“Well,” she said with a shaky laugh that sounded dangerously close to crying. “That just happened.”
“That it did,” he agreed with a strained laugh of his own. He moved as if to step closer to her, then faltered, this new strangeness acting like a wall between them. For a moment they just stood there, together but apart, letting the silence say all the things they couldn’t seem to articulate.
“So,” she finally said, thinking back to the explosion that had occurred between them when he’d told her about his father’s robbery. “Are you still planning on taking a walk to clear your head?”
“What?” He frowned in confusion before he realized what she was talking about. Then he blushed and looked down at the ground, concentrating on the tip of his boot as if it were the most interesting thing in the world. “Oh, right. That. I guess that doesn’t seem so important now.”
Sara took a deep breath and studied his face as closely as she was able to without him noticing. Part of her wanted to comfort him, but another part was very sure she should keep her distance. Twice now he had lashed out at her when he was feeling defensive or upset about something that didn’t really have anything to do with her. She had already lived most of her adult life with a man who either couldn’t or wouldn’t treat her well, and she wasn’t keen on venturing down that road again. At the same time, it wasn’t like Austin had lashed out for no reason. He had been under an enormous amount of stress lately, some of which she couldn’t even begin to understand. Maybe all he needed was a little bit of compassion, which was something she knew she could give him.
“I’m sorry,” she said, barely speaking above a whisper as she moved cautiously closer to him. It seemed absurd that she could be shy now after they had already explored every inch of each other’s bodies, but that didn’t make it any less true.
“Sorry?” he asked with surprise. “What on earth do you have to be sorry for?”
“I don’t know,” she answered with a self-conscious shrug. “For what happened with your dad. I’m not sure if you believe this, but I really didn’t want to be right about him.”
“No,” he objected vehemently, closing what distance remained between them and taking her gently by the shoulders. “I’m the one who needs to apologize. I should never have taken my frustration out on you. My dad running off with everything puts me in a tight spot, but that’s not your fault.”
"It doesn't mean I don't want to help," she said quickly, so relieved by the melting tension between them that she felt weak in the knees. When he folded her up in his strong arms, she let out a little sob of relief, glad for his warmth, but also for the way his shirt muffled the involuntary sound of her emotions. "Because I do. You don't have to pay me anything for helping Lea; you know that, right? You're already doing so much just by letting me live here. Not to mention the way working with Lea has helped me remember what I loved about being a speech pathologist in the first place."
“No way,” he murmured, resting his chin on the top of her head. “You’re getting what you’ve earned. I’m going to find a way to finish the renovations, too. I’m not sure how, but I’ve always been good at landing on my feet.”
“Why does that not surprise me?” Sara asked with a breathless laugh, turning her face up to look into his eyes. He kissed the tip of her nose with a smile, then pulled back a little, his eyes filling with a new question she could see he was afraid to ask.
“Are you wondering if I’m going to go meet with Ted?” she asked gently.
“That’s right,” he nodded, swallowing hard. “Keeping in mind that I know I have no right to ask in the first place.”
“You do,” she said, shutting her eyes briefly and concentrating on the scent of him. “Whatever we are to each other, you certainly deserve an answer to that. I’m going, but only to hear him out, to give him closure.”
Austin looked at Sara for such a long moment that she started to worry they were about to get into another fight. Then he nodded, just once, and kissed her again. It was softer this time, and in it she could sense the same need she herself felt for him.
But that need itself scared her. She’d felt it for Ted once, and it had been strong enough to blind her to everything that was wrong with their relationship. Was she making the same mistake again? And now that Ted had reappeared, she had a new complication in her life. Things in her life were becoming more confusing by the second, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't seem to come up for air long enough to catch her breath.
Nineteen
“I know you, Sara,” Ted’s voice chimed tauntingly inside of Sara’s aching head. “I know the way you work. You want things to be nice and normal, just the way I do. You want things to go back to the way they were.”
“You’re wrong,” she hissed into the glass of wine she had been nursing for thirty minutes since Ted had exited the restaurant. “You may think you know me, maybe even did at one point, but you don’t know me anymore.”
She was sitting alone at the little restaurant’s bar now, having moved there as soon as her dinner with Ted had come to an abrupt end. She wasn’t exactly keeping track, but she was willing to hazard a guess that she had already earned herself at least half-a-dozen looks from the guy working behind the bar. They ranged from curious to sympathetic, and they all made Sara feel even worse than she already did. She felt like a fish trapped ina bowl, one that was getting smaller every minute.
She had been understandably hesitant to sit down across the table from Ted at all. There were probably some women who would find the idea of their ex tracking them down in a valiant attempt to win them back to be a romantic gesture. Sara wasn’t one of those women. There was something vaguely menacing about the whole thing, and although he had never physically abused her, it made her nervous to think that it was so easy for him to get to her, to find her and intrude himself on her life, whether she wanted him to or not. Walking into the restaurant, she had resolved to tell him so, but he had started in on his lavish flattery so quickly that she had never gotten the chance. He had fallen right back into the role of domination he had so comfortably occupied when they were married, and with a steadily deepening sick feeling, she had realized how easy it was to let him.
It wasn’t until their appetizers, dishes he had chosen without consulting her, arrived that she had been able to ask him why he was really in town. He had set his fork down slowly with a hurt look on his face that made her want to cry and laugh at the same time.
“I’m here because you’re here,” he answered earnestly. “And because I heard something recently that made me think you might not be as happy living your life of exploration as I’d thought.”
“Heard something?” she asked, the alarm bells immediately sounding in her head, bothering her even more than his insinuation that her move was some kind of adventure she needed to get out of her system. “What are you talking about, Ted? Heard what?”
“Just that you might be considering moving back to Casper,” he answered with a slow grin, taking a healthy sip of beer as he spoke. “A little birdie told me that you received a job offer from a very prestigious school.”
“A birdie?” she repeated incredulously, whatever appetite she had gone now. “What are you talking about, Ted? Because to be honest, it sounds a lot like you’re spying on me.”
"Nah, come on," he laughed heartily. It was the same dismissive sound he had used hundreds of times during their marriage, its sole purpose to make her feel stupid and small. It had worked depressingly well when they were still together, but now it only made her angry.
“It’s a real question, Ted,” she said icily, taking a small sip of wine to fortify her nerve.
"And I'm giving you a real answer," he replied without a moment's hesitation. "You know how Casper is. And it's not like we stopped knowing some of the same people when you decided to leave. I heard about the offer, and I thought I would take my chances. Maybe if you're ready to give Casper another chance, you're ready to do the same for
me."
“Ted, please,” she sighed, shaking her head. Before she could say anything else, though, he held out a hand to stop her, his brow creased and his eyes full of pleading that put her stomach in knots.
“I just...I miss you, babe. I miss what we had. I know I made some mistakes, but we were good together. Don’t you think this is a case of throwing the baby out with the bathwater?”
For a moment Sara was so stunned she couldn’t even speak. She didn’t have the words to explain to him all of the ways in which he was wrong. It wasn’t that they hadn’t had their good times, because they had. She thought it likely that even the most ill-matched couples could find happy memories if they really tried. It was just that so much more of their time together was bad than good. Whatever conception of their marriage Ted was missing, it wasn’t based in reality. It was a fabrication, something he had made up to justify his reclaiming something that no longer belonged to him.
“I need you to understand something,” she said finally, forcing herself to hold his gaze despite wanting desperately to look anywhere else. “And to know that I don’t mean it maliciously.”
“Okay,” he said at once, leaning forward in anticipation of her next words. “I’m all ears.”
“There were good things about our marriage,” she said deliberately, willing him to really hear her and to understand once and for all that she meant what she was saying. “And you’re not a bad man, or at least I don’t think you mean to be. But we were a terrible fit for each other. It’s true that I’m considering moving back to Casper, but that would be for the job and the job alone. There’s nothing between us anymore, Ted. There isn’t now, and there won’t ever be again. You need to accept that.”
The look on his face when he heard that was something Sara was sure she would remember for the rest of her life. And a second later, he delivered the line that was now ping-ponging around her head, making her mind feel like a hostile environment, something that didn't entirely belong to her. Even as she sipped her wine, she was pretty sure that all the alcohol in the world wouldn’t be able to dampen the effect of this latest run-in with Ted.
“Pitiful,” she mumbled to herself, swallowing hard against the tears making her throat close up. “I can’t believe I’m back here again.”
“Yikes,” a familiar voice piped up on Sara’s left, making her jump so violently that she almost fell off of the leather barstool. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, but it definitely doesn’t sound like a good thing.”
Sara looked toward the speaker, already smiling despite her exhaustion and ever-increasing confusion. There weren't many people she was in the mood to see right now, but Rachel definitely made the cut.
"Mind if I sit?" she asked now, taking the liberty of doing so before Sara could answer her. She held up one finger and the bartender grinned and nodded, apparently already familiar with her drink of choice. About thirty seconds later, Rachel was taking her first, satisfying sip of an old-fashioned, watching Sara intently all the while.
“I’m sorry,” Sara said with a small laugh and a shake of her head, although she couldn’t say exactly what she was sorry for. “I must look like a crazy person right now.”
“Well, that’s nothing to be sorry about,” Rachel laughed, slapping at Sara’s shoulder playfully. “The whole world would be apologizing all the time if it was.”
“You’re right,” Sara laughed. “I’m not sure why I said that.”
“Because something’s the matter, and you don’t quite know how to handle it?” Rachel asked, her eyebrows raised as she took another thoughtful sip from her glass.
Sara shrugged in response, but she already knew there was no point trying to hide anything from Rachel. Although Austin’s kid sister could sometimes come off as abrasive, she could also be disturbingly perceptive when it suited her. And Sara would be lying if she said she didn’t find the idea of unburdening herself a little appealing.
“It’s Ted,” she finally said, hardly able to speak above a whisper.
His name felt like stones in her mouth, and her heart pounded painfully as she spoke it. It was almost as if speaking of him and of their conversation to her friend would make it all real, and she wasn’t sure she was ready for that.
“Yuck,” Rachel groaned, making a face like she had just caught a whiff of something foul. “What about him?”
“He showed up outside of Austin’s house this afternoon,” Sara said, a part of her still feeling like she was speaking of a nightmare instead of the actual events of her day. “And he wanted to meet—to talk. We had dinner here, actually. He just left, about thirty minutes ago.”
“God,” Rachel said sympathetically. “How did that go?”
Sara took a deep breath, her hands fidgeting helplessly with her glass. It wasn’t exactly an easy question to answer, seeing as she wasn’t yet sure herself. She thought she had adequately made her point that things were well and truly over between them, but then again, she’d thought so after the divorce papers were finalized, too. If that hadn’t been enough to discourage him, was there anything that would? He’d always had the habit of seeing what he wanted to see and ignoring the rest. If she came back to Casper for the job, he’d probably see it as her coming back to him. But on the topic of the job…she wasn’t sure how she felt about that, either. It would be the highest paying position she had ever held, and it would come with boatloads of prestige, as well. It was hard to say no to, which might be why she was even more worried about telling Rachel about that than she was about explaining her conversation with Ted. The job was something she hadn’t spoken about with anyone since first hearing about it from her old coworker.
In the end, though, the need to get things off of her chest was greater than her fear of the consequences of doing so. She told Rachel everything, including the details of the job, speaking until she felt hollowed out. Rachel, being the wonderful friend she was, didn’t say a word until Sara was done talking.
“That’s a lot,” she finally said, exhaling loudly and blowing a strand of hair off her face. “I think my head would explode if I was trying to deal with all of that.”
“It’s got me feeling like a bit of a crazy person,” Sara answered with a shaky laugh. She ran a hand across her eyes and was surprised when her fingertips came away damp. At some point during her monologue, she had started to cry without even realizing it.
“Is my brother part of all of this?” Rachel asked softly, giving Sara’s shoulder a brief, reassuring squeeze.
“I would be lying if I said he wasn’t,” Sara sighed, going to take another sip of her wine before discovering her glass was empty. “I know it might be weird for you, but he and Lea have come to mean a lot to me since I’ve been living on the ranch. I can’t really imagine picking up and moving back to Casper. I can’t see just leaving the both of them behind.”
“Of course you can’t,” Rachel replied with a wry smile. “Because you can’t ever imagine doing anything you think might let somebody else down. The only problem with that is that it tends to be you that gets let down in the end.”
“What do you mean?” Sara asked with a frown of confusion.
“Look, I love my brother,” Rachel said, knocking back the rest of her drink and getting to her feet. “But when you were with Ted, you let him decide the course of your life. You made choices based on what he wanted, not your own dreams. I just want to make sure you don’t do that again with Austin. I don’t want you to get so wrapped up in what’s best for him that you lose yourself in the process.”
Sara wanted to tell her friend that would never happen, but when she tried to form the words, nothing came out. Because, although she had never realized it about herself before, everything Rachel was saying was absolutely true. Sara had lost herself in people before, and she had no desire to do it again.
Twenty
Days passed on the ranch, and after getting over the awkwardness of asking Sara about her dinner with Ted, things started to feel somet
hing like normal again. There was still the stress of Pete having made off with all his supplies, which lingered like a bad hangover that lasted for days. The dollar amount for everything he had stolen was in the thousands, and Austin didn’t have the money to replace any of it. Couple that with the fact that Pete would no longer be cosigning on a loan, and finances were looking dire. So, too, was there a newfound carefulness between Austin and Sara, neither one of them as sure of themselves or of their relationship now as they had been before their fight and Ted’s unexpected appearance.
Working out in the front yard to burn off some of his nervous energy, Austin couldn’t help thinking about the way Ted had shown up. He couldn’t stop thinking about what might have gone on at the dinner Sara had agreed to meet him for, the one she had taken a cab home from after having just a little bit too much wine. She had told him more than once that nothing had happened between them.
He believed her, too, or at least he thought he did. But a thick, sealed envelope had just been hand-delivered not two minutes earlier with Sara's name embossed on it. It was very official-looking, and it left him wondering whether she had actually told him everything. He didn't know a whole lot about divorce, but he was starting to worry about whether or not a divorce could be reversed.
“Stop it,” he muttered to himself, laying aside his shovel and putting his hands on the small of his back. “You’re going to drive yourself crazy with these thoughts.”
He stretched, wincing when several of his vertebrae popped grudgingly back into place. He’d thought he was working hard before Pete’s latest con, but that had been nothing compared to the burden he was shouldering now. He was working so hard it was almost making him ill, and still, it never seemed to be quite enough. It was all busywork, tasks he was creating for himself, just to have something to do. The only good thing he had to say on that front was the news he'd received about the approval for some of the building permits he had applied for. With everything so up in the air, it felt like just about the only solid, good thing he had. He was working himself to the bone on the one hand, and driving himself crazy, trying to figure out what was going on in Sara's head on the other. There was only so much pushing and pulling a man could take before he broke, and he was starting to feel like he might be reaching his limit.
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