You and I (You and I #1)

by H. M. Irwing

  I was suddenly unsure about so much. It all seemed so sudden and things had gotten so complicated right from the very start.

  We both were silent too long at first each lost in our own thoughts then an awkward silence of each suspecting the other. I couldn't stand what was happening. What we were becoming but I could foresee this being our future. I turned to look at his profile shrouded in darkness and felt the familiar tug, the pain of loss. I felt pain at the thought of losing him. I cared. But did I care enough? Did he?

  That first night together under my roof was not what it was meant to be. We both did not sleep nor did we have the guts to confront the awkwardness between us. If we rushed into this, we were not ready to admit it to ourselves let alone each other.

  At the break of dawn, Jake got off the bed in silence got dressed then just as quietly slipped out the way he came in out of front door. Jake didn't do stealth he was always bold in all he did. Walking into our house and up the stairs as bold as he pleased was not unusual for him.

  I slept then but is was the unhappy sleep of sheer exhaustion.

  I tossed my covers aside and woke up with heavy lidded eyes from insufficient sleep. Recalling the day before made it almost impossible to get up. It snuck up behind me like a dark cloud pouring out its shrivelling cold drops of sorrow on me. I pulled the covers back over and moped.

  "Hurry up," Emily pounded on the door, "we are going to town. I need to shop for a new dress and I need your opinion. Cat always just agrees with me."

  "I'm coming," I called out forlornly. It was going to be a long day. I got my heavy lead-like limbs out of bed and begun my usual routines. Deciding on a non-committally plain white t-shirt and my usual bootcut jeans, I didn't do skinny, I made my way slowly down to breakfast. Mum and Dad had thankfully already gone off to work so that left just us three girls to do as we pleased till they returned home in the evening.

  The breakfast was all laid out on the table. I could see Emily was going the extra mile to get me on her side. It didn't matter though I was going to suck up to her big time anyhow. She has been so wonderfully supportive in all this I would not let her down. We'd get her the best damn dress there was. This was going to be a very long shopping day.

  I took a bite of my favourite breakfast, butter and jam on toast. It tasted like ash in my mouth. But I swallowed regardless. Then took another.

  "Right. I'm ready. Let's go," I announced to the empty but listening room. A squeal of excitement rang out from one end of the house and a clatter of feet made their way down the stairs. I was suddenly excited to be headed out. To set all this behind me and start anew. Feeling a little light headed I ran to grab my things before making it out to join the girls in the garage.

  We eyed the cantankerous old car that was parked in the garage. Driving this was going to be a massive feat.

  "Are you sure you want to do this?" I asked Emily with all the seriousness I could muster. The Wogwarts was an old station wagon that had seen better days possibly only centuries ago. I doubt I could get it out of the garage let alone across to the other end of town but miracles do happen. And with this vehicle it oddly enough happened more often than naught. All you have to do is believe.

  The Wogwarts belonged to my aunt Elsie, my dad's older sister. She had gifted the barely functioning piece of scrap metal to me on the very day I got my license. You can imagine just how immensely deflating that day turned out to be. But nevertheless, I had retained old Woggy in all her rusty glory.

  This was not the first time we have ventured out in the car. Infact, we have pulled out the bold move several times since yet each time was like a new adventure. A new risk of never returning.

  I got in the front seat and with fingers crossed I turned the ignition. When the car started with nothing more than a rumbling purr we heaved a sigh of relief and then both Emily and Cat dove in beside me.

  A giggling bunch of girls, we made our way slowly down the slope controlling the pace of the car. I slowly released the clutch and shifted gear to pick up more speed. Then like a bolting horse the car leaped forward to burst down the road. We screamed out in mutual fright and shot off to town.

  I turned the key to off the ignition. The silence in the car was deafening. We all took in large calming breath before urgently reaching for the door handles to clamber out to safety and firm unmoving ground. Emily with her usual penchant for drama flung herself to her knees to kiss the ground in thanks for making it here alive.

  That sight unlocked something inside me. A burst of loud hearty laughter erupted from a deep well within me. I was feeling strangely buoyant. The crowd of onlookers dismissed us after shaking their heads disapprovingly.

  After exchanging amused glances, we marched determinedly to the dress shop. The day went sluggishly slow after that. Finding Emily's dress took forever and then there was the shoes to match and the accessories. It all seemed like a total waste of time to me but being frustrated and exhausted over that was relatively better than anything else I had on the plate for today.

  "Milly!" Emily called out on spotting her within the same dress shop. "Are you going to the party too? Cat and I will be there." I looked at Cat and knew instantly that this would be a long conversation that we'd want no part of.

  "Ice cream?" I mouthed out to Cat who nodded eagerly. Together we retraced our footsteps back out onto the footpath and then promptly took off at a jog giggling as we went. We had to time it just right and have our ice creams to go so that we may be back before Emily noticed our absence.

  Mr WaltPeters the local ice cream shop was just around the corner and as usual packed to the brim with whiny kids fresh on their school break. It would be more of an effort getting in and back out then I could emotionally afford at the moment. Looking at Cat as we approached I indicated over the noisy din of kids for her to go on in while I waited out here. I mouthed chocolate to her to tell her my preference and watched her battle her way in through the throng of noisy kids.

  That was when it happened. A matter ill-timed to perfection. Mr and Mrs Neel walked out of the restaurant just beside the ice cream shop and behind them were Celine and Jake. The four of them out to lunch together.

  "Got you your chocolate," said Cat surprisingly quick.

  Staring straight into Jake's hazel green eyes not a yard away, I said a little dazedly, "Is it lunch time already."

  "More like close to tea. Em is an awful shop-a-holic not that she bought anything other than what she came for but I don't know another name for it. Browser-a-holic?" said Cat jovially missing the cut direct that Mr and Mrs Neels gave us, as they climbed into the Merc parked on the street, the vague wave of farewell from a shrugging Celine and most importantly, of Jake's calm dismissal as he turned the opposite direction and took off on foot.

  The rest of the afternoon went abysmally slow so that it was with some eagerness that I approached Woggy for our trip home. But the drive home itself was oddly silent. We were all tired out from our day out.

  I slowly pulled the car back into its usual spot cutting the engine off. The tense feeling I was having intensified. It was as if I was the walls were closing down on me making it hard to breathe. I cracked open the heavy door and shoved at it to get out. My oblivious sisters had already rushed out ahead of me. I stepped out into the open and took a deep breath in. I knew he was here. Waiting. I looked around at the dense bushes but couldn't spot him in the approaching dusk.

  I moved towards the front door and opened it wide. Taking a last look around I moved to step in. Out of nowhere Jake was before me stepping in a head of me and just as quietly matching up the steps to head directly to my room. I followed only a pace behind.

  I was in his arms as soon as I stepped in. The door clicked shut behind me and I was pushed up against the door. I opened my mouth to speak but he took it in a drugging kiss that rendered me mute till long after we were in bed together.

  "I won't let them tear us apart," he promised as he took my willing lips again and again in pleadin
g intensity. My hands moved over him wild to have his clothes off and to feel his skin against mine. Article after article of clothing flew across the room to land where they would as he continued to kiss me and I continued to crave him. I whimpered and moaned each time his lips left mine to struggle with my remaining clothing but then my bra came off and his chest meshed against mine. His kisses grew almost violent then and my grip on him was just as cruel. I twisted my hand in his hair almost painfully as I craved for even more and he shoved himself against my soaked panties panting for the same.

  The peal of the phone brought us to our senses. We drew apart as abruptly as we came together. I pushed off him and clambered off the bed to search for his pants where the wailing phone laid. Finding it strewn across my desk. I grabbed it and tossed it to him.

  Then seeing where his hungry gaze was trained I grabbed my own shirt off the floor and shrugged into it.

  I was still shell shocked over what just happened and was no way able to talk about it or even look at him just yet. I needed him to leave.

  He must have been able to read just that in my expression for he said," I have to go. I will come by tonight."

  He paused then to look at me hesitatingly and I nodded eagerly. I needed him gone. Gone quick before I did something I would regret. Something I would love to do but will definitely regret.

  I licked my lips avidly and watched his every move as he got dressed. It was strangely as erotic as having the more intimate session with him that I had earlier.

  I stood there as he approached all dressed up. He reached into my open shirt to wrap his hands about my waist and hauled me up against me in a deep hug that said more than anything of how he really felt for me.

  "Just bear with me, Lucy. I will explain all."

  I nodded my head willing to give him this as I watched him walk out my door.

  Chapter 10

  "How was your day dear?"

  The conversation about the dinner table immediately erupted into a bout of discussions of how the day went. The main hoopla revolved around the acquisition of Emily's dress. But Cat's focus on the death defying trip in the Wogwarts made for a decent discussion as well, one in which I was glad to join in. No satisfactory solutions were successfully churned out though. But then I hadn't expected any. It was sufficient to have my voice heard and understood. Old Woggy was just that- old!

  The Neels were not discussed. They did not deserve a mention.

  But they weren’t far from everyone’s minds. The walk that followed after dinner this time involved my parents and I as participants. We grabbed our coats after Emily and Cat excused themselves to trot upstairs and pour over today’s purchases.

  The loose gravel crunched noisily beneath our feet lending an underscore to the natural operatic symphony that would follow. I hadn’t long to wait. For as soon as we cleared the first bend, Dad started.

  "Your mother and I have been discussing what’s developing between you and Jake," started off my Dad, "You know your mother and I love Jake as if he were our own. But is he really right for you, Lucy? You are just starting out with your whole life ahead of you. You will enrol in a studies that will decide your course in future soon. Getting embroiled in Jake's lavish lifestyle will be a step back that may be difficult to unravel. It will have consequences that will change you."

  Dad paused here and silence fell once more as we continued down the winding slope passing our neighbours as we went. There was some activity along the street tonight. Mr Robins was out jogging alongside Blackie his black Labrador. I watched in fascination as Mr Robins stretched out his lanky strides to keep pace with his canine companion. Blackie was a two year old pup. As loving as he was exuberant. I watched as he closed in the distance to us then leaped unhesitatingly into my dad's outstretched arms. Dad staggered on impact before bracing and trying to dodge Blackie's slobbering tongue.

  "Blackie!" called out Mr Robbins as he caught up to us. Dad returned Blackie back onto his paws but he instantly rose to his hinds and made short leaps as he continued to struggle to paste slobber on my Dad's face. My dad had that effect on dogs.

  "How are you Harold?" Greeted my mum. Dad was still preoccupied trying to evade Blackie's searching snot.

  "Couldn't be better," puffed out Harold Robins still jogging on the spot.

  "Good evening Mr Robins," I said politely while waiting for Dad to disentangle himself from his current predicament.

  "Call your dog off, Harold," called out Dad finally giving up. Harold pursed his lips together and blew out a loud piercing whistle that instantly summoned Blackie to his side.

  "It’s a beautiful evening for a walk," said Harold. I looked up at the full moon shining down and had to agree. The night was beautiful almost magical illuminated by the florescent hues of the moonlight. I took a deep breath of the refreshing night air and instantly smelled wet dog. I looked down to glare at Blackie who gazed back unperturbed with lollying tongue and wagging tail.

  I listened with half an ear as Dad launched into a discussion with Harold over the latest that made the local news. From there the discussion progressed to rising interest rates and the mortgage pressures everyone was facing. After a while, I started to shift impatiently and gave mum the eye to get her to urge Dad along. I was certain Blackie was as unimpressed with the delay. Mum caught on to my disgruntled look accurately and worked her magic and soon we were off again waving farewell to Harold Robbins and Blackie as we went.

  "So have you decided yet over what course you're going to pursue and which universities are you looking at?" Dad was quick to resume the conversation where it left off. I provided the usual prevarication and declined to give a definitive answer.

  "When I was your age I was as clueless. David always had his sense of direction on high alert. He had seemed fairly brimming with goals and ambition with a target painted dead set in his mind. I, however, had to go through a journey of self-discovery during which I met your mother and decided on accounting as a means to butter my bread. More out of necessity then true ambition, mind you," Dad paused poignantly recalling some turning point in his past.

  "You are a lot like me," he continued. "I don't want you suffering from those very same mistakes that I myself had made."

  I shifted uncomfortably then, eager for this walk to end.

  Thankfully, mum chose to take pity on me and cut in, "What your dad is trying to say is we don't think Jake is right for you, dear. You have nothing in common and you both are so young. I just want you to go into this if you must with your eyes open. Don't just jump in because you've known Jake all your life. Jake as a friend will be very different from Jake as a boyfriend." Mum paused here to contemplate what she just said then added, "you know what I mean, dear."

  I just nodded my head and mumbled out something suitable. The thing is I did know what she meant. I've known it for years and I still feel so strongly for him. I restrained the shiver that ran down my spine over recalling what happened earlier today and knowing that he would be back tonight wasn’t helping matters either. I was suddenly eager to get home. Was he there in my room...in my bed ...waiting, already?

  The return was positively snail paced slow. I was almost beside myself in eagerness to see Jake again. As soon as the house emerged in sight, I made some vague excuse and shot forward at a running pace. I all but clambered up the stairs in my haste. But when I got through the empty room and checked out the empty bathroom I was utterly deflated. I realised then that he might not be coming.

  My shoulders slumped as my excitement dissipated. I went through the motions of getting ready for bed like a wound up clockwork. I was wide awake and tucked up in bed not moments after but I could not sleep. I checked my phone several times and had to refrain myself from calling.

  It was well past 1 am when the door to my room creaked open the moonlight lit across his silhouette unmistakeably identifying my late visitor. I stared as he silently slipped in before going through the motions of preparing for bed. I watched as he shrugged o
ut of t-shirt then unbuckled his pants. The sound of his zipper being drawn down was loud to my sensitized ears. My heart beat thrummed up a notch in response. Then clad in nothing but his briefs he came over to the bed and snapped my bedside lamp on. I shut my eyes at the sudden glare. The mattress creaked as his weight fell onto it. I rolled towards him even as he gathered me close.

  We stared in silence at each other not knowing how to be together and yet not able to stay apart. Then he leaned over and ignoring my aching lips he brushed his lips across my forehead. The light snapped off and finally I was able to sleep. Fatigue held at bay now swamped over me and took me under even as I nestled closer in his arms and wound my own tight about him.

  **********

  "Bloody hell! Where are my rollers?"

  Waking up to Emily hollering was not a good start to my day. I blinked open an eye at her and then it dawned on me that she was here in my room. In a panicked reaction I all but flew out of bed trying to see if Jake was still there but he wasn't. There was no indication that he had been here at all.

  "I assure you Emily. I have not seen your roller. You would do better asking Cat," I managed to get out somewhat calmly after that. Running a shaking hand through my tousled hair I took a deep breath to calm my rapid heart then stretched mightily.

  "Well it’s not where I last left it. Cat hasn't a clue. My party is tonight and I need my rollers now if the curls are to set by then...," the grating sound of Emily's whingeing faded in and out as she went in and out of my closet then in and out of my bathroom searching.

  I groaned and crawled back into bed pulling the pillows over my head. My quick glance at the clock told me it was past 10. I needed to be up if for nothing else then to call Jake and just talk to him. I decided over the phone was the best mode for us. In person other distractions would come to play. Sighing heavily I got out of bed again and made haste over my usual ritual. I needed my daily dose of morning coffee with a penchant that surprised me. It was only after my morning coffee and breakfast that I felt remotely human enough to function at all.