“Oh my God.” She clamps a hand over her mouth, my statement hovering over us like a dark cloud. “That’s awful, but it’s not your fault. You didn’t force her to take drugs. She made her own choices which led to her death.”
“That’s not the way my mother sees it.” I grit my teeth. “Mom blames me. Her best friend is distraught at the loss of her daughter, and my mother pointed the finger at me. She said stuff she can never take back.”
“Like what?”
“Like I’m a pervert and my obsession with you meant I turned my back on Cassie when she needed me most.” I’ll spare Blaire the truly gory details. Like how my mother called her every disgusting word under the sun. Like how she beat me with her fists until her knuckles turned purple. How she told me I was dead to her and I might as well have died with Cassie.
“She’s wrong. That’s not who you are.” She pleads with her eyes, clasping both my hands in hers.
Her faith in me is misguided. “I am since I came here. I’ve treated girls like shit, screwing them and then discarding them like they’re worthless, when really that’s how I feel. I failed you. I failed Cassie. I failed my mother.”
She scoots closer to me, forcing my eyes to lock on hers. “You are not worthless!” Her tone is laced with vindication. “Your mother has made you feel that way, but you are not worthless to me or the guys or the rest of your family or your football buddies.” I look away, unable to stare into her earnest eyes.
She thinks she can save me.
I see it in her expression.
But I’m gone beyond the point of saving.
“Look at me,” she demands, turning my face back around. “You are worth everything to me. And you have so much to offer the world. Don’t let her hurtful words pull you down.”
“My own mother hates me, Blaire. Have you any idea how that feels?”
“No, but I was invisible to my parents for a long while, and that hurt a lot. It felt like they cared more about Ethan than me, but I was mistaken. They were just grieving. Maybe your mom was too. You told me she wanted you to marry Cassie, and she was probably like a daughter to her in a lot of ways.”
“It’s been more than a year and a half, and she hasn’t once picked up the phone to call me.”
“Have you?” she quietly asks, and I shake my head. “Have you even spoken to anyone about this? A professional?” I shake my head again. “It would help, but you have to want to be helped.”
I’m not sure that I do. Sure, I hate myself most days. Hate this asshole I’ve turned into but, I know if I follow this path I’m opening myself up to a whole new world of hurt, and I don’t think I’m brave enough to do it.
“What if it’s not enough?” I risk asking her. “What if my mother refuses to listen and I’m still dead to her. I’m not sure I could handle that.”
“If she does, it’s her loss, but you’ll feel better for confronting your feelings and trying to put things right.”
I shrug. “I don’t know.”
“Just think about it.”
I deliberately switch the topic of conversation, sick of talking about myself. “I didn’t come here to talk about me.”
“Why did you come here?”
I shrug again. “I owed you an apology. I thought you didn’t care. That it had all been a lie. That I’d thrown Cassie to the wolves for nothing. That I’d defended you to my mother when you hadn’t loved me after all.”
“It wasn’t a lie,” she whispers. “Everything I told you was true.” She runs her fingers lightly through my hair. “I cared about you back then, and I still care about you even if you don’t want anything to do with me. I just want you to be happy.”
There’s no doubting the truth when it’s written all over her face. “I missed you so much,” I tell her, staring deep into her eyes. “But then anger and hate took over, and it consumed me.”
“I understand.” She bobs her head.
“How can you? I’m everything you should despise.” Self-loathing swathes me like a blanket.
“No, you’re not. You’ve just lost your way, but you’re still you.” She places her hand on my chest, right over my heart, and it thumps wildly in response. “You’re still the Heath I fell in love with.”
I suck in a gasp. Her bravery astounds me. She’s not afraid to be vulnerable in front of me. I wish I was a better man. A stronger one. To match her vulnerability and her bravery, but I’m not.
But I think I can be again. “If I go for therapy, would you … would you come with me?”
Her smile is as magnificent as the northern lights, and her entire face lights up. “Of course, I’ll go with you. I’d do anything for you, Heath. Anything. All you have to do is ask.”
Chapter Thirty-Nine
Blaire
The next week is kind of surreal. We settle back into a familiar pattern, yet it’s not familiar at the same time. Skeet is as affectionate as ever, lavishing me with attention. Ax is holding himself back, and I can’t gauge his feelings, but I don’t pry, because I told him I’d give him space. Heath is around, yet he’s not present. He hasn’t brought up the subject of therapy again, and he isn’t as talkative in my presence as he used to be, but I know he’s dealing with a lot of stuff too, so I cut him some slack.
“I’ve been thinking,” Skeet says Friday evening as we’re all lounging around the guys’ living room after a long week.
“Fuck. Should we be worried?” Ax teases.
Skeet throws a cushion at his head before flipping him the bird. “I’m trying to be serious here, asshat.” He wraps his arms around my waist, and I lean back into him. We’re stretched along the length of the couch with my back snuggled into his warm chest. “Before we talk to Cam, maybe we can do a little investigative work on our own.”
I sit up straighter, twisting around so I’m looking him in the face. “One, who said anything about all of us talking to my ex, and two, what kind of investigative work?”
“Baby, if you think we’re letting you fly to Rhode Island to confront that lame ass ex of yours alone, you don’t know us very well.” He arches a brow, challenging me to argue with him.
“But—”
“It’s not up for debate,” Ax adds. “And the flights are already booked. We reserved seats in the row beside you.”
I booked a flight for one week from this Saturday. I’m planning on flying in and out of Rhode Island on the same day.
Cam is studying at Brown. It was always his lifelong dream. His father studied there and his father before him. It didn’t take much effort to confirm that’s where he is. And Skeet was able to locate his address in a matter of minutes. I’ve decided not to contact him in advance for fear he won’t agree to see me. Surprising him in person is my best chance even if I’m nervous about seeing him after all this time.
It’ll be good to have some moral support in case it doesn’t go well. So, I’m not displeased they’ve done this behind my back, but it’s fun to pretend I am. I cross my arms over my chest and scowl. “And you were going to tell me this when?”
“You sound like you want to be alone with him,” Heath cuts in. “Do you have another agenda besides seeking the truth?”
I know this is coming from that angry, seething place lurking inside him and that he can’t help it. Besides, it’s a valid point.
“Don’t be such a fucking asshole,” Skeet chastises him, but I put my hand over his mouth, cautioning him with my eyes.
“Heath has a right to express himself, and I’m glad he brought it up, so I can lay that ghost to rest. I have no romantic or sexual interest in Cam. I only want the truth. And just so we’re clear, the only men I’m interested in are in this room.” I level a look at Heath. “Does that answer your question?”
His lips kick up at the corners, and it’s amazing to see. “Sorry for being an ass.”
�
��You’re forgiven.” I blow him a kiss, and I’m rewarded with a full-fledged smile this time, and it warms my insides. I’m confident I can thaw out his angry, frozen heart even if I’m only chipping away at it bit by bit. I palm Skeet’s cheek. “Now, tell me your suggestion, baby.”
Grabbing my head, he pulls my face to his, melding our mouths together in a long, slow, sensual kiss. I’m grinning against his mouth because I know what he’s doing. Yes, Skeet is a huge believer in PDAs, and it’s not unusual for him to kiss me in front of the others, but he’s even more affectionate than I remember him being, and I think he’s trying to show the guys what they’re missing by touching me any chance he gets.
“You’ve made your point, Thorp.” Ax’s tone is glacial, and I think Skeet’s strategy is working.
“Get your tongue out of Blaire’s mouth, and tell us what you’re thinking,” Heath adds.
“Jealous?” he retorts when he finally pulls free of my mouth. My lips are swollen, and my mouth tastes minty, just like him. We’re pressed against one another in all the right places, and the evidence of his arousal is digging into my lower stomach, elevating my own desire.
We haven’t done anything except kiss this week, but I’m dying for more. It’s been ages since I last slept with Ax, and my neglected body is crying out to be filled. I don’t think I’ll last much longer before I jump his bones.
“Skeet. Just spit it out.” Ax is growing impatient.
Skeet ignores him, rubbing his lower lip while piercing me with a suggestive look that does funny things to my insides. It takes all my willpower not to glue my mouth to his and take what I want.
“Jesus Christ,” Heath exclaims, jumping up. “Why don’t you just fuck and be done with it.” Then he storms out of the living room leaving a thunderous blowback in his wake.
“Was it something I said?” Skeet somewhat jokes, and I slap his chest.
“Don’t make fun of this.”
“You haven’t lived with his mood swings like we have,” Ax interjects when I stand. “Don’t go after him. Let him calm down, and he’ll come back.”
“Ax is right. Let him cool down.” Skeet pulls me down onto his lap. “Did Ethan have a tablet or laptop?”
“He had an iPad. Why?”
“Do you still have it?”
I nod. “Yeah. It’s in a box with his other things.”
“Please say you have it here with you.”
“I do.” I tuck my hair behind my ears. “I like to look through his things sometimes. It helps me feel close to him again.”
“Would you mind if I took a look at it?” He pushes strands of hair back out of his eyes.
“No, of course not. You think you might find something there?”
“It can’t hurt to try, right? I was wondering if he was getting nasty emails like you, and maybe they said something which triggered him to do what he did.” It’s not a huge stretch because the email I got encouraged my suicide decision, but deciding to go out and shoot a bunch of kids dead is an entirely different matter. Still, it can’t hurt for Skeet to look. Maybe we might find something.
“You’re right. It can’t hurt to look, but the police already checked his iPad and his iPhone, so I doubt you’ll find anything.”
“I’d still like to try.” He runs his hands up and down my arms, and I sink back against him. “I’d also like to try and find out who was sending you those emails. Do you still have them?”
“I had saved them in my inbox, but it was my old Kentsville High email account, and I can’t even remember the password.”
“No problem. I’ll hack into their servers and retrieve the info.”
I arch a brow, tilting my head back to look at him. “I didn’t know you could do stuff like that?”
“Chris has been teaching me hacks for years. There isn’t much I can’t do with a computer.”
“Such modesty,” Ax deadpans, and I giggle.
Skeet rises to his feet, taking me with him. “Why don’t we swing by the residence hall before we head to the movies, and we can take a look.”
“Sounds like a plan.” I swipe my cardigan and book bag off the floor before fixing Ax with a hopeful look. “Do you want to come with?”
He rubs a hand across the back of his neck. “I’ve got crap to do, but you two have fun.”
Disappointment crawls over me, but I plaster a fake smile on my face. “Okay, sure.”
As I walk past Ax, he takes hold of my elbow, pulling me into his side. “It’s not what you think. I have an assignment due on Monday, and I haven’t written a word yet.” His eyes bore into mine, and I sway on my feet. His warm breath ghosts over my face when he leans in closer. “I’d love nothing better than to snuggle up in a dark movie theater with you.” He slides his arm around my lower back, holding me close. His scent swirls around me, hypnotizing me, and my core throbs with need. “How about a rain check?”
“Sure,” I rasp in a breathless tone. His eyes flick to my lips as his pupils dilate, flashing dangerously. Electricity ripples in the air, and I fixate on his mouth, licking my lips in anticipation. His body locks up tight against mine, and I think we’ve both stopped breathing. My chest heaves up and down as I silently beg him to kiss me. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted a kiss so much. I lift my eyes, meeting his desire-laden gaze, and a tiny whimper flies out of my mouth.
He brushes his lips against mine, but it’s so fleeting I’m not sure I didn’t imagine it. “Do you have any plans for Monday night?” he asks, resting his hands loosely on my hips.
“I’ve none now,” I admit in a breathy tone, and his lips kick up.
“Then it’s a date.” His eyes linger on my lips again, and I hold my breath.
Kiss me. Please.
Indecision is written all over his face, and when he lets me go, my euphoria floats away, replaced by rejection. “Enjoy the movie,” he says with a soft smile. “Let me know if you find anything on the iPad.”
“We will.” Skeet swings his arm around my shoulders, steering me toward the door because I appear incapable of placing one foot in front of the other by myself. “Catch you later.”
I let Skeet guide me out of the house in a daze. “Damn it,” he says, and I break free of the Ax spell I’m under.
“What?”
“I was so sure he was going to kiss you.”
“Me too.”
“You sound disappointed.”
“Would it upset you if I said I was?”
He crashes to a halt, pulling me against him. “Not in the slightest. The opposite in fact.” I raise a brow, and he chuckles. “I want things to go back to the way they were. I know they both still love you and they’re just being stubborn.”
“Or cautious?” I suggest.
Skeet takes my hand, towing me toward his car. “Life is too short to waste even a single second being cautious. But hey, their loss is my gain.” He winks before darting in and nipping at my earlobe. “And I’m going to enjoy my alone time with you before I have to share.” He swats my butt, and I yelp. “Now get your cute ass in the Jeep, and let’s get out of here.”
The dorm is empty when we arrive, and I remember that Nina has study group this evening. Skeet takes the box of Ethan’s things down from the top shelf of the closet, setting it on the bed. I locate the iPad and his iPhone, but both are powered down, so we plug them in to charge and set out for the theater.
I couldn’t tell you what movie we just watched because Skeet and I spent virtually the entire time making out. “What was the name of that movie?” I ask as we make our way back to the Jeep.
Skeet throws back his head, laughing. “I couldn’t tell you. I was too preoccupied with my hot date.”
My core throbs, reminding me how damp my panties are. “If you wanted to dry hump me, we could’ve just stayed home,” I tease as I climb into the car.
“I’d have had no problem with that.”
His eyes smolder as he leans across the console, dragging my lower lip between his teeth. “Now she tells me,” he growls.
“Fuck, Skeet.” I pull the tie out of his hair, letting it fall loose around his shoulders, before burying my hands in the thick strands. “I need you. I want you.”
He grips my head, plundering my mouth, and I drift off to some alternate realm. When I come back down to Earth, I giggle, high on love and happiness, and he shoots me an amorous grin. “Your place or mine?”
I mentally fist pump the air. “How about we grab Ethan’s stuff and then go back to your place?” We’ll have zero privacy at my place.
“I love how your mind works,” he murmurs, nuzzling my neck before starting up the engine.
Chapter Forty
The house is quiet and dark when we return, and there’s no sign of Ax or Heath. Skeet takes my hand, leading me up the stairs to his bedroom. He places Ethan’s iPad and iPhone down on his desk before hauling me into his arms. “You sure about this?”
“Hundo P.” I caress his cheek. “Make love to me, Skeet.”
We undress one another slowly and meticulously until we’re both in just our underwear. “Fuck, your body is a work of art,” Skeet murmurs, pushing me flat on my back as he hovers over me, his eyes hungrily roaming the length of my body. “One I’m going to feast on all night.” He winks before lowering his mouth to my ankle. He brushes his mouth against my heated skin, his lips trailing excruciatingly slowly up my leg. By the time he reaches the apex of my thighs, I’m a writhing, quivering mess on the bed.
Surviving Amber Springs: A Stand-Alone Contemporary Romance Page 29
