The Army Doc's Baby Secret

by Charlotte Hawkes

  ‘You already knew all of that. You knew that I was desperate to get out of Westlake. You knew why I joined the army and then the Royal Marines. You knew that my military career was all I had.’

  ‘It wasn’t all you had, though,’ Tia burst out. ‘That’s what I’m trying to say but you keep refusing to hear me. You had me. You just didn’t want me enough.’

  She twisted around so he couldn’t see the shameful tears threatening to spill over. Still, his harsh reply was like a dagger to her back.

  ‘That’s bull.’

  It took her a few moments to steady herself. Another few to turn around and face him.

  ‘We were young, and stupid,’ she offered shakily. It sounded feeble but it was simpler than the whole story, and it had the benefit of at least being true. ‘In real terms we barely even knew each other. I mean, what were we thinking, running off to get married like that? I was only just eighteen, you weren’t even twenty.’

  ‘We thought we were in love.’

  And there was the truth, in those little words. Thought we were. Not simply were. Even though she knew he was right, it still hurt.

  ‘We were selfish. And cruel.’

  ‘You mean I was,’ he corrected bitterly. ‘Because my old man didn’t give a damn about anything I did, and I took you even though I knew that you did have a father who cared.’

  ‘I mean we were. I certainly don’t remember you strong-arming me into anything. In fact, I seem to recall it was my idea. I thought it was romantic and daring.’

  His jaw clenched in a way that was achingly familiar, and Tia would have given anything to know what he was thinking in that instant.

  ‘Still,’ he ground out eventually. ‘We made sure you went to uni. I went back to my training. We weren’t completely irresponsible.’

  ‘Do you realise that in those ten years of our marriage, when we weren’t separated, we saw each other less than fifteen months? Out of one hundred and twenty months?’

  ‘You’re rewriting history.’ His eyes glittered coldly from all the way across the room. ‘We were living our lives, but we were still together.’

  ‘I don’t think it’s me who’s rewriting things.’ She shook her head, warning herself to stay strong. To tell him even half the things she’d imagined telling him these past years. ‘I once calculated it.’

  ‘Calculated what?’

  She breathed deeply, and in that moment she didn’t care if he realised how low she must have been at one time, to work it out.

  ‘I calculated that we, in fact, saw each other less than four hundred and fifty days out of over three thousand, six hundred and fifty.’

  He blinked, as though taking it in for a moment. His expression darkening.

  ‘I don’t recall you complaining much at the time.’

  ‘No, because it was like a protracted honeymoon every time we saw each other, Zeke. Thrilling and wonderful, filled with passion.’

  ‘And thrilling was a problem?’

  ‘Yes!’ She threw her arms into the air, as though that could somehow articulate her point better than her words could. ‘Because there was nothing remotely realistic about it. We weren’t like normal couples who live together and get to know each other’s quirks and foibles. Who argue over putting the washing out, or whose turn it is to cook, or whether the toilet seat should be up or down.’

  ‘Seriously?’

  ‘You can scoff—’ she shook her head at him ‘—but you know I’m right. We didn’t really know each other at all. We were in love with the idealistic image of the kids who had once fallen for each other. We certainly had no real knowledge of the people we were growing into. Of how our careers, our experiences, were moulding us. You can’t really tell me you don’t see that.’

  She peered at him incredulously, those blue eyes holding hers with such authority. But then it hit her, the realisation that he knew exactly what she was saying. That he agreed.

  They didn’t know each other at all.

  It was one thing to know the truth on an intellectual level. It was quite another to see it reflected so clearly in Zeke’s gaze.

  She faltered, stepping backwards as though she’d been dealt a physical blow. The silence closed in again, and this time a bleakness came with it. She felt as though she were a thin plastic bag caught in a squall, blown this way and that.

  ‘None of which explains why you didn’t tell me that you were pregnant,’ he said suddenly, breaking through the water that was filling her mind and causing her to resurface. ‘Why you’ve kept my son from me for four years.’

  ‘Zeke.’

  ‘It’s funny how the problems of our protracted honeymoon, as you called it, only imposed themselves when you realised that my career as a soldier—the thing which had attracted you to me all those years before—was over.’

  That wasn’t how it had happened but her frustration, and her fears, overtook her.

  ‘My God, Zeke. I was a teenage girl. Show me a teenage girl who isn’t swept up by the idea of a strong, good-looking lad intent on becoming some kind of heroic soldier and saving lives? And your monstrous father was what drove you on to be better, and better. It was your way to change who you were and make a difference in the world.’

  ‘And you loved that,’ he sneered.

  ‘As a kid...’ she heard the desperation in her voice as it rang out ‘...not as an adult. By the time I was a trauma doctor with several tours under my belt, I knew the reality wasn’t anywhere near so poetic.’

  ‘So what is the reality, Tia?’

  ‘That nothing would ever be enough for you. You were a maverick, Zeke. Your entire squad was. That was why you got the kind of missions that no one else could ever handle. I may not have known what they were, but I heard the whispers. I knew the rumours.’

  ‘Yet you stayed with me,’ he pointed out. ‘Because you wanted to be with me. I wasn’t just an average bloke you could have met in your student union, I was a marine, and then SBS. I was living life at maximum velocity and you loved that.’

  ‘I was terrified of that,’ Tia said quietly. Firmly. ‘But I loved you. So I accepted that was who you were. Someone who had to keep pushing himself, risking his life, because that was how you had come to define yourself. You guys thought you were invincible, and sometimes you even managed to convince me that you were, too. But then reality would set in, and fear. So, no, Zeke, I didn’t love it. That last year in particular I watched you walk out the door and expected never to see you again.’

  ‘Then you must have been thanking your lucky stars that I released you from the responsibility of being my wife when I got injured.’

  His voice was full of such bitterness and loathing that it clawed inside Tia’s chest. She didn’t realise she’d sunk onto the rug until she felt the soft material gripped in her hands.

  ‘You really want to know what I thought when you got injured?’ she whispered hoarsely, barely recognising her own voice. Every fibre of her being screaming at her to stop talking.

  ‘Why not?’ He laughed. A hollow, empty sound. ‘It can’t be any worse than anything I imagined.’

  She swallowed. Sucked in a deep breath. Swallowed again.

  ‘A part of me was relieved,’ she managed eventually. So quietly that she wasn’t initially sure he’d heard her. But the tense silence in the room told her otherwise. ‘A part of me knew that this was the end of your military career—I knew you’d never stay in just to fly a desk—and I was so thankful that I wouldn’t have to be scared for you any more.’

  ‘You were glad I was injured,’ he echoed. Dark, sharp, lethal.

  ‘No,’ she cried, then shrugged helplessly. ‘Not exactly. But at least you weren’t dead. At least you were still...with me. I thought...maybe...at last...we could finally give our marriage a proper try. But instead, you hated me, you made that abundantly clear. I was the
one who had taken your leg and you couldn’t forgive me for it.’

  He wanted to argue, that much was obvious. He opened his mouth to. But suddenly he couldn’t.

  It was little comfort.

  She had been right. He’d hated her. Not as much as he’d no doubt hated himself, of course.

  ‘You still kept Seth from me,’ he choked out at last, but at least he was directing his pain and rage towards her, rather than inward as he might have done during their marriage. Or at least, proper marriage.

  He might be mad at her, but he wasn’t shutting her out. Surely that had to be a start?

  ‘You had to have known you were pregnant. You would have had every opportunity to tell me. You didn’t. You deliberately concealed it. I might have pushed you away, but you were still the one who left. Taking my unborn baby with you.’

  ‘It wasn’t like that. I left for both our sakes, Zeke,’ she repeated, her voice softer now that she could see he wasn’t going to argue with her. ‘And for Seth’s sake. But please believe me, I never intended to stay away this long.’

  He didn’t answer, but the expression on his face warned her that he didn’t believe her.

  ‘I promise you that I always imagined I’d find you and tell you.’

  ‘When?’ Zeke cut in. ‘When our son turned eighteen? Got married? Had a family of his own?’

  The challenge was clear, but if she hadn’t known better, she might have thought she’d heard the briefest of hesitations. As if he might have been on the edge of believing her. As if he had just softened, ever so fractionally, before her eyes.

  Not so much that a stranger might notice it, of course. This was Zeke, after all. But she noticed. And it caught her off guard.

  But then he shut down on her again, and she knew she must have imagined it.

  ‘You know what, Tia? Forget I asked. I think there have been enough revelations for one night, don’t you?’

  ‘I...’ She faltered.

  ‘I need time to think. Feel free to leave.’

  He stood up, and Tia found herself scrambling to her feet in echo.

  ‘We will discuss this further.’ Whether he was issuing a threat or a promise, she couldn’t be sure. ‘I’ll come to Delburn Bay when I have a solution.’

  Why was he being so cold? What had changed? A chill crept over her skin.

  ‘A solution?’

  ‘Don’t disappear,’ he continued as if she hadn’t even spoken. ‘And if you do find your own place, make sure your father knows to tell me exactly where that is. I don’t intend to have to come searching for you. Or my son.’

  He had her halfway out of the door and into her car before she could protest. The darkness of night and whipping wind catching her unawares.

  How long had they been in his house? The storm that had been raging way out at sea was clearly beginning to move closer.

  ‘Your motorbike...?’ she yelled above the roar.

  ‘I’ll collect it another time. I have a car for the meantime.’ She followed the jerk of his head towards a sleek double garage more than heard his words. But then he was slamming her door and walking away. Barely stopping to call over his shoulder. ‘Goodbye, Tia.’

  Mutely, she obeyed, sliding her car fob into the central console and pressing the ignition button and moving inexorably off the drive. She couldn’t fight him. She didn’t even understand what she was fighting.

  Tia was already out of Westlake and on the route home when her mobile rang.

  Was it Zeke? Calling to tell her he’d changed his mind?

  Dammit, why hadn’t she connected to Bluetooth?

  Pulling over into a layby, Tia fumbled through her bag, the phone seeming to slip elusively away from her each time. She certainly wasn’t prepared for her father to be calling, asking her if she was okay.

  ‘I’m fine. I’m on my way home, why?’

  ‘That’s good,’ his reassuring voice crackled over the connection. ‘As long as you’re safe.’

  ‘What is it?’ she asked, unable to shake the sense of disquiet.

  ‘It’s nothing. I’ll see you when you get back here. Drive safely, and if the weather gets too bad, stop at a motel for the night.’

  ‘What’s going on, Dad?’ It took all her effort to keep her voice calm. ‘Please. Tell me.’

  And then she listened as her father reluctantly told her that there had been a major incident at sea and that both Westlake and Delburn Bay lifeboat stations had been called on to attend. They would assist with a search and rescue helicopter already flying out to the scene.

  Tia didn’t think twice. She confirmed that her father was happy to look after Seth for the night, and then she terminated the call, turning her car around and heading back into Westlake.

  If there was a shout now, then Zeke was heading out to it. And after the conversation they’d just had—the emotional state his head must surely be in—she couldn’t just leave it at that.

  She had to be there. She had to know he was safe.

  Whatever that said about the way things were between them, now wasn’t the time to worry about it.

  CHAPTER FIVE

  TIA CLUTCHED THE cool resin countertop of the lifeboat station’s compact kitchen and waited for Albert—a volunteer who had been at the station from even before she herself had started there aged a mere fifteen—to terminate the radio call and update them. The last few hours had been unbearable, without a single reprieve, and the atmosphere amongst the other volunteers left behind, concerned for their colleagues and feeling helpless, was sombre, at best.

  Her only consolation was the fact that Albert had been so absorbed with the shout that he hadn’t had a chance to do more than look shocked at her arrival, then hug her tightly, before focussing in on the emergency.

  He certainly hadn’t had time to ask her any questions, or, worse, reminisce about the good old days when her mother had been a coxswain and her father the medical officer.

  As the old man plodded heavily into the room her heart hammered in her chest, and she fought to try to calm herself.

  Even as she had arrived at the station it had been scant relief to hear that the initial report had said that a cargo ship had been slightly listing as a result of some of the hundreds of containers on deck that had shifted in the violent storms. The treacherous conditions at sea had meant that it would most likely take hours before the Delburn and Westlake lifeboats—who had been asked to attend in support of the rescue helicopter taking the lead for the incident—reached the scene.

  Now, a few hours later, they were still waiting for news. A temporary loss of radio communications had only heightened the tension all round. Albert cleared his throat, his steadfast, calm voice belied only by the strained lines around his eyes.

  ‘It seems the situation has degenerated. There’s about a five-metre swell out there, which has caused the cargo to slide further and made the ship list to such an extent that the portside rails had become submerged. They’ve lost power and at least two of their crew are already injured.’

  ‘Our guys won’t reach them in time,’ someone muttered, concerned.

  ‘Zeke has increased his speed to twenty knots to try to ensure that they do.’ Albert’s frown deepened.

  As the murmurs rippled around the room, Tia’s grip tightened. As did the fist around her heart. But she couldn’t speak. Couldn’t even utter a sound.

  ‘They’ll never make it.’

  ‘Those seas will be mountainous; the lifeboat will be tossed around like it’s a kid’s bath toy.’

  ‘They’ll be airborne more than they’re in the damned water. They’re more likely to injure themselves just getting there than anything else.’

  Silence reigned for a moment.

  ‘It’s typical Zeke, though, ain’t it?’

  ‘Well, if anyone can do it, he can.’

>   ‘Yeah. If you want someone coming in for you, it’d be him. And his crew.’

  She wanted to scream, and shout, and tell them what did that matter if he got himself killed in the process? How did she tell her son? How did she even begin to get him to understand? Especially when she barely understood it herself.

  But she didn’t say a word. She couldn’t. And still, the fears encircled her.

  It was pitch black out there; even with the lifeboat’s searchlights the lads wouldn’t be able to see when the waves were coming at them. Ready to hit them. She could only imagine them holding on tightly as they felt their Atlantic class boat climbing each swell, bracing for the moment they plummeted down the other side, smashing back into the unforgiving sea.

  That was if they weren’t tossed right out of the water altogether. Spun over. Capsized.

  A wave of nausea built inside her.

  Most of her knew that he would never risk the lives of his crew members. Never. But there was that tiny, fearful part of her that knew that the night of his accident had changed him fundamentally. He’d lived but two of his buddies had died.

  Tia swallowed hard. Zeke would trade his life for either of theirs in an instant because he didn’t value his life enough. His monster of a father had made sure that Zeke had never really known how to value himself at all.

  And that was the knowledge that scared her most.

  The wait for more news seemed interminable. And then it came through, and Tia almost wished it hadn’t.

  Zeke and his crew had arrived as the rescue helicopter was trying to get into position to winch up the men from the cargo vessel, one by one. But the wind had been relentless, buffeting the helicopter time and again, and the sea rolling with such power that it had almost smashed the container ship into the helicopter several times. There was no way this wasn’t going to end in tragedy.

  And so the terrible decision had been made to pull the helicopter back, leaving the crew on board, preparing to abandon ship. Their only choice to leap into the raging waters and pray that the lifeboats would be able to pull them out before they drowned or were slammed into their own ship.