by Shey Stahl
Which would explain my current situation. In a storm cellar, against a cabinet with what he tells me are canned green beans, but look like alien fingers in a jar. Despite the situation and the cellar, I find myself compelled by him. I want every secret, every desire for myself. Sitting on a wooden bench, praying I don’t get splinters, I trace my thoughts down his spine, wishing we weren’t in the storm cellar.
“I’m freezing,” I admit when I shiver. “And this isn’t very sexy.”
He starts kissing my neck, eagerly working my jeans off, and his hands move under my sweater. “Neither is your kids pounding on the door, wanting to know why you’re taking so long in the shower.”
I laugh, arching my back and scooting to the edge of the bench. “Happen often?”
“You have no idea.” He groans, working his jeans past his hips, kissing his way up my neck and only breaking away to ask, “Why are we talking about this now?”
“I don’t know. Are you sure those are green beans?”
His fingers tangle in my hair as he grips the back of my head to hold my mouth to his. Just before he enters me, he smirks, kissing me softly. “Stop thinking about green beans.”
And I do, but that’s the problem with this guy. Since that first glance, I haven’t been thinking about my situation, or his. Just that he’s hard to resist. I know what I’m doing to myself—playing with fire—and I know it’s not going to end pretty, but I want this too much.
The thing is, it’s easy to confuse emotions with reality. Especially when you’re dealing with guys like Barron Grady.
“Where’s the wine?” Lillian asks the second we come upstairs.
“Here.” Barron hands her the bottle. “Don’t say I never gave you anything.”
“Does that mean I’m not getting a Christmas bonus this year?” she asks, grinning as she eagerly works the corkscrew into the bottle.
“I haven’t decided yet,” he teases, moving through the kitchen to the stove where Morgan’s stirring the noodles.
I sit next to Lillian.
“You want some?” she offers, tipping the bottle toward me.
“No. I’m more of a whiskey fan.”
Before I have a chance to retrieve some, Barron hands me a glass and the bottle, winking. “Dinner’s done.”
Lillian leans in, sipping her wine. “Did you fuck him in the cellar?”
I don’t answer her, but I slowly slide my eyes to hers, winking.
Our glasses clank against one another. Barron and Morgan serve us dinner, and it’s hard to believe these boys didn’t have a mom around growing up because they sure know how to treat a lady.
I can’t help but smile when I look around Barron’s house, filled with laughter, firelight, and people who genuinely care about one another. I never had that growing up. I had organized dinner parties and arranged playdates with my mom’s superficial friends’ kids, who ultimately hated the weird little girl who wrote in her journals and didn’t want to play with them.
Halfway through dinner, Sev throws herself onto the floor in the living room in front of the fireplace, crying and pulling on her ears. “No!” she screams at Barron again, kicking her legs when he tries to get her to eat a slice of garlic bread. She hasn’t eaten anything all day.
I had ear infections growing up—one a month until I had tubes put in my ears. I can bet you money that’s what’s going on with Sev.
Barron sighs, setting his beer down and picking her up off the ground. She curls into his arms, and he presses his lips to her forehead. Frowning, he feels her head with his hands and then holds her close, rocking her back and forth. You can see the nervousness in his eyes, the worry.
Setting my glass down, I make my way over to him. “Is she okay?”
He nods. “Probably another ear infection. She gets them a lot.”
“I did too,” I tell him. “Do you have a warm rag? That helped me.”
Sev reaches for me, still crying as Barron goes to get a rag. “You hads these?” Sev asks, between crying and screaming.
“I did.” I hold her close, my heart breaking for her. “And my nanny used to always give me a warm rag and hold it to my ear.”
She swallows, her head shaking with her hiccupped crying, and then she screams harder. I cradle her close, my throat burning with my own tears. It’s in this moment, I know I need to tell Barron soon. I can’t keep living a lie, but I also don’t want to leave this little girl in my arms.
Barron returns with a warm rag in hand. He sits next to me on the couch where I’m holding Sev and rubs her back. “You want Daddy?” he asks, his words soft as he presses the rag to her ear.
She reaches for him, and he leans back on the couch, allowing her to lie on his chest. He holds the rag to her ear, rubbing her back with his other hand. “Daddy’s got you,” he whispers to her.
I nearly cry. Never mind the fact that this is by far the hottest image I’ve ever seen, but this guy, he’s their entire world, and they’re his.
It’s later, after I put Camdyn to bed, that I sneak into Barron’s room where he’s lying with Sev on the bed. Carefully, I slip in next to him. So far, it hasn’t been a big deal that I’m sleeping in the bed with him. The girls don’t seem to mind that I’m sleeping in here, nor have they asked about it.
Barron’s still rubbing Sev’s back, soothing her in that gentle way I find so damn endearing about him.
He smiles at me. “I don’t know what’s more upsetting. Her being sick, or that I’m not getting any tonight.”
I laugh lightly and bring his blankets up to cover my mouth. I peek at him with just my eyes uncovered. “You’re awfully greedy. We just had sex a few hours ago.”
“That was four hours ago, but who’s counting?”
“You are,” I tease.
He sighs, staring at me. “I can’t help it. You’re addicting.”
His words settle over me, and yeah, I thought it was nice to be desired, but being addicted to, I like the sound of that. My only experience with friends has been because of who my mother is, or my dad. They all wanted something from me.
“I’m beginning to think all you want from me is sex.”
“How else are you going to pay for all that work I did on your car?”
I snap my eyes to him. “Seriously?”
He laughs. “Relax. I’m kidding.”
I don’t say anything, and he shifts Sev off his chest and to the center of the bed. We stare at one another, and I think he can tell his remark bothered me.
He lifts my chin, tenderness in his dark eyes. “You know it’s not just sex for me, right?”
“I think… but I don’t know. I don’t even know you. And you certainly don’t have time for much else in your life. I also can’t blame you for that. I kinda, well, literally crashed into your life.”
“Technically, you crashed into my building.” His eyes dip and he laughs lightly. Sev shifts, curling into him but doesn’t wake up. It’s then we’re locked in another stare, and he smiles. “You entering my life might have been an accident, but I made the choice to ask you to stay.”
“Look at you turning it around,” I tease, rubbing Sev’s back lightly.
“What do you mean?”
“Now I’m bummed we’re not having sex when you start talking like that.”
He winks. “All part of my plan to make you fall for me.”
I roll on my back. “Too late,” I whisper, staring at the ceiling. I’m too afraid to look at him when I say it, but by the way our hands meet in the middle of the mattress, where his daughter is lying, I know he heard me.
I can’t get your smile out of my head
There’s you, and there’s me.
And I’m lost in the way my body feels laid bare on your bed.
-falling
Can I keep everyone?
KACY
It takes two days before Sev is feeling better from her ear infection. By Saturday, while Barron is working with Morgan on the ranch, she’s feeling good
enough to venture outside. With the help of Lillian, we take the girls into downtown Amarillo to pick out a gift for Barron for Christmas.
While the girls watch a movie in the back of Lillian’s truck, she whispers, “Does he know yet?”
I groan, my face in my hands. “No. And the more we… you know…” I motion between my legs just in case she doesn’t get it. “The harder it gets.”
“Because you’re falling for him,” Lillian adds, looking over at me.
I stare at the white roads lined with snow. I totally am. Three weeks ago, sunshine, lies, and palm trees were my only views. Now there’s open roads and words I can’t say. I rationalize to myself that I’m not lying to him. Withholding information isn’t the same as lying, right? “I’m so afraid if I tell him my connection with Tara, he’ll end whatever this is we have, and that’s the opposite of what I want to happen.”
Lillian sighs, moving around a snowplow parked on the side of the road. “I’ve known Barron my entire life. You have nothing to be worried about. Just tell him the truth, and I’m sure he’ll understand.”
“What’s he like? I mean, I see a side of him… good with the girls, caring, hardworking, but is that what he’s really like?”
She smiles, unrestricted. “That’s exactly him. Both the Grady boys. Bishop raised them right. They work hard for what they want and love even harder. And those girls are his entire world. He’d do anything for them.”
I look back at the girls, both covered in blankets, eyes glued to the DVD screens on the headrests and their headphones pushing their adorable chubby cheeks together. “What was Tara thinking?”
“She wasn’t. Clearly.” Lillian snorts. “She was my best friend growing up. When she got together with Barron, I warned him to steer clear of her, but he didn’t listen. That’s the thing about him. Barron doesn’t always listen to logic.”
Would he see mine? Sighing, I stare out at passing farmlands. “What’s going on with you and Morgan?”
“I don’t know.” She sighs. “I don’t understand any of it.”
“They’re getting a divorce, aren’t they?”
“Yeah. Apparently she’s pregnant.”
My eyes widen. “What? Seriously?”
“I guess so. He doesn’t want to talk about it.”
“Is he going to be a part of the baby’s life?” And then I remember what Barron said. Morgan and the bull. “Wait… Barron said he couldn’t have kids….”
Lillian looks over at me, a “yeah, fuck that bitch” expression on her face. “She was seeing some guy from Tulsa. Morgan’s devastated by it, and now I don’t know where that leaves us but in the middle of a nasty divorce.”
“I thought they’d settled on her only wanting half of the savings.”
“They did, until he found out she was pregnant.”
“Man, the Grady boys really get fucked over by women.” And then I realize what I said and my current predicament and hers. I shake my head when we both burst out laughing.
She places her hand on my shoulder. “I don’t know how you ended up here by chance, but you might just be the best thing that’s happened to me.” Her eyes drift to the rearview mirror. “And them.”
Breathing in deeply, I nod. “I’m going to tell him. Tonight.”
“Did you have fun shopping today?” I ask the girls, getting them ready for bed. They ended up getting him a T-shirt that says: I HAVE TWO DAUGHTERS. YOU DON’T SCARE ME.
Barron had to go help Morgan bring in cattle tonight that got out into the wrong field thanks to a ranch hand leaving a gate open. I was certainly happy to do this part. I’ve worked my way into a weird, domesticated life where I’m helping out with the girls and telling myself it’s payment for him fixing my car. Which is done and sitting in his shop like a forgotten toy. I don’t ask about it. He doesn’t either.
“I like you,” Camdyn tells me, brushing my hair as Sev asks to have my fingernails. My fucking fingernails. She wants them for a spell she’s working on but won’t tell me what it is.
This little girl and her magic, I love it.
I got online the other day and ordered a vintage spellbook that I had them engrave her name on for Christmas. I don’t know if I’ll still be here next week, but I want her to have it. Maybe because even if I leave tomorrow, I want these girls to remember me in some way.
For Camdyn, Lillian helped me pick out some custom Ariat boots for her that have her favorite colors, brown and teal on them.
“I like you too.”
“Can you stay with us?” She takes the brush from my hand and then curls up beside me. “My daddy likes you.”
I press a kiss to her wet hair. “I’ll let you in on a little secret. I like him too.”
Fuck, it’s more than liking him. Look at the way my damn heart skips a beat at the sight of him. I love this guy, and I just met him.
Sev sighs and flops down beside me. “Tell me a story.”
I move from the bed to the floor where their shag rug is. Both girls curl up to me with their blankets, the soft dim lighting of their twinkle lights on their ceiling giving them the appearance of stars in their eyes. “Once upon a time, there was a princess. She lived in a big castle and found a prince and—”
“Oh, that’s terrible,” Sev says, shaking her head. “I not marrying no stinkin’ boy.”
Camdyn laughs. “If you want babies, you gots to marry a boy.”
Sev doesn’t even entertain the idea and frowns. “No way.”
I hold both of them closer, content with never leaving this room. “Okay, once upon a time, there was a lady with snakes in her hair.”
Sev’s eyes light up. “Love it. Keep going.”
I hate that I want to be a part of his life and theirs so badly I’m forgetting that my time here could be limited beyond him fixing my car.
In Barron’s room, he’s sitting on the bed, his eyes narrowed on me. “Are they asleep?”
“I think, but you know them,” I tease, closing the bedroom door behind me and locking it.
He waits several seconds, enough that I sit on the bed beside him. His eyes roam over my face as he lifts his hand to touch my cheek, his thumb brushing under my eye. “Stay for Christmas.”
“What?”
“The girls love you,” he says, his eyes searching mine. “Stay for Christmas.”
“Barron… I shouldn’t,” I say instead. “I’ve been meaning….”
He presses his fingers to my lips. “I want you to stay.”
I squeeze my eyes shut, the confusion unbearable. I shake my head and know that if I don’t tell him soon, it’s going to ruin any chance of forgiveness. He’s kissing his way up my throat, making it harder and harder to give him the truth.
I turn my face to his as he’s worked his way up my throat to my lips. “Do you believe in fate?”
He pauses and looks me in the eyes. “Maybe.”
“Maybe? What kind of answer is that?”
“It’s the one I give when I’m trying to fuck you.” He grunts, lying me flat on his mattress and covering my body with his.
Okay, I’ll tell him after this.
I know, I’m a dumbass. You don’t have to tell me. At least I’m a knowing dumbass and taking responsibility. Working my shirt off, he unbuttons my jeans, prying them off. Before I know it, he’s inside me, and I forget about what I want to say.
I wrap my arms around him, my legs following suit. “Don’t stop.”
He lifts up with the support of his arms, his hips driving inside me at the right angle. “I didn’t plan to.”
I moan his name, God’s, and pretty much anything that comes to mind as he fucks me. Shuddering beneath him, I’m not sure which one of us is breathing heavier. Him or me.
He pushes into me once more, his weight heavier as he kisses me. “Kacy,” he says, grunting my name as his body shakes. “So fucking good with you.”
“I know.” Because I do. It’s the reason I can’t tell him. Everything is so natural betwee
n us, as if this is meant to be.
Rolling to the side, he keeps me close, but there’s a distance between us I’ve created. He lifts his head and looks over at me. “Need a shower?”
I laugh. “Are you saying I stink?”
“No. I’m saying I need a shower and I don’t want to shower alone.” He rolls off the bed, and I watch his lean, naked body as he moves toward his bathroom. He waits at the door, smiling back at me. “Join me?”
I’m going to tell him.
In the morning. Shower first.
Come on. You knew it was coming down to this at some point.
BARRON
“Can we make Christmas cookies?” Camdyn asks, looking from me to Kacy as she kicks at the snow.
Clumps of it hit my boots as I gaze down at her. “Sure.”
“Kacy.” Camdyn reaches for her hands, swinging them around. “You want to help us?”
“I’d love to,” Kacy gushes, smiling as if she’s never been asked to make anything with a child. Which isn’t true. Yesterday, Sev and she made a witch's hat out of newspaper and then spray-painted it black. Sev hasn’t taken it off since.
I lean my shoulder into Kacy’s as we walk, the frozen snow crunching beneath our feet. It catches her attention, and she looks over at me, a gentle smile on her lips. “They love having you here for Christmas,” I tell her.
“I love being here. I’ve never had a real family Christmas. I can’t wait to do all the things. Cookies, wrapping presents, singing Christmas carols. I’m literally so excited.”
“You’ve never had a Christmas with your family?” I ask, my breath coming out with a cloud into the frigid air.
The wind blows Kacy’s hair into her face, and she fights with turning her head away from it to keep it out of her eyes. “No. Not really. Not like what I imagine it to be. Snowy morning with hot chocolate and kids opening presents. Big Christmas dinner with laughter, egg nog, and both parents there, not fighting. No dad showing up shit-faced with a chick he met the night before and calling her a friend and knowing damn well he boned her. No mom telling you to be grateful you have such nice things when she gives you a car for Christmas when all you wanted was her to love you.” She blinks, tears forming. “You would think having parents who could afford anything you wanted would be perfect growing up, but I was only ever filled with disappointment because they never saw what I really wanted. Them. To notice me.”
