move on. Seven years in one place is too much for someone like me.” His steps quickened again.
She pumped her arms and tried to catch up to him. “What do you mean, someone like you?”
“Someone who doesn’t get attached. I’d think you’d understand, given what you told me. And, I’ve been a wanderer most of my life. Feels like time to get back to that life.”
“Time to get back to something, or time to run from something?” Dolly wasn’t imagining the connection and feelings between them. And, with her recent PhD in Fear, she could spot it when she saw it, in herself and others.
Luke didn’t answer. She didn’t expect him to. And he wasn’t really rejecting her, he was rejecting the possibilities between them. It wasn’t fun, she was angry, but now she could, slowly, let go of those possibilities too.
Except she cared a lot for him. Felt she knew him, and wanted more. More time with him, more intimacy. But he didn’t want it. So she had to let go.
She stopped for a moment and breathed in and out. The piney morning air displaced some of the sharpness of the moment.
She couldn’t now, or even today, but that was okay. She hadn’t been looking for romance, but she’d found that it was possible. And that was a gift. Whatever happened between her and Luke, she could be grateful for that gift, and for the shedding of some of her own layers of fear. If he couldn’t meet her where she was, then his rejection was another gift.
They were silent the rest of the way back to their cars.
So, these gifts didn’t feel good right now, kind of like when she was a girl and she’d get a toothbrush instead of a candy bar on Halloween. Eventually, she was thankful for good dental hygiene, but in the moment, it was a big disappointment when she’d wanted that sweetness.
Her lips quirked at her equating the possibil
ity of real love to a child’s disappointment. But it would get her through, not treating it too seriously. At least until she was alone.
He walked her to her car and handed her the pack. The sun seemed too bright now, and it promised to be a hot, humid day.
“Glad you’ll be finishing the job,” she said. “Thanks for sharing the trail with me, and I’ll see you around.”
He met her gaze. Pain nestled in the corners of his eyes, and in the set of his lips. She ached to hug him, but he’d made it clear he wanted to keep his distance.
He nodded, his Adam’s apple rising and falling, as if he swallowed down the hurt, and raised his hand in goodbye as he turned away.
Dolly slid into her seat, threw the pack on the passenger side, and drove away. When she was out of sight of Luke’s truck, she let herself cry, grieving for what could have been.
“HEY, DOLLY, GLAD I caught you,” Nathan said as she sat at her favorite table in Gallagher’s Café.
“Want to join me?” she asked.
He smiled, his dark eyes twinkling with the expression. “Thanks.” He sat. “How was your week?”
“It’s been...interesting.”
They both laughed.
“That’s one of those descriptions, isn’t it?” He leaned forward. From his endearing smile to his open friendliness, Nathan was someone she wanted to spend time with. She found, as she had in Marin, that there were lots of people who wanted to create a community. Actually, here in Loving, there was already a community, and they accepted Dolly as one of their own.
She nodded. “How about you?”
“Good. Busy. So, what are you up to this Saturday night?”
“Having a late dinner and then waiting for Aunt June back at home.” She laughed again.
“Hey, I’d usually be tending my sheep about now, so that sounds like a grand time. Sure you don’t mind me joining you?”
“Not at all. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t mean it.” Her words reminded her of Luke and his sincerity. Lots of things did.
Nathan slid off his coat and smoothed his hand across his short beard. “Great. I actually was hoping to catch you.”
“You have me intrigued.” Dolly fiddled with the straw in her Shirley Temple. Even a week after her hike with Luke, she needed her comfort drink.
“Your aunt said I might find you here.”
The waitress, Lorna, came over. Nathan took a quick look at the menu, and they ordered.
Leave it to Aunt June to be persistent about something. “And here I am.”
“Would you like to have dinner sometime?” He laughed and smacked his forehead.
She giggled. He was a really sweet guy. “Aren’t we about to, or are you taking the food to go?”
“Not running out on you.”
She missed Luke’s teases. But she didn’t miss being run out on.
“I’m trying, ineptly as it turns out, to ask you on a date,” Nathan said.
Dolly nodded and took a sip of her drink. “I feel like I should be upfront that, well, Luke and I kissed at the wedding.”
“I know. Are you two together now?”
Of course he knew. This was a small town, after all, and Nathan would hear things, even though he lived outside of town. “No. Turns out he’s not interested in dating.” She shrugged.
“Then, how about it? Just two adults hoping to enjoy some time together.”
“I like that. Just seeing the new possibilities.” She definitely wanted to be friends with Nathan, so why not?
“I like the way you think. How do you feel about mini golfing?” His lopsided grin made her laugh, as did his question.
“Like I’ll beat you, hands down.” She placed her hands on the table to emphasize her point.
“Challenge accepted.”
“Is there really mini golf around here?” There sure hadn’t been when she used to visit Aunt June in the summers.
“Really. About forty-five minutes away. Some friends of mine own it as a side business. Gives people something better to do than tip cows and shoot mailboxes.” He winked.
“I look forward to it.”
“Great. Want to make a night of it?”
“Tonight? They’re open nights?” Her stomach felt odd.
“Yep. Ready to show me your golfing skills?”
Lorna set their food down, glancing between them with a knowing smile.
“After dinner and a sundae, bring it.”
His grin seemed ever-present, at least around her. It was easy, nice. She missed Luke, but she could get used to that, just like she was getting used to life here in Loving, Montana. Thank my lucky star, I’m finding where I belong.
Chapter Eighteen
Glances
“You look like the cat dragged you in and played with you awhile,” Mrs. D said to Luke on Sunday morning.
“At least it didn’t eat me.” He’d been up late last night. Another night at home. All he’d done the week since the hike was work and stay home. Dolly’s words had replayed over and over, a song stuck on loop. Last night, he’d read all his father’s letters.
“I never pegged you as a mouse, young man.” She set their plates of eggs and biscuits and gravy down.
He gulped some of the strong coffee he’d brewed that morning. “Squeak, squeak,” he replied.
Mrs. D waved an impatient hand at him and scowled. He didn’t even have it in him to laugh like he usually would.
“See here, Luke.”
He glanced around. “What am I supposed to see?”
“You’re in a mood, aren’t you?”
He shrugged and pushed his eggs to the side. This week had cut into his usual hearty appetite.
Mrs. D tapped the table. “My sources tell me Dolly and Nathan went out last night. On a date.”
He kept himself upright, but his gut seemed to cave in on him. “So? Good for them. Probably a good match.”
“You’re getting me madder than my gal Bette in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.”
He held up his hands. “Whoa, now, Mrs. D, that’s scary territory.” Not as scary as losing his chance with Dolly, but that was how it had to be.
“Then listen to me. You’re the man for Dolly Gallagher. Not Nathan Shepherd. I don’t know what’s got into you, but you get yourself figured out, or you ask that sweet girl to be there with you and you fight for the chance of happiness I see for the two of you. I want you both to be happy, you hear?” She began eating again. Mrs. Betty Davis had said her peace, and she wouldn’t brook argument or discussion.
“I hear.” He took a few bites. “But—”
The way her head snapped up and she glared at him made him stop. But, he wouldn’t back down, not even for Mrs. Davis.
He rose, cleared his plate, and finished by kissing the top of Mrs. Davis’s head. “I love you, Mrs. D,” he whispered.
“I’m not dying, young man.”
“I know. But after church, I’ve got to head to California for a few days, at least.” His gut turned.
“Why? Thought you said you weren’t ever going back?”
“I did say that. But things have changed. I don’t want to talk about it.” Dolly was the only person, besides the therapists he’d seen in his late twenties and early thirties, who he’d told about his parents.
“You come back to us, promise?”
“I promise. I’ve got Dolly’s project to finish, anyway.” He’d at least come back to say goodbye. His settled life had lost all certainty. Tim could always finish out the work for Dolly. Luke didn’t know what he was doing anymore.
Reading his father’s letters had shifted his already careening world.
“Luke, you sure you don’t want to talk about it?” Mrs. D clasped his hand.
“I’m sure. And please don’t tell anyone, not even Ken or Mrs. G, promise?”
“I promise.” She waved his hand away and ate a few more bites. When she covertly wiped her eyes as he got his wallet and keys, it just about made him break down. This woman,
and the other people he’d gotten close to in town, had become his family. But he knew how families ended, so maybe it was better he was getting well out.
His former therapists, and Dolly, would have a thing or two to say about his current thinking.
But he couldn’t consider that now.
He held the door for Mrs. D and they drove to church.
THE CHOIR SANG THE final hymn, Amazing Grace. It had been a favorite song of his, though it had become tinged with memories of his mom singing it while she cried, in despair over her life and unable to believe in grace.
Luke wasn’t sure he believed either, but watching Dolly sing it with the choir, after spending the hour sneaking glances at her, caused his core to lighten and his head to begin to clear of the muddied thinking he’d been sunk in these last couple of weeks.
Still, it was only a shaft of light, not enough to get a clear picture of his life and where he should take it.
But he thanked whatever God there might be for bringing him the blessings of his life, his home, his friends, and Dolly. There was so much more, and instead of all the bad times, the good memories flooded in, ready for their time in the sun. He was thankful for that, too.
After the service, he filed into the church hall for coffee hour with most of the rest of the congregation. He glanced around for Dolly until he found her, chatting with Tim.
Luke strode over. “Just the people I want to see.” He hadn’t even had a chance to talk to Tim, since he’d only decided what to do last night—really, early this morning.
Tim whacked him on the shoulder in a friendly way, and Dolly smiled serenely. She was beautiful, radiant in the way her light brown, loose curls caught the sunbeams from the high windows, and the way her pink dress made her skin glow.
“What’s up?” Tim said when Luke didn’t speak.
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