I’m going to be one of those rare, cool husbands. I'm going to help my wife with dishes and laundry and cooking in addition to “male” stuff like yard work and whatever I do as a career so that we’re a team raising our kids together.
If my wife or one of our kids gets sick at 3 AM then I'll get out of bed to clean up the vomit so my wife can get some sleep and I won't complain. When a diaper needs to be changed, I'll change it without having to be asked because I see it, not just as my duty to do so, but as an opportunity to give my wife a break from it since she will most likely change more diapers than me since she'll probably be with our children more often than I will. But even though my work may keep me away from our kids, I'm not going to be one of those dads that works over forty hours a week keeping me away from my wife and children all the time.
Maybe we can finally meet sometime and we can talk about the financial things I’m learning. You could also tell me what you think about the fact that I’m a guy that wants to earn at least $500,000 a year in hopes that the woman I marry someday will be my equal partner in raising our kids since hopefully she’ll want to raise our kids full-time from home instead of working at both a full-time job away from home and trying to raise kids (which is so much harder than having a great husband that provides enough money for his family’s needs).
And if you don’t talk with me about it then you could talk to whomever you someday date and marry about it because it’s foolish to wait until after you marry someone to talk about these things when you should only marry someone that agrees on important issues like you do before committing to that person. (Not that I’m looking to get married anytime soon or at such a young age. But our teen years are in many ways like a dress rehearsal for our adult years, aren’t they?)
I’m just thinking of your happiness and well-being. . . always.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
February 25
You:
Oh my gosh! You will not believe what I just saw! There was this girl that was getting off the bus and instead of just stepping off, she jumped off and right as she jumped off she had blown this big bubble with her bubblegum and just as she landed the bubble popped and the gum stuck all over her face, all over her glasses and even up into her hair!
It was hilarious!
I had to go hide my face because I couldn’t stop laughing for like five minutes afterwards.
Some jerk probably took her picture so don’t be surprised if somebody shows it to you at some point today. That poor girl. But it was soooo funny!
Anyhoo . . . so how are you? Did you get your Science report finished? I bet you get an “A+” because you’ve been so focused on it you haven’t returned any of my calls until yesterday. But just in case you haven’t quite finished it yet and could use some help, here are some things you can include in your report.
There’s a guy in my trig class that probably has an entire colony of alien-like bacteria living in his eyebrows because his eyebrows are so bushy that they could easily have escaped the hostile planet they escaped from and just hide out living quite well in his eyebrows.
Okay. That was mean. Maybe I should try something less cruel.
There’s a guy I know that sweats so much when he exercises that he’s often called for fighting fires instead of calling the fire department because all anyone has to do is hold the guy up over the fire and he’ll just drip the fire out with his sweat. He shows up every time I look in the mirror because he’s the guy looking back at me.
Okay so that was a confession that I sweat a lot and that I agree that it’s gross and now that I think of it that was totally cheesy to tell you just now.
I will be amazed if you’re even still acknowledging our friendship after that one.
Why am I so nerdy? That should be a question that reporters in the news investigate and follow up on with a headline:
“Teen Heartthrob Is Secret Nerd”
Who knew? (You did. And you still like me. You’re an angel.)
So guess what I’m going to do after school today? My dad made arrangements for me to interview for a job test driving new luxury cars on closed race tracks. Sweet!
Of course, a job like that would never be able to support a family but because I have taken after my dad with the talent to make groundbreaking innovations, if I can come up with a new and needed innovation this car company (or any other one) hasn’t thought of yet and then if I can get my own patent for it then I can license it for other car companies to use or to have just one car company license it exclusively to get a leg up on their competition.
Doing that successfully could make me a millionaire. Nice! Needless to say I’m pretty excited about this afternoon.
Well, got to go.
I’m still craving more mango delight fruit cake so I’ll have to make your recipe this weekend. And if I do, I’ll bring some to school and you can tell me if I did a good job making it. Hope you have a good day!
Later!
Me
Chapter 7: The March Chapter
March 6
You:
What’s up?! Not too much over on my end these days although I did go and actually do like a test interview test drive and believe it or not I don’t think I would enjoy that job. There are so many questions you have to answer about the driving experience.
Were the mirrors easy to adjust?
Did it take too long to adjust them?
Did the mirrors move too fast?
Did the mirrors move too slow?
Was the temperature of the seat comfortable? Too hot? Too cold?
Did it take too long for the temperature to adjust?
How quiet was the interior?
Were you comfortable with the leg room?
Was the seat long enough for thigh support?
Was the seat too long?
Were you comfortable with the head room?
How was the suspension?
Did the steering wheel have minimal shaking, too much shaking or no noticeable shaking?
Aaaaah! Just let me drive the dang car!
Needless to say I don’t like all of the “satisfaction” and “stability” and “ergonomics” questions. I love the driving experience but I don’t like having to focus on the details of that experience. I just want to drive for the sake of driving.
I’m not sure if I’ll be doing that again but at the same time, a million bucks is a nice round number to see on a future bank statement of mine. Maybe I’ll go again.
And just in case you were wondering, you look great today!
Later!
Me
[10th anonymous note put in your locker.]
March 10
Title: “Picture Perfect”
Some say you’re only beautiful when you’re thin
Others say if you’re thin it must be a sin
Maybe some people just don’t want you to win
Some say your body must be perfect
And so must your face
But have you seen how ugly some people are
Deep down inside in the first place?
People say you’ll be so happy
If you look the way we tell you to
But did you ever notice
Just how miserable and crappy
These same people feel inside?
Baby I don’t care if you need to lose a little weight
Baby I don’t care because we all need food on our plate
Baby I don’t want you thin as paper
Baby I don’t want you thin as a tiny twig
Baby I don’t need you to be picture perfect
But boy I sure do want at least a picture of you
Now Honey I know you think you’re no Mona Lisa
And you listen to the people that say
That only the beautiful people get to play
Play all day in the game of love
The game where onl
y one of us wins
But as long as you know me
You’ll be more inclined to see
That the all the romantic poetry in the world got its start
By writing about
The curvaceous and voluptuous Goddess of Venus
The full-figured female statues across Italy, England, Germany and France
The Marilyn Monroes and the Ladies from the days of Edgar Allen Poe
Now Honey I know you think you’re no Mona Lisa
But you better listen to me when I say
That you and me were meant to play
Play all day in the game of love
The game where both of us win
Baby I don’t care if you need to lose a little weight
Baby I don’t care because we all need food on our plate
Baby I don’t want you thin as paper
Baby I don’t want you thin as a tiny twig
Baby I don’t need you to be picture perfect
But boy I sure do want to be in a picture with you
A picture of me...kissing you
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
P.S. I said earlier that sometimes my poetry stinks. Remember I said “sometimes.” Not all of it stinks. (Wink and a smile.)
[11th anonymous note put in your locker.]
March 14
Title: “Where is She?”
It’s 11 P.M. and I’m looking out my window
Down beneath the reflection of flickering flames
From decorative torches touches the surface of the pool
Whispering the question
Where is she
You stupid fool?
It’s one A.M. and I’m looking out the window
Up above the stars weave in and out
Filling the night sky and playing with the Milky Way
Faintly echoing the question
Where is she?
Did she lose her way?
Or are you still the fool?
It’s 3 A.M. and I’m searching in my heart
Into the deepest depths and highest heights
In between the throbbing beats that flood my veins
Pumping the question
Where is she?
But the answer is so plain
Because I’m a fool
It’s 5 A.M. and I’m facing the truth
Buried beneath the distance I keep between us
It’s no good to keep myself, keep myself so far, far away
Knowing that the answer to the question
Is that she would be here
If I would start a new day
Keeping myself not so far away anymore
But letting her be here
And holding the most precious woman I know close
Close forever
And not just in my heart
Then the whispering flames
Echoing stars
And the throbbing in my veins
Will testify
I’m no longer the fool
Because she’s here
Because I’m here
Because we’re together
And not just in my heart.
Love,
Your Secret Admirer
March 17
You:
Happy Saint Patrick's Day! I like the green glitter rimmed glasses you're wearing today. Nice touch!
Well, well, well. Guess who crashed a car yesterday while doing a test drive? Yes. That would be me.
Was I texting while driving? No.
Was I driving drowsy? No.
Was I loudly unwrapping a peanut butter and jelly sandwich during the quiet test? No.
Believe it or not, a deer came jumping out of the middle of nowhere and literally jumped over the hood, which scared the jeepers out of me, so I swerved and slammed into a table of engineers that ran away before I could hit any of them while simultaneously proving that the tires they use do, in fact, stop a full twenty eight feet earlier than the competitions under similar circumstances.
So there was a lesson to be had by all. And what might that lesson be? That it is not necessary to be a distracted driver by sleepiness, texting or unwrapping peanut butter and jelly sandwiches because nature will create plenty of obstacles to safe driving for us. Man need not create his own obstacles to his own safety or the safety of a nearby table full of observing engineers.
After that my dad wanted to pull me out of the testing experience for good and he asked me what I thought and so I gave him the only logical reply a young man my age could give: “No way! That rocked! Let’s do it again!”
My dad is reluctantly letting me continue test driving. The Vice President of the car company personally shook my hand for proving how well the tires held up so I don’t plan on quitting after something as small as a little deer nearly killing about a dozen people.
(Okay. . . so it wasn’t a small thing to nearly die. But it rocked!)
So anyhoo. . . how are you? Hopefully you’re not thinking of getting a job as a test driver because then I would strictly forbid you from doing so for the sake of all little deer and fawns everywhere. and for the sake of observing engineers.
And, of course, I can’t forget myself – so for my sakes also because it would just tear me up inside if anything ever happened to you because you followed my foolish ways behind the wheel.
Plus I might be rather upset if you became a test driver because then they would hire you over me since women are better drivers than men are. So stay away from the test track. I forbid it. And if you don’t like my saying that then just watch me . . . take back every last word I just said because you’re just cool like that.
Sometimes I think I like you too much. Or maybe it’s the fruit cake I like too much.
No. . . It’s you.
By the way, how did your last English test go? Did you ace it? I would spread vicious rumors about how you dangle your participles but that would be entirely false and I might not be able to spread such rumors while keeping a straight face.
So did it go well? I’d offer you help but how much help can I offer someone that is taking advanced courses and is one of the smartest people I know? But if there is ever anything you need help with I’m here for you. I really do know a few things about U.S. history and the subject of “Love 101”.
I mention that because I’m wondering if you’re going to tell me if you have a love life or who’s in your love life or that “my love life is none of your business.”
Basically nearly any statement with the words “my love life” in it will do. Just wondering.
Hope you have a great day today! I survived the attack ninja deer surprise so I’d have to say I’m having a pretty awesome day so far.
Later!
Me
[With a single long-stemmed red rose in your locker you find the 12th anonymous note put in your locker.]
March 20
You know that I like driving, I love music, I love the way my heart seems to skip a beat every time I see you and I’m thinking about actually telling you who I am sometime soon.
But before I do that, I wanted to tell you something more, if that’s okay with you. It seems you’ve been pretty patient with this one way conversation and that maybe it’s not fair to you to keep up this mystery so long. In fact, it’s not healthy to have a string of secret admirer letters and not give you a voice in the matter where you know who I really am. At least that’s the way I feel and I would like to know if you feel the same but that would require me telling you who I am first and right at this moment I’m scared to do it.
Please understand, just seeing you face to face sets my heart aflutter and the idea of actually talking with you face to face in a way where you actually know it’s me that’s been giving you these notes is to imagine world war three within my heart. Right now, you don’t know who I am and so you can’t reject me to my face so, in th
at sense, I’m safe. But there is a stronger part of me that just can’t help but to tell you.
I’m actually not such a great secret keeper when I really like someone. When I’m in love, I’m a dead give away that I absolutely must get to know the girl that I like and that means to be friends with her friends. And usually to be friends with her friends means its inevitable that I’ll be social enough with everyone involved enough to make that happen – including being sociable enough with you. (That should be a huge hint right there as to who I really am.)
So I guess what I’m trying to say is that, you’ve seen how ridiculous my writing style is and so who knows how awkward it might be when I actually tell you that I am the one that is your secret admirer.
So please go easy on me. It’s not just that you’re more beautiful than a moonlit night in the summer or that the flowers of spring hide their faces in shame whenever your splendor outshines them as you come their way or that the very sun itself in all its rays of glory cannot compare to the human star that you are – it’s not these things alone.
It’s that your gorgeous beauty is both unsurpassed by any that have come before you, all that are here now and whomever will follow and yet every day in this simple school you bless the masses here with your presence. You bless me and your presence around me causes me the greatest bliss I could ever conceive while simultaneously wracking every nerve within my frame so as to render me almost entirely helpless to do something as simple as speak to you with the honesty of an open heart.
Love Letters from a Teen Heartthrob Page 9
