by Laura Kemp
A little store of her own, of succulents and cacti, with an apothecary feel, selling herbal remedies, maybe her own, in little jars of this and pipette bottles of that, organics and candles and a tea room offering fresh infusions of mint, nettles, turmeric and ginger. Yet without finance and support, this would never be on the knitting needles. But she was sure there had to be some other way for her to earn a living.
Her phone buzzed. Of course now would be the time for it to ring, to rub in the fact that it wasn’t Gobaith Gardening or a solicitor saying she was the sole beneficiary of a long-lost wealthy relative. It was April the first, after all.
‘Annie, it’s Bonnie from the Hound Hotel. Don’t panic, Teg’s fine!’
Lovely Bonnie! She instinctively knew to calm an owner’s fear.
‘What it is, it’s something a bit strange to be honest. There was a man come in just now, said he’d come to pick up Teg.’
‘A man?’ Annie’s heart was in her throat.
‘Yes. Didn’t know him. Said he was here on your behalf.’
Annie knew who it would be. She just knew it. She’d thought she was safe from him, but somehow he’d tracked her down.
‘You didn’t …’ She couldn’t bear it if she’d been taken.
‘No, of course not. Teg’s safe and sound.’
Thank God.
‘Was he lanky? This man? Long thin face and a—’ She would choke if she had to keep describing that streak of piss.
‘Skinhead. Cruel grey eyes.’
Annie couldn’t have summed him up better herself. ‘My ex, Dean Pincher.’
‘That makes sense. Teg started barking like mad when he was here. Didn’t see him, but she got a whiff of him, obviously. Cwtched in right behind me when I went to see her after.’
‘Oh no!’ Annie was breaking inside.
‘It’s okay, I gave her a good smooth; she calmed down.’
‘Oh, Bonnie! Thank you so much. How did you get him to go?’
‘I said I’d ring you. Wouldn’t say his name. Very suspicious, I thought.’
‘The gall of him. Listen, keep Teg close. Keep her on a lead if you have to.’
‘Sure?’
Annie was sickened that she’d have to curb Teg’s freedom. But she couldn’t risk Dean getting his hands on her. While Teg wouldn’t go to him, if there was food or a trap of some sorts, she might fall for it.
‘Do you think I should come up? I should, shouldn’t I?’
‘I’m not sure, lovely, she’s sleeping now, I think it took it out of her. She had quite a reaction to him.’
‘Yes, of course.’ How selfish of her to seek comfort without thinking about Teg’s upset. There was no way she’d want her to suffer any more.
‘Tomorrow, I’ll come then,’ she said, ringing off, seeing the drawn white of her cheeks in the rear-view mirror. How the heck had he found out where Teg was staying? Did this mean he knew where she was too? What the hell did he want from her? She’d agreed to the divorce on his terms. Why would he want to take the most precious thing she had away from her? Did this mean he would never let her go? Would he always punish her for having the courage to leave him? She had to get Teg out of there. But how? She began to cry, softly at first, but then waves of distress at her own impotence brought judders to her chest and shoulders. Dean Pincher was a sicko, a psycho and—
A rap on the door made her jump in her seat. She wouldn’t put it past him to confront her in broad daylight to show he was afraid of no one, or their judgement. But it was Wanda. Oh no. What now?
Annie opened the window an inch and switched on the engine as if she was about to go. She couldn’t face this, whatever it was.
‘Hi, I was wondering if you … er … had a second?’ Wanda said through a mop of soaking red hair.
Annie was about to say no, but Wanda was peering in, all big blue eyes of concern.
‘What’s up?’ Wanda asked, ‘Are you okay?’
Great. Annie’s face was puffier than a winter robin.
Another torrent of rain descended and Wanda disappeared, only to open the passenger door and ask if she could jump in.
Annie hesitated. She couldn’t deal with this now.
‘Look,’ she said, her hands gripping the steering wheel. ‘I think we said enough on Saturday night. I’m not up to—’
‘I’m sorry!’ Wanda cried. ‘I’m so sorry. I want to apologise. Please?’
‘Oh …’ Annie hadn’t expected this. She turned to her, examined Wanda – and she looked like she meant it.
‘It’s … er … raining old ladies and walking sticks out here.’
All right, she’d let her have her say, they’d put it behind them and then they’d part and pretend everything was just hunky-dory between them. Such was village life.
‘Fine,’ Annie said, sighing, laying back on the headrest, trying to gather herself. Because, really, after their row at the community hall, they were never going to make it up properly.
‘Thanks, Annie,’ Wanda said. She flapped her wet coat about, wiped her face, shook her hair and then dried her hands on her lap. ‘I was wrong. You were right. You are right. I’ve had my head stuck up my arse and I’ve finally plucked it out.’
‘O-kay …’ That was pretty honest of her. It couldn’t have been easy.
‘You don’t need to say anything. I don’t want you to forgive me or say it’s forgotten. Because I know I’m the one who’s got to show you I mean it. That I can make the best of things here and move on and that I don’t blame you and I just want to thank you for everything.’
Whoa, she really was going for it.
‘I’ve been round everyone too, explaining myself. Blod, Spike …’
Annie had avoided him – she’d dropped any designs she’d had on having him as a new mate. At least now she didn’t look like a madwoman to him.
‘I’d like to ask you up for a cup of tea soon, if you’d consider it? I’m off the drink, obvs.’
‘Yeah … maybe.’ Annie had to give her something.
‘In fact, how about now?’ Wanda’s voice was high with hope.
‘Want a lift home, is it?’ Annie was thawing slowly. She couldn’t help but tease her.
‘No! No!’
‘I’m only messing about.’ She gave Wanda a little smile.
Annie had had enough of this. Acceptance was everything – and what kind of hypocrite would she be if she didn’t follow up on her own advice to Wanda?
‘Yes. Let’s do it. Come on.’ She pushed off in first gear and drove them to the campsite without an atmosphere, focusing on the lane, which could be treacherous in a downpour.
But as she pulled in to the drive, the last drops of the rain had been squeezed from the clouds and the sun came out with a warmth that reached your bones.
Inside the farmhouse, Annie’s heart had a pang when she saw nothing she recognised – of course, the fire had claimed all of the little bits and pieces which made up a family’s history. But then they would have memories, like Annie had of Nanna’s home, of crochet and coal, cawl stew and cwtches. And it was a lovely domestic scene here of life with cookbooks, a fruit bowl and on the fridge a grainy blown-up photo of two babies curled up together in the womb. Out of nowhere Annie felt a blow to her stomach. Even though she’d accepted long ago she would never be blessed with children, sometimes the fact still took her breath away. So she was pleased when Wanda brewed up and suggested they went outside.
‘What a day! Four seasons at once!’ Wanda said as they ambled towards the lake.
‘Typical Wales,’ Annie said, soothed again.
‘I’ve got some bara brith if you fancy? Carys made it but from Mam’s recipe. With a twist, knowing her.’
It was an offering, Annie knew. Wanda’s mam’s tea bread was legendary and had been a post-school reviver when they’d tumble in from the
bus and slob out on the sofa together.
‘What kind of twist?’
Wanda pulled a foil parcel out of her pocket and gave it a sniff. ‘Ooh, smells like coconut! Definitely not arsenic.’
Annie let out a laugh and felt it ripple through her body.
Suddenly, Wanda stopped and gasped. ‘Look!’ she said, nodding towards the shepherd’s hut nestled in the trees and hedges, cocooned from the rest of the campsite. ‘What on earth? It’s been done up!’
She gave Annie a huge grin and they picked up the pace until they were up close, where the hut was gleaming in the sunshine. Not quite looking brand new, but the vast russet of rust had been scoured away, exposing the original grey of the corrugated iron, leaving battered patches like dimples. The steps were varnished, the windows clean and the wheels painted black. It looked like a piece of art of the landscape.
‘The padlock’s gone, there’s a silver keyhole instead!’ Wanda said with excitement, trying the handle, but it was locked. ‘Someone’s got the key to this! But who? Who did this?’
‘No idea! Did you mention it to anyone during the clean-up?’
Wanda shook her head. ‘I was only down here the other day. It’s been done since then. Oh my,’ she whispered. ‘It’s beautiful.’
They both peeked through the window and saw a few tools, some vinegar and scouring pads.
‘Could it have been Spike? Sara? One of your Dad’s pals?’
‘God knows … but it’s a little miracle! A sign!’
‘It is!’ Annie said, as they perched side by side on the steps.
‘It’s like the hut has got a second chance … like us, I hope.’
Annie’s heart bloomed at that.
‘Sorry, again,’ Wanda said, handing her some bara brith.
‘Forget it. I’m all in for second chances. Come on, let’s have a taste of this.’
The cake crumbled on her tongue, the sweetness reaching her tastebuds, followed by coconut and a light tea, and the raisins were soft and succulent. ‘Delish!’
‘Isn’t it! I never knew Carys was a baker. I don’t s’pose Mam let her.’
‘How is she?’
‘She’s weak, her rehab programme isn’t going to schedule because of that. And she’s a thrombosis risk because she’s immobile. Poor thing, she’s going stir crazy now.’
‘How long will it be before she’s home?’
‘Depends on her mobility. The doctors are very wary about sending her back. They know Carys can’t help with anything requiring physical support and that I’m working. Friends have offered to have her in the meantime, but she won’t be a burden on anyone.’
‘Sounds like the Lyn I know!’
‘How’s life with you?’ Wanda asked.
Annie felt the pressure of the moment: if she said everything was fine, then this friendship would never really recover. Wanda had made the first move with her apology and Annie wanted to show her she appreciated it. This was also the chance to fill her in on what had happened to her since the fire. Why she’d come back. Who she was now. And to have someone familiar willing to listen … well, that hadn’t happened in a long time.
‘Hard,’ she said. ‘My back’s aching from the sofa. I miss my dog. And Dean tried to take her from the kennel today. God knows how he found out where Teg was.’
‘What? Such a bastard!’
‘I know. All to show he’s got power over me.’
‘Was it his dog then?’
‘Pfft. No! He hated her.’
‘Why?’
‘Because she took my attention away from Dean, that’s what he said.’ Annie felt tears rush in and Wanda placed a hand on her arm. ‘He wants to hurt me in the worst way. He’d know that I’d be beside myself at what he’d do to her.’
‘How do you mean?’
‘The night I left, the final straw …’ Annie squeezed her eyes shut at the horror. She’d told nobody about this. No one. But it was a relief to let it out. ‘He’d got the sack from work, he was in a rage, he kicked the dog so hard I thought he’d killed her. I wish it had been me. I realised it would be me next.’
‘That’s despicable. What a coward.’
‘Teg was in the vet’s a while. I didn’t say Dean had done it, I was too terrified. She had a cracked rib, luckily it didn’t pierce her lungs; it could’ve done. Blod let me keep her at hers while she recovered; she wasn’t interested in the cats then, she was too poorly. But once she was better, then I had to put her in the kennel. I need to work out a way to get her out.’
‘She could come here?’ Wanda offered.
Annie was touched. ‘Thanks, but her next step needs to be back with me. It might confuse her, she might try to escape to find me, I just can’t risk it.’
‘It will all work out, you know.’
‘It has to …’
‘It will do. It has for me. You reach a tipping point. You and Caz, you made it happen. All that stuff about leaving, it was just denial. I saw escape as … well, my escape and I thought that was the end point. Now I see when I do eventually go away I will have to come back – the problems will still be there and probably more ingrained and I’ll be in an even bigger pickle. I need to sort everything out now so I have something good to come back to.’
‘And what about Lew?’ Annie asked, softly. Because he was part of her rehabilitation.
‘Yes. I’m working up to that. Sat here, this was where we were all last together, wasn’t it, the night of the fire. It feels like he’s missing.’
‘He’s missing out, that’s what he’s missing.’ Annie gave Wanda a playful barge with her elbow.
‘I dunno, I haven’t got my head round all that, still. How do you think I should play it?’
Annie didn’t want to be the vessel through which the pair communicated: the pair of them had to do so face to face, yet she knew them both and the back story. She hesitated, trying to work out how to put it politely and in a manner that wouldn’t deter Wanda from trying, that Lew appeared to think she wasn’t worth much at all.
‘I don’t want you to betray his confidence. If he’s said anything to you, though …?’
At least she could be truthful about this. ‘He hasn’t said much.’
‘I don’t even know why he’s back. No one does, not really.’
‘You’ve been asking, then?’
‘Of course!’
‘He saw The Bunkhouse as a way to run his own show in an area he knew.’
‘And?’
‘You’ll have to ask him. I’m sorry.’
‘I understand.’
‘What I will say is, I get the sense he’s seeking some kind of resolution.’
‘I wish I knew where to start. I mean, I’ve blamed him for us losing contact, but now I’m wondering if I read things wrong and I didn’t try hard enough to keep in touch.’
‘How about dropping the blame altogether?’ Annie said, astonished the old intimacy had come back to them so naturally.
Wanda considered it and then turned her head to Annie. ‘Isn’t it amazing, we’ve had no contact for fifteen years and now, I feel like you’re back in my life. I’ve missed you,’ she said, unable to stop her chin from trembling.
‘Me too.’
They rested their heads together and sat in silence for a while.
Wanda was the first to speak. ‘I’ve been thinking about Ryan a lot.’
Annie stiffened and hmmmed her acknowledgement.
Wanda touched her hand to tell her she meant well. ‘Yeah, I guess I grew up in this happy family, with all the love in the world and a mam who’d not just do the basics but the extras too, redoing my ponytail if it was too tight or listening to me kicking off and still giving me a hug after. And my dad, he’d sit and play princesses with me, and that stuff matters, doesn’t it? It gives you wings and hop
e. But if that isn’t there, then you’ve been let down, haven’t you? And if there’s violence and neglect, you might go under …’
‘Yep. I was so lucky. It could’ve been me, not Ryan. I had my grandparents, they protected me. He had a bully of a father and our mam was frightened and she couldn’t find it in herself to stick up for him. It took me years to be that charitable to her – she didn’t give a toss about me; she still doesn’t.’
‘Do you ever see her?’
‘She lives locally, but no. There was a time when I did, but she’d turn up a wreck, asking to borrow money, or else she’d cancel. I thought she just needed to dig a bit deeper and she’d find some love for me. She managed to fit three men in her life – she remarried after Ryan died. But there was none left for me. I think she’s spent her whole life numb. Maybe that’s why I ended up with Dean: I wanted the love I never had from her from him. And it’s complicated, because she was brought up by my grandparents, she was given everything, but at a young age, younger than Ryan was, she’d got in with the wrong crowd, my father for one, and I guess she found the instant rewards of that kind of life more satisfying than having to work hard. Then maybe she got trapped there.’
‘It’s not black or white, is it?’
‘Never is. Listen, I need to go, there’s a tree that needs lopping.’
‘Thanks, Annie. You’ve made me see sense.’
‘About bloody time!’ Annie laughed, getting up and taking a last long thirsty look at the beauty around her. ‘Looks like we’ll be in for a sunset-and-a-half. The streaks of cloud, they look as if a dragon’s clawed the sky.’
‘I’ll stay here for a bit, I think. Take some photos, enjoy the view. See you soon?’
That hopeful question would have been unthinkable an hour ago.
‘Definitely,’ she said, with a wave.
She might have been heading off back to work, but Annie’s footsteps felt lighter than they had all day.
12
We came to Mid Wales for an off-grid back-to-nature retreat but it was cancelled after the wifi went down. Wanda very kindly put us up and let us use her internet to upload photos to our @LifestyleInfluencers platforms. We leave cleansed and re-energised.
