by Zoey Gong
“Then, what is it?” he asks. “Why would you push another woman, one I despise, at me so forcefully?”
I don’t think that asking a simple question, making such a small suggestion, was me being forceful at all. But I guess I have overstepped my bounds.
“I’m sorry,” I say, tearing up. “I… The other ladies…” I’m just not sure what to say!
“Oh,” the emperor says, nodding his head. “I see.”
“You…you do?”
“The other women in the harem, Lady An especially I suppose, are jealous of you,” he says. “Is that it?”
I nod slowly. I don’t want to get any of the other ladies in the harem in trouble. But it is true that Lady An is jealous of me.
The emperor is thoughtful for a moment. “It is good of you to want to keep peace in the harem. Caihong usually makes sure of that, but I know she cannot keep an eye on everything as she usually does. She told me that she thought Lady An would do a good job managing the harem in her place, but I suppose that is not the case.”
I open my mouth to protest but then close it again. I’ve already said far too much.
“I will speak to my mother about it,” he says. “Other than Lady An, I’m not sure who else has the experience necessary to manage things. I will ask her opinion.”
The dowager! She favors Lady An for some reason. If the emperor tells her that I accused Lady An of being jealous, she might turn on me even more.
“Please don’t mention my name,” I blurt out. “I mean, if she thinks that I accused Lady An of…of being unkind to me, she might think I was the one trying to cause discord among the ladies.”
“Don’t worry,” the emperor says, kissing me on the forehead. “I know how to handle my mother.”
I nod but doubt his words. I don’t think the emperor really knows what it is like living the harem. And why would he? Whenever he visits, we are all smiles and kindness. No one would want the emperor to think any of us were unhappy. I have no doubt that the dowager will suspect I was the one behind the emperor’s doubts of Lady An. I was stupid to say anything.
“How is the collection of funds for the poor coming along?” the emperor asks.
“Very well,” I say with a nod. I don’t tell him that the vast majority of money I have saved has been my own. I dismissed all of my servants except for Suyin, Jinhai, and Nuwa. I still don’t think I need two maidservants, but Nuwa has been in the palace a long time and has been very helpful to me. I think it is wise to keep her with me.
The money I saved from not having to pay their salaries, I have set aside to be donated. I have also requested less food and sold some embroidery. Suyin has mentioned my fundraising efforts only to the maids she knows well, and they have told her which ladies would be agreeable to donate as well. But that has not been very many. I think only three other ladies have donated, and it has been a pittance. I know I need to try harder, but I don’t have the courage.
“Good,” the emperor says. “Come, speak to Honghui about it. He will know better than I what to do next since it was all his idea.”
“What?” I ask, trotting along behind him as quickly as I can. I’ve gotten far more nimble on my pot-bottom shoes than I ever thought possible.
We leave the emperor’s bed-chamber and he leads me to a large sitting room where his brother, Honghui, is already waiting. I give the prince a bow, but he bows even lower to me. The emperor’s consort apparently outranks the emperor’s brother, even if I am one of dozens. The two men embrace, and then the emperor beckons me to them.
“Brother,” the emperor says. “Lihua has been raising the funds for the poor among the ladies. You two can discuss how best to proceed. How to make sure the money reaches the people and doesn’t end up in some bureaucrat’s pocket.
“Of course,” Honghui says with a bow. “It will be my honor.”
The emperor then kisses me on the cheek. “I am sure you have a busy day ahead, my dear. I will send for someone else tonight—but not Lady An.” He shakes a finger at me but gives me a smile as if he is making a joke. I chuckle even though I don’t find his words amusing.
“Of course,” I say with a bow.
The emperor goes to attend his morning audiences, leaving me alone with Honghui—and his charming, mischievous smile.
“Did you arrange this?” I ask, my arms crossed as though I am in a huff. The prince glances around and sees that we are alone for once. Suyin and Jinhai would be standing near my waiting sedan chair at this time. They are probably wondering why I am so delayed this morning.
“That’s depends,” he says, stepping closer to me. “Does it make you glad that I have found a way to spend more time with you?”
I sigh and turn to walk back down the hall to the emperor’s bed-chamber. “I enjoy your company. But you know we shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Doing what?” he asks. “Making donations to the poor? It was your idea.”
I reach over and pinch his arm. “You know what I mean.”
He squirms as if I actually hurt him. “I know. I know. But I can’t help it. I’m just so intrigued by you.”
“Why?” I ask. “I’m just a girl. You can have any woman you want. Shouldn’t you be married already? You must be an old maid by now.”
He chuckles. “You are starting to sound like my brother. My mother died when I was young, and Father died before he could arrange a marriage for me, so…it just hasn’t happened yet. But…” He cuts in front of me and squeezes my chin. “It’s you I want to talk about. Are you ever going to tell me the real reason you snuck out of the palace that night?”
I turn my head away so that he has to release my chin. “No.”
We’ve reached the emperor’s bed-chamber, but I hesitate to go inside. I don’t want to be in a room alone with Honghui. If he tried to kiss me, I might not be able to stop myself.
“I think you will,” he says, standing next to me. “I just have to be patient.”
We are quiet for a moment. In truth, I wish I could tell him. Tell anyone. It’s such a weight in my chest. I’m so terrified that the truth of my identity is going to come out somehow and ruin everything. If I could tell someone the truth first, someone in power, the prince, the empress, the emperor even, then perhaps they could protect me. But I can’t do that. Not yet. There is no one, not even the prince, I trust that much.
“So,” he finally says, “since giving away your money to the poor was your idea, how do you think it would be best to do so? Use it to buy grain? Give them all new shoes?”
I remember how I had to sell my shoes just to buy food and shake that idea away. “Every family is different. They all have different needs. Some need shoes. Some need food. Some need a place to live. I think we should put the money directly into the hands of the poor.”
The prince scoffs. “Don’t you think they would just spend it all getting drunk at a public house?”
“Some might,” I say. “But even drunkards have children who need to eat. Give the money to the people. They will know what to do with it.”
“Then what?” he asks. “When that money runs out, what then? They will be hungry once again. Should we just give them more money?”
“Yes,” I say, looking at him defiantly. I wish I could tell him why. Tell him how even a small amount of cash can change a family’s life. Can buy them enough food to have strength for work. Can help them move to a neighborhood with better prospects. Can provide a dowry for a young girl that can get her into a better family and out of poverty altogether. At this last thought, I think of my sister Mingming. She will be of a marriageable age soon. I’m sure my family will use the money Mingxia paid for me to provide her with a dowry. Just how high will she be able to climb, I wonder.
I wish I could tell him all this and more. But I can’t. He would want to know how I know these things. He would perhaps figure it out on his own.
Honghui looks at me expectantly, waiting for me to explain, but he finally realizes I am not going to
do that. He lets out a sigh as he looks back down the corridor. “You’re a good person, Lihua. I suppose you want to assume the best in others as well.”
I’m frustrated that he thinks my ideas are born from being naïve and not from experience. But I say nothing. I can’t tell him the truth, not yet.
“I will do as you ask,” he says. “When you have collected enough money, I will just go out into the streets and hand the money out myself.”
“Thank you,” I say. I wish I could go with him, but I know that wouldn’t be proper. I look down at my hands as I feel his fingers touch mine.
“Will you meet me tonight?” he whispers. “At the hour of the ox?”
“We shouldn’t,” I say, but it is only because I have to. The prince walks away, confident that I will meet him at the appointed time.
24
Since I dismissed all the other servants, sneaking out should be as easy as it was before. Suyin and Jinhai are still deep sleepers, and Nuwa sleeps in another room. Still, I’m careful and quiet, walking barefoot until I am out of the palace. As soon as I am in the garden, I feel Honghui’s hand in mine. I don’t start, I’ve grown so used to his presence. He kisses me as soon as we meet, not waiting until we’ve moved into a more secluded area, and I cup his jaw as I kiss him back. I feel his kiss turn into a naughty grin as he pulls away and leads me through the garden.
I feel a tingling in my belly, an anticipation. I can’t wait for him to hold me, caress me. All my worries melt away when we are together. I know I should let my guilt, my fear, control my actions, make me stop, but I can’t. I only want him. Those feelings are for later when I am once again alone.
He leads me to a building that is often occupied during the day—a hall with good lighting where ladies sit to work on their painting or embroidery—but now, it is completely empty. And completely dark. The lattice shutters are closed, blocking the moonlight. When the prince closes the door behind us, I can see nothing, but I can feel his presence near me. A presence that burns as hotly as my own.
We say nothing as he grabs me to him, his kisses hungry, as if he will steal the very breath from my lungs. His hands slip up my sleeping gown, caressing my bare legs, and my knees go weak. I wrap my arms around his neck to keep from falling, holding him that much closer against me, and yet it is still not close enough.
I suddenly understand what true passion is. True desire. It is something I have never felt with Emperor Guozhi, and I know I never will. That is duty, a mere job I must perform. But this… Oh! This is pure pleasure.
I lean my head back and Honghui kisses down my chest, between my breasts, tugging at my gown, pulling it from my shoulders. I slowly sink to the ground, pulling Honghui down with me.
“Are you sure?” he asks me, breathless, and I answer with more kisses, opening his robe, revealing his smooth, muscular chest. He lets out a breathy chuckle and removes his belt, letting his robe fly open. I untie my own belt, and in a moment, our warm bodies are as close as two humans can be.
I am no innocent maid. I know exactly what I am doing. I know it is stupid. Dangerous. I know what will happen if we are caught. But I don’t care. I have given up everything to be here—my family, my home, my name. I know I will never have a real husband of my own, children of my own. I never thought I would know love, know passion. But now that I have it, I will not let go. This is for me.
The emperor has taken my virginity. He will never know that laid with another man. And if I fall pregnant? Well, the emperor will be delighted. He would never suspect the child was not his own.
I have to bite my lower lip to keep from crying out as ecstasy washes over me, taking me to the highest peaks and then dropping me into a freezing cold river. The prince follows right behind me, and then we are lying in each other’s arms as we wait for our senses to return.
“That…that was not my intention in seeing you tonight,” he whispers, and I cover my mouth as I giggle.
“I would never have known that,” I reply, and he laughs as he nuzzles my neck.
“I didn’t believe you would ever want to,” he says. “It is dangerous, and I did not think you would take such a risk.”
I chew my lower lip as I consider my response. My whole life is one huge risk. This seems like nothing compared to the secrets I already hold in my heart every day.
“I thought you knew me better than that,” I say. I feel his lips smile as he kisses me again.
“I think you should work to remain the emperor’s favorite,” he says. “As long as he takes you to his bed, we don’t have to worry about…consequences of our own meetings.”
I let out a sigh and he holds me tight. As much as I would like the emperor to forget about me, Honghui is right. If the emperor did not take me to his bed and I fell pregnant, there would be no explaining it away. And I would have no way to hide it. My maids, since they wash my laundry, would know as soon as I missed my courses.
“This is all a dream,” I say. “We can never freely or openly be together. We could never marry or even run away together. You are a prince and are sure to be discovered no matter where we might go.”
The prince says nothing because he cannot disagree with me.
“And you must marry,” I finally say. He humphs. “I mean it.” I turn his face to mine so that I know he is listening even if we cannot see each other in the dark. “If the emperor has no sons, or should his future sons die, your son would be the next heir to the Dragon Throne. You must do your duty by your brother, as I must.”
“How did one so young become so wise?” he asks me, teasingly.
I sigh and snuggle close to him. “I only know how precarious life can be.”
He holds me for another minute before we both have to admit that we have lingered too long. I crawl around on the floor, groping for the belt to my sleeping gown and my slippers. Finding them, I then attempt to dress myself in the dark. Hopefully I will not look as disheveled as I feel in the morning when Suyin wakes me. If I do, I’ll just have to tell her I had a nightmare.
When he is ready, Honghui takes me by the hand and leads me to the door. He opens it carefully and I have to blink as my eyes adjust to the moonlight. It’s still the middle of the night, but anything seems brighter compared to the pitch black we just came out of. The prince leads me by the hand back toward my palace. When we are about halfway there, we hear a noise.
We both freeze and glance around. I don’t see any lantern light, so it can’t be a guard. Still, it could be anyone. And if we are caught together… I don’t hear anything else for a long time, and we start to relax, but then we hear it again, the unmistakable sound of slippers on stone. Someone else is here.
“Go,” I whisper so quietly, it is little more than my mouth moving.
“Not without—” he starts to say, but I put my fingers to his lips.
“Go.” He looks at me for a moment, panic in his eyes. I can tell he is frantically searching for an alternative, but there is none. If we are caught together in the middle of the night, no explanation will save us. And if the prince is caught in the inner court at night, even alone… Well, no one would believe he was there for innocent purpose. At least I can say I couldn’t sleep and went for a walk or something. He finally nods and then darts off in the other direction, away from the noise. To then mask any sounds he might make, I continue walking toward my palace, my head held high, as if I have nothing to hide.
I reach the end of a garden walk and look left and right, my eyes scanning the darkness for any movement. I am about to turn right, toward my palace, when out of the corner of my eye I see a shadow move. I put my hand to my mouth to keep from crying out and crouch down. It takes a moment for my heart to stop racing enough for me to realize it wasn’t a ghost or spirit, but a person. A person dressed all in black. It is this realization that both calms me and sets my mind spinning.
Who would be out at night dressed all in black?
I peek to the left again and can now clearly see the dark shape sli
nking quickly down the path. It looks to be a man, probably a eunuch. For a moment, I consider returning home. Whatever is happening, it is surely not my business. I think back to the night I snuck out of the Forbidden City dressed all in black to try and find my family. If anyone but the prince had seen me, my life would have been over. Perhaps I should let this person go, pretend I saw nothing.
But there is a sinking feeling in my stomach. Why would a eunuch be sneaking around at night? Eunuchs have much more freedom than us ladies. They can leave the Forbidden City on errands or even to visit their own families. They are allowed to walk around the palace grounds, both the inner and outer courts, unescorted. I can’t help but think that if this man is sneaking around the palace at night, it cannot be for good reasons.
When I see the shadow turn down another path, I follow. I suppose I could scream, call him out. The guards could come and put to an end whatever he is doing. But then I think of the prince and me sneaking around. Perhaps this eunuch means no harm, but is meeting a lover? No, of course not! He cannot have a lover. He could be delivering a love note to one of the ladies on behalf of a lover on the outside. A love left behind when she was chosen. If that is the case, I will say nothing. Pretend I saw nothing. But until I know for certain, I think I should continue to follow. Just in case…
Several times I lose sight of the shadow moving about in the dark, but I always manage to find him again. Finally he stops and crouches along the wall of a palace and waits for a long while. I realize with growing dread that he is outside the empress’s palace. This cannot be right. The empress would have no lover. She wouldn’t dare… No. Something is very, very wrong. But what should I do? Call for the guards? Scare him away myself?
I’m debating what to do when I see him stand up and open a lattice shutter. The same lattice shutter belonging to the window I saw Lady An standing near a few days ago. The lattice shutter that covers a window to the empress’s bed-chamber! With surprising ease, the eunuch grabs the edge of the window and climbs through.
