by Sissy Goff
Anyway, we have this class we teach called Raising Boys and Girls. In it, we describe four different stages in a boy’s life and in a girl’s. We go back and forth—boy stage 1, girl stage 1, boy stage 2, and so on. We talk about who you are and what you need at each stage. We’ve literally taught this class thousands of times together at this point. There’s a particular story he tells in the class that I think you’ll find quite interesting.
He talks about a boy he knew who was approaching puberty. This little guy’s dad came to him, before that point, and told him all of the ways his body was going to be changing in the next few years. Then he talked about one specific thing that’s going to happen (which I am NOT going to write about here, because we’d both be embarrassed). This sweet dad said to his son, “And whenever that happens, I want you to wake me up. I don’t care if it’s the middle of the night, because I want to be excited with you. Then I’m going to take you out for a steak dinner, and we’re going to celebrate the fact that God is making you into a man.”
Don’t you love that story? What a cool dad! And I’m curious what it makes you think about you.
One day, after David and I had finished teaching our class, a woman came up and said, “I want to tell you a story. I’ve heard David talk before,” she said. “In fact, I’ve heard him tell that story about the dad who took his son out for a steak dinner. I decided I wanted to try it with my daughter.” Uh-oh. You can imagine where this is going. She said, “So I told her all about her period and the changes that were going to take place in her body. I said, ‘And honey, when that happens, we’re going to go shopping. Because I want to celebrate with you that God is making you into a woman.’” “Really, Mom?” her daughter asked. “We’re going to celebrate the fact that I’m bleeding?”
And there it is. I think something about her statement reflects something that happens inside a lot of us.
How do you feel about becoming a woman?
What does the word woman mean to you?
I asked my high school girls’ groups the same question. Do you know what their answers were?
“Uhhhhh.”
“We’re not sure.”
“I know I’m excited to be a mom.”
“I don’t mean this in a sarcastic way, but can you tell me what we are supposed to be looking forward to about becoming women?”
It’s a great question and one that I think is VERY important for us to talk about. Boys have a lot of eager anticipation about becoming men. It sounds cool to them. Being a man sounds strong and brave and like there should be this fierce, booming background music.
But for some of us, when we think about becoming women, we don’t know exactly how we feel about it. Maybe it sounds good, but it also sounds a little uncomfortable. What does it mean we get to do? Become moms, for one thing, which sounds really great. But what if you’re not a mom someday?
I believe it’s kind of like starting our periods. Yes, it’s a good thing, but there’s this little undercurrent of shame that goes along with the idea of becoming a woman too. You might have felt it. You might still feel it. I just don’t think we live with this anticipation of how amazing it’s going to be when we become women. There’s certainly no background music that goes with it. My hope is that we can change that. My hope is that we can have fierce (and at the same time lovely) music playing in the background too. That you would look forward with anticipation to becoming a woman. And I have a feeling that your moms and grandmothers and aunts and all of the other women in your life would want the same thing for you.
Why do you think there might be shame attached to the idea of becoming a woman?
Listen to this verse from the Psalms:
May our sons in their youth be like plants full grown, our daughters like corner pillars cut for the structure of a palace.
Psalm 144:12 ESV
I don’t know about you, but I’d WAY rather be a pillar than a plant. Pillars in a palace are beautiful, first of all, but they are also strong—they are charged with holding up the entire palace. You’re those things too, and I hope this book is reminding you of that. You are lovely—who God made you to be is beautiful—from the inside out. As you have heard a million times, God does not make mistakes. And there is no part of you that is one. Even if you don’t like your hair, or nose, or legs. He didn’t goof on that part. You are beautiful and wonderfully made.
You are STRONG too. Just look at what you’ve done already in this book. You’ve taught yourself cognitive-behavioral therapy. You’re beating your Worry Whisperer right and left! You’re being vulnerable and brave and fierce.
Now, let’s go back to thinking about what it means to be a woman. What’s the passage you hear about the most in reference to women? Yep. Proverbs 31. I’ve read it a million times, but today, when I read it thinking about you, something different stood out. I want you to read this passage again—the statements in parentheses are not official biblical interpretations. They’re what I would want to point out if you were sitting in my office and we were reading this passage together.
An excellent wife who can find?
(Not quite yet for you.)
She is far more precious than jewels.
(You are far more precious than jewels.)
The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of gain.
(If someone is lucky enough to marry you, God has given him a tremendous gift.)
She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.
(She’s kind and caring.)
She seeks wool and flax, and works with willing hands.
(She’s tries hard, like us.)
She is like the ships of the merchant; she brings her food from afar.
(She is also taking care of her family.)
She rises while it is yet night and provides food for her household and portions for her maidens.
(She works hard taking care of her family and friends and gets up early to make sure it’s all done.)
She considers a field and buys it; with the fruit of her hands she plants a vineyard.
(Now she owns property too.)
She dresses herself with strength and makes her arms strong.
(She’s fierce, in a lovely kind of way.)
She perceives that her merchandise is profitable.
(She’s confident.)
Her lamp does not go out at night.
(Still working hard.)
She puts her hands to the distaff, and her hands hold the spindle.
(No idea what this means. No distaffs and spindles for us.)
She opens her hand to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
(She’s compassionate and thoughtful in her care for others.)
She is not afraid of snow for her household, for all her household are clothed in scarlet.
(Again, taking good care of her family—and in style.)
She makes bed coverings for herself; her clothing is fine linen and purple.
(She’s creative and stylish herself.)
Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among the elders of the land.
(She’s well-known and respected, and so is her husband, because of her.)
She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
(Now she’s also a fashion designer and seamstress.)
Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.
(She’s playful and strong and has grace.)
She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.
(She’s wise and kind, yet again.)
She looks well to the ways of her household and does not eat the bread of idleness.
(She’s not playing around.)
Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all.”
(Yes, she has.)
Charm is deceitful, and be
auty is vain, but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her of the fruit of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates.
Proverbs 31:11–31 ESV
Seriously? This woman is like Oprah meets the local Pottery Barn owner meets the Anthropologie clothing designer. She’s what’s called an entrepreneur in our world, meaning a hardworking, creative, smart, high-achieving businesswoman. And she’s kind, while she’s at it. And she takes great care of her family and friends. She is lovely AND fierce—just like our background music.
What do you think her background music would be? What would you want yours to be?
She is what we can look forward to about being women. God has uniquely gifted us in many ways. According to a Psychology Today article, women are more appreciative of beauty and excellence, are kinder by nature, treasure close relationships, and are more naturally and outwardly grateful.1 Another study says that women are thought to be more “compassionate and empathetic” leaders.2 Just like our Proverbs 31 friend, we can do many things at once. Think about it . . . she’s a wise, thoughtful, creative, caring, strong, hardworking, doing-it-all-and-still-loved-by-her-people kind of woman. She is a pillar. I want to be her.
Quite possibly my favorite statement about her is that she can laugh at the days to come. There is so much good that God has bound up in the heart of a woman. Good that is yours now and will continue to grow as you get older. There is much to look forward to. Yes, you will have trouble, but you can take heart and laugh at the days to come. God has given you a heart that is both fierce and lovely. A heart that leads you to be pillar-like in your own way. And a heart that I know is going to make a profound difference in this world.
Taking Heart
I love this idea of taking heart. I always have. It appears several times in Scripture (including Deuteronomy 31:6 and Psalm 31:24). I think I love it because it sounds warm and strong and comforting . . . which also sounds a lot like where we’re gifted as women. The root of the phrase means to have “bold and confident courage.”3 It’s exactly what you’ve been doing throughout the pages of this book.
I don’t want taking heart to sound like pressure, though. In my mind, taking heart is not a challenge you have to work hard and rise to. It means that you get to take this bold, courageous heart that God has already placed inside of you into the world. It means you get to be an unstoppable force against the Worry Whisperer in your life. You can do it. God has already given you everything you need. And I want to remind you of just a few things that you already have and that are going to be extra important for you on this journey of fighting the Worry Whisperer. In fact, in all my years of counseling girls, I would consider these the six most important things you can take on your journey. I believe these six things together are what it means for you to take heart.
Take Community
We’ve already established that friendships are going to be hard at times. All relationships are. But we need each other. You need community. Taking heart is much easier when you’ve got others who are taking heart alongside you. Talk about your worries with a friend, with your parent, with a counselor. Don’t live in isolation in this fight against the Worry Whisperer. You need others who can cheer you on along the way. That’s what I’ve had the privilege to do throughout the pages of this book. Now I want more for you. I want you to have a few trusted people—some your age, some a little farther along on the journey. But I want you to have some folks traveling with you who know you—in other words, who you have allowed to know you. They may be hard to find. Pray. Be open to who He brings. And once you find them, remember that they won’t do it right sometimes. I remember a girl telling her mom in counseling, “I just want to be loved correctly.” We all do. We want to be loved all the time in the ways that most feel like love to us. Jesus always will. Others won’t ever get it quite right this side of heaven. But you will find a handful of people over the course of your life who will sure try. They will have the most important traits of friendship like loyalty and genuine kindness, and they will cheer you on from the sidelines. In counseling, I call them balcony friends after a book I read a long time ago that was based on Hebrews 12:1. The image is that we’ve got this group of people—people on earth and people in heaven—who are cheering us on along the way. We also have basement friends, who are trying to grab our ankles as we run, tripping us up. And as one girl your age said, we have roller coaster friends. Up and down. Up and down. You know the type.
What about you? Who are the basement friends in your life right now? Roller coaster? Balcony?
You’ll always have a few roller coaster friends. But the balcony friends are the ones who count. They’re the ones I’m talking about who are cheering you on. Who are taking heart right alongside you in their own journeys. With whom you can share your worries, and who will also bring you back to a place of truth. That’s what community—real community—is. And you only need a few heart-taking balcony friends to make up community.
Take Truth
In case you haven’t noticed, your emotions are going to be all over the place during these years. Your confidence will be too. You will feel tossed about like a little ship on a big ocean. When that happens, two things are important.
You talk to a trusted one or two or few—your community.
You always go back to a place of truth.
If you’ve ever wondered what it would be like to be a counselor, that’s it. That’s what I do every day. I get to hang out with girls and (1) hear them share their hearts and their worries and (2) help them go back to a place of truth. That truth is like an anchor. In fact, Hebrews 6:19 says, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure.” The hope this verse is referring to is God’s promise, His Word.
You are going to feel a million feelings in a day, maybe even an hour. I hope that you do. I want you to allow all of those feelings to bubble up inside of you. They’re what make you as passionate as you are. But just because you feel something doesn’t mean it’s truth. Your feelings can stir the Worry Whisperer up. It can quickly shift from “That hurt to see my friends together on social media when I wasn’t invited” to “They don’t want me there” to “They don’t even want to be my friends anymore” to “I don’t have any friends.” Feelings can turn into untruths very quickly. We won’t say lies, really . . . they’re more like imaginings, as a friend of mine calls them. It’s imagining based on what worry is whispering in that moment. Then our emotions get even more stirred up because we’re interpreting those imaginings as truth. Our cortex is scaring our amygdala, to go back to Anxiety Brain 101.
Let yourself feel. Talk about it. Journal. Paint or draw. As we talked about, those feelings need to come out. But then I want you to go back to a place of truth. This is where friends come in. Or your mom. Or someone like me. You want someone who will listen first, and then say, “Now tell me what is true.” In the above scenario, the truth might be, “Well, I might not be their first friend. But I know they invite me sometimes. I have other first friends. Ella always invites me. She is my balcony friend. And I’m certain that Jesus loves me always. He’s sure chosen me.” Truth. Truth comforts us and helps us have courage. Truth helps us take heart.
My favorite truths are verses I love. Sometimes, when I can’t think of anything else true, I’ll go back to those, whether they’re about worry or about how much God loves me. The Bible, as you might remember from Sunday school, is called a sword several times in Scripture. Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart” (ESV). In The Message, it says, “Nothing and no one is impervious to God’s Word. We can’t get away from it—no matter what.” That nothing and no one includes the Worry Whisperer. Hymns and worship songs help me too, as they’re filled with rich truth.
We all need truth. My friend David says that feelings are like l
ittle children. You don’t want to stuff them in the trunk (ignored), but you don’t want to let them drive the car either. The safest place for them to be is strapped into the back seat. Truth helps you do that. Your emotions are important, but they don’t have the most power. Truth does. Next time your feelings are swirling about and dragging you around with them, anchor yourself with truth. What are three truths you can go back to right now? They can be about you or about something you’ve learned from God’s Word that feels especially important today.
Great job! Continue to take truth with you as an anchor on this journey. It will strengthen your faith, and it will strengthen that lovely, fierce heart of yours too.
Take Gratitude
Hopetown has to be one of the most grateful places in the world. It’s probably our most important rule with the kids, other than being kind. Whether it’s someone who’s cooked you a meal or pulled you behind a boat on a tube or let you go before them to get dinner, we say “thank you” constantly. Years and years ago, someone told me something I’ll never forget: “Satan can’t live in a thankful heart.” Let’s go back to our secret name for the Worry Whisperer. Yep. There’s an anchoring truth for you. The Worry Whisperer is stripped of his power when your heart is full of gratitude. In fact, that’s something I read in my research too—gratitude and worry cannot coexist. It’s impossible. You can’t be anxious and grateful at the same time. Try it. It’s one or the other.
And get this: Gratitude produces more serotonin in your brain, which, you remember, is referred to as the “happy chemical.” Serotonin elevates your mood, reduces depression, and regulates anxiety.
What are five things you’re grateful for right now?
I know friends who practice gratitude together, reminding each other of what they’re grateful for. I know families who practice gratitude around the dinner table. I also know girls your age who have entire journals devoted to gratitude, practicing a little each day. Practice is an important word here. Gratitude isn’t the natural inclination of our hearts—most of us don’t wake up grateful in the morning. But we get better at what we practice. Practice gratitude. It will be important in your fight against the Worry Whisperer. It will help you feel better and take heart. I believe that gratitude not only helps us in the moment, but transforms us into more grateful and less anxious people.
