Bites of Ben Urglar

by Ken Blowers

  We order the goods by telephone quoting the name, card number and expiry date. Add a little tale about some extreme urgency like equipment gone bung, must have a replacement today, sort of thing! Insist on knowing the name of the courier company being used and the approximate time of delivery. We get them to give the courier explicit instructions that we will be anxiously waiting at the door, lobby, foyer, delivery bay or driveway for the goods to arrive. We get them to repeat the instructions back, so there is no doubt the courier will be expecting to be met.

  We simply wait at the appointed place at the appropriate time, and bingo! The courier arrives. Before he can get near the office door, we rush up and say. Oh, thank you! Thank you! You've saved my life! We must have this gear up and running today! Or something like that. Scribble an illegible signature on the docket. Maybe give the driver a tip (I would, drive carefully!). Wave the driver Bye Bye’s - and when he’s gone, decamp with the goods in hand. How's that! Good one, eh? With a bit of luck the stuff will all be sold-on by market day.

  Moral: Check your credit card statements immediately on receipt, or check them online. Do you? You should, especially knowing that I work this area for a living and for the fun of it! Say, you wouldn’t happen to be in the market right now for a great cash-buy on a brand new computer, printer, fax. On the other hand, perhaps you have, this very day, without even knowing it.

  Cheerio!

  Ben Urglar

  15

  CIVIL DISOBEDIENCE

  Civil disobedience sounds nasty, but all it means is not doing the expected thing. That can shock people, literally! Even the bravest-of-the-brave. Or the cheekiest of the cheeky.

  Let me tell you about a hardworking mate of mine, in the trade I mean, not personal. He stops an old lady in the car park of the local shopping centre, in broad daylight, mind. He's a big, bad, ugly great guy, not at all timid, know what I mean? Anyway, this old dear looks like a real lady. Mind you, you can't always tell of the refined sort, so you wouldn't expect her to give anybody any trouble. He asks her in his own special way, as polite as can be, if she would kindly hand over her purse. Now you wouldn't think that would be any cause for trouble to him, would you? Not with him being big and strong and her being such a frail little thing, eh? But do you know what she did? She takes her purse all friendly like there was to be no hassle, then she calmly tips it upside down, so the coins fall to the floor, making that umistakeable noise sure to gain attention, as they roll around all over the place, with the notes scattering in the breeze! Can you imagine it? Such disrespect for the established rules of the game!

  What did she expect him to do? He could hardly spend his valuable working time scrabbling about on the floor to pick up his earnings, now could he? She might have had the time, but he didn't. You never know who might come along. In fact there were people not only looking, but beginning to move in to help the old dear pick up her dosh. It's just another sad case of civil disobedience: someone not reacting in the expected, time-honoured, traditional, way that people in the rougher trades rely on.

  What's more and this is really worrying for me, it was the second case of civil disobedience I'd heard of that week! I don't know this other worker, mind - some young new-comer to the trade, I think. Anyway, according to the story I heard, he goes into the service station and announces in an honest, civil, tone that he has come to help empty the till. And do you know what? Well, I expect you've got an inkling now. The young slip of a girl has the cheek and the gall to say: "Certainly sir - allow me..." With that disarming and deceiving oh-so-helpful tone, she pulls the cash-drawer right out, then up ends it over the young fellows head! Can you imagine the shock to the poor lads system? Standing there, covered in cash! Not nice. Not nice at all. In fact, he was that upset he had to leave hurriedly and empty handed! What’s more, he was so upset he slipped on the coins, lost his balance and did himself a bit of an injury; leaving a nice set of palm and finger prints in blood on the floor!

  Now there really ought to be some sort of trade insurance against this kind of civil disobedience! It just ain't right! I do hope it doesn't catch on. I mean, it could only lead to increased unemployment for some people, like me!

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  16

  STATISTICS

  Now don't ever knock statistics. They're very good for checking out whether you are getting your share in life. For instance, did you see that bit in the paper recently giving all those statistics for the burglary trade?

  30% of all theft takes place from sheds, driveways and gardens. That's about right, for me anyway. I like to have a ‘Keep Australia Tidy’ week, now and again. I drive around slinging stuff into my old ute; hoses, mowers, ornaments, pot plants, garden furniture, kids stuff. I've never ever been stopped or questioned, not even once during all the years I’ve been doing it. Nobody seems to care about their own stuff, let alone the neighbours. But then, you just can't stop people being generous and kind hearted in leaving their valuables lying about, can you? The problem is, they don't see much of this sort of stuff as being valuables. You might say that's their major weakness and my major strength. You'd be right too!

  50% of home thefts occurred while the house was occupied. I'll go along with that too. Do you want to know why? Because it's sometimes better to know where the owners are, rather than have them walk in on you unexpected. Mind you, a lot depends on what you are after. I mean I find it ideal for the smaller stuff, really. Something I do as a favour for those who don't like security doors, but do like a bit of a breeze blowing through the house and are naturally untidy!

 

  Jewellery was the item most stolen; followed by power-tools, outdoor furniture, computers and cameras. Why not? I mean, first thing any tradesman worth his salt will do is fill his pockets with jewellery, watches, and cash. I mean, he's hardly likely to pick up a TV first and leave the pretty stuff 'til last, is he? Opportunity is the name of the game here. Remember the old song: Never Let a Chance Go By? I reckon that ought to be every working man's National Anthem. It's certainly mine!

  90% of homes robbed did not have an alarm fitted. Right again! What they don't tell you is that 50% of those that did have an alarm fitted, didn't have it on! Either because the battery was flat, they don't know how to use it, or they are too lazy; or they think that burglary is something that happens to other people! Those sort of people will never learn. Thank Goodness for that!

  60% of homes robbed actually had some form of a deadlock fitted, but not used. Why? Because the media have frightened people into believing that using a deadlock can be a death trap in a fire. Consequently, very few deadlocks are used as intended. This is despite the fact you are far more likely to be robbed than caught in a fire! If you are really worried about it, there's nothing to stop you keeping your door-key by your bed, under your pillow, on a chain - or somewhere else handy to you. Now is there?

  Neighbourhood Watch areas were less likely to be targeted. Right again! I find these days that I'm sometimes frightened to scratch myself, lest I get caught doing so by the army of Neighbourhood Wallies! Fortunately, it’s not being taken up by the young ones and with a bit of luck, in a few years they should all be gone.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  17

  GARAGE GATEWAY

  Is your house a fortress? You know, steel, triple-lock, security doors, stainless steel security screens, roll-down shutters - all that fancy stuff that nobody could ever get through, or even think of trying? Or would they?

  Look, security is about two things - barriers and perception. Barriers are all those things I have just mentioned. Perception is the visibly obvious protection people see when they look at your property. Something us professionals do for mental stimulation and entertainment, all the time. Mind you, I don't do much of that now I'm semi-retired; but if you should ever catch me chuckling in my sleep it would probably
be because I am dreaming of a place that somebody, somewhere, thought was impregnable!

  But I digress. My point about fortifying your house is that it gives the impression you have something worth pinching and although this may impress your good neighbours, it can also attract the attention of others who are not so good. So my advice is either go in for home security properly and seriously or don't go in for it at all!

  Now, why do you think we in the business, rate houses with garages as better prospects (I hate to use the word targets), than houses with carports? I’ll tell you. Because garages are the missing link in home defences. Prudent home owners, I'm too much of a gentleman to say mean, install security screens all around but all too often not in the garage. Security on all the doors in the house, but not the garage. Motion detectors everywhere, but not covering the garage. Get the picture? Lack of security is the one great thing we love about garages, second to the leaving of garage doors wide open of course, but we won't even mention that! But wait, there's more. Inside a garage you get out-of-sight access to the house. In the unlikely event that the door to the house is locked, easy access to the roof either via a trapdoor, or by a special trade key we carry; you might know it as a hammer!

  So, if you fortify your house, do include the garage! For the door to the house, a simple nice strong bolt will do the job, provided you put it inside the house and not inside the garage, right? Here's a tip: drill a hole through your roller-door channelling. Then insert a small screwdriver, or even a nail or a piece of thick wire in that hole and you will positively prevent the door from being raised from the outside something that the best of fitted locks will never do! If you are into motion detectors, infra-red detectors and all that stuff, then for goodness sake: don't forget to cover the garage driveway!

  Remember, you are never really secure unless you look secure! If you look convincingly secure, then there’s a good chance the lazy light fingered so-and-sos won’t even try, they’ll pass you by.

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  18

  HANDS OFF MY CAR!

  What, I hear you say, can one do to absolutely, positively, prevent someone nicking your car? The answer is: nothing! There is nothing you can do if a professional car thief is determined to take your car. But the vast majority of those doing the nicking today are not professionals. They are more likely to be amateurs, petty thieves, or joy riders. They want to to jump in your car and drive off quickly and unnoticed, but, since they have a natural aversion to hard work, they can generally be discouraged and detered. Or, put another way, encouraged to look elsewhere.

  Now I don't want you to go spreading this around, it could be bad for business, my business but let me tell you about the steps I take to protect my car.

  Inside there is a motion detector device on the dashboard, that if not disabled in 15 seconds after the door is opened, sets off an alarm. There is a steering-wheel lock in full view. There is also an ignition cut-out switch not in view. The car's registration number is sandblasted on all the windows. For the amateur car thief, what he sees is a potential nightmare. Nothing but time, work and trouble here. It adds up to something much more than an even chance of being caught due to the audible alarm and those delaying factors. The cost? Very little.

  The skilled professional would view the first three measures as no real problem at all. But the last represents serious potential damage to the car’s resale value (new windows are prohibitively expensive). But he would have to ask himself if it was worth all the effort - let alone the risk involved. The majority of car thieves, amature or professional, would simply move on and find a better, less troublesome, target!

  Oh, there's just one other thing, do dress up and personalise your car. Ask the cops to look out for a plain white Ford Falcon and the chances of recovery are pretty small because there are just too many of them. But one with I Love My Mother-in Law in big pink letters on the back window? Now that would stand out, right?

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  19

  TEMPTATION

  One of the most powerful tenets of the Lords Prayer is the one that goes '...lead us not into temptation...' For temptation plays heavily on that basic urge to do anything to survive and for many this urge is extremely difficult to resist.

  There's no doubt that if temptation could be eliminated there would be no crime, from pinching apples to stealing diamonds, or making off with another man's wife! But the odd thing about temptation is that it arises so often, not from the action of the potential thief, but from the action or inaction of the potential victim! That makes temptation so hard to eliminate or reduce by the do-gooders in our society: the Police, Neighbour Hood Wankers and so on. The truth is that much of what may be labelled as crime is often nothing more than people getting what they ask for - and deserve!

  A common and notable feature of young people today is the way they stubbonly refurse to accept the old way of doing things. They are always looking for short-cuts and the avoidance of unnecessary effort (just look at what they call dancing!). When it comes to earning the odd dollar or two they don't take too easily to the hard yakka jobs - like stripping lead of a church roof! Ask them to help you load up your van with something like a couple of dozen large TVs picked up at a wharehouse job and they don't want to know! They are even more reluctant to confront people, one on one, to lighten their wallets!

  No. They are only interested in easy money - quick money! Fortunately there are simply thousands of people out there every day now just dying to give away their hard-earned wealth! I mean people who are laid-back to the point where they habitually leave leave their cars unlocked, their car windows down and even leave keys in the ignition while they shop at the newsagents, fruit shop, or deli. Petrol servo’s are the worst place of all. Bags, briefcases, wallets, cameras - you name it, including the cars as well, are going off every day at an alarming rate!

  I can only pray that all you laid-back people out there will continue to lead us into temptation, like this. For in so doing, you will surely continue to give us us this day our daily bread, for ever and ever. Amen!

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  21

  TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE

  I see the really bad boys are at it again. That’s the louts that get us regular hard working, active all hours, guys a bad name. I mean the dreaded door-to-door opportunists, who tend to pray particularly on the dear elderly folk who are so vulnerable and have practically no chance of making up their losses.

  One guy recently was knocking on doors with the line he had a cancelled contract to carpet a big house right through and to pay his staff desperately needed to sell the now not needed carpet at a fraction of cost. Of course he couldn’t afford to get let down twice on this job so it would have to be cash up front. No money in the house? No problem, dear. I’ll run you down to the bank myself, right now.

  Now listen to me, all of you. Offers to take you down to your bank are an absolute give away. No decent, regular businessman would ever offer to do that. The offer stinks like rotten fish. It’s a warning sign from on high to push the rat out the door and bar and bolt it! And should he, spying your wonky old legs, offer to nip over to the machine and get your money out for you, well, you need to start screaming for help from friends, neighbours and any others nearby (provided you know them – never ask for help from a stranger when it involves money!). Deals that look to good to be true usually are to good to be true.

  In another case the other day, a man approached an elderly couple working in their garden. He fed the two old dears a line about admiring their handiwork and complimented them on their gardening skills. He asked innumerable questions on garden upkeep. Meanwhile his accomplice slipped in the wide-open front door and you’ve guessed it; nicked a few things they could ill afford to lose! The moral of the story is to be polite to passers-by, while keeping your doors locked and your key in your pocke
t. I know from experience that is difficult for ladies. I found that out watching my dear old neighbour inspecting her garden with her door-key in a plastic bag, of all things. So I gave her one of those lanyards you put round your neck for sports whistles and identity cards, know what I mean?

  Cheers!

  Ben Urglar

  22

  THE PHANTOM FAMILY

  I was having a beer with some late night workers I know and they were laughing and reminiscing about some of the odd people they meet in their line of business at times. Something they called THE PHANTOM FAMILY.

  One guy knocks on the door of some dear old lady to tell her how he’s noticed she has several cracked or missing tiles on her roof. Since he happens to be employed in that line of business, he kindly offers to do some roof restoration work for her on the cheap, cash-in-hand, like, on his days off. All at a Special Seniors Rate, because he likes old people; you know, that kind of thing. Usually he gets an interested if not excited response to the chance to save money. But sometimes he gets a response along the lines of: ‘Oh, yes. Wonderful. But - there’s always a “but”, could you come back tomorrow, in the late afternoon? You see my boy will be here and I’d like him to talk to you. All this building stuff is pretty much boys’ talk, right?’