by Dean Murray
“Nuh-uh, sister. You let him have his snit. You’re going home,” she commanded.
I refused to let Micah carry me, shoving his hand away and glaring at him with all the contempt I could muster through my throbbing skull. Instead, I leaned heavily on Bethany as she led me out to the car. I laid down in the back seat, willing us to be home so I could stop my head from pounding and the nausea rolling through my system. Closing my eyes against the pain, I thought, Why would Micah care about me? Before I could ponder that question, the darkness that had been threatening to pull me under since I had awoken finally won, and I passed out again.
Later that night, after I had been able to lock myself in my room and heal my physical ailments, I stared at the computer screen trying to do homework. It was pointless. All I saw was Aidan’s face as Micah basically told him this was all his fault and I wasn’t interested. I replayed each second in my mind as he decided that Micah was right; he didn’t even ask me, didn’t even confirm what I thought. Why hadn’t I just spoken up? Shoved Bethany aside and forced my way between them? I was pissed off and my heart hurt — too bad I couldn’t fix that pain.
I wanted to call Aidan, but I didn’t have his number. I thought about emailing him, but explaining that I wanted him more than I had ever let on didn’t seem like something I should do over email. Frustrated, I slammed my hand down on my desk and watched the violet streaks shoot out like sparks, burning the wood.
I was so confused. I wanted Aidan. I didn’t want to want him, but was it so bad that I did? I mean, why couldn’t I want him? Why couldn’t I have anything of my own? I’d never had a boyfriend; I’d never even really had friends until now. Everyone in my life had either walked out on me or constantly reminded me of my failings. What about me was so terrible? Why did everyone feel so entitled to tell me how I needed to live? And, who in the hell just offers their daughter’s future to a queen everyone hates and her devil spawn?
“Dammit. Just DAMMIT! What about what I want?” I couldn’t stop myself from yelling the words. Bethany was at the library and, without truly thinking about it, I had given my power license to run rampant through my veins. I could feel the buzzing build from the ends of my hair to the tips of my toes as it flooded my system, going full throttle.
I needed a release. I stared down as the wisps of violet floated around my fingertips, curling around each digit and waiting to be sent somewhere. This was not going to be a night where I could shove it back down. I had never let my power loose of my own accord, but in that moment, I decided tonight was the night.
I grabbed an old sweatshirt, pulled my purse over and across my body, and let the front door slam behind me. The pent-up emotion I shouldn’t be letting get the best of me demanded loud and dramatic acts. I stomped down the stairs, my tennis shoes making a distinct thud on each step and echoing as I strode down the hall and toward the back door with purpose. Without even caring who saw me, I shot a blast and sent the door flying open. I allowed a wry smile as I walked through the door and saw the charred section where I’d struck. I was just getting started.
I walked the trails behind our complex, feeling as if I were floating. The dry dirt barely responded to my footfalls and the brush seemed to bend away from me. The release I needed would cause a scene and I needed some privacy. But, with every step I took, every second longer my power was off its leash, it seemed to double and triple in intensity, growing well past my ability to stop its trajectory.
I was aware, but I wasn’t. I made conscious decisions but then chose trails without knowing why. Thoughts continued to spin and swirl in my mind. Those, meshed with the emotions I couldn’t control and power I’d never felt, were a dangerous combination.
Aidan’s eyes flashed in my mind.
I want him. I want to know him. I want him to kiss me.
My hair was floating as if static electricity coursed through every strand, creating a popping cacophony as it danced around my head.
This is my life. I’m eighteen. Why can’t I want him?
I began to walk faster and the muscles in my legs started to burn. The ache was welcome, it brought me back to myself for a brief moment.
He doesn’t know or care what I am, and he still wants me.
I found myself pushing into the trees and off the formal trail — looking for what; I wasn’t sure — but knowing I was going where I needed to.
I heard my father’s voice in my mind. You can’t have him. The decision’s been made.
I let a scream of frustration out into the night, hearing the anguish echo softly back to me in the light breeze. Allowing my fingers to graze the solid tree trunks, I tried to let the sounds of the night overtake me. Soothe me. Calm me.
The choice isn’t yours. It never has been. It never will be.
I bit the inside of my lip, attempting to focus on the salty iron-tasting liquid and not my raging mind. I failed miserably.
Why? Why isn’t it mine? Why is no decision mine to make? Why isn’t he allowed to choose me?
I swallowed back the tears forcing themselves to the surface. I walked and walked, finding myself on the rocky ledge overlooking the water. I had no idea how far I’d gone but the walk had only increased my fury, not dampened it as I’d hoped.
But, he wants me. He’s choosing me.
As I stood on that ledge, I closed my eyes and let the waves of energy thrum through my system. I heard each heartbeat whoosh in my ears and was more alert and alive than I had ever been. Yet, I felt nothing like myself. The tingles in my fingertips told me it was time to let it loose. Energy pushed from the inside out and I expected my skin to stretch and bulge from the pressure trying to force its way from me. In that moment, I allowed myself not to care. For just one minute, I decided to do what felt right. As my hair floated in a dark cloud around me and the breeze whipped around my body, I simply let go. I allowed every wall I had built, every fence I had erected to come crashing down. I pulled from the darkest recesses of my soul and gathered each molecule of power I had denied.
No one was watching. No one was judging. There was no one on this deserted stretch of rock but me. I opened my eyes to see violet streams pouring from my palms. White slashes shot through the purple blast, blending with the current connecting to the rocks below me. They shattered. Boulders the size of beach balls were obliterated into clouds of dust that disappeared as each wave hit and dragged the bits and pieces back out into the black water.
I couldn’t help but laugh as I moved my hands and directed the bursts. The beach slowly grew larger as the rock piles disappeared. I had created my own symphony of light as I tried to vary the intensity and destruction of each blast. The sky was lit in violet and glowing white. The clarity and crispness I saw in everything around me was breathtaking. I held my hands in front of me and saw the shifting violet smoke weave its way up my arms and around my torso.
I’d never known this feeling. The only releases I’d ever experienced were the ones I failed to stop and those were wrought with shame and fear of the consequences.
Tonight, though — tonight was mine. I stood on those cliffs for as long as my body would let me blow the rocks below to smithereens. Shooting blasts out into the water and watching it erupt as if it were the Bellagio water show. Violet bursts of light flew from my palms, growing and shrinking in tandem with the mental commands I was giving. I couldn’t believe how freeing it was to push all of that energy out of me. To allow it to freely move within me and around me, guiding my thoughts and actions. In the same moment, I saw through my own eyes and those of an outsider peering back at me. I felt whole and powerful. While I wanted to continue on forever, I knew I had to stop. Reigning my ecstatic power back in, I felt satisfied.
I regretted the act, but it was necessary to pull the strands back toward my core, escorting them back to the safety of their little corner inside me. I could feel the frustration, how much it hated being tied down and not allowed to accompany me in the way we just had, but I was tired.
Feelin
g the last rogue bits of energy resign to their corner, my body became solely my own once again and I was suddenly overtaken with fatigue. I slowly dropped to the ground. Folding in half and then falling to my knees, each one of my muscles seemed to give way at the same time. I tried to reach out and steady myself on a nearby tree but my vision wobbled, zooming in and out. My arm and hand appeared as one, then four, then two, and back to one again. As I tried to find my balance and push myself up, the dark veil of exhaustion reached up and took hold, collapsing me into the dirt.
I awoke hours later. The sun was starting to come up and as the light hit the water, the sky bloomed in oranges and pinks, the water reflecting the start of a new day. I struggled to open my eyes and felt the grit of the sand on my cheek. My arm was still outstretched and every muscle in my body moaned as I struggled to sit up. I managed to pull myself to a seated position and sat with my knees drawn and my arms folded on top of them. I stared out at the sea. I was dirty and tired but actually at peace.
I thought back on my rage and what I was able to do with my power. The night seemed like it had happened to someone else, like I was seeing my memories playing on someone else’s TV. And, though the catalyst was Aidan, the real source of my angst rested with my father. It was laced in our every interaction, in every moment I failed to maintain control and he withheld the only thing I needed from him because of it. He had walked away from me again and again, leaving me to fend for myself; to close myself off and distance myself from the power that sat at the core of who I was. After tonight, I knew for certain that I had no idea who I truly was.
I was an Elder. The only female Elder, apparently. My destiny was set, based on power I barely understood. Power that could be used to cause more harm to our people. Maybe I could stop the queen; maybe nights like tonight were just the beginning. I hadn’t chosen this, but it had chosen me.
With a sigh, I pushed myself to stand, knowing that what I wanted still didn’t matter. Just like I always had, I would make the choices I’d been told to make. Realizing I would have to push Aidan away caused a deep ache to pulse inside of me, my gut clenching in physical response. Our game couldn’t continue. Soon, I wouldn’t be strong enough to walk away. It wasn’t an option to stay.
I snuck back in to the apartment and was, thankfully, able to drop onto my bed just before Bethany’s alarm went off in the next room. I was exhausted but knew what needed to happen. My father was on my mind, so I shot Rynna a quick text asking for an update. I wanted to not care, but I’d been bound by duty for too long.
Chapter 6
All day long I was well aware that Comp class was coming and I was dreading it. I didn’t know how to handle Aidan. It wasn’t like we were officially dating, but there was clearly something there. There was more than casual banter and we both knew it. Now, I had to stop it. I was essentially breaking up with him before we started dating.
I worried that I would see that look again, the one he’d worn as he walked away from me last week. Under my own constant waffling, I could feel my power fizzing and popping angrily in its little corner, threatening to burst out. While being around Aidan set my magic off in an entirely different way than I had ever known, it had never been negative. I always walked away from him feeling a sense of happiness I had never found anywhere else.
I was sitting on a picnic table outside, lost in my own thoughts. I hated knowing what was coming. Knowing that even though it technically was my choice to walk away, it didn’t feel like one. It wasn’t the choice I wanted. Suddenly, I heard a loud thwack and a backpack landed next to me. Micah plopped down at the table, sitting opposite of me.
“Um, can I help you?” I had successfully avoided him and his prying questions for a few days, but I couldn’t outrun him forever.
“I have been looking for you, Amelia.” He cocked his head, his blond hair getting a little wind-blown since it wasn’t tied back. He shoved a hand through it, putting me directly in the path of his bright blue eyes. “We need to talk. I think you have some explaining to do.”
I honestly had no idea what to say. I just stared at him, wondering what to do next. I was shocked when he leaned in with a mischievous gleam in his eyes and whispered, “We Mages have to stick together, you know.” My jaw dropped and was still hanging open when Bethany swooped in moments later. By the look of it, she knew Micah would be finding us at lunch today. She was in her favorite skinny jeans with the sparkly design on the butt, a flowing electric-pink top, and four-inch stilettos. I had never been happier to see her than in that moment. Micah didn’t miss a beat, he scooted over and gave her a killer smile.
“I swear I’m going to fail French,” she whined as she tossed her silver Coach handbag on the seat next to her. It was more of a luggage piece with handles, but “a girl could never be unprepared”. I was fairly certain she could save a small country with what’s in that bag. I focused in on Bethany, refusing to acknowledge Micah and his blatant admission. I’d seen his eyes after the incident with Aidan and I’d assumed he was also a Mage, but I’d never known a Mage to just out themselves like that.
“The instructor hates me,” she continued. “I don’t understand all the verb tenses and I can’t even figure out how to ask where the bathroom is. Does she not understand growing up in Mississippi means I’ve already mastered what most consider a foreign language?” Bethany dropped her head back and groaned loudly, pulling me out of my own head as I stifled a laugh at her theatrics.
Micah also chuckled as he turned to face her. I wanted to be happy that he was giving her so much attention, but I had to keep myself from scowling at him as I wondered what he was doing with a human. How was it that he was lucky enough to get to make his own choices? Then, as Aidan crept into my head once again, I realized that was the pot calling the kettle black. I couldn’t stick around to witness him being able to have the thing I was about to give up.
“Well, I’m going to let you guys sort this out. I’ve gotta get going anyway. Later!” I couldn’t move to grab my backpack and untangle myself from the table fast enough. As I turned to walk away, I caught a look from Micah that clearly told me our conversation wasn’t over. Bethany gave him a shove and demanded his attention again, taking his focus off of me. God love her, I was so happy she could keep him occupied. “Bye, Ame! See ya later,” she chirped. The last thing I heard was her giggle as I hurried away.
He’s here. He is here. Dammit, he’s already here! I couldn’t believe my eyes as I walked into class and found Aidan, once again, in my seat. This time though, he was the only one in the room. He turned around, as if he were simply biding his time, waiting for me to arrive. He stood and gestured to the seat he had just vacated. “I was just making sure no one else took it. I didn’t want to cause any more issues.” I’m sure he meant it to be funny, to make it easier to broach the topic of what had happened last week, but him making the incident a big joke just sent me over the edge.
“Can you just stop? I mean, for once, Aidan, can you just stop with all the funny-guy flirting? Didn’t you get the message the other day? I’m not interested. We’re not doing this…this thing we’ve been doing…anymore. So just stop.” My voice was cold and callous as my insides were shredded and my power flared in response to my words, sending a clear message that it disagreed with my choice. Lightning zipped through me, trying to push out and reach toward Aidan. I dropped my backpack to the ground and crossed my arms across my chest, trying to protect myself from my own undoing.
I had known what I wanted to say, but I hadn’t intended to just blurt it out like that or use those exact words. I hadn’t meant to sound like a rude and intolerable bitch. But, I did and I had, and the expression on his face made me regret every syllable. His smile instantly disappeared and the laughter in his eyes died, replaced by hurt and anger.
“So that’s it then, you just decided?” he exploded. “That’s just great. I was going to apologize for being a jerk the other day, for what it’s worth.” With that, he picked up his backpack
, moved to the front of the room and didn’t speak again. After class, I wanted to stay and apologize. I tried to reach out to him as he walked by but he looked down at me with so much disdain, I couldn’t find the words.
“Don’t do that,” he said with a snarl. “Don’t apologize to me. Just own it, Amelia.” He rarely used my name and that one word held so much contempt, I hoped to never hear it again. He stalked away and I stayed in that seat for much longer than I anticipated, waiting for the threatening tears to pass. I had mistakenly thought we could just flirt and play and no one had to get hurt. Unfortunately, now we both were. He just didn’t know it.
“What happened? Honey, you’re forgetting again.” Bethany held up her pinkie as a reminder that I was withholding information yet again. She settled herself on the opposite end of the couch from me and crossed her legs over each other, the look on her face relaying that she didn’t hold much patience in waiting for me to start spilling my guts.
I wanted to talk about it, I wanted to share every last detail and be the best friend I was supposed to be, but all I had thought about all day long was how dangerous this world was for humans. How my own selfish wants to be “normal” and “have my own life” really meant that I would drag people into my crazy world who didn’t belong there. But, I had to say something. I wanted to say something.
“I don’t know, B.” She was glaring at me when I looked up, daring me to lie. “I just…I mean…just, dammit.” I rubbed my hands over my face and yanked my hair back, using the band around my wrist to control the tangled mess. “The Aidan thing is done.”
As the word “done” left my lips, it held such a finality in my mind that the tears I had been pushing back all day let loose with fervor. Before I could stop it, I was sobbing uncontrollably. I’m sure it made no sense for me to be losing it over a guy I’d never even been on a date with, but Bethany would never know the depth of where those tears came from, of everything I’d never had that I’d already given up.
