Just before her father snapped the picture, Bethanie had closed her eyes, taking in the sensations for a brief moment as she was ensconced in the trailing ends of their headdresses, imagining herself one of them. The feathers tickled her legs from her thighs to her feet because of the pink shorts she wore along with her favorite pair of sandals. When she opened her eyes, the flash of the camera burst, and for a brief second she knew she belonged there with them.
She returned to the present moment, the powwow went on all around her. Feeling the sun on her skin, she looked around as that same feeling of belonging returned to her. The host drums kept up a faithful beat as she held onto Lillie’s hand and threw herself into the dance. Feeling the rhythm of the drums resonating deep inside her soul, she danced with abandon. Stepping in rhythm with the drum, she was absorbed for the beautiful minutes she danced, not worrying about what her brothers or sisters might think of her. No one's opinion of her mattered. Because, she realized, she was a part of something larger than herself and her happiness lay in her own hands. It had never belonged in the approval of others.
Then, perhaps because of where she was and what she was doing, she remembered something. It was buried deep within her, hidden by time and experience, something that her mind would perhaps never fully recall. But she knew it was there because her soul remembered. Akin to déjà vu, only much, much more, she belonged there.
Was it possible that she had come to this school because she belonged here? That she had met and fallen in love with Shadow because she belonged with him? That she was here at this powwow because she belonged here? Was that what was meant by God's plan for our lives? And the answer filled her with peace, the peace that she had been searching for all this time. She discovered that the peace was within her, not something that some people had and others did not. She knew now that she would be okay, no matter what happened.
Shadow watched her dancing through hooded eyes as she moved her body in the ancient rhythm of the host drums. He watched her hips sway, the gentle rocking of her breasts, her feet padding lightly on the earth, her hair blowing in the breeze, the sun shining on the ivory skin of her arms and her calves. Jealous of all the places that the sun could touch, that he could not, he made up his mind right there. He had to have her, to keep her for his own, because she was his own, his own owl girl.
As the music stopped, the Master of Ceremonies announced a break for the host drums while the dancers prepared for the next song, which would be part of the competition.
Shadow had watched her long enough. The attraction he had tried to deny was too strong. He was dying inside without her.
He took Bethanie by the hand as she left the circle. He bought a fry bread from one of the vendors for both of them. It was the most delicious thing she had ever put in her mouth. The sweet and airy dough melted in her mouth.
As they ate, Bethanie wondered about the woman Shadow had arrived with, and she inadvertently caught the other woman's eye. Bethanie's heart began to race when she realized that she was headed straight for them.
“So, this is my competition, Shadow?” the dark-haired woman said as she glided to Shadow’s side. She stuck out her hand to Bethanie. “I'm Maria. You must be Bethanie. I could tell by Shadow's description.” The woman shook Bethanie's hand and smiled. “I've heard a lot about you. You're the one he's in love with.”
Bethanie blushed, but she seriously doubted what the woman said, considering that she was the one he was actually still in love with after all of these years.
Maria turned to Shadow and whispered, “Yes, Shadow, you told me all about her before you passed out. And nothing else happened if that's why you look like you're facing the firing squad.”
Maria rejoined her husband across the circle waved as Bethanie let go of the breath she had been holding. “She's very beautiful,” Bethanie said.
“Beauty comes from what's inside.” He looked sidelong at her. “And you, my dear, are beautiful.”
She thought he meant what he said, but with a woman like Maria, it was hard to believe that insides could really matter more than a beautiful exterior.
Shadow's thoughts had taken him in another direction entirely as he remembered the note Bethanie left him. “So, you thought you were rid of me?”
Bethanie was so taken off guard by his abrupt question, she did not know how to respond. All she could do was shake her head.
“I'd like to know the real reason why you left.”
“Because I thought it was the right thing to do for us both.”
“I don’t need you deciding what’s best for me.”
Bethanie felt properly chastised. “I’d also hoped to make amends with my family.”
“I can’t help but notice that now that you’ve got a chance, you haven't returned home. Changed your mind?”
“Yes. And I knew I couldn't stay with you, with the way things were between us.”
“Do you mean you didn't want to live with me any longer?”
“I only knew that living with you couldn’t last forever, no matter how good it was.”
“Got everything figured out do ya?” he sneered, his expression dark as he looked down at her.
She could feel his disdain for her emanating from him. His steely gray eyes bore into her, leaving her feeling as though she were cut open and bleeding. She expected to look down and see herself covered in her own blood. But she was not. She was still whole, on the outside, that is. The truth was that walking away from Shadow had left her feeling like half of the woman she had become.
“Thanks for everything, your note said. My God, Bethanie! Is that all that this was to you, what we had? Was I just a halfway house, an inn for you to bide your time in on your journey to bigger and better?”
“No. I've turned down that job. I've learned a lot about myself in the past few days.” She looked at the ground. “There's a lot of things that I need to work through. And I can't do that in West Virginia. That's my past.” She took a brave step towards Shadow whose gaze was still bearing down on her, all the while praying that she would have the strength to get over him when this was all over. “I'll be staying here where I belong. This is my home now. If there are any openings in animal studies here on campus, I've decided to apply for a job.”
“You do belong here.” He pulled her body against his chest, and she could feel his breath coming in and out heavily on her cheek. “With me.”
Bethanie's heart soared at the words she had wanted to hear him say. She turned her cheek to fit more fully against his chest, breathing him in. This man, this warrior, had fought for himself, for her, for her owls. And he had made her life heaven on earth. If only he wanted to marry her, she could stay with him forever. She stood on tip-toe, inching closer, trying to take more of him in, even as he held her in a vice grip against him. Finally, she was able to reach out to him, to touch her lips to his own hardened lips. She needed to kiss him, to say goodbye and to silently beg for his forgiveness.
He deepened the kiss, and Bethanie could feel all of his loneliness and pain. When he brought his other arm around her, bringing her into an embrace so sweet, so sincere, that it took her breath away, he said the words he had wanted to say since she had shared his bed.
“I love you, n'ya.” And all of the pain that he had endured over a lifetime, the loneliness he had felt at living on the outside, was forgotten. It did not matter to him anymore. All that mattered was the woman standing in front of him, Bethanie, the owl girl without a middle name.
Five minutes later, Shadow unlocked the front door, fumbling with the lock in his hurry to get inside. The urge to make love to her had been so overwhelming to him, compelling him that he sped the whole way home. Now that they were almost there, the force of his desire had not dampened. If anything, the minutes it had taken to drive home had ticked by so slowly that he thought that the road would stretch out in front of them forever.
Once inside his bedroom, Shadow quickly kicked off his boots and let them hit the floor w
ith a thud. He took her hands in his, guiding them to lift the hem of his t-shirt as he stepped out of his blue jeans. Now with nothing between them, he placed her small hands on his bare chest and closed his eyes, letting her touch sink into his skin.
No barriers stood in their way now. No worries about tender feelings not being returned this time. She knew now how much she meant to him.
A cool, fall breeze blew through the open bedroom window as the sheer curtains danced. Bethanie stood against the wall. He propped one arm against the wall and with his free hand opened the buttons of her dress that began at her chest and ended at her waist, one at a time, relishing in the slow revealing of her chest. He leaned over her, trailing hot kisses from her neck to the exposed swell of her breasts.
“I've waited for this moment since I first laid eyes on you,” Shadow whispered against her bare shoulder as he pressed kisses there. “I was a fool, Bethanie.”
“What do you mean?” Bethanie smiled against his hair.
“You've been mine from the moment I was inside you. You didn’t know it then. But you know it this time. You’re mine forever.”
Bethanie's expression sobered as a feeling of lightness spread throughout her entire body. She had always wanted to know she belonged to someone. Not in the sense of chattel, but in a way of knowing. Knowing that one possessed the other in just the same way one was possessed. That was what she had with Shadow. That was what she would always have with Shadow.
She returned his kisses, matching his passion as they became more and more heated. Opening up to him in a way that made her feel lost, he was her guide through this daydream. She only knew the sensations on her skin to be real where he kissed her lips, her ear, her neck, and her chest until he paused, lifting a strong hand to her breast, cupping her there and nearly overwhelming her completely. And when he leaned down to suckle her nipple, a cry escaped her that jarred her back to reality. But there was no guilt for her this time. She had made up her mind that God, whomever God was, whatever God was, wherever God was, had made this act a gift to mankind. And one did not feel guilty when receiving a gift, one just received and shared in return.
And with that as her last coherent thought, she allowed herself to be swept away in an overwhelming passion she had never known til now and one that only Shadow could offer her.
Shadow opened his eyes in the middle of the night. He lay on his back and could see the beauty of the full moon through the window, hanging low in the sky, begging to be admired. He kissed the top of Bethanie's head, hoping she was awake enough to enjoy the sight of it with him.
Snuggling up next to the warmth of his body, Bethanie pressed her naked body against the hard length of him. Her palm rested on his bare chest as she remained fully in the grip of sleep.
Shadow knew what it was to be truly loved in that moment when she reached for him in her sleep. He felt her hand on him like a firebrand and his body stiffened in response. He did not think he would ever to be able to sate himself. With her body, he felt like an addict. He would never get enough.
He rolled over onto his side, pressing kisses up and down her side until the sensitive areas his lips touched caused her to awaken. In the dark, their eyes met. He kept his eyes wide open, seeing only Bethanie, his love, the future mother of his children. Rolling onto his back, he took her with him.
“Bethanie,” he ground out as she opened her legs, straddling him.
Finding him already aroused, she placed him inside herself and he immediately grabbed hold of her hips, rocking their bodies until they were both breathless. The shudder that took her first swept him away along with her into sweet oblivion. When their bodies had stilled, Bethanie fell across his chest, kissing the hills and valleys of the taught skin there until they both drifted asleep fully spent.
When morning finally came, Bethanie surprised herself by waking before Shadow who was usually up before the sun. This morning however, sunlight filled the room and Shadow's chest rose and fell with the steady breathing of one sound asleep. She smiled to herself that their lovemaking had been the reason he still slept.
She ducked her head beneath the quilt as a devilish impulse occurred to her. She slid down the long length of his body, finding him fully aroused in his sleep. Placing kisses on his flat belly and inner thighs, she felt him stiffen even more as she took him into her mouth.
His breath hissed in, her name on his lips. He threw back the covers and slid his hand into her hair where he held her gently in place, letting her know that what she was doing was exactly what he wanted.
She played, fully enjoying herself, immersed in this most carnal of acts. His reaction was so encouraging to her that she even surprised herself with her novice's skill.
Suddenly without warning, Shadow lifted her up onto his fully erect penis. He rolled and tucked her beneath him where he placed his hands behind her knees and her feet on his back.
She clung to him for dear life as he plunged into her, and she cried out his name over and over.
With his fingertip, found her most sensitive nub where he circled. Leaning over her, he suckled each rose-tipped nipple until she was moaning.
The release that took them both by surprise rose and fell on her name from his lips.
When their breaths returned to normal, Shadow gathered her into his arms and held her. “Now, I'm going to escort my n’ya to her owl's nest. I know you can't go long without checking on them.”
Bethanie smiled, wondering what she had done to deserve someone like him. She had spent most of her life thinking that for all the bad things she had done, she deserved everything that she got. But Shadow had her asking herself what she had done right?
They got dressed and walked hand in hand into the sunlight, past the lake and into the fields. When they reached the nesting site, Bethanie found Mike, the father owl, sitting alone inside. “The adolescent owls must have finally decided to make their own homes,” Bethanie said. “He's waiting for her.” She looked thoughtfully at the male owl. “He knows that Carol's alive, and he's waiting for her to come back to him.”
Bethanie said goodbye to Mike for now, and Shadow helped her down. On the last rung of the pole, he took her by the hand. “I’ve got you.”
“Now, I'm sure there's no Hell.” She had fallen in love with Shadow on the night that she swam with him for the first time in her life, together under the moon and stars. Suddenly, she realized how differently she thought of God now. As a child, she had feared and resented God because she had been told that he created humans to do his will. If that were the case, then why give people a will of their own? It did not make sense. Polarizing God had been man's doing. God had not changed. God did not divide things into right and wrong, anymore than the sun and moon were at odds. And if loving Shadow put her at odds with her family, then she would accept the consequences, she decided. “How could there be a place called Hell, when I've already lived it here on Earth?”
There was a smile on Shadow's face, but not because of what Bethanie had just said. It struck him that her life had been filled with pain up to now. And he vowed to himself right there and then to always keep her from it. “Stay with me, Bethanie, always.” Shadow’s gaze bored into her cornflower blue eyes, begging her to say yes. “I'll keep you safe from now on. I won't let anyone or anything hurt you or your owls ever again.”
“Yes, Shadow. I'll stay.” And she knew that she would be safe from hell as long as she had Shadow.
The two of them were already well on their way to becoming a family, making her dearest dream come true. And more than that, she would have peace. Fear was going to be a part of her life that she would have to accept, but here with Shadow, who loved her and she him, she would have the only thing that she knew to be real. She would have the only thing that could heal this life. She would have love.
Epilogue
For the third time in her life, Bethanie had to appear before a judge. The first time had been under the horrible circumstances of her father's death and the secon
d time when she and Shadow married. Now, this, the third time, along with her therapist and attorney, she recounted to the judge her vivid recollection of the events of the night her father had been shot and killed. She also stated her desire to see her mother's sentence transmuted to time served. Fortunately for all, the judge agreed.
Ultimately, it was Bethanie's deepest desire to reconcile with her mother. But for the time being, it was not meant to be. Her mother decided to move back in with her brothers and sisters after she was released from prison. In the mean time though, Bethanie still held out hope that while raising her twin girls, yet to be born, one day she would open her front door and standing there would be her mother.
Morning sickness had kept Bethanie at home for the past month and finally, she was out of the house, buying the baby sling she had had her eye. After having read all about how good they were for both mother and child, she had to have one. The shopkeeper placed it into a white gift bag for her to carry home along with the rest of her purchases, two matching pink sleepers and a package of organic, biodegradable diapers.
Bethanie signed her new name to the credit card receipt, Bethanie Walker. Since their wedding two months prior, she had taken Shadow's last name as her own and decided to keep Hutchinson as her middle name, as all of the women in her family had done before her. Her past made her what she was today, and she never wanted to forget that. She thought how the name was perfectly suited to her now. But middle name or not, she would always be Shadow’s n'ya.
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