by Zoey Gong
“Will you please visit me soon? I miss you both so much.”
They look at each other and then their faces soften at me.
“We have been rather unkindly lately,” Yanmei says. “And jealousy is a most unbecoming feature in a woman. Why don’t we have lunch together, then I can show you the paintings I’ve been working on.”
I’m so excited I nearly accept right away, but then I remember that the emperor wanted me by his side today and my face falls.
“I’m sorry, I can’t today,” I say.
“Why not?” Wangli asks. “Are you very busy during the day as well?”
“The emperor wants me by his side during audiences today…to keep him from being too bored.”
Wangli’s eyes narrow and Yanmei looks near to tears.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything,” I try, but Wangli is not having any of it. She grabs Yanmei’s arm and tugs her away toward the empress’s audience hall. I try not to notice the other women staring and laughing.
“Ignore them,” Suyin says. “She is only punishing herself by eating vinegar.”
I know Suyin is right. There is no reason for anyone to be jealous of me. I am the favorite today, but tomorrow it could be someone else. Even now, the emperor does not see me exclusively. I know that on nights he does not send for me he has sent for another woman. And I didn’t ask for this. Wangli knows that. Does she forget how we met? When she was weeping in my garden, just as sad as I was at being chosen. I wonder what has changed to make her so jealous.
I am so lost in my thoughts, I don’t realize that I almost step in front of Lady An, but Suyin pulls me back—but not before Lady An notices.
“How dare you try to walk in front of me?” Lady An snaps. I drop down to one knee.
“I am so sorry, Lady An. I did not see you. I would never knowingly disrespect you.”
“You should be punished for your insolence!” she says, stomping her foot, and my heart races. It is within her right to punish me, and the punishments meted out within the harem can be severe, from the loss of servants or a palace or even a physical beating. I am not sure why Lady An is so angry with me, but I dare not ask.
“I humble myself before you, my lady,” I say. “I’m sure you are right.”
“What is going on?” I look up and see that the empress has stepped out of the audience hall and walked to us.
“This concubine insulted me!” Lady An says. “She needs to be punished.”
“It was an accident,” I try to explain to the empress. “I did not see her. But that does not excuse my disrespect, and I am truly sorry.”
“See!” Lady An says. “The concubine admits it!”
“She is not a concubine,” the empress says, her voice even. “She’s a consort.”
“A rank four,” Lady An says, and I can hear her voice wavering. “She owes me her respect.”
“Yes,” the empress says. “I will take care of her.”
I feel faint. The empress could even have me put to death if my transgression was serious enough. What I did was not bad enough for that, I am sure, but still, she could make my life very difficult.
“Inside, everyone,” the empress announces. “I shall deal with her later,” she tells Lady An. Lady An stammers and stomps her foot again, but she then does as the empress orders and takes her place within the audience hall. Suyin pulls me to my feet.
“What was that about?” she mutters. I shake my head.
“I have no idea,” I say. “Could she possibly be jealous too? But she is a rank three. The mother of the emperor’s daughter.”
Suyin shakes her head. “But he has not called her to his bed for years,” she whispers.
“Years?” I ask, bewildered. Suyin nods and leads me to my seat, which has been moved closer to the empress—as befitting my station. I can see Lady An from here, and the way her lips are pressed together tightly.
Years? I don’t understand it. If she fell pregnant once, she could do so again. She is also a rank three. It is his duty to give her precedence. Why would the emperor neglect her so?
We all greet the empress, the dowager, and then Lady An. I do my best to avoid her gaze. After the empress dismisses us, she orders me to stay behind. When everyone else is gone, I kneel before her.
“I await your decision, your majesty,” I say.
“Do not worry,” the empress says. “I have no plan to punish you. Your offense was an accident, I know.”
“Thank you, your majesty,” I say, tears escaping my eyes. The empress stands up.
“Walk with me,” she commands. I get to my feet and follow behind her out of the audience hall. We go past the sedan chair that I know the emperor sent for me, but I cannot disobey the empress any more than I can disobey him. The empress motions for the servants to stay back so we may converse privately.
“The emperor tells me that you have served him well,” the empress says, and I blush. Do they really speak of such private matters?
“I have done my best, your majesty,” I say.
“You must realize that this is only a temporary situation, do you not?”
“Of course,” I say. “I am grateful for the favor he has shown to me, but I am only one consort of many. I have no expectations of him.”
“Good,” she says. We stop next to a lotus pond and she lays a hand on her stomach. “Because things are sure to change dramatically around here.”
It takes me a moment to realize how round her stomach is under her thick autumn robe.
“Majesty…” I say. “Are you with child again?”
“I am,” she says. I drop to my knees.
“You are truly the most blessed among women. I pray for the health of yourself and the emperor’s son.” One must always assume a child is a boy in order to persuade the gods to make it so.
The empress motions for me to stand. “During my pregnancy and confinement, the emperor may not touch me,” she says, and I nod. “It is important to me that he is well taken care of by someone I can trust until my return. Are you that person?”
I am not exactly sure what she is asking of me, but I have no choice but to agree.
“Good,” she says. “I also will need competent women by my side during this time. The emperor has insisted you be among those chosen.”
“The emperor has spoken too highly of me,” I say. “I am just a stupid, common girl.”
“Perhaps,” she says. “But it never hurts to have those whom the emperor holds dear close to myself as well.”
“I shall serve you both to the best of my abilities,” I say.
“Good,” the empress says. She nods and I see that the sedan chair bearers have followed us at a distance. “The emperor is waiting for you.”
“Thank you, your majesty,” I say as I back away. Suyin helps me into the sedan chair and the windows are closed.
It would seem my plan to stay hidden and anonymous has utterly failed. I have not only caught the attention of the emperor, but the empress as well. I will have to be extra careful not to give myself away. I really do hope the empress has a son. Perhaps then the emperor will return to paying her attention and forget about me. After all, if she can give birth to one son, she can have another.
My own stomach feels a bit queasy as I consider the possibility that I could fall pregnant as well, especially if the emperor spends more time with me while the empress is in her confinement. What would I do then? It would be truly terrible. Everyone would know my name. My “family” would be honored. But the child wouldn’t even be Manchu.
This is the secret knowledge that worries me the most. As much as I despise the Manchu, I cannot deny that the emperor is the chosen emissary of the gods. The Son of Heaven. Surely the gods would not want Han blood defiling the royal family.
And yet I am here. I share the emperor’s bed. Is that not offensive enough? If anyone ever found out who I truly was, they would be horrified. Disgusted.
For a moment, I think I forgot that
I was not Manchu. I have had to wear their clothes and practice their customs for months now. I have been so convincing, I even fooled myself for a while. But I cannot forget who I am, where I came from. I don’t belong here. I am not one of them. The sooner the emperor forgets about me, the better.
By the time the sedan chair stops and the flap is opened, any excitement I might have felt about accompanying the emperor today has fled and has instead filled my stomach with bile.
But the hand I hold to climb out of the chair is not Jinhai’s or Suyin’s. It is larger and warmer.
“Lihua,” Prince Honghui says, giving me that arrogant, self-assured smile.
Could this day have gotten any more precarious?
21
I jerk my hand back. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m to escort you inside,” he says. “The emperor is already holding audiences.”
I grumble to myself as I place my hand in his and he helps me from the sedan chair. He then continues holding my had as he leads me inside the audience hall—to keep me steady on my shoes, of course.
“It is quite an honor,” Honghui says, “that the emperor would have you stand behind him today. You have certainly grown in his estimation.”
“I am only his favorite for today,” I say. “I’ve done nothing special.”
“You do realize that the more you act like you don’t need my brother, the more he will want you,” he says.
I wrinkle my nose. “What do you mean?”
He chuckles. “To be a concubine or consort is the highest position in the land for a woman. Almost any woman would die to be in your position. The ones who are fortunate enough to be chosen continue to work toward his favor in hopes of having the emperor’s son. He has never had to work to gain the affections of a woman—except the empress, I suppose. But you, you act as though none of this matters to you. The emperor’s favor means nothing to you. You have given him a challenge for once. He is having to actually seduce you.”
I wonder if the prince is speaking earnestly or teasing me. Why would the emperor—the most powerful man in the country—care a bit about my feelings for him?
“Are you teasing me?” I ask. “Certainly the emperor doesn’t care about my feelings. What am I?”
The prince chuckles again. “Believe me, I know men. And my brother is still just a man in many ways.”
“So…what should I do?” I ask.
His steps slow and he looks at me as if I had just asked him an impossible riddle. “You…really don’t want his favor? You aren’t just playing some game with his affections?”
“No,” I say plainly. “I never wanted it.”
He stops and looks at me, rubbing his jaw as he regards me. “Because of me?”
I almost bark a laugh but catch myself as his eyes bore into mine. I feel a weakness in my knees, a desire that I never feel when I am with the emperor. I have to wonder if sharing a bed with the prince would be far more pleasurable.
“You aren’t making things easy,” I manage to say, but it is nearly a whisper.
We look at each other for a moment more before the prince finally looks away. I can’t help but see a pain on his face. Regret, I think.
He clears his throat. “There is nothing you can do,” he says. “You…you are the emperor’s woman and must do as he wills.”
“I know,” I say, wondering why he is stating a cold fact that I have known since I first stepped into the Forbidden City.
The prince takes my arm again and gives me that carefree smile he usually carries on his face. “Come.”
It is only when I finally look away from him that I notice the grandeur of the audience hall I am in. It is a palace unto itself, with long wide corridors leading off into an infinite number of rooms. The ceilings are high, supported by tall, red pillars. I have never been in this building before. Since it is outside of the inner court, women are forbidden from entering this area without permission from the emperor.
We come to two large doors, and eunuchs on either side open them as we approach. I have to stifle a gasp when I see the actual audience hall. The floor is polished marble that shines so brightly, I think it must be like walking on ice. There is a raised dais on which a large golden throne sits. There are stairs up the front and both sides of the dais. Behind the emperor is a thin silk screen. Behind the screen and set lower than the emperor’s throne are two smaller thrones. The empress dowager sits on one, the other is empty. I suppose it must be where the empress sits when she is invited.
There are dozens of men present, more men than I’ve seen since entering the Forbidden City. Each is dressed in a fine robe with crests embroidered on the front. They all have long queues and wear tasseled hats. I see several of them look my way. I don’t like the feeling of being the center of attention and look away.
As I approach the dais, my eyes are drawn upward to an enormous golden dragon with a pearl in its mouth. I have to hesitate as I look at it. It seems to me that the pearl could easily slip out of the dragon’s fangs and crush the emperor. But then I think how silly that must be. Surely the emperor would not sit below something dangerous. When the emperor sees me, he gives a small smile and nod, and I cannot help but blush at his attention. Seeing him here, among such splendor, set above all other men, he truly seems to be the Son of Heaven.
The prince leads me up the side stairs to the empty throne behind the screen next to the empress dowager. The dowager looks at me, but she does not smile or nod. She looks away, sitting up a little straighter.
“You must stand here,” the prince whispers to me. I nod, understanding that it would be inappropriate for a mere concubine to take the empress’s throne, even in her absence. The prince then walks away, and I see Suyin and Jinhai take their places behind the dais. Now what? I wonder to myself.
I hear a name announced and a man approaches the throne. He kowtows to the emperor. Once the emperor acknowledges him, he sits up and begins speaking to the emperor about some trade issues with a place called Chosan. The man and the emperor talk for a bit, then the emperor says he will write to the king of Chosan personally. I think we must be done when another man is called forward, and the same procedure is followed. This happens again, and again, and again.
Every time a new person is called forward, I feel like I am going to topple over. My feet, legs, back, and neck are killing me. I have to pee. I glance to the dowager, who simply sits primly in her chair, paying me no mind, saying nothing. This cannot be what the emperor intended for me, is it? I am so bored and uncomfortable. I see several men inch their way around the dais to where they can see me, nodding appreciatively, making my skin crawl. I hate everything about this. Did the emperor think he was paying me an honor by inviting me here?
Finally, an announcement is made, calling an end to the audiences for the day. Several men at the back of the room groan in frustration. I guess they came all this way for nothing and will have to return another day.
The emperor stands and stretches. He walks around the screen and speaks to his mother for a moment, but I cannot hear what they say. The emperor then comes to me, a wide grin on his face.
“What did you think?” he asks, and I’m not sure what to say. “Terribly boring, isn’t it?” I’m so surprised I can’t help but laugh.
“Yes,” I say. “I don’t know what I expected, but it wasn’t that.”
He chuckles and offers me his arm. “Come. There is something I wish to discuss with you.”
I smile and nod, though I can’t imagine what he might wish to talk with me about. We leave the audience hall and walk back to the inner court together, side by side, our servants following behind.
“My brother tells me that poverty has become an issue within Peking,” he says, and my heart thumps in my chest. Surely the prince was not stupid enough to tell the emperor that we had conversed privately. “He thinks that some of that could be alleviated by the ladies of the inner court. What do you think?”
I am stunned into
silence for a moment, then I slowly nod. “I cannot speak for all of the ladies, but I would be happy to give part of my allowance to help the poor. Your majesty is generous and gives me far more than I need.”
“I think many of the ladies would object,” he goes on. “They enjoy their servants and silks.”
“I would not want to force anyone to donate their allowance,” I say. “I know many of the girls use their money to support their families.”
The emperor nods and is thoughtful for a moment. He then rubs his chin in a way that reminds me of his brother. “I think this is a good idea. It is proper for such privileged people to help the less fortunate.”
“Thank you, your majesty,” I say.
“I will put you in charge of this,” he says. “Lady An handles many of the financial aspects of the harem. I will inform her that I want this plan implemented. You can be in charge of collecting the donations from the other ladies.”
This causes a lump to form in the pit of my stomach. Such a task would draw much attention to me, and there will certainly be ladies who object to the idea. It will, of course, be voluntary, but I am sure many ladies will feel pressured to contribute funds. I certainly do not need to be making any more enemies among the ladies.
“I…I…I am not sure I will have time for such a task,” I say. “The empress has asked me to attend her during her pregnancy.”
The emperor nods. “She has informed the inner court, then,” he says.
“She has not announced it to everyone,” I explain. “She told me after our morning greetings. I wouldn’t have known her condition if she hadn’t told me. It is not apparent.”
“I see,” he says. “Lady An can assist you in finding helpers,” he says. “And your own maids can help as well. Perhaps they can solicit the donations while you are attending the empress.”
“I…suppose that could work,” I say slowly, wracking my brain to come up with some excuse to distance myself from this task, but I can think of none. And as much as I don’t want the attention, I am excited at the prospect of helping the people of the hutongs. My family might be gone, but there are thousands more just like them facing starvation and nakedness every day. My foot itches as I recall how, not very long ago, I was walking barefoot just beyond the palace walls. That seems a lifetime ago even though it was mere months.
