by Zoey Gong
I hear a dog bark and realize I have been gone far too long. Suyin is sure to stir at some point. Hopefully the pillows will deceive her into believing I am still there, but I should still return as soon as possible.
I run down the alley back toward the Forbidden City, back to the place in the wall where I fell from the tree. From next to a house, I look left and right, checking for guards. When the coast is clear, I have a sickening realization.
I didn’t plan on getting back inside!
I had been so focused on getting out, I didn’t think about how I would return. It must be impossible to scale the wall from the outside, otherwise we wouldn’t be safe on the inside. I’m such an idiot! What now? It would probably be better for me to just leave. I’m out, so why go back inside to a life I hate? But what would I do instead? I have no money, no food, no clothes, and nowhere to go. Mingxia would certainly not take me in.
If I was able to get out of the Forbidden City, perhaps I can find a way back inside. I shouldn’t have been able to get out. So even though the wall should be secure from the outside, perhaps I can find a way through.
I look left and right again, checking for the guards. Then, my eyes scan the wall from top to bottom. I can see my tree peeking over the top, too high for me to ever reach. The wall appears smooth with nothing I could use for handholds. I rub my head as I try to think. Scaling the wall itself is surely impossible, so I must consider another way in.
The obvious way into the Forbidden City would be through the gates. But those are sure to be the most heavily guarded areas. I try to recall if there are any other openings in the wall.
The streams!
Countless streams wind through the Forbidden City, some quite wide, requiring expansive bridges to cross. The water must flow in and out somehow, somewhere. I try to recall where I have seen streams flowing through or under the wall.
I walk along the wall, trying to figure out where on the other side my palace is. From there, I can orient myself and try to recall where the largest streams are. They must flow out of the Forbidden City to the canals dug around the city.
But this is not as easy as it seems. From here, I cannot tell where my palace is, and before I know it, I am at the end of the row. I gasp when I see the guards carrying their lanterns walking toward me. I turn and run back along the wall. Lights emerge from the other end as more guards complete their walk around the palace wall in that direction.
I’m about to run back to the hutongs when a small gate in the wall opens and a man steps out. I’m frozen in fear, and he looks at me with wide eyes, scanning me from head to foot.
“What are you—”
“Help me!” I whisper, grabbing his robe. He recoils at first, as though shocked I dared to touch him, but I don’t give up. “Please, help me! I must get back into the Forbidden City!” I have no idea who he is. I have never seen him before. But since he is coming out of the palace, he must be a high-ranking eunuch.
“What?” he asks, still seeming to not understand my plight, but I do not have time to explain it.
“Please!” I hiss. “I’ll be killed!”
The man looks around me, up and down the wall at the approaching guards. Perhaps I was a fool to say something, to ask for help. I should have kept running, left it all behind. He is more likely to turn me in than help me.
“Come on,” he says, grabbing my arm and pulling me close to him, wrapping a protective arm around me. He leads me back through the gate.
“Sir?” I hear a male voice say, but the man who is helping me hides my face.
“Close the gate,” the man orders without stopping.
“Yes, sir!” I hear the gate close and latch and feel some relief. But it is short-lived. In revealing myself to this stranger, I am sure I have put myself in great danger.
The man continues to hold me close, protecting my face from anyone catching a glimpse of who I am. Finally, we come to a stop and he releases me, pushing me against a wall. I open my eyes and glance around. I can see the empress’s audience hall, so I can easily find my way home from here.
“Thank you,” I say through heavy breaths.
“Who are you?” he asks.
I burst into tears. “I am so stupid! How could I be so stupid!” I hide my face in my hands and only want to sink to the ground and sleep forever. I should just kill myself and be done with it.
After a few moments, the man places his hand on my shoulder. “It’s all right.”
I stop crying enough to look up at him and see a kind face. He gives me a reassuring smile. It’s a nice smile. He has nice eyes too. His nose is slim and there is a dimple in one of his cheeks. For a fleeting moment I think how unfortunate it is that he is a eunuch.
“My name is…Lihua,” I say. “I’m a sixth-rank concubine.”
His eyes go wide again and he drops his hand from my shoulder. “A concubine? I thought maybe you were a maid who got herself locked out. But…a concubine? How did you even get out?”
“I climbed a tree,” I say. “Getting out was the easy part.”
“The easy part?” he says incredulously. He stares at me for another minute, and then he starts to laugh. “You are…certainly not like any concubine I’ve met before.”
“I’m sure the others are not as stupid as I am,” I say. “I was able to get out, but I didn’t plan for how to get back in.”
“But why did you leave at all? If you were running away, why did you come back?”
“I wasn’t running away,” I say. “I just…missed my family.”
“Oh,” he says with a knowing nod. “I can see why that would be difficult for you.”
We stand quietly for a moment. I am sure he has a hundred more questions for me, and I am waiting for him to demand a payment for saving my life.
“How were they?” he asks, and I’m so surprised by the question it takes me a moment to reply.
“Umm…gone. They were gone.”
“Hmm,” he says thoughtfully. “Well, I hope you see them again someday.”
This man is so strange. I don’t understand why he is being nice to me. Why he is comforting me. Another tear escapes my eye and I wipe my cheek.
“I should be getting back before I am missed,” I say. “Thank you for helping me. If you ever need anything in return, do ask.”
The man laughs, as if the idea that I could ever help him is preposterous, which I’m sure it is. “I’m just glad I was there to help. I shudder to think of what could have happened if you had been caught.”
“I was foolish, I know. Stupid. I’ll never do anything like that again, I promise.”
He looks at me as if he wishes to say something else but cannot. I feel the same way. For some reason, I feel safe in his presence. As if I could unburden my heart to him. But I have already acted foolishly once tonight. I know better than to put myself at risk again.
“You should go,” he finally says.
I nod and take a slow step away, half expecting him to change his mind and pull me back, making some sort of demand of me. But I take another step, and another. He doesn’t stop me, but neither does he take his eyes off of me. I nearly trip when I reach the edge of a paved pathway. He chuckles and whatever spell he had cast over me is broken. I turn and rush away before I can change my own mind. When I reach my palace I have to stop and catch my breath. Blessed relief washes over me as I realize how close to death I came.
I start to go inside the palace, but then remember my clothes. I go back to the tree and remove my maid’s clothes and silk slippers. I put on my sleeping robe and gather the other clothes together. I can’t tell just how clean or dirty they are in the dark, but I can’t take any chances. On my way back to my palace, I stop by a well and throw the clothes and shoes into it. The grass around the well is already forming dew as I silently sneak back to my palace.
By the time I reach my room, the sky is beginning to lighten, and I can see Suyin beginning to stir. I rush across the room and try to slip into bed, but s
he rubs her eyes and sits up.
“My lady?” she asks, still groggy. “Do you need something?”
“No,” I whisper. “I was thirsty, but I am fine now. Go back to sleep.”
“You rest,” she says, growing more wakeful. “It is time for me to get up anyway.” She climbs down from the bed and kicks Jinhai as she passes him to fill the kettle and place it over a small fire. Jinhai groans and rolls over to get a few more minutes of sleep.
I pull the blanket around me and face the wall, willing my heart to stop beating so loudly. I should feel relieved. Victorious even. How many other girls have managed to sneak out and back into the Forbidden City without being caught?
Though I was caught, wasn’t I? If I hadn’t met that man, that eunuch, I would surely have been discovered. The emperor would never believe I had snuck out to see my family, especially since my only family is supposed to be Mingxia. He would think I had gone to see a man, a lover, and I would have been put to death.
I should have run away, I suppose, as soon as I realized that I had no way to get back into the Forbidden City. I have survived on very little for most of my life. Facing life on the streets without a coin to my name should have been very easy for me. But I panicked. Or perhaps I have become pampered and spoiled in my time here. I have so much food to eat, a soft bed, warm clothes. I have servants and friends. What more could I ask for?
I suppose one day, I might want more. A husband and children of my own. But for now, I have all I need and more than I could ever want. I must learn to be content in my new life. Forget my family. Forget Daiyu. Forget freedom. Does a fish born in a pond long for the sea? Certainly not. How can it long for something that it does not know exists? The world outside the red walls no longer exists for me.
I am a fish in a red pond.
15
Suyin quickly notices that my shoes and outfit are missing. I just shrug. She blames the girls in the laundry for either ruining the clothes and getting rid of them or stealing them.
“I’m sure whatever happened to them was an accident,” I say. “Just let it go.”
She presses her lips and looks away, folding my laundry angrily. I’m sure she will find someone to take the blame. I feel bad that some poor laundry maid is going to pay for my mistake, but I don’t know what else I can do without revealing what I’ve done, so I sit quietly with my mouth shut.
“Greetings, most gracious ladies!” The chief eunuch for household affairs, Fiyanggu, steps into the entry hall and bends down on one knee. The other girls rush out to see what he has to say, but I linger near the door to my room. It is a rare thing for Fiyanggu to come to our palace in person instead of sending a messenger.
“Greetings, Fiyanggu,” Chaoxing, one of the other concubines in our shared house, says. He might only be a eunuch and a servant, but he holds enough power that all of us know to be polite. “What have you come to tell us?”
He stands. “The emperor is hosting a birthday celebration for his brother tomorrow, and you are all to be in attendance.”
The other girls all shriek and hop up and down in excitement. For those of us not summoned to the emperor’s bed, we rarely have opportunity to see the emperor. I have seen him on occasion in the inner court, where we reside, but only from a distance. He is usually there to visit the empress or his mother, and he will walk with them in the garden. I have seen many concubines use such occasions to try and get the emperor’s attention. They will trip and fall in his path or send their little dogs running to him. Sometimes the ruse works, and the emperor will be smitten by the pretty thing, inviting her to his bed not long after that. But most girls just end up looking foolish. Still, I think that Suyin and Jinhai have been disappointed that I have not tried to find a way into the emperor’s good graces. I have not offered any bribes or tripped in his path. I understand why they are frustrated. They can only rise as high as I do—and I am content to stay where I am while they are much more ambitious.
“Tomorrow, after your morning greetings to the empress, you will all travel to the Summer Palace, Yuanming Yuan, for a great feast and entertainment,” Fiyanggu explains.
Everyone—concubine and servant alike—dances and laughs with joy, and I have to join with them. The Summer Palace is west of Peking and is much larger than the Forbidden City, if you can believe it. It is said to be the most beautiful place in the world. Along the river, the palace has hundreds of palaces and endless acres of gardens. However, it is rather remote, far from the city, so the emperor must live at the Forbidden City most of the time to rule his empire.
“He sends you all a gift in honor of the prince.” Fiyanggu waves his hand and four more eunuchs step forward, each carrying a small box, which they present to each of us. I scan their faces, looking for the young man who saved my life, but I don’t see him. I have looked for him every day to no avail.
I open the box to find a blue cloisonne butterfly hairpin. I notice that the other girls have the same hairpin, but each is a different color.
“What is the significance of the butterfly?” I ask, and the other girls look at me as if it is a stupid question. But since we were all given butterflies, there must be some meaning to it.
“Very observant,” Fiyanggu says. “The prince’s mother was named Hudie, after the butterfly. She died when he was very young, so he honors her at every opportunity. He is quite fond of butterflies. The emperor wishes to surround his brother with butterflies at his birthday dinner.”
“That is so kind,” I say, and I think the emperor must love his brother very much. I am sure my husband is an interesting man who I will never have the chance to know better.
“The emperor is very close to his brother, Prince Honghui,” Fiyanggu says. “It is a great honor for all of you to make his acquaintance.”
The other girls sigh and get dreamy looks on their faces, and I suppose they must be dreaming that tomorrow is the day that their luck will change. I must admit that I am looking forward to the festivities. Not because of the emperor, but just for the change of pace.
Chaoxing steps forward and places a coin in Fiyanggu’s hand so smoothly, I almost don’t notice it.
“Is there anything else you can tell us about the emperor?” she asks, fishing for information.
Fiyanggu gives a small bow to her. “No, my lady.” Chaoxing pouts since she just wasted a coin. I wonder if Fiyanggu truly has no more information to give or if the bribe simply wasn’t large enough. Fiyanggu then dismisses himself to inform the ladies in the next palace of their honored invitation.
“This is so exciting!” Eumeh says. “We will finally see the emperor!”
“We must wear our best clothes!” Chaoxing says. “And the largest headdresses.”
My neck starts to ache at the very thought.
“Our dresses should match the hairpins,” Lian, the third roommate, says.
“That’s a good idea,” Chaoxing says, then she gasps. “I don’t have a lavender qipao!”
“I have one,” Eumeh says, and the three of them head to Eumeh’s rooms to plan for tomorrow. I must admit, I do feel a little left out. I don’t know why the other girls don’t like me, but I haven’t made an effort to be friendly either. I do at least have Wangli and Yanmei. I’m sure they will be here soon enough to discuss tomorrow’s outing.
“This is a great opportunity,” Suyin says when we are back in my room. “A chance for the emperor to see you. You must make a good impression.”
“You think I will stand out among all the other shining jewels that will be there?” I ask, slumping into a chair. Tomorrow is going to be exhausting. I should probably go to bed now so I will have enough energy to get through the day.
“You always doubt your own beauty,” Suyin says. “But, no, I do not think beauty will be enough to stand out.”
“What would you suggest?” I ask and then immediately regret it. I don’t want to stand out; I want to blend in!
“The feast is to honor Prince Honghui,” she says. “
But all the concubines will be focused on the emperor. I think the emperor would appreciate it if you honored the prince. You should give him a gift.”
I consider this. It’s a good plan. The other concubines will be so focused on the emperor that they will ignore the guest of honor. That is sure to displease the emperor, who clearly loves his brother. By honoring the prince myself, the emperor is sure to be pleased.
But I don’t want to please the emperor. If I get too close to him, someone is bound to discover that I am not who I claim to be. The emperor could discover it simply by the way I speak or act. Or another concubine, in her jealousy, could try to discredit me and somehow stumble upon the truth. I don’t want to make any enemies by attracting the attentions of the emperor.
“Perhaps it would be improper,” I suggest, “if I were to give a gift to a man who is not my husband.”
“Only if the gift was expensive or extravagant,” Jinhai says. “But something small and thoughtful would be accepted as an innocent gift from a wife to her brother-in-law.”
I squirm. I truly do not wish to stand out, but I can see that Suyin and Jinhai are set on the idea. And it is a good plan. If I refuse, that would surely be more suspicious. After all, it is supposed to be my great desire to become the bedmate of the emperor, the mother of his children.
“What would you suggest?” I ask.
The next day is a flurry of activity. The Summer Palace is several miles away, and we will apparently stay for a week, so almost all of our belongings must be packed into trunks to be carried on donkey carts to the palace.
The ride to the Summer Palace is hot and painful. The wooden carriage has a flat floor, so I must sit cross-legged. There are several layers of silks and furs, but it is still uncomfortable. Once the cart starts moving, I am tossed from side to side. Pillows keep me from bruising myself, but I am still jostled like a sack of potatoes. What’s worse, the brocade curtains do not let any breeze pass through, so it is terribly hot, and it is already autumn. I am grateful we did not attempt this journey while it was still summer. Jinhai and Suyin are not allowed to ride in the cart with me, but must walk the entire distance! By the time we reach the Summer Palace, I nearly fall out of my carriage, little more than a pile of goo.
