by Abby Green
Edie’s breath had deserted her altogether as she’d waited for that first exquisite touch of Sebastio’s mouth on hers. And when it came she nearly slid down the shelves at her back. Instant heat flooded her whole body and she reached out to clutch at his clothes in a bid to stay standing.
The kiss burnt any lingering doubts from Edie’s mind. How on earth had she thought this was a choice? This was a need. And she knew she’d never need like this again. It was bittersweet to be already lamenting the absence of Sebastio’s touch even as he was kissing her.
Her hands clutched at him tighter as a kind of desperation wound through her. And finally he brought his hands down and cupped her face, angling her head so his kiss could go even deeper.
Edie was vaguely aware of the shelves of books at her back. Her brain was fusing with white heat. Sebastio’s mouth left hers and she sucked in a deep, shuddering breath. He trailed kisses across her jaw and down her neck and her head fell back, too heavy to hold up.
Sebastio smoothed a hand across her hip and her behind, cupping her bottom through the thin, slippery material of her dress. The pulse jumped between her legs, making her aware of the damp heat signalling her intense desire.
Edie’s hands climbed Sebastio’s chest, exploring the strong contours and the breadth of his shoulders. He was so big, but she didn’t feel overwhelmed or scared. She wanted more.
‘Sebastio...please...’ She didn’t even realise she’d spoken out loud until he drew back, eyes glittering fiercely.
‘What...?’
Edie didn’t know how to articulate what she wanted, so she just reached up and pressed her mouth to his again. He seemed to hesitate a moment, and then he gathered her to him so that her whole body was pressed against his. Her breasts were crushed against his chest. His erection was digging into her belly. He felt impossibly big, and hard, and acting on blind instinct, Edie cupped him through his trousers.
He hissed a breath through his teeth, and then said roughly, ‘You—I want to see you.’
Her hand fell away as Sebastio tugged on the knot at her waist, causing her dress to fall open. She barely felt the tiny draught skate over her hot skin. Sebastio pushed the dress apart and put his hands on her bare waist, spanning it easily.
‘Beautiful... Edie. You’re beautiful.’
She couldn’t even duck her head to hide away from the compliment. She felt drunk. Sebastio brought up a hand and expertly flicked open her bra at the front. Then he smoothed it back and placed his whole hand on one breast.
Edie nearly cried out. Her nipple was so tight it hurt, and it scraped against his palm with a delicious friction. He bent his head and flicked a tongue across the tip, and Edie pressed her thighs together to try and stem the spasm of desire as Sebastio’s mouth closed over her nipple and he sucked roughly.
Her hands were in his hair, and she had to be hurting him, but she was only aware of the exquisite drugging, dragging pleasure of his mouth on her breasts. First one and then the other.
Things seemed to escalate within seconds. Edie was panting, her hand seeking Sebastio’s body again, fingers fumbling with his trousers. She wanted to take him in her hand, feel that potent hardness.
He said something guttural in Spanish—something she couldn’t understand. And then her hands were being gently pushed aside as he undid his belt and trousers. Edie looked at Sebastio through a haze of lust. His hair was flopping over his forehead and his face was flushed. He took her breath away.
Then she looked down and saw him take himself in his hand. Her mouth dried. He was big. And thick and hard. She saw moisture glistening at the head.
Edie felt a moment of trepidation as Sebastio’s hands came to her panties and he pulled them down over her hips. They fell on the floor at her feet. She was bared to him completely now, her dress wide open, but she couldn’t seem to drum up any self-consciousness, even though he was the first man to see her all but totally naked. She only felt a fierce desire to fuse with him.
He looked at her for a long moment and then pressed close. She felt him against her bare skin. With his other hand he reached between her legs and Edie’s whole body went taut as he dragged a finger along the seam of her body, opening her up before sinking inside her.
She thought she might have screamed. She bent her head into Sebastio’s shoulder as his finger moved in and out, releasing her desire and making the tension deep inside her coil so tightly that she wasn’t sure where it could go—until it exploded and she tensed against his hand, her whole being pulsating on waves of pleasure so intense that she almost lost consciousness for a moment.
After a couple of seconds Sebastio lifted one of Edie’s legs and held it, aligning their bodies until the tip of his penis was touching her core. Little after-shocks of pleasure were still coursing through her system but she felt herself moving to accomodate his body, anticipating the moment when he would surge between her legs, stretching her wide. Filling her. She ached for it. As if she’d been waiting for this all her life.
But for a second he stopped. And in that moment, a sliver of sanity returned to Edie’s overheated brain. She was about to be made love to for the first time, standing up against a bookshelf. And suddenly the prospect of Sebastio’s reaction when he realised she was a virgin made her go cold.
She could feel his muscles bunching as he prepared to join their bodies and she put a hand on his chest. It was trembling. She realised very belatedly that he was still almost fully dressed.
‘Wait...’ Her voice sounded scratchy.
Immediately he stopped and looked at her. ‘Okay?’
Edie shook her head.
Sebastio put down her leg and pulled back. ‘What is it?’
Edie reached for one side of her dress and pulled it over herself. Now she felt self-conscious. ‘There’s something I should tell you...before we go further.’
‘Edie...?’
She forced herself to look at him. ‘I haven’t...done this before.’
He looked confused, and then she could see realisation dawning. ‘You mean you’ve never—’
‘Had sex. Yes.’ She rushed to finish for him before he could say it out loud.
The air between them seemed to cool almost immediately. Sebastio drew back and did up his trousers. Edie pulled her dress together, feeling completely undone.
‘Why didn’t you tell me before?’
Sebastio’s voice skated like an arctic wind over her skin. She secured the fastening on her dress after a few fumbled attempts. Her bra was still open and her bare nipples were sensitive against the thin silk. She saw her panties on the floor and bent down to pick them up.
Her whole body was screaming for fulfilment. But she was glad she’d stopped Sebastio because if his reaction now was anything to go by it would have been ten times worse if she’d said nothing.
‘I didn’t expect this to happen...here. Like this.’
Edie’s words scored into Sebastio’s skin like barbs. He reeled at this information. Edie was a virgin. Innocent. Still innocent. And he’d been about to take her like some out-of-control teenager with his first woman. He’d never lost it with a woman like that. Ever.
Caustic words spilled out before he could stop them, self-recrimination bubbling over. ‘So you wouldn’t have stopped me if we’d been in a bedroom? Is that what you’re saying?’ He cursed in Spanish. And then, ‘Dammit, Edie... I could have hurt you.’
Actually he knew he would have hurt her. He had been close to losing his reason at the mere touch of her hot, damp sex against his erection.
In the dim light of the room, with her hair dishevelled and her dress crumpled around her, she looked sinfully sexy but also impossibly fragile. He had a flashback to that nightclub in Edinburgh. It was all so clear now. She’d been infinitely more fragile then, but she was the same person. Still innocent.
The fact that he’d met
her before...and she’d known all this time while he hadn’t...made Sebastio feel doubly exposed now.
Maybe it was also because she was linking him back to a time in his life that he didn’t want to think about. The time after the crash, when he’d blocked everything out. Cut himself off from the rugby world and his friends.
Edie was looking at him and her expression was all at once vulnerable and defiant. He might not have known her consciously when they’d met again, but deep down he’d known her.
He denied what his body was screaming for—fulfilment. His wounds were too raw and close to the surface. He shook his head. ‘I don’t do this, Edie. I don’t initiate innocents.’
He saw how she flinched slightly but he welcomed it. She had to know the type of man he was. If he had a tiny modicum of humanity left—one small piece of his soul that wasn’t toxic and guilt-ridden—then this was it. He refused to be the one to take Edie’s innocence. He didn’t deserve it.
CHAPTER FIVE
I DON’T INITIATE INNOCENTS.
Edie just wanted to leave. With as much dignity as she could muster. Whatever had happened before with this man paled into insignificance next to this new and fresh humiliation.
She managed to say as coolly as she could, ‘I think I’ll go to my room now.’
She prayed her legs wouldn’t wobble as she stepped around Sebastio to walk out of the room. The fact that he was barely dishevelled was even more galling. She’d practically been naked while he’d maintained control at all times. Did the man ever lose it?
Edie had a sudden and very uncharacteristic urge to see Sebastio lose control some time. Anything to make her feel less ragged.
She was almost at the door when he said from behind her, ‘Edie...’
Reluctantly she turned around. He’d never looked more tall or forbidding against the timeless backdrop of the room.
He said, ‘I don’t mean to be harsh, but I won’t be the one to take your innocence from you. I won’t have that on my conscience too.’
Edie heard his words. Barely. She was too eager to leave. But what she understood in that moment was that he was effectively saying, It’s not you, it’s me. Which made it even worse.
‘You don’t have to explain, Sebastio.’
When she got back to her room she let the dress fall to the floor and stripped off her bra and panties. After a steaming hot shower she crawled into bed and willed sleep to come and obliterate everything. Especially how she could have done this to herself again. With the same man.
* * *
When Edie was up and dressed the next morning she packed her small suitcase for the weekend with every intention of going back to her flat.
When she got to the main hall, though, she heard a familiar voice say, ‘Where are you going?’
Hoping that nothing of the previous evening’s humiliation would show on her face, Edie turned around—and nearly fell over. Sebastio was standing at the bottom of the stairs in faded jeans and a long-sleeved woollen jumper. His hair was dark and messy. Jaw stubbled. He looked thoroughly disreputable and more gorgeous than ever.
Edie’s insides twisted. She was doing the right thing. Going home. There was only one more event and then she would be free to get on with her life and forget about Sebastio Rivas for ever.
‘I’m going home for the weekend.’
He shook his head as he came towards her. ‘No, you’re not.’
Indignation and panic raced up Edie’s spine. ‘You can’t force me to stay here.’
He looked grim as he walked past her to the main door. ‘It’s not me stopping you from leaving—it’s the weather.’
He opened the wide front door and Edie felt an icy blast of air as she looked out in shock to see that overnight the world had turned completely white. She approached the door after putting her suitcase down. There were drifts of snow almost as high as the steps leading up to the house. The weather warning he’d told her about.
‘Even if you could get out of the estate, there’s no public transport running.’
‘So what does this mean?’ she asked redundantly.
‘It means that we’re snowed in for the forseeable future.’
* * *
By that evening Sebastio’s whole body was on edge with a mixture of sexual frustration and something that felt bizarrely like...concern. He hadn’t seen Edie all day. She’d done a good job of avoiding him. And could he blame her?
Since she’d told him about their meeting in the nightclub he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. That night had always been so clear in his mind.
It had been a week before the tragic car crash. Victor hadn’t come out to the nightclub with them after the match, preferring to stay in the hotel to video call Maya. Sebastio could remember an awful feeling of envy mixed with resentment that his friend’s life had changed so much.
Since Victor had fallen in love and married, Sebastio had felt increasingly dissatisfied. As if just the existence of Victor and Maya’s relationship had thrown all that was lacking in his own life into sharp relief. Which was crazy, because he’d never been under any illusion about wanting to settle down and have babies. And yet, if the complex feelings his friends’ relationship had evoked within him were any indication, apparently his true desires lay in another direction entirely. One which could not exist for someone as cynical and jaded as Sebastio.
He remembered how on edge he’d felt that night in the club. When Edie had approached him, with her big eyes and her naked expression of hope, it had jarred too painfully. Reminding him of the fact that he envied his friend while at the same time rejecting every possibility that he could want the same thing. Because if he admitted that then he’d be admitting he was weak. Not strong.
He’d taken a woman into his bed that night in a bid to try and restore some sense of equilibrium, but he hadn’t been able to get Edie’s huge dark blue eyes out of his head. She’d haunted him.
Sebastio saw his reflection in the window of his study now, highlighted against the blackness outside. Not for the first time he wished that his face was criss-crossed with scars. Wished for some kind of physical proof that he had destroyed lives. If he was physically scarred then it would be like a warning to people—to Edie—to stay away. A physical reminder that his cynicism had destroyed something very pure and that he could not be trusted not to cause hurt.
He couldn’t even feel much satisfaction that he’d done the noble thing by telling her he wouldn’t take her innocence. He couldn’t feel noble when his body still burned, and when he knew he’d done it as much to protect himself as to protect her. She came too close to that place inside him that was still raw with regret, guilt and grief.
* * *
Edie was sweating, and her lungs felt as if they were about to explode, but she launched another high kick at the punching bag and welcomed the burn. Anything to try and eclipse that other burn inside her. The one she felt for Sebastio. The one she feared she’d never un-feel again.
As the day had worn on, Edie’s sense of humiliation had faded to be replaced with anger. At herself. And at Sebastio. How dared he decide on her behalf not to seduce her? As if he was doing her a favour?
His words had reverberated in her head all day.
‘I won’t be the one to take your innocence from you. I won’t have that on my conscience too.’
What had he meant by that? It sounded as if he was referring to a sense of guilt. Guilt about the accident? She remembered the video clip—Sebastio saying that he was responsible for the accident...
Edie had lost any sense of propriety over her own body during her illness, when she’d been poked and prodded and filled with toxic but ultimately life-saving chemicals. She’d vowed never to let herself feel so out of control of it again.
She stopped kicking the punching bag for a moment, sweat dripping into her eyes as sh
e absorbed that thought. She knew what was good for her body. And Sebastio was good for her body. She’d never felt so alive as she had last night in his arms. With his mouth on hers. On her breasts. His hand between her legs.
She ached for the fulfilment she instinctively knew only he could give her.
She didn’t regret telling him she was a virgin, but she regretted him stopping. He hadn’t stopped because he’d been turned off by her innocence. He’d stopped because of some kind of moral reasoning. Which incensed Edie now. It was as if he’d decided she wasn’t robust enough to handle him.
She wiped her face with a damp towel, her heart thudding with adrenaline as much as exertion. She wanted Sebastio Rivas. But was she willing to put herself on the line one more time?
When she’d been ill she’d believed she was going to die. It had only been when she’d started responding to treatment that she’d believed in another possibility.
Since she’d received the all-clear she’d been determined to make the most of her life. And yet she knew that some things still held her back. Little things—like the fear of letting her hair grow long again in case the illness returned. And a fear of intimacy because she’d missed out on that period of her life where she would have explored it naturally.
And then she’d met Sebastio Rivas four years ago and no man had come close to him since.
And now, amazingly, she’d met him again and he wanted her. This was an opportunity to move on with her life. To seize back control. Karma. The scenario she’d imagined the other evening—seducing Sebastio—suddenly didn’t seem so ridiculous.
With a sense of growing determination Edie went upstairs from the basement. It was dark outside. The snow had stopped falling. There wasn’t a sound. There was something otherworldly about knowing that they were completely cocooned, as if normal service had been interrupted. As if she could do anything.
Edie knew there was no way she’d have the nerve to do what she was about to do under normal circumstances.
