He slid past Cassie, his body brushing against her. A part of her wanted to reach out and take his hand and tell him she had changed her mind. She didn't want him sleeping on the couch. Not on their wedding night. But the moment had gone. It couldn't be brought back.
Cassie went into her bedroom and closed the door behind her.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
Cassie awoke next morning. She stretched and reached out an arm, feeling the emptiness of the bed. For the briefest moment it felt just like any other morning in recent months. The empty space beside her was familiar.
Then her mind kicked in, and she knew that Ethan's true place was by her side. And he wasn't there.
She got up and dressed quickly, feeling the tiredness that came from not sleeping deeply enough. She went to the kitchen expecting to see Ethan there, perhaps preparing breakfast, but he was nowhere to be found.
Cassie went outside and looked across the field. The morning was cool and bright. She squinted her eyes to see better. Then she saw him, way off in the distance. He was with the horse and plough, already hard at work. He had told her he believed in early starts and he had spoken the truth. Cassie didn't know what time it was but she could tell it was very early. Her new husband was obviously a real hard worker.
She thought about going over to talk to him but she thought better of it. She had to think about last night. She needed time to reflect and try to understand what had happened between them.
Cassie went back into the cabin and prepared some breakfast for herself. She took the plate and coffee out onto the porch and sat on the seat. She watched Ethan hard at work while she ate her food and drank the bitter tasting coffee.
She thought about her first wedding night with Ethan. How could it have gone so horribly wrong? The day had been almost perfect, if you could call marrying a handsome almost complete stranger, coming home, having a lovely first meal, getting close and cosy, and then failing to behave intimately with her new husband, perfect.
Cassie tried to understand what had gone wrong. Had it been her fault? She had really tried to do what was right.
Was it that she didn't trust Ethan? Admittedly she had only known him a short time but in a strange way he was one of those rare people who inspired trust and confidence even although she hardly knew him. It was odd and she couldn't explain it. Ethan had asked her to trust him and she thought she had. But when it had come to that most important and intimate moment, she had failed. She had failed. That was what concerned her the most about last night. She felt it was all her fault.
Ethan had been gentle and sensitive. And yet Cassie had rejected him.
Although she knew that Ethan had put a brave face on it, she could tell that it had hurt him. Her rejection of his advances had made him feel bad. She had seen that on his face.
Although she was only beginning to get to know him, Cassie already didn't want to do that to Ethan. He had said so many kind words to her, made so many generous and supportive gestures, that she really didn't want to hurt his feelings.
Why was she not ready for intimacy?
Was it that she wasn't over Joshua? Not really over his loss, despite what she thought. How long would this terrible grieving go on? She had already suffered through weeks of it. She didn't want it to go on any longer than it needed to. Wasn't there a natural process to losing someone? If there was it seemed to go on a very long time.
Cassie glanced over toward the hillside on top of which Joshua lay. He would always be there. Cassie asked herself why she was not over his loss. Was it too soon? Had she married too quickly? But she had had no choice. The pressures of real life had borne down upon her. Not only pressures on her own life, but the predicament of her sisters.
She wondered if she would ever get over the loss of Joshua. Would she ever be able to move on? She had thought that joining in matrimony with Ethan would have been a natural spur to move her life to a new place. Perhaps it would. Maybe she needed to give it more time.
One thing was for sure. She had to make her new marriage work. It was vital that it be made to work. If she wouldn't be over Joshua for Lord knew how long, at least in the meantime she would have to try to become the best possible wife to Ethan.
He seemed to be such a fine man. He deserved better.
Cassie finished eating and went back inside the cabin. She tidied up for a while. Looking around the home she realized it wasn't as tidy as it should be so she spent a little time cleaning and putting things in their right place. It felt good to be at home in the early morning, being around the house, with the man in her life out in the field hard at work. It all seemed so natural and right. Cassie found herself enjoying doing the housework in a way that she hadn't for quite some time.
In a short while the place was spick and span and she surveyed her work with a measure of satisfaction.
She decided that Ethan needed something to drink so she took a pitcher and filled it with water and headed out across the field.
The morning had become hotter and it must have been hard for Ethan to do all the work he had so obviously done. Cassie could see that he had managed to plough a fair bit of land already.
Ethan looked up from the plough and saw her. A huge smile broke out across his face. He stepped away from the plough and strode toward her.
"I'd give you a hug but I don't want to get you covered in sweat."
Cassie looked at his damp shirt. "I brought you some water. Looks like you need it."
He took the cup and filled it with water. Cassie watched him drink. His head leaned back as he finished the cup and some water ran down his neck and onto his sweat covered shirt.
Cassie watched him swallow. Ethan drank as if his life depended on it. Cassie felt something shift inside her as she stood there. She realized she was happy to be here with him, simply watching him drink.
Ethan handed the cup back to her.
"You certainly seem to have been busy," she admitted.
"I've done some work like this before," he said, admiring his own handiwork. He had worked some deep grooves over on this corner of their plot. They were long and even. The horse shook his head. He too was sweating .
"You're sure making him work better than I could. Sometimes that horse is just ornery and stubborn."
Ethan patted the horse affectionately. "He just needs a little gentle persuasion. Don't you boy."
"Ethan about last night... I hope I didn't hurt your feelings."
He waved her comment away with a hand. "Pay no heed Cassie. There's plenty of time for us to talk about that."
"It's just that I feel that I was, well... unfair to you."
"It's me that should be saying that Cassie. Things take time and maybe I was just a bit too insensitive."
Cassie felt the knot in her stomach again. Nothing she said would cause this man to blame her for anything. "I am the one who should apologise to you," she said. "It's just that maybe I'm not ready yet."
Ethan came to her and took her gently by the shoulders. "Here now. Don't you go upsetting yourself. You are more than ready for things. Don't say that. You are one strong lady, Cassie. Why, look at all the work you did here before I came along," he declared, gesturing to the large expanse of already ploughed and planted field. "I don't want you running yourself down. You hear?"
He said the words with such a soft, firm tone that she couldn't possibly refuse him. Ethan reached down and planted a kiss on her forehead. She felt the heat from his body as he leaned in close. The scent of him was strong and strangely alluring.
Ethan kept his lips on her skin and she felt his breath against her forehead. Cassie leaned in toward him. She didn't want to the moment to end. She thought of all the days she had spent out on this field on her own. The lonely days. And now she was here with this man who seemed to only want good things for her. Who was she to resist him?
The horse blew out through his nose and Ethan turned to him. "Want to get back to work boy?" The horse didn't look like he agreed.
"
I'm going to finish up here soon and I'll be over for lunch. I suppose you already know what you are going to cook up for me Cassie?" he asked.
She smiled. "I'm sure I can find something."
"Because I am for sure going to be hungry."
"I wouldn't doubt it for a minute, seeing how hard you are working. You take care not to overdo it," Cassie said
Ethan grasped the plough. "Me? Overdo it? Never!"
Around midday Ethan returned to the cabin. Cassie had arranged a surprise for him. All the things needed for a picnic were laid out on the table. Ethan face shone with sweat and his clothes were covered in dirt. He wiped the perspiration away from his forehead and looked questioningly at the basket on the kitchen table.
"What's this?" he asked.
Cassie tried to contain the excitement in her voice."I thought we could have a little picnic at one of my favourite places."
"Where would that be?" Ethan asked.
"Sweetheart Falls," Cassie said. "It is absolutely beautiful, especially on a day like today."
"Is Sweetheart Falls what I think it is?" he asked.
"It's only the most beautiful place in these parts," Cassie said enthusiastically. "And yes. It's a waterfall. I just love it there. I could spend all day there, if there wasn't work to do here. It's perfect for a picnic on such a lovely day as this," she said.
"That sounds good. Let me get ready. Won't do to go looking like this." He gestured towards his dirty pants.
Ethan got cleaned up and changed. Cassie felt excited at the prospect of taking him somewhere he had never been before. The thought of sharing something she valued so much made her feel a glow of anticipation.
Sweetheart Falls was a beautiful waterfall only a short distance away from the farm. It wasn't huge or awe inspiring like some of the amazing landmarks to be found in these parts. The waterfall was a popular place for local folk to visit and relax. Joshua and her had spent many happy, sunny days by the side of the falls.
Ethan came back into the room looking smart and freshened up. He looked at the basket Cassie had packed and placed on the kitchen table.
"What have you got in here?" he asked, heaving the basket off the table and straining to lift it.
"Food good enough for a hungry husband. I hope," Cassie joked.
"Never mind. Whatever it is, I know it will be tasty."
Cassie put her bonnet on, and fixed herself up in front of the mirror.
It was a short trek of less than half an hour from the cabin to the falls. Cassie and Ethan walked side by side. They chatted about Ethan's work that morning. He was confident he would be able to make good progress. As far as he was concerned they would be ready and planted in time for the season and sooner than Cassie had thought.
Cassie felt good walking by the side of her husband and talking about the concerns of their new life together. But again there was the memory of all the times she had made the same journey with Joshua. She tried to push those thoughts to the back of her mind.
There was a pathway of sorts that had been worn down by the many footsteps over the years. The path through the fields had memories attached to every twist and turn.
Ethan strode strongly across the hillsides and through the grass. As they drew closer to where the falls were Cassie could hear the familiar sound of the water as it flowed off the mountain and fell down to the pool beside which they would set up their picnic.
They rounded some trees, and Cassie heard the familiar sound of the roaring water.
"Well. Would you look at that," Ethan gasped, standing stock still by Cassie's side.
Cassie leaned into him as they both gazed at the beautiful sight of the waterfall. The rocky bluff was a few hundred feet high and the white line of water fell straight down a crevasse settling into a deep and wide pool. The roar of the water always had a hypnotic effect on Cassie, and this time was no different.
Cassie knew that there was a corner by the side of the pool where the grass was flat and they would be safe from the damp spray of the water.
"Here's the best place to sit," she told him taking his hand. Cassie began to lead Ethan toward the spot.
It was only after she had his hand in hers that she realized what she had done. Ethan seemed more than pleased with the gesture. He gave their entwined hands the briefest of glances with an appreciative smile. She smiled at him as she felt him squeeze her fingers gently.
They laid a blanket down on the grass and Cassie started to unpack the food from the basket.
Ethan swung his head around. "Looks like were all alone.".
"Townsfolk do come out here," she said. "But it does take a bit of time to get here. They have to park up their buckboards and walk. So they come mostly at the weekends."
"You sure are lucky living so close to such a beautiful spot as this."
"We're lucky...yes," Cassie answered, noting his choice of words.
"Of course I meant we are lucky." Ethan corrected himself. "Can I help you with the food?" he asked, reaching toward the basket.
Cassie shooed his hand away."No. Just let me do this. You just enjoy the view."
"Would that be the view of the waterfall, or the view of you preparing lunch for me?" he asked, lowering his head and giving her a look.
Cassie laughed. "Ethan! Your incorrigible."
"I take it that's a good thing?" he teased.
She shook her head and busied herself with setting out the food, aware that Ethan was watching her every move. She had prepared a simple meal. Once she was finished, the plates were full with the chicken and the vegetable and the dark bread. It was homely food. Nothing too sophisticated, but she was sure he would like it.
Once she had finished laying the food on the blanket Cassie stood and put her hands on her hips, inspecting the layout of the picnic. She was satisfied with her handiwork.
Ethan came over to her and took her hand. Cassie felt a spark of sensation at his touch.
"My that looks good. I can't wait. But first I think we should take a stroll."
"Did you say stroll?" Cassie asked, teasing him.
Ethan nodded."Yeah. Stroll. That's what I said. Let's enjoy some time by the waterside here. It's so beautiful. I don't think I've ever seen such a romantic place as this."
He stepped away and led her by the hand. Ethan strode as if he knew where he was going and Cassie found herself enjoying letting him do so. They walked slowly by the side of the water toward the tall, vertical stream of the cascading waterfall. It felt good to be here with him. Real good.
They stood by the side of the pool just far enough away from the plunging water to avoid the spray that billowed up. The air felt damp but fresh. Invigoratingly alive. Ethan looked up to the top of the bluff and slid an arm around Cassie's waist. Cassie drew in a breath and placed her own arm around him. She looked up and savoured the sensation of being with him and the vision of the plunging sheet of water. She briefly closed her eyes and let the sound of the roaring water sink into her. She felt herself become one with the sound and the sensation of being held by the man at her side.
Cassie opened her eyes and looked up at Ethan, suddenly aware of how tall he really was.
He was looking down at her. His eyes had a light and sparkle in them. That warmth in her centre appeared again as he looked at her and she gave him the gentlest of smiles in return.
Ethan dipped his head and kissed Cassie. She turned and let him enclose her in his embrace. There was a roaring in her ears which battled with the sound of the raging water by their side. The warmth of his body contrasted with the cool of the damp air around them. His lips were soft as usual, his kiss gentle and tentative.
Cassie leaned up and his lips were one with her own, the moment frozen, intense. Cassie got the impression that they were both holding something back. The events of the night before still cast a shadow, even over a moment as idyllic as this, here in a place as heavenly as could be.
Ethan ran a hand down the back of her dress and she felt him pull h
er even more tightly against him. Cassie let herself be drawn in, feeling the firmness of his torso, the strength of his muscles. She reached up and touched the back of his shoulders, sensing the width of them. The power of them.
Cassie felt a surge of emotion and her body stiffened slightly.
Their lips parted and Ethan gazed deep into her eyes.
"Are you okay Cassie?" he asked her, tender concern on his face.
Cassie drew away from him and composed herself. "I'm fine, Ethan. Really I am. My. I'd forgotten how this place could affect me," she said, fixing her hair.
Ethan reached over and ran a finger down the side of her face, tracing along the line of her jaw. "This place must have some real powerful memories for you."
Cassie drew away from him slowly. "Yes it does," she breathed.
Cassie had thought coming here would be easy; that somehow the memories of her time here with Joshua could be put to the back of her mind. But the truth was, the past couldn't be forgotten so easily, especially such a treasured past as the one she'd had with Joshua. Even with with such a kind and sensitive man as Ethan by her side, Cassie was going to find it hard to contain the emotions that all the familiar places would evoke in her. She had overestimated her powers of self control. This place was filled with associations that just wouldn't be kept buried away in the back of her mind.
"Would you like to talk about it?" Ethan asked.
Cassie hesitated. She really wanted to share her thoughts with him. But she had brought him here for them to share a pleasant time, a relaxing interlude on a day during which he had worked so hard. She also wanted to see if they could patch up some of their differences after last night. Those events still ran around in her mind. She still felt the sensations which had warred within her, and she couldn't get them out of her system. That kiss wasn't making things any easier.
"I'm not sure. Maybe after we've eaten. I'll see how I feel."
They made their way back to the where the picnic had been laid out.
They chatted and ate. Ethan made her laugh over and over with funny stories and Cassie soon felt massively more at ease.
Mail Order Vows (Sweet Mail Order Bride Historical Romance Novel) Page 10
