Jimmy rubbed his face. "I know. In my heart I wanted to do more. I didn't want to stop seeing her. I still don't, but she broke things off with me so now I have no choice."
"What happened?"
"She kept saying weird things about me not remembering stuff and then she complained about me not kissing her. So tonight I planned to change all that and she refused to kiss me and told me she didn't want to see me anymore."
"Did she say why?"
"She said she was a bad influence on me. She even got on me about not reading my Bible and praying and blamed our relationship for that."
"Was she right?"
He shrugged. He didn't want to admit it, but it was true. "Yeah, pretty much."
"Do you know why?" Sam rested his elbows on his knees.
"I thought if I prayed then God would tell me to stop seeing her so I stopped listening to Him, too. I didn't want to hear that. I thought I could lead her to Christ."
"Is she still not a believer?"
"A couple of times I thought what I'd said had gotten through to her, but I never could tell for certain. She is so hard to read."
"Maybe she saw that your light had dimmed and she believed she was the cause. Maybe that was one of the things that attracted her in the first place."
"She mentioned that once when we first met. You're probably right. Have you noticed that about me?"
"Most definitely. You seem half in a daze most of the time and that evidence of joy in your life is gone. In fact, it's been gone since we had our discussion last month."
"Because I decided to keep seeing her against your advice."
"Probably."
Silence reigned for several long minutes.
Jimmy looked up, his eyes stinging. "I love her. I don't get what is going on with her but if she apologized to me right now I'd be back with her in a heartbeat."
"Are you saying you love her more than Jesus?"
Was he saying that? "I don't know. Maybe. I'm not sure anymore."
"That is a scary place to be, Jimmy. You need to start seeking the Lord again. As much as this hurts, you need to thank God for using it to get you back on track with Him. She did the right thing by letting you go."
Red hot adrenaline shot through him and he shot Sam a hard look. "I am not thanking God for this."
"But you have to. You can't be angry with God. This isn't His fault." Sam stared.
Truth be told, Jimmy scared himself with some of his own comments. "He hasn't helped me in a lot of areas. This is only one of them."
"What are the others?"
"God never healed my mother's depression and she ended up killing herself."
Sam pressed his lips together and hesitated. "You know God doesn't heal everyone."
"But He could have. I asked Him to. I prayed every single night she was in the hospital. He could have done it just like that." He snapped his fingers. "He also could have gotten through to Sammie's heart, but He didn't."
"She has to want His forgiveness, Jimmy. You know that. God won't force anyone to love Him. It's a choice we have to make for ourselves."
"But she was so close. I was so sure of it."
"You can't save anyone. It's God who does the work."
"I know that." Jimmy snorted.
"Do you?" Sam sounded so calm and levelheaded.
Jimmy jumped up from the couch. "Are you saying I'm lying? I know what I saw."
"No, I'm not. I'm just saying you can't save anyone."
"I said I know that. Why are you questioning me about this stuff? This isn't about my faith, it's about what didn't happen with my girlfriend. She's still lost."
"Maybe she needs to be away from you to find the Lord. If that's the case are you willing to give her up?"
Was he willing? The pain in his chest told him it would be tough, but if he did love her he would do what was best for her, not what was best for himself. "I guess you're right. I'm sorry I yelled at you like that."
"Not a problem. Let me pray for you right now."
Sam led Jimmy in prayer and asked God to heal his heart. Jimmy agreed with Sam's prayer. He wanted that healing and forgiveness, too.
But he also wanted to keep Sammie in his life. The situation seemed so hopeless. His friend's prayers did encourage him enough to give everything over to God.
Now if he could just keep it there.
Chapter Fourteen
Sammie cried silently as she picked up the phone. She had been so cruel to Jimmy… again. In fact, she was out-of-control mean like the first day they'd met. She regretted the words the minute she'd said them, but at the time she was so ticked it had been impossible to talk at that point. All she could do was shut the door in his face.
She couldn't help watching through her window as Jimmy pulled off to the side of the road and sat in his vehicle for a good half an hour, his head on the steering wheel. Had she made him cry? Was he praying? She didn't know what he was doing, but it unnerved her to see him there for so long. She tried calling his cell but there was no answer. Then she remembered he'd forgotten it at his house.
She left one final message and told herself she wouldn't call again. She'd just wait and see what he'd do now that she'd apologized. She reflected on those repentant words.
"James, I'm sorry I yelled at you. I do want us to work things out. Please, please call me so we can talk things through."
The next morning she heard the phone ring. "Hello?"
"Hey, Sam."
The familiar sound of his voice caressing her name made her want to cry with relief.
"Hi." She could barely get the words out.
"Got your message and yes, I do want to talk things through. How about some time after church I stop by your place?"
"Okay."
Then we can go over the issues more in depth."
"Sounds good. I'll see you when?"
"Noon tomorrow. Sound okay to you?"
"Noon sounds perfect."
Her chest beat frantically from excitement. He was coming over tomorrow and he sounded like he'd forgiven her. They were going to talk. She had a chance to make things right. She refused to mess that up again.
Later that night she started to panic. What if he changed his mind about coming over? She decided to call and confirm that she wasn't losing hers.
*****
His cell phone played a Jars of Clay song.
Jimmy hopped out of the shower, grabbed a towel, and wrapped it around his waist. He'd gotten pretty sweaty cleaning his house. His anger had given him so much energy that his house sparkled by the time he'd finished aggressing on everything. No way would he sleep in his bed without washing up first.
Normally he showered in the morning. It figured someone would call him when he was occupied thinking about his visit tomorrow with Sammie. He sighed. It was probably best he'd been interrupted.
He reached for another towel and ran to grab his phone as he rubbed his hair dry. Since he hadn't expected anyone to call, he checked the ID on his phone.
Sammie?
Answering before it went to his voicemail, he released a breathless-sounding, "Hi."
"Miss me?"
He thought he detected a slight pout lacing her words. He pictured her puckered lips and his heart lodged in his throat at the sound of her voice. He really missed her and that realization frightened him. As usual, he brushed off his feelings with humor.
"Why, Miss Sammie, I was as expectant as a sparrow watchin' a wormhole while I waited for your call." He cringed at how corny that sounded.
"You didn't know I was gonna call you, silly."
Teasing was what he did best when at a loss for words, or when his emotions got involved. Like now. "But I sensed it, darlin', deep inside my soul."
"Wow, you missed me that much?" She giggled.
Her bright, tinkling laughter warmed his insides. His voice deepened. "Yeah, I did."
"Good." She snickered. "Because I wanted you to. Did you dream about me?"
That w
as a delicate question given how her call had interrupted his fantasizing in the shower. He didn't want to admit too much, like the fact that he always dreamt about her.
Several long seconds passed.
"I'm so—"
"I'm sorry—"
They spoke that the same time. She giggled. "You go first."
"I heard your apology and I forgive you, Sam. I'm sorry, too, for whatever I did to offend you. I don't know how I keep messing up."
"I'm sorry, too. I don't know what came over me. It won't happen again."
"Good. Because when I thought about never seeing you again…" He rubbed his eyes and sighed. "Well, I'll just say it hurt a whole lot more than I expected."
"I really am sorry. I don't want to lose you either."
"I believe you. So do you have to work tomorrow?"
"I don't usually work on Sundays."
He recalled her saying she worked on Fort Huachuca. He never asked exactly what she did for a living. "What do you do at the Fort, anyway?"
"I… um, I work in communications with computer programs and decoding. I… I can't discuss with you the exact nature of my work."
"That's okay. I don't need to know the details anyway." He knew other people who worked contract jobs doing surveillance programs and top secret stuff. They could never give him the details, either.
For a moment neither spoke. He wanted to take Sammie out again. This time they'd go somewhere public. To a place where things couldn't get too heated.
"Jimmy, I should tell—"
"Have you ever eaten at Nellie Cashman's? You know… the restaurant across from the Six Shooter? They have the best short stack pancakes you've ever eaten."
"No. Can't say that I have. Sounds wonderful, though."
"Want to go there for breakfast tomorrow? I'll pick you up, and then we can go to church together afterward. But only if you want to. Sound good?"
"Sure. Sounds great. I'm looking forward to it. See you tomorrow at nine."
Before he could confirm it, she hung up.
He stared at the phone, wondering how he gotten himself right back where he started. When seeing her had become so all-fired important that nothing else mattered. Like the fact that church started at 9:30 am, so if he picked her up at nine they'd miss church if they went to breakfast first. He didn't want to call back and cancel, though, because it could start another argument. He wanted her more than work or church, or reading the scriptures, seeing his friends or praying, or even volunteering.
All he thought about was spending time with Sammie… No matter how hard he tried he couldn't get her out of his mind. No relationship this obsessive could be healthy. As a counselor, he knew that. But doing the right thing was easier said than done. He didn't know what to do about the situation short of giving her up, so he did nothing.
*****
The following morning dragged on. After cleaning out her fridge and lining up her low cal snacks for the second time that day, she decided to get out of the house before she went crazy. It wasn't even seven o'clock yet, for pity's sake.
Standing on her front porch, she let the morning breeze ruffle her hair. She closed her eyes and inhaled deeply, enjoying the scent of the desert after the rain.
With a sigh, she walked back inside. A cloud of depression thicker than monsoon clouds hovered over her as she pulled on a tight pair of jeans and a baby blue tee shirt. She didn't want to go to church with Jimmy.
Maybe if she wore something revealing he wouldn't want to take her. When she lifted her arms a little bit her taut tummy showed. Those abdominal workouts firmed her up so she wasn't embarrassed to wear something more bold than her typical wardrobe. And the low cut tee would reveal just enough skin to distract him. Trinity had helped her to pick out the outfit when they'd shopped at Dillard's last weekend.
Grinning wickedly, she peered at her reflection. It was a pretty sexy combination. All that was missing was a navel ring. The jeans were pretty low cut, too, and revealed a good portion of her slender hips. Jimmy might like that bare midriff look on her. One glance at his face would tell her if she'd made a mistake or not. She was hoping for the heavy lidded look, not the wide-eyed one that told her she'd gone too far.
She dug around in her closet for her sandals, but could only find one. The doorbell rang and she jumped up and walked over to answer it. Her heart pounded so hard her pulse thundered through her veins. She approached the door without her shoes on. He would just have to wait on the couch while she fished them out of her closet.
Since she hadn't seen Jimmy since their fight, she wasn't going to let him go today without making sure they were in good standing with each other first. But she still had a big problem. She hadn't told him about her Army career. The two times she tried to say it he cut her off before she could get the words out.
The dizzying sensation of being in a vortex made her head swim from the anticipation of seeing him again. She took several cleansing breaths first and decided she would come clean and tell him today. It was only fair that he knew her future plans. She opened the door and his attention immediately slipped to her midriff.
"Wow, that's um, very sexy, Sammie." He scanned her again.
Her cheeks heated as she gazed back at him and took in the well-defined muscles in his crossed arms. His slightly ripped jeans and tight tee was hardly church material either. Maybe he'd decided to skip church, too.
"Um, I decided to look like an ordinary girl today."
Jimmy smiled, his lids heavy as he rested his hip on the door frame. "There's nothing ordinary about you, babe."
She couldn't help rolling her eyes even though her heart warmed at the compliment. No doubt her cheeks were flaming red, too. "You're so sweet. Come inside for a minute. I just need to find my other sandal and then we can go to breakfast."
He walked into the living room and she closed the door behind him.
Pausing for a moment, he turned around and sighed. "You know, every time you blush you remind me of a girl I knew back in New York." He shook his head. "Her face used to do the exact same thing when she was nervous."
Sammie gasped as what he'd just told her. It shook her to the depths of her soul. She stepped closer and stared, swallowing several times as she tried to muster the courage to tell him who she was. Would he remember her as that girl? Would he care once she told him? "Did she wear glasses?"
He hesitated. "Yes. Why are you looking at me like that?"
Blinking back tears, she whispered, "Was she really skinny?"
"Yeah." He bit his lip. "Her eyes looked a lot like yours, too."
"And her teeth? Were they a little bit crooked?"
"She had an overbite, but it looked cute on her. She was the first girl I'd ever kissed." His face turned a crimson shade and he glanced away. "I haven't seen her in years. She was a really nice person."
"Did she seem to care about you? A lot?" Sammie felt the tears streaming down her cheeks and didn't hold back. He remembered. He still hadn't connected that she was that girl but at least he remembered. That was a huge plus.
He glanced up and said, "I think so… why are you crying?"
She couldn't speak. Tears just streamed down her cheeks and dripped onto the floor.
"Oh. My. Word." His eyes rounded. "You're Sam?"
She nodded, her tears now rushing down like a waterfall.
His face lit with joy and he threw his arms around her. "Sam? I can't believe it's really you!" He squeezed her tight and kissed her hair, her cheeks, and enveloped her once again in a breath-stealing hug.
He held her for a long time. Her heart wept from the pleasure of knowing the mystery was over. He finally remembered her and he was happy to see her. Her shoulders shook and she trembled in his arms, crying with relief. Could life get any better than this?
"Let me see you." Jimmy pushed back so he could look at her more fully. "My goodness, don't you clean up nice. You're so gorgeous!"
She giggled and choked on tears. "Sometimes I still feel lik
e that awkward, skinny girl. I… for a long time I was so upset that you didn't remember me. That's why I kept asking you all those questions."
"Of course! Now everything makes sense. I'm so sorry I didn't recognize you sooner. How could I miss that? You were my first real girlfriend. My first real kiss. And now we've found each other. That has to mean something, right?"
Her heart pounding, she nodded and reached for his hands. She brought them to her chest until their entwined hands touched her heart. "Right."
He gazed at her like he tried to read her thoughts. What she said would probably throw him for a loop, but she didn't care.
"I love you, James."
*****
God help me, but I love her, too.
She inched closer, her hands still clasping his hands and her eyes searching his for… something. But what was she looking for?
He wanted to say the same to her but the words stuck in his throat. He'd never told a girl he'd loved her before. It felt weird to be on the verge of such a serious declaration. He didn't know if he was ready to share that yet.
"Do you love me?" She gazed at him with such longing it made bees swarm in his stomach. Why did she have to ask that question? He groaned inwardly. But now at least he understood why he'd felt so drawn to her. Everything made sense.
She was so beautiful he couldn't believe she was even the same person. And that body of hers could make even the holiest man forget his religion.
"James…?" She traced his jaw with her finger.
"Yes. I do." Close enough.
She closed her eyes and smiled.
He studied her face. So beautiful. So perfect.
Opening her eyes, she offered a sad smile. "Thanks for saying that."
"It's true." Still couldn't get the actual words out. That would have to be enough.
She pressed her head against his shoulder and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so happy you remember me."
"Me, too, Sam." And he meant it. Just thinking about those powerful words stirred him in ways that he needed to avoid. Until he got married he had no business fantasizing about making love to her or to any woman. But she wasn't just anyone. She was special to him. Hadn't they both just admitted that?
The Shy Captain Page 15
