by Ireland Gill
“The babe with the power.”
“What power?”
“The power of voo-doo,”
“Who do?”
“You do! You remind me of the babe!”
We were cracking up, doubling over by the time we'd recited our favorite lines from the movie, Labyrinth.
Joel planted a hard kiss on my cheek. “God, Ev, I've missed you. I don't care how tired I am from this poopy jet-lag, tonight is going to be a night to remember.”
“It already is, Jo Jo,” I said somberly as I adjusted his Bowie wig a little. “How could it not be when you are dressed as our favorite character in our favorite movie of all time?”
Evan clapped. “I totally put the costume together for him! Jo didn't think we'd be able to pull it off, but,” he sighed dramatically, “ye of little faith.” He tapped Joel's nose lovingly.
“Yeah, yeah.” Joel chuckled.
“Evan, you did a fantastic job. The resemblance is impeccable,” I assured him as I looked over the tight, black leather pants and white renaissance shirt Joel was sporting. Evan's bright expression was so appreciative.
“What do ya say we go and get this party started?” Joel asked as he tried fixing his crazy wig again.
I looked at all of my boys surrounding me on the sidewalk and just didn't know what to say. I wanted to scream and jump around, laugh and cry, and just dance. I was elated.
“Whoo! Hoo!” Evan exclaimed. “Dark beer and dancing awaits!”
I smiled at Joel. “Dark beer, huh? The boy speaks my language.”
“You have no idea,” he said to me under his breath, jokingly.
“First round is on me!” Evan exclaimed as he grabbed Joel's hand and tugged him through the door, handing their tickets to the “gatekeeper.”
I giggled as I watched Joel and Evan file in and felt each of my arms become linked with my other two boys, Hayden on my left and Luka on my right.
“By the way, Evigreen,” Luka leaned in, “you look amazing this evening.”
“Thanks, Lukster.” I grinned at him. “Quite dashing, yourself.”
We all found a good place to stand inside, close to the bar, to order our drinks. While Luka, Evan and Joel started in on a conversation about how “life-like” Luka's wings looked (ha ha). I turned to Hayden, who'd been standing right behind me. He had such a satisfied look in his eyes, as if this moment had been one he'd been anticipating for weeks and it was finally here, everything going perfectly.
“So, this was all you,” I declared.
His arrogance was at a high. “Ohhhh, what can I say, other than....of course it was?”
I giggled. “You seem proud.”
“Am I that obvious?” he asked sardonically.
“A little,” I poked, then just stared into his emeralds, something I could never get tired of.
“What?” he laughed innocently, removing his phantom mask.
I sighed, still staring. “I don't deserve you,” I said solemnly as I stood on my tip-toes to kiss his cheek. And for the first time since knowing him, I caught a blush in his cheeks. I kept that to myself.
Joel strutted over to us. “Happy Halloween and happy half-birthday, my Ev-bear!” He handed me a mug of Guinness and Hayden a Coors Light, keeping one for himself.
Luka was in tow with his beer. Evan clanked his mug to mine and said “cheers,” before throwing it back.
A familiar song started playing and Joel and I shot each other wide-eyed glances.
“Poker Face!” We exclaimed simultaneously as we handed our beers to our significant others, then grabbed each others hands and darted to the dance floor.
Joel was literally the only person who could get me to dance to the song in front of everyone while I was still sober. We had a whole choreographed routine to the song and it had been a long time since we'd gotten to perform together.
As if never missing a beat in the months we'd been apart, Joel and I danced our moves on the floor, laughing all the while lip-syncing the words to our favorite Lady Gaga song.
I glanced over at Evan, Hayden, and Luka a few times, and they seemed to be amused by our performance. It made me feel higher than I already was. There was no other place in the world I would rather have been than where I was.
The rest of the evening consisted of Joel's and my goofy dances and more drinking. I was surprised at how well I controlled my habit, given that the environment we were in made it almost impossible, but I was proud of myself. And I could tell Hayden was too. However, Evan soon bought a round of shots, which consisted of none other than my poison, Yager.
I knew that Joel had gotten the idea that I had been working on cutting the habit after my fiasco months back because he gave Evan one of those we-will-discuss-this-later looks, but it was extremely hard to ignore the offer.
“Just one,” I promised Hayden and Joel as I took the shot from Evan.
“Yeah,” Hayden looked at me sternly, “I know it will only be one.” I'm sure it was a friendly threat.
“I'll stick to beer the rest of the night, I swear.” I offered him a reassuring smile. And honestly, he could. But I couldn't promise that my tolerance would hold up, because I was quite sure I didn't have one anymore. One shot of my poison, and it seemed as though I'd consumed ten of them.
Joel and Evan took their shots and headed back to the dance floor, but I felt the sweat starting to protrude from my skin. After about five minutes, I was hanging all over Hayden, and was becoming much braver with my actions than I'd ever been before. There were words that hung on my tongue like melting icicles, things I wanted to say to him that were ready to come out, and alcohol seemed to be the catalyst that would get them voiced. Well, I thought they would.
I felt giddy, high, and most of all, so beyond in love with him that I wanted to tell the world. But I kept rationalizing with myself that it was too loud to talk and, alcohol or not, the bravery in me shied away whenever I looked into his eyes.
“Evika, did you want to go dance?” Hayden gestured, pointing to our group. Joel and Evan were together, jumping around to the techno beat that started playing, and Luka had two girls bobbing around him, encircling him like sharks in a frenzy. I rolled my eyes and laughed.
“Umm.....” I stalled for a moment, leaning into him as I felt myself teeter.
“Whoa.” He caught me, then lifted me onto the empty stool at the end of the bar. “Or not,” he decided.
My head sank. “I'm sorry. I only had the one shot, I swear to God.” I frantically started to explain. “Well, and the beers, but beer is just beer. I didn't really--- ”
“Evika,” Hayden grabbed my shoulders and looked into my eyes. I stared back. “It's okay. I'm not mad at you, if that's what you think.”
“Oh,” I said with a sigh of relief.
“I do want you to remember this night,” Hayden continued, “and, I'm quite sure, that you'd like to remember it too.” He smiled, fixing one of my curls that blew into my mouth after a passerby.
The music was pumping beats that made everyone move. I looked to my right and saw my best friend and his boyfriend dancing with the happiest of faces. I saw my other angel laughing while a girl in a nurse's costume stole the crooked halo off of his head to twirl it on her finger, taunting him to come and get it. It made me smile. I finally turned back to Hayden, who hadn't removed his eyes from mine. I tried to focus on his eyes as well as I could; he was the only thing that kept me from feeling like I was spinning, the bad kind of spinning, the drunk kind. He was so close to me that I could smell him over everything else surrounding me, that natural rain scent that I couldn't stop breathing in.
“Funny that I'm wearing wings tonight, because I feel like I could fly,” I said, consciously leaning into him.
He chuckled and shook his head at me. “Let's leave flying to the professionals though, okay?”
I nodded and half smiled at him. “Thank you for tonight. You have no clue how much I needed this, or how much this means to me.”
His expression t
urned somewhat serious. “I do know, Ev. Since you've met me, your world has been turned upside down.”
Oh, God. Did he feel guilty? Did he think I blamed him for all of my life's turmoil? Ugh. If only he knew how my heart felt. If only he knew that all the good parts of me were brought out when he was around. His emeralds were driving me crazy, that sexy mask, and oh, God, that shirt on him should have been outlawed. It was looking better and better by the second.
And those words I wanted to say, those melting icicles I kept trapped on my tongue were dripping like crazy, begging to be thawed and spilled, but I still couldn't bring myself to say them.
The bravery in speech never came, but my arms did raise to his face, slowly sliding off his mask, revealing his beautiful face. “Upside down's not so bad, Hayden.” I gently pulled his face to mine and leaned in, closing my eyes and waiting for our lips to touch. I could feel his hesitation, then finally felt contact, but not with his lips. His hand cupped my cheek as his thumb rubbed my lips, lightly. My eyes flipped open as he leaned into my ear.
“Ev,” he said, “you don't want to do this. Not like this.”
“You don't know what I want, Hayden,” I answered collectedly.
“I know you well enough to know that you're drunk and that you wouldn't want this to happen like this. Your head isn't clear right now.”
“It's clear enough.” I tried pulling his lips to mine again.
“No.” He pulled away. “Evika, not like this. Please.”
I dropped my hands and laid them in my lap, looking away from him as I huffed. All I could do was relent and realize he was right. I was drunk. The sober Evika wouldn't have the balls to grab him and make out with him from a bar stool. The sober Evika wouldn't have wanted a first kiss to be like that. The sober Evika wouldn't have tried to kiss him at all, in fear of rejection.
And that's exactly what happened.
Rejection.
Surprisingly, that was the moment I started sobering up. “I'm sorry,” I said shamefully and hopped down from the stool. “I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable.” God, I was heartbroken. I pushed my last beer away, leaving it for the bartender to take away. I was hoping Hayden would see and understand that I was done drinking for the night. A horrible feeling started to build from the pit of my stomach as my heart sank. Not only did I feel shameful, humiliated, and rejected, but I also felt sick. My embarrassment was the catalyst to that pivotal moment of the night, and it was obvious that consuming that shot was the worst thing I could have done.
“I need some air,” I blurted as I frantically looked for the direction to the door.
“Okay,” Hayden grabbed my arm, ready to escort me, “we'll go outside.”
“No!” I said harshly, pulling my arm away. My pride had been maimed, and the hurt bled through my words. “Can you please just send Luka out? I'll be out front,” I said quickly as I rushed away from him and headed toward the front entrance. I didn't have time to check his expression to see if he was hurt or angry, confused or relieved. All I knew was I didn't want to be near him if I threw up, and I certainly didn't want to be near him just after he refused me.
I darted outside to the sidewalk and leaned against the wall, holding my head between my legs as best as I could in the dress I was in. I took deep breaths, trying to tame the threats from my stomach. I shut my eyes tight and inhaled the somewhat-cool night air. It was warm, but there was a certain crispness to it that calmed my nerves. Soon, I let my stomach reveal it's inner-workings all over the sidewalk of Savannah, and before long, I heard the voice of the white angel.
“So, Evigreen, I hear I've been summoned--- Oh, shit!” Luka rushed to my side, and I felt his gentle touch, rubbing small circles onto my back while I remained hunched over.
That was the moment that I let it all come out; my tears fell like they had been plugged inside me for years, screaming to escape. I hadn't lifted my head yet, and so many thoughts ran through my mind. I hated myself for trying to make an advance toward Hayden. The reality of it all was sinking in even more as each moment passed. I was then in panic mode. I felt confused and broken, humiliated to a certain degree. And, of course, it was my fault.
I felt guilty that I'd asked Luka to come to my rescue rather than my best friend. Joel was the one who was always the one that saw my best and my worst, and he was always the one who would have the right words to fix the bad things, or at least, the right words to make things seem not as bad. And here, I'd called upon Luka, the one who I knew would understand me the most when it came to my most confusing emotion of all: Hayden. For some reason, I wasn't sure I was ready to even touch that subject with Joel yet. I wasn't sure why.
“Luka,” I mumbled into my dress after spitting out the last of my stomach's assortment, “I'm an idiot. A total idiot.”
He laughed, kneeling down next to me. “Now, why would you say something like that?”
I looked up at him. “I'm totally sloshed and I tried to kiss him, and he didn't want me. I'm such a flippin' moron, Luka! I thought that maybe, just maybe....I don't know. I thought maybe he wanted me, too. We always get so close, and then it doesn't happen. God, I can't even tell him anything about how I feel, and here, I get drunk and try to suck his fucking face!” I cried. “What the hell is wrong with me?”
“Wrong with you?” Luka broke my rant. “Evika, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you. You're a bit on the drunk side, and I have a feeling he's just being careful.” He sighed. “Maybe he's just as reluctant as you are.”
I shook my head. “Ugh!” I grunted and slammed my head back into my knees again. “I'm being so stupid. I don't need to dwell on this.” I looked up at him again. “Why am I worried about this at all?”
Luka took the bottom his shirt and raised it to my cheeks, tenderly wiping the mess of black smudges and tears from my skin. “Because you're in love with him and you don't wanna screw it up.” He said it, plain and simple, no hesitation.
I gasped at his remark. He tended to know the feelings I had, regardless of what I was trying to say. I opened and closed my mouth a few times, trying to retort, but I had nothing to say. I couldn't disagree with him, for obvious reasons, and I certainly didn't want to admit it.
“It's okay, Evigreen, you don't have to say anything. Your secret's safe with me.” He shrugged with a light laugh. “Here,” he pulled something from his back pocket and handed it to me, “I knew this would come in handy tonight.”
I looked down at the stick of wrapped gum and smiled. “Always looking out for me, aren't you?”
“Always.”
I chewed the gum, breathing in the minty freshness and closing my eyes while I leaned back into the wall again. Luka did the same. We listened to the bass of the music coming from the inside of the warehouse. Blasts of it would escape as clubbers would make their way in and out of the door for smoke breaks or just to get some air. We were silent for a long time, enjoying the soundtrack of the ending evening when the door swung open again.
“Everything okay out here?” Joel walked over and towered over us, his blond wig dangling. “The hottie said you were feeling sick. You okay?”
I giggled at his comment and smiled at him lovingly. “I'm better now, Jo Jo.”
Joel raised an eyebrow, averting his gaze to the mess I made beside me, then looked back at me incredulously. “Well, I'm sure you're better now that all of that's out of you.”
I gave him a chagrined smile.
“Little Evigreen will be okay,” Luka assured Joel and patted my shoulder. “Let's go back inside and get some water, then we'll head home.”
With that, we three stood. I'd grabbed both of their hands to help me up. I wrapped my arm around Joel's waist and laid my head on his bony shoulder as we walked in. I still couldn't believe he was there. The doors opened as we followed the white-winged angel, and we were blasted with another wave of dance music. I looked up to focus on the first thing in my view and saw none other than the face of my angel as he stood holding a smi
le and full bottle of water. Still troubled by the evening's events and my deplorable conduct, I still wanted to let him know everything was okay, so I forced a smile. I didn't want any hiccups between us to ruin anything.
But it was that moment that I'd decided, I would never try to claim those lips of his again. It was he who would have to be responsible for that first move.
And I so desperately wanted him to make it.
8
Porch Swing
“So, things are pretty good with you, huh?” Joel inquired while he scratched Beau's belly. Joel and I hadn't known each other during the early years of my life when Beau was around, so I was grateful that I didn't have to explain my dog's ghost story. To Joel, Beau was just a dog that looked a lot like the one in some old childhood photos with me.
We were sitting out on the front porch swing in our pajamas after having been the first ones to awaken. Joel had come into my room really early in the morning to bring me a cup of extremely strong French coffee that he'd brought with him and couldn't wait have let me try it. After the first sip, I felt pretty good and surprisingly, didn't have the hangover that I was expecting.
“Things are good, Jo Jo.” I smiled at him.
“You're liking this new S.P.A. gig?” he asked.
“Yeah.” I nodded, not quite looking him in the eye as I remembered the time I'd told him I was joining the Seekers Protection Agency, a job with the government. It was hard not to roll my eyes at myself, but even harder to ignore the knot of guilt in my stomach. “The gig's okay. I'm still in training right now, but I think I'll like it.” The bullshit poured from my mouth.
“That's good.” Joel offered me a forced smile. I could tell that, behind it, he was aching to know more, ask me more. Normally, he would have found a way to pry the details out of me, just as he'd done on the phone a few months back, but for some reason, his questions stopped there. I felt more uneasy about not having to talk more about my fake job than I did about the idea of coming up with more fabricated stories.
It was quiet for a moment. An extremely long moment.
