by Dean Murray
When I closed my eyes, all I saw were those sea foam green eyes with brown speckles in them, and I knew my desire was not at all for Seth. I needed to stop this.
Seth’s smile faded away. He looked briefly to the ceiling as if he needed his composure before his mouth would cooperate. Then finally in a remorseful voice, “This has been the worst day of my entire life. I feel so powerless to help you. I need you to be okay. Do you understand?” He didn’t break his stare or pull his hand away from me.
I nodded, but after feeling the intensity of his stare, I needed to calm him down, if that was even possible. “Seth, I’m fine, really. I’ve never been shot before, and honestly hope never to repeat it, but I feel okay. The doctor says I’m going to be fine.” I tried to switch gears on him and asked, “Where’s Mom?”
“Molly went home to take a shower. The doctor said you wouldn’t wake up for a while. She should be back any time. I’ll call her and let her know you’re awake again.”
The nurse came in with a lunch tray, then rolled an odd-looking table over the bed in front of me. She adjusted the bed so that I was seated nearly upright, and the table was at exactly the right height. I peered at the unappealing tray of food she had set in front of me. She filled my glass with water again and could see my disappointment. “Sorry Sweetie, this is the standard tray. I’ll bring you a menu so you can pick your meals for the remainder of your stay. You don’t have any dietary restrictions, so you can eat chocolate ice cream for every meal if you want.” She giggled a little and her less serious mood was exactly what I needed. I picked up the fork, “Well, thanks,” and pushed the food around a little. She gave me a half smile and disappeared out the door again.
I was pretty sure the meat was chicken, but it had creamy stuff all over it. Peas were my least favorite vegetable and there was a near mountain of them on my plate. The biscuit was hard as a rock, and to top it all off – tapioca pudding. I can’t imagine who would want this meal – certainly not me. After poking everything, I realized no matter how hungry I was, I wouldn’t find this lunch appetizing. Without trying to sound pathetic, I asked, “Seth, do you think you could get me some real food?” I looked at him hopefully, knowing he didn’t want to leave.
“Sure, what do you want?”
“Chicken and French fries would be great, but at this point I’ll take anything with grease.” He rolled his eyes at me. Seth had never approved of my eating habits but made no effort to try to dissuade me this time.
“Your mom should be back anytime. I’ll go get you something as soon as she gets here.” Seth saw the disappointment on my face and smiled knowingly, “Okay, I’ll go now. You’re right, I’ll probably beat her back here.” He delayed for a second as if he were arguing with himself.
“Seth, really, I’m okay. It’s okay to leave me. I’m just really hungry.” He nodded and started to turn around to leave, then stopped and stepped back toward me. He leaned down to kiss my forehead and whispered in my ear, “I’ll be right back. I miss you already.” He hesitated for just a second, then walked out.
I sat in silence for a minute. I was tired but not enough to nap again. I saw a television mounted on the wall and looked for a remote. There had to be one around here somewhere. I began to rifle through the drawer of the table the nurse had wheeled in front of me. The drawer’s contents included several old magazines, some hospital stationery, a couple pens, but no remote. I saw the table beside my bed and tried to angle my hand around the bed rail to open the drawer when a voice startled me.
“Is this where the town’s biggest hero is staying? I have to say I expected a little better accommodations for someone who single handedly foiled the town’s first armed robber in years. Threw yourself in front of a speeding bullet and everything. I expected you’d be in the penthouse suite.” The happy voice came booming in; I could hardly contain my excitement when I realized it was Max.
The events in the ambulance came flooding in. I was so thrilled to see him, I felt giddy. I nearly shrieked, “You remembered!” but regained my composure just before I could make a complete idiot out of myself. Up until Max walked through the door, my pulse had been a steady 60 beats per minute.
As soon as I realized it was Max coming through the door, my pulse began to increase steadily, and I knew at this point if I couldn’t get it under control someone was going to rush in with a syringe, and I might never be able to talk to him. I consciously willed my pulse to stay slow; it was at 95, but it hadn’t increased quickly enough to sound the monitor’s alarm.
Even with a concerted effort to try to contain my thrill at seeing him, I nearly squealed, “Hi Max, I’m glad you came.” Did that sound too needy? Play it cool, Lauren. Don’t scare him off.
His jovial mood was evident in every movement as he stepped through the door. He teased, “Lauren, are you kidding me? How could I not come? I stopped by earlier but Doc Gracie had just knocked you out. How’ya feelin?” His smile warmed the room, and I hardly paid attention to what he was saying. I stole a glance at the monitor again; it displayed 101 as I took a slow deep breath, willing it to slow down.
“Much better. The Doc filled my tank. He said I came in a couple quarts low last night.”
“Looks like you have a bunch of admirers from all the flowers. I don’t think I’ve ever seen so many in one room.” At least he was better at small talk than I was. My mind raced, and anxiety crept forward with the realization that if we ran out of things to talk about, he might leave.
He had been about six feet away from me. I smiled as I looked at the flowers lining my entire room. After a few seconds my gaze left the flowers and went to his face. “Max, could you come a little closer?” I tried to motion for him to come closer but was quickly reminded that the tubes wouldn’t allow me much movement. He could see my frustration and moved right beside my bed.
He rested his hand lightly on the bed rail near my hand. I felt strange, a little nervous. Should I take his hand? What if he pulls it away? I ever-so-slightly inched my fingers closer to his, so close that only the width of a credit card separated us.
Unsure what to say, all I got out was, “Hi.”
Max leaned toward me a quarter inch, and his knuckles brushed against mine. With a sheepish smile and in barely more than a whisper, he responded, “Hi.”
For such a simple exchange, I was profoundly affected. If anyone had walked in right then, they would have looked away in embarrassment and tried to give us some privacy. I didn’t have any idea what to say to him, but at the same time had so much I needed for him to know. I looked at him, maybe into him.
Could this strange connection I had with him really be one-sided? Had I been visiting his dreams? “I’m glad you’re going to be fine, Lauren.” I loved the way he said my name. His voice sounded exactly the same as it did all those nights in my dreams. It was really him. He was really here. A tender hand reached down to mine: a look of shock was visible on his face at the same time I felt an electric current shoot through me - not painful, but powerful.
My heart rate spiked to 120, which was enough that the monitor came to life. Max loosened his hold on my hand and turned his attention to the monitor. The nurse came into the room quickly and all but pushed Max out of the way. Max’s tone was apologetic, “I’d better get out’a here.”
Rapid fear shot through me. “No, stay,” I blasted a little too authoritatively and definitely too loud. I told myself to calm down and added, “Nurse, really, it’s nothing. I don’t want another shot; I was just happy to see Max.” Willing my heart to slow down, it cooperated a bit as it slowed to 118, then a few seconds later to 116. “Please, I really want to see him for a few minutes.”
Her nametag read “Felicia.” She shot a disapproving look, “Max, if it hits 125, you had better be prepared to explain to Doctor Gracie.” She turned to me, and the harshness of her tone had evaporated, “All right, dear, but just a few minutes. You haven’t been out of surgery very long, and we need to keep you as stable as possible.�
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Max looked at the nurse, “Thanks, Felicia.” It hadn’t occurred to me, but Max probably knew the entire hospital staff. “I won’t stay long.”
I still had no idea what to say to Max but was sure that if I didn’t say something soon, he would leave, and I might never see him again. The miserable thought kicked my brain into high gear. “Max, I’m sorry about my heart not cooperating. I’m sure it’s from all the drugs in me.”
I knew I wanted to really talk to him, but the awkwardness of being in a hospital nearly tongue-tied me. “I wanted to thank you for everything…” I trailed off, unable to articulate anything more. His eyes were a mere few feet away and were truly breathtaking. The light green was like nothing I’d ever seen before, at least not outside my dreams, and the brown specs were so predominant, they were in one word – amazing. Realizing that I was staring, I quickly broke contact.
“It’s my job, Lauren. I’m glad we were the ones on the scene.” He was just as nervous as I was. I could hear it in his voice. Why was he so nervous? Max wasn’t the one with crazy dreams about destiny, and his heart hadn’t stopped when he met me. I must be imagining it, projecting my emotions onto him to better justify them to myself.
My heart rate began to climb again: it hit 122 as I again clutched his hand, feeling the same electric pulse race through me. I had to take a deep breath to steady myself. I was thankful that I was lying down, confident that if I had been standing, I would have lost my balance. “I can’t explain it, but I know I’m not going to be able to keep my heart from racing again.” A little nervous and fearing rejection, I asked, “I’m a little spent. I’m really glad you came to see me, and I was wondering if you wouldn’t mind meeting me outside of the hospital? Nothing major, I just have weird memories from last night and wanted to talk to you about them.” There, I had said it and didn’t sound like a freak, just someone who had gone through a traumatic experience looking for some answers.
There was a notable pause as he stumbled on his answer, “Lauren, I really . . . I’m not sure if . . . Maybe it would be better . . .” He trailed off and I was sure he was trying to find a nice way of saying no thanks. His tone was dismissive, but my stare never wavered.
Not wanting to let him off the hook, I asked with a little more urgency, “Max, it’s important to me.” My eyes were pleading and my hand held his tighter. “The doctor says I’ll be out in a couple days, and I really want to see you, even if only for a couple minutes.”
His expression gave him away and I felt like he was, what? Happy, maybe, to be put on the spot? “Lauren, I’d like to see you again. It’s just that I came here earlier and I thought, well, I was under the impression . . . Never mind . . . Yes, yes, I’ll call you.” I wasn’t convinced with his hesitation that he really wanted to see me again. Not wanting to take a chance, I added, “Would you mind putting your phone number on the back of this card. I’d hate to have to take another bullet to try to find you again.” I pulled the note card from the closest flower arrangement and handed it to him.
He smiled more broadly than before and reached into his pocket and took out a business card, “Here, this has all my numbers.” He had an odd expression, which I couldn’t place. I was worried he was going to bolt out of the room when he remarked, “I talked to Doctor Gracie this morning after he had to stabilize your heart. He said he was planning to run some more tests in the next couple days. Did he say when he thought he’d release you?”
He tucked the card behind the card from Melissa on the holder in the flower arrangement. I was thankful that he did because it was where I could easily reach it, yet it was hidden enough that I wouldn’t have to explain to anyone why I had it.
“He just told me that if things keep going well, maybe two more days.”
“I’m glad you’re going to call me, but do you mind if I stop back while you’re here? I’m normally at Saint Joe’s at least once a night and could pop in and see if you need anything?”
I managed to get out, “I’d like that.”
“I’d better go. I am really glad you’re okay. You’ve got all my numbers. Call me anytime… day or night . . . even if . . . well, call me whenever you want.” He squeezed my hand one final time and shot me another huge smile, then turned and walked away. He paused at the doorway just for a moment and turned back to look at me. “Lauren . . . I’m glad you’re doing so well. I’m sure this isn’t the most appropriate time to ask, but when you feel up to it and want to get together, maybe we could go out for dinner or something?”
I managed to smile but could think of nothing clever to say. “I’d like that.”
“Great! I mean . . . I’m really glad that you . . . never mind,” his face looked squarely at the floor. “I’ll stop by tonight if I have a run to the hospital. I need to get home and catch some zees.” He was blushing as he stepped out the door.
I looked at the monitor: it was at 123, but slowly descending to normal. The next several hours were a flurry of doctors, nurses, and visitors. By the time visiting hours were over, I was completely exhausted and yearning for sleep.
Dad had been out of town on a business trip but flew in late in the afternoon. I was glad to see him, but my mind was still preoccupied with meeting Max. After he’d checked his phone for messages and wore a particularly urgent expression, I told him, “It’s fine Dad. Mom and Seth are here. I’m okay. You don’t need to stay here.”
He smiled, “It’s nothing that can’t wait a couple days.” He was a liar - a worse liar than I was.
“Dad, it’s fine. I’m glad you came to check on me, but you don’t have to hang out. Go do what you’ve gotta do.” He was up for some big promotion at work; I didn’t want to put it in jeopardy, and the four of us were running out of things to talk about.
Mom stood up and gave him a kiss on the cheek, “Go home and get some sleep. You look like hell.”
He winked at her, but didn’t argue. “All right, I know when I’m not wanted. Call if you need anything, Lauren.”
For the next few hours Mom and Seth took turns getting coffee, changing channels on the television, reading the paper. The two were making me nervous sitting there. By nine p.m. I couldn’t take it anymore, “You both look worn out. I’m just going to be sleeping anyway, so why don’t you two go home and get some rest and come back tomorrow. If I need anything, the nurses are just a few feet away.”
Reluctantly and after a great deal of prodding, they both decided they would go home for a few hours but promised to be back before breakfast. The nurses came back through at least once an hour, charting my vitals, refilling my water pitcher, checking all the gauges. My body was stiff from lying still for so long, so I asked the nurse if I could get out of bed for a little bit.
“Sorry, Lauren, no activity for twenty-four hours. Your leg was all but shattered, and the swelling needs to go down from the surgery. We have to keep your leg immobile and raised above your heart to keep the swelling down, or you will never get out of here. Putting any pressure on it right now is not a good idea. Just sit tight and you’ll be mobile again soon.” She dimmed the lights in my room and walked toward the door, “I won’t be back until midnight to check on you again unless you call me. Do you need anything before I go?” I assured her I was fine.
Once I was alone in my room, I looked at the flower arrangement with Max’s card sticking out - begging me to pick it up.
Chapter Five
I stared at the phone. This was the first time I had been alone all day. What was Max doing? It wouldn’t be too desperate to just call and say hi, would it? I reached for his card. He hadn’t been kidding; the card had his home number, work number, and cell. If I got him on the phone, what would I say? Let’s see, probably stay away from the whole, “I saw you in a dream” topic, and try not to mention that every time he’s near me my heart starts pumping in overdrive. I should avoid talking about Seth.
Seth. As I stared at the phone, this call seemed like a huge betrayal. Seth was a great friend - my b
est friend for as long as I could remember. I had to admit that earlier today, for the first time ever, I almost believed there could be something more between Seth and me. I knew there was a reaction in me, but I dismissed it. I’d never felt that way about him. I knew I couldn’t ever feel that way about him. He had taken me by surprise by what he’d said: that was the reaction I’d had to Seth’s words - surprise. I looked at Max’s card again and couldn’t help but feel guilty.
My mind wandered to Max again. After all these years, finding out that my dream was really more than a dream was too enticing a prospect. It wasn’t like Max and I had an official date planned, just a dinner. He saved my life; of course, I would want to get together with him to say thanks. Anyone in the same situation would want to talk to the person who was responsible for a second chance at life. It wasn’t like I was cheating on Seth or anything. A phone call to say hello couldn’t possibly be a betrayal of Seth.
Who was I trying to convince? I couldn’t even be within ten feet of Max without my heart trying to race out of my chest. When Max was near me, I felt like he was supposed to be there. Forgetting how he made my mind spin and my heart race - there was a physical draw. That heart monitor flying into a rapid alarm mode was embarrassing enough, but when our hands touched, I know I felt an electric shock. That surge of electricity couldn’t possibly be a normal attraction, but was it just me or did he feel it, too?
I picked up the phone. I dialed Max’s home number, and after the fourth ring his message played, “Hello, Max and Missy are busy. Leave a message, and if we like you, we’ll call you back….beeeeeep.”
I was shocked by the message and didn’t know what to say. I could only get out, “I, uh, was calling for . . . Max . . . ” I hung up abruptly. What was I thinking? He had a girlfriend and she lived with him! How could I be so stupid? What was I thinking? Max and Missy, well, wasn’t that cute? Why would he give me his home number? He wasn’t brave enough to tell me to my face that he couldn’t see me, so he took the easy way out and let me find out on my own. I’m such an idiot.
