Bites of Ben Urglar

by Ken Blowers

  'Alright,' he says. I'm laughing inside. Then: 'Come back tomorrow. I'll have my son here then. You can show him your identification and show me a list of local satisfied customers as well. Good day.' He nips back in! Well I mean, we can do without people like that!

  You know what stuffed that deal don't you, complete lack of trust! But it's not all good, is it? I mean it may save some people money and grief, but it means others, hard working door-to-door traders like me for instance, go short, doesn't it?'

  Well, I'd better go. The old duff guttering lark clearly aint what it used to be. As they always say in the door-to-door game, it's just a case of keeping up the calls. You're bound to get a bite or two by the end of the week. Who needs Smart Alec old dodderers anyway! I need ‘em like a hole in the head.

  Cheers.

  Ben Urglar

  8

  BURGLARY BOOM

  There’s been a boom in burglaries of late and I can hardly believe it, I mean I’ve been away on holiday! I've only been gone a few weeks and seems like already some opportunist has moved in quick to pick up where I left off. We can’t have this you know. You've got to fight back.

  I shouldn't be telling you this, but you've got to get out there and do the old O.T.R test, like we do in the trade. That means you have to start your plan of defence by going and standing Over The Road, get it?. Just stand there a few minutes and look at your place. What do you see? Does your place have lots of loose, valuable, stuff lying about outside, toys, tools, garden stuff and the like? Is the garage door left open? Is there a carport or patio with stuff left out all the time? Do you have an open window with net curtains billowing out, waving a warm welcome to one and all? Is the front, side, or back door open with no security screen? If you have any of these things, and you've already been done, the chances are you will be done again, and again. Why? Because we all like the easy life, right? Us burglars are no different. We will go for the easy job time and time again. So you must stop making your place look like such an easy target.

  Get rid of the loose clutter, clear it up, put it away and if you've got no where to put it, give it away to charity. Leaving it where it is, scattered about all over the place is nothing more than an invitation to wrong doers. Fit security screens on all doors and windows and don't forget the loo and the laundry! An outside light with a motion-detector switch would be useful too. Lock your security doors every time you, or the family, come in or go out. No, it's not a hassle to do that. If you don't do it you are just being lazy. It only takes a fraction of a second to flip the catch. But do use the dead-lock key at night? It's more secure than just the catch and it stops a burglar from carting your goods out the door with ease. If you can afford it, install a 24 hour monitored security system, you’ll be surprised how cheap they are! The big bold warning notices that come with the installation are enough to deter all but the most brave or most stupid of burglars.

  Now you might think that me telling you all this might be bad for me in my line of business right? Wrong! I know and you know, that most of you mugs out there just won’t be told and for me next week and every week thereafter it will business as usual.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  9

  WHISTLE BLOWERS

  Now as if our trade isn't hard enough in these lean times, we've got a new hazard to contend with - Whistle Blowers! I'm not talking about the dob-in-a-fraud type of whistle blower either!

  I was cruising around, keeping a careful, watchful eye out for business; when I spots this little corner house. A bit run down. In fact the garden was looking decidedly overgrown; community newspapers lay scattered around the empty driveway; the mail box stuffed with junk mail and garbage bins left out, like flags crying: Empty House Here! I just had to come back later for a second look and I noticed the absence of any obvious security measures. One of the lounge room windows had been left slightly open to catch a drop of fresh air! Amazing what you can see when you've got a trained eye for it.

  The next morning at sparrow’s f**t, I parked my car at the end of the road. The weather was fine and dry and ideal for what I had in mind. Wearing a tracksuit and runners I set off, looking for all the world like your average, respectable, early morning jogger. There was nobody about, I was sure of that. So I cut across the corner of the front garden of the little old house, opened the window and within seconds I was inside! A quick ‘recce’ disappointingly showed there was nothing much worth lifting. Even the small TV and a video recorder were both pretty old. There was a large picture on the mantle of a man in a football referee's outfit that I thought might be in silver frame, but it turned out to be nothing but base metal. Then still thinking the house to be empty and being naturally curious and thorough by nature, I decided to check out the bedrooms upstairs. Bad move!

  As I opened the door to the main bedroom, I got a brief glimpse of a little old lady stirring in bed and fumbling under her pillow. Do you know what? She pulls out a silver whistle on a string and blows the most horrendous and excrutiating whistle blast I’ve ever heard! So loud as to nearly take my ears off! I staggered back out the door with my ears ringing! Then the dog next door began to bark and howl, setting off all the other dogs in the street. Dazed and confused, I somehow managed to get myself downstairs and back out through the window, empty handed of course, just as lights were coming on and doors were opening in all the surrounding houses.

  Being the survivor that I am, I hid in the bushes and as the first neighbours came running up the drive way - I runs up behind them panting and crying: 'What's up? What's up? What’s going on? I heard a whistle of some sort as I was jogging past.' Oh yes, I then just kept on running.

  I tell you: things aint getting any better. It's bad enough being up against all them there Neighbourhood Watch do-gooders, without out having to contend with geriatric whistle blowers! Still, that's life I suppose. But there’ll be better days and better pickings! I mean, not everybody has a whistle.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  10

  HOME INVASION

  I guess you've all heard the term 'Home Invasion', but what is it? How does it differ from burglary? How can you protect yourself?

  Burglary is an attack or intrusion on your home or surrounds, whereby you are robbed of your valuables. With home invasion you may be robbed of your valuables, but in addition tormented, abused, injured, traumatised. You are robbed, quite deliberately, of your self respect! Fortunately the frequency of home invasions are rare to the point where they almost always make headline news. But that doesn't mean they should be dismissed from your mind. Like all the common-to-major hazards of life, you need to consider in advance what your reaction to such an event should be. Being prepared to deal with catastrophies has been proven to dramatically decrease your losses and increase your chances of survival!

  Although simple burglaries can be distressing, one very rarely comes face-to-face with the burglar (most likely operating alone). Burglars generally do everything possible to avoid contact and quickly flee the scene. If you inadvertently meet one, then while observing all the features and mannerisms you can, you should do nothing whatever to obstruct that persons departure in any way!

  With home invasions we have a totally different scenario. The home invaders (almost always multiple perpetrators) force entry with the absolute aim of making face-to-face contact, inducing fear, and ever-ready to escalate to physical violence, even torture and death, to achieve their aim!

  Your priorities must be to protect yourself and your family from the threat of physical harm and to call for aid. As soon as you recognise that a home invasion is occurring (the undisguised sound of forced entry being made - hammer like blows to your door, glass being smashed, men with masks, etc!); you must seek to gather the family and retreat to a room which can be locked and which has a telephone (a bedroom is ideal) and barricade the door with furniture, and dial 000! It's imp
ortant that you state clearly that a home invasion is taking place, as home invasions generally receive top police priority response. If the phone line is cut, try and raise the alarm by setting off your smoke detectors or by throwing a chair through your window and calling out for help.

  I'm telling you all this because home invaders give us regular and genuine night-workers a bad name! One we could well do without!

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  11

  METER BOX MEDDLING

  One of the great pleasures of retirement is the time available to simply sit back and reminisce about the past. The notable experiences. The ups and downs. The good times and the bad. I've got enough interesting events stored in my head to write a book. I would do too, if that wasn't too much like hard work and no burglar worth his salt ever likes doing that! Anyway, you must have noticed over recent years the proliferation of homes that are slowly being turned into fortresses, as the residents resist the trend for profit sharing and the distribution of wealth more evenly across the community.

  Well, all is not lost for the gallant Robin Hood’s of this world, because there is always a weak link in every plan of defence. Take for instance the old electricity meter box. No use spending thousands on security screens and motion detectors if you leave that one undefended and most people do. Did you know that?

  Of course I wouldn't stoop to such a thing, but one of my night shift co-workers used to make a speciality of nipping around the side of these fortress-like houses, opening the meter box and tripping the main switch. Naturally, after a few minutes of consternation the man-of-the-house would peek out the door, notice that all appeared well with the street lights and neighbour's homes and announce that he was 'Just going to check the meter box, love!' Now my friend being a specialist, meaning he knew precisely what he was after, would nip in through the front door and hide in the front room, usually behind the settee. When the house had settled down and with the residents completely baffled by why the switch had apparently tripped itself, he would lift what ever items of value he fancied and quietly let himself out while the owners were once more engrossed in watching TV or gone to bed.

  Now where I live, my meter box is outside on the wall of the house for easy reading and as you would expect it is well protected. What I did was contact my electricity supplier and they gave me a list of approved locksmiths. I just had to show the locksmith some personal identification plus a recent electricity bill. The locksmith then sold me an approved high-quality, heavy brass padlock and key, with a number known to my electricity supplier. Oh, and I had to buy a quality hasp-and-staple too. My hasp-and-staple is fitted to the galvanised metal meter box with a total of nine bolts and is strong enough to tie up the Queen Mary II! Oh, yes, I confess I've got a soft spot and a very healthy respect for the Robin Hood’s of this world. But I like it best of all when I know I've got 'em licked!

  Cheers

  Ben Urglar

  12

  A WHEEL TRICKY PROBLEM

  As I've said before, I really do appreciate the way people around here go out of their way to help others in need. Our friends in the boating fraternity would have to be about the best of the best. On any fine day of the week, off they go, sailing into the blue without a care in the world especially about what they leave behind!

  Now every now and again, I get a call from one of me mates asking if I can find him a nice boat trailer. Not as easy as it sounds though. No, trailers come in an amazing variety of shapes and sizes and when a boatie asks around for a boat trailer, he tends to be very specific about what he wants. So people in the boat trade sometimes need a little help. That’s where I come in. I’m very helpful. I’m always helping myself to this and I helping myself to that.

  One day a mate calls and he is extra tight in his specifications: length, width, weight and tyres, all that kind of stuff. When these boaties-that-live-off-other-boaties want a trailer delivered, every thing has to be just right and tyres is the first thing they look at. So, naturally, that's the first thing I look at too! My mate gives me a few days notice, so I'm out there spotting, right sharp like; having a leisurely drive, taking in the view, trailers, of course when I spots a real beauty - absolutely top notch. So I gets out of my car to measure it up. Nobody takes any notice, let alone call the Police, they never do. Wow! It fits the specification perfectly. There's only one problem, I'm driving a little Jap job I've sort of borrowed for another mate, that’s another story - and there's no tow bar! No worries, I think to myself. I'll just get rid of this car and come back again real smart. Off I goes, happy as Larry!

  But before I comes back, I make sure I have the kind of vehicle that fits the trailer. So I picks up a very nice Range Rover from another boat ramp and it’ll goes well with the classy trailer. It really does. But guess what? The rotten, mistrusting, boaties who own the trailer have come back and they’ve removed one of the wheels! They sure make it hard on us working men. Whether somebody tipped them off about the admiring glances their trailer was getting I'll never know. But what I do know is, I think saw the boat later as I went over the bridge. Well, anyway, it was a boat with more wheels in the wheelhouse than is right and proper! Oh, well. Nothing personal. Probably those Neighbourhood Watch plonkers up to their old tricks again, that's what my wife reckons. But, for every job missed, there's another just around the corner, right? A quick cuppa and I’m off back down to them launching ramps. Is your trailer there today, by any chance? It is? Are you sure...?

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  13

  PUT YOUR TOYS AND TOOLS AWAY

  The good thing about mothers, at least mothers of the old school, is that they are prone to tell you things that you will never forget. I particularly remember my dear old mum cajoling us kids into doing little jobs, whether that be chopping wood, lighting fires, mowing the lawn, making a cake or sweeping a room. When we would gather around her in anticipation of a reward, saying we had done this and done that, she would always say: 'Oh, yes? Did you clean up afterwards?' Then she would invariably add: 'The job's not done until the tools are put away, you'd best remember that'. So I have, indeed. You might say I have made something of an art, a business even, of cleaning up and putting away the tools of others.

  Recently I saw a very deserving family work their guts out with a major garden reconstruction project. Clearing away old plants and rubbish in a most admirable fashion and putting in new plants, mulch and nice pavers. Unfortunately there was no old and wise mother at hand at the end of the day to remind them, “The job's not done until the tools are put away!” Wheelbarrows, garden tools and other pieces of expensive equipment were dropped where last used and left laying there for several days and nights. There were plenty of kids toys, some quite expensive, laying about too. Fortunately this all occurred in a cul-de-sac where there is necessarily no late night through-traffic and no undesirable types roaming about who might be willing to help them put their tools away. I can think of many other places around here where the outcome would have been quite different. It might have been different there and then if I'd been driving around on my own, instead of chauffeuring the missus about in the family limo!

  The moral of this story is: you must teach the family to recognise that your goods and chattels don't come easy and they don't come cheap. Neither do their toys. So it doesn't pay to leave them scattered all over your front lawn ready for anyone to come along and help themsleves. If you were to go along to the regular Police auction of unclaimed goods and see the huge stacks of bicycles, mowers, sports equipment and toys of every description there - you'd quickly see what I mean.

  Cheerio!

  Ben Urglar

  14

  CREDIT CARD TIME-BOMB

  People like me are always doing our utmost to keep up with technology and come up with new ideas to blow away any complacent smile you may have on your face about security. You don't believe me? Well, le
t me tell you about the latest credit card time-bomb, just waiting to go off! It's a beaut! Why? Because the only defence against it would be the introduction of pin numbers and passwords for telephone, mail and email credit card purchases. For some odd reason the banks aren't too keen on doing that. Still forewarned is forearmed - or so the optimists like to tell us! The scam works like this...

  We hard working blokes pick a business that could have a need for a small, easily carried, piece of expensive equipment, say, a computer, printer, a cash register (almost every business in your area, right?). Anything, as long as it's valuable, easily carried away and can be readily converted to cash!

  We get a hold of the target owner's credit card numbers and expiry date. Difficult? No, not really. Not if you have a friend who works at restaurant, service station, supermarket etc. who is a bit short of cash and can keep his mouth shut. Note, you don't need the actual card, that's the smart thing - just the details.

  We find a company that has goods for sale that should be of interest to the target; preferably a company that makes a point of soliciting telephone or email orders and most importantly, one that regularly delivers such goods by private courier.