by Cherrie Lynn
But somehow, after everything they’d put each other through, this was the first time he’d felt protective of her in years. This woman he’d once loved, who’d mothered his children, who now looked so broken. “Heidi,” he said to her back as he followed her into his living room. “Wait.”
Her eyes were already streaming as she turned. She didn’t respond, only looked at him expectantly. How many times had he seen her cry in his life? Two, maybe three tops? Tears had never been her weapon. She wielded plenty others well enough, though. Sighing, he opened his arms, and she flew into them, clinging to him fiercely while she sobbed into his T-shirt.
It was an odd feeling for her to be here again. Like trying on old clothes you’d outgrown. But these kids didn’t deserve for their parents to be fighting and screaming every time they were in a room together. “I’m sorry, Eli,” she sniffled. “I’m so sorry.”
Maybe she was, or maybe she was only sorry she got caught out, but whatever the case, it was behind them now. “I’ll make a deal with you,” he said gently. “From here on, we do better. You and I both. We’ll be a unified front. Because what we were doing? It wasn’t working. You know it wasn’t.”
“I know,” she said, not easing her grip on him in the slightest. Then, so quiet he almost couldn’t hear her, “Nic wants me to marry him.”
He’d expected that announcement to come any day now. Hell, he’d expected it for years. “And?”
Finally, she stepped away from him, drawing a breath, composing herself. “I’d rather keep on going the way we are. I don’t think it’s the answer right now.”
“It shouldn’t be an answer to anything. Get married because you love the guy or don’t do it at all. I think that was a big part of our problem, doing so much for the show of it.”
She nodded, her lashes still spiky with tears as she stared toward the floor. “I know.”
“I was still crazy about you, though.”
“I know that too. And I was crazy about you, but . . . we had Seger and you were gone so much. It’s not your fault, I’m not saying that at all, but I went through a bad time. I’m not trying to make myself look better at this point, it’s simply the truth. I didn’t know how to deal with anything and I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”
“Did I ever do anything to make you feel that way?”
Only then did her blue eyes flicker back up to his. “I thought you did. My therapist didn’t. She thought it was all in my head. It probably was.”
Of course, his instinct was to assure himself he’d done all he could to save his marriage, but fact of the matter was, he hadn’t. He hadn’t fought, at least not hard; he’d let it go. He didn’t want to do the same thing now, with Iris, but what choice did he have?
He had more respect for both Heidi and Iris in that moment than to beg information from his ex-wife. If Iris wanted to find him, she knew his number. If Heidi wanted to tell him where he could find her, he was standing right here in front of her.
But there was one thing he needed to know.
“If you’ve found happiness, Heidi, I’m glad,” he said. “I only want to know why you’d keep Iris and me from finding ours.”
It was probably the wrong name to drop in the middle of their tenuous new truce; he saw the worry lines in Heidi’s face deepen at the mere mention of Iris. She regarded him in silence for a moment, then glanced away. “Eli, you’re the least happy person I know. Success didn’t make you happy. I didn’t make you happy. Only three things have ever made you light up: the stage, and those two boys.”
“Until now. You never saw me with her.”
“But I did.”
He frowned. “When and how?” Who was the traitor in his camp? It had been pawing at the back of his mind, but there had been more pressing matters to worry about.
“If you think really hard about it, I bet you’ll figure it out. Anyway, I want to see the kids now.” She tilted her head, the ghost of a frown clinging to her full red lips. “You’re right, though. She lights you up, too.”
He froze, afraid for a moment to even breathe. Because even though he didn’t need this woman’s blessing to do anything in his life, something told him that Iris needed it. It was all he could offer her that he couldn’t already give. He needed to choose his words very carefully here.
“She won’t talk to me, Heidi. Whatever you said to her, it worked.”
“I’m really not in a position anymore to tell you or her what to do, Elijah.” She turned away, and he felt the fragile moment shatter around him. “But if she won’t talk to you, maybe that should tell you something.”
Iris closed her laptop, took off her glasses, and rubbed her burning eyes. She’d spent a couple hours emailing old contacts and updating her resume. It was a chore she’d been dreading, but now that it was done, she felt somewhat better. More hopeful. There had to be some exciting opportunities out there. Something would come along.
Though nothing would ever top what she’d already had.
She knew she shouldn’t think like that, but it remained a certainty in her mind.
Sighing, she reopened her computer, hoping some mindless surfing would entertain her. The boredom had almost been the worst thing. Almost. Every day was exactly the same, one bleeding into the next. Sara checked in on her often, never failing to drill into her head that there was no need for this self-imposed isolation, but she was so scoured raw she simply wasn’t ready to face the world yet.
But the world was still out there, and it had kept turning without the benefit of her attention. Someone on her Facebook feed had shared a TMZ article that made her heart hit the pit of her stomach, the pictures and the headline practically slapping her across the face.
BREAKING: Nic Steele in Paternity Pickle!!!
“Oh no,” she heard someone say, then realized it was her own voice that had spoken. Elijah’s biggest fear glowed at her from her monitor screen, out there for everyone to see. The story had broken days ago. Thousands of comments. She wasn’t about to read a single one.
Her heart had managed to find its way back up into her chest, but it ached. Oh, how it ached. For Eli, for Dylan . . . for all of them, really. Even for Heidi.
Iris’s phone was in her hand before she realized it. God, by now he might not have anything to say to her, and she would fully deserve that, but she had to talk to him. Had to.
“Iris.”
At the sound of her name, hearing the note of desperation in his deep, rich tones, she had to take a moment to collect herself.
“Don’t say anything,” he rushed on when she couldn’t bring herself to speak, “and don’t hang up. I know she had to say some extremely fucked up things to chase you away like that. It’s all right.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“But you’re home? You’re good?”
“Yes, I’m home. Where are you?”
“I’m home too. We wrote off everything except the Cali dates so I wouldn’t have to travel too far away from Dylan while he recoups.”
“How is he?”
“You know him. It’s hard to keep him still. But he’s getting better every day.”
“I miss him so much.”
“He’s asked about you, you know. He cried when I told him you had to go back home.”
Why did he have to tell her that? She didn’t know what to say, except she wanted to pour out her love for all of them and beg their forgiveness. All of them. Now wasn’t the time for that, so she bit down on her bottom lip to keep the aching words inside.
“Iris,” he said at last, “talk to me.”
It was so amazing to hear his voice that she was tempted to beg him to talk to her. Just keep talking and never stop. She could listen to him all day. All night.
“I miss you,” she said, though the tiny words fell ridiculously short in conveying how much.
He sighed deeply. “I miss you too, baby girl. So fucking bad. It’s been shitty since you left, but a lot has changed. Dylan’s with me
because Nic talked Heidi into it, but she isn’t too happy about it.”
That surprised her. “How did he manage to do that?”
“It’s all blown wide open, Iris. You and I? We could never spark more scandal than I’m already in. Nic’s taking the brunt of it. He has the bigger name.” He chuckled darkly. “I think this is probably the first time I’ve ever been glad of that fact. We’re all trying to keep our heads down and keep it away from Dylan for now. Until he’s better.”
“I’ve been living under a rock since I got home. I just now saw it. Are you okay?”
“I’m . . . dealing. I fucking hate this shit for Dylan’s sake. I just want it to be over.”
Iris closed her eyes. This would be life with him. This cold, numb feeling in her chest, her life laid open for the vultures to come and pick clean. “It won’t be, though, will it? It won’t ever be over.”
“When everyone turns to something more exciting, maybe. But we’re going to get as much closure as we can. Nic says he’ll let me adopt Dylan. Everything selfish in me wants to jump all over that. At the same time . . . Iris, what if that isn’t what Dylan wants?”
She could hear the pain twisting in his voice at the very thought. Tears trickled down her cheeks. “Ask him, Eli. It’s all you can do. He’s so bright, and he loves you so much. It won’t make any difference to him, I bet, whose name is on a piece of paper. You’re his dad, and you’ll always be his dad.”
He was silent for a long time. “Do you realize how much I need you right now?”
“No. You don’t need me. You need that little boy. Just love him enough for both of us.”
“Iris.”
“Please, I need to go.”
“Was it all for nothing?”
It wasn’t anger in his words. It was stark confusion. That was what did her in most. Somehow, she managed to keep her voice steady. “Maybe it was all for this. For everything to happen this way, for the truth to come out so you can all move on.”
“I don’t believe that shit for a second. We can’t move on if a big piece of us is left behind. In my fucking heart I’m still with you. I keep thinking you’ll walk into the room any second. Seger asks about you too. It’s like you said. You were a constant in their lives, and now you aren’t anymore, and no one knows how to deal with it. I don’t give a fuck what threats she made, Iris, especially now. We’ll fight. We’ll protect you. Just come to us.”
“That isn’t the only reason—” She choked off in gasping sobs, her mind as broken and fumbling as her words.
“Then what is it?”
“I can’t be— I can’t handle this life. Your life. I want . . . normal. It’s something you once told me you could never give me, but it’s what I need.”
“What the fuck is normal? I’ve never had it. You’ve never had it, either. There’s no such thing as normal. There’s only what we’d make.”
“What would we make?”
“What do you want?”
Do not answer that question. Do not. She sniveled at the images swirling in her head of a family and a home ringing with children’s laughter. It was so detached from anything Elijah Vance could possibly want at this point in his life and career that he would probably laugh if she told him about it. “Eli, I just . . . I don’t feel like we’d be equal partners in anything. I feel like I would lose myself with you. That’s important to me, you know? To have a relationship where I’m equal and independent. My parents didn’t want that for me. Jacob damn sure didn’t want that for me. I want a career that might not be possible if I’m with you. It’s not the same thing, I get that, but in a way . . . it’s the same problem all over again. If I were with you, who would I be?”
“You’d be you, Iris Silverman, and you’d be my world.”
She could only cry harder. “I have to go.”
“Just— Listen. Take some time. I won’t pressure you. Our last show is here in two weeks and I’ll leave you a pass. If you aren’t there . . .” He trailed off for a moment, as if he struggled to lend his voice to the thought. “If you aren’t there I’ll consider that your answer. You won’t hear from me again. Iris, don’t let that be your answer. We can work through this.”
“I’m scared,” she admitted.
“Me too. Scared shitless. Fuck it. If you aren’t scared, you aren’t doing something right.”
Forty-one
Iris thought about those words as they hung up. Jesus, was he right? Her entire life, she’d been so sure of everything that turned out to be so wrong. Now, when she was afraid—terrified—over everything being wrong, was it finally right?
Why couldn’t anything be simple? She dialed Sara just because she needed her friend’s voice, but what she got was a trill of excitement in her ear before she could even get a word out. “Guess what!”
Iris had to hold the phone away from her ear. “What?”
“You get to go with me to an Aesthetic Ruin concert.”
Surely she hadn’t heard that correctly. “Um. Ahem. Excuse me?”
“This is what you need, Iris. Trust me. There is nothing like watching Elijah Vance strut around shirtless and sweating and snarling for an hour and a half to take your mind off what’s troubling you.”
Hardly, Sara. Hardly. Mentally, she scrabbled for the excuses the Iris of old would have given. “I don’t like that kind of music. You know that.”
“Oh, to hell with what you like! A rock concert is an amazing way to blow off steam. I scored two pit tickets last week, and I was going to go with Mason, but that slimy rat bastard bailed on me. So now you get the other ticket. I should have offered it to you to start with.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes you can. You’ll have a good time. For God’s sake, even if you don’t, it has to beat staring at the walls all night. At least stare at some molten man candy. I won’t take no for an answer on this. I’m coming to your house, I’m dressing you, and I’m taking you out. And we’ll try to get our fine asses backstage, because Eli needs me.”
Iris couldn’t help it; she burst out laughing. It was high and wild and sounded half crazed. “He needs you?”
“Hell yes, he does. Poor baby just found out he’s probably not his youngest kid’s dad. You know, I always thought his ex-wife had something going with Nic Steele before she and Eli divorced. That all happened just way too fast. I called bullshit on all that ‘amicable split, respect our privacy at this time’ crap when she was out with Nic within two week of the announcement. I forget nothing.”
People like Sara would be her biggest problem, Iris decided. “Hmm. I wouldn’t know.”
“Look, Nic Steele is hot, but I don’t know how anyone in her right mind could have Elijah fucking Vance in her bed and even dream of kicking him out. Jesus Christ. Have you seen the man’s eyes? They’re so green they’ll melt the panties right off you.”
“Sara.” She didn’t know what to say.
“You think you have problems? Imagine being one of them right now, with the whole world all up in your private business.”
“Sara. I can’t go.”
“You are. I don’t care if I have to drag you kicking and screaming. Because I can’t miss this show, Iris. I haven’t seen Ruin in years. And I’m not going by myself. So you have to, or I’ll hate you forever.”
“Surely there’s someone—”
“There’s you. You’re my date. Make out with me a little in the crowd and maybe they’ll be impressed and invite us backstage.”
“I’m not making out with you, Sara. Sorry.”
“Are you saying I’m not hot?”
“You’re smoking hot, but I’m still not making out with you.” Although, she had to kind of chuckle at the thought of Elijah getting a glimpse of that from the stage. If she went to the show with Sara, and if she decided to go see Elijah backstage, she wouldn’t be able to do so without tipping her friend off to the whole thing, and she wasn’t ready for that yet. It sounded like Sara was so smitten over Eli that she might hate
Iris forever.
But damn, imagining the look on her face . . .
“So what do you say?”
“According to you, I don’t have a choice. But trust me when I say this is a bad idea.”
“Why? Afraid you might bump into a hot tattooed metalhead in the pit that makes you forget all about Daddy?”
Not in the least, when Eli would be right there on stage. “Stop calling him that.”
“You’re no fun. But I’m going to make you have fun. It’s my mission in life to get you out of your apartment and to rejoin the world of the living.”
“I’ll rejoin the world of the living when I rejoin the world of the gainfully employed.”
“No you won’t. You’ll still sit and mope. But I’m going to wear you down. By the time that concert gets here, you’ll be begging to go, if only to shut me up.”
Iris sighed. She was beginning to think she was already at that point.
IT HADN’T BEEN FUCKING easy giving her the space she needed. He’d thought focusing all his attention on Dylan’s recovery might help, and it did. But now Dylan was almost back to his normal, playful self, and didn’t need nor particularly want Dad hanging around all the time, waiting on him hand and foot. When Heidi picked the boys up to take them home so Elijah could get his head back into show mode, he found that the emptiness of the house grated on him in a way it never had before.
This summer had changed everything for him, and now, goddammit, he couldn’t abide it going back to the way it had always been. He’d always considered himself a lone wolf, content not to have to answer to anyone, but he was lonely. The pounding metal he channeled through his house and his head didn’t fill that void anymore.
Before, when he had problems, he would write music. But when he pulled out those lyrics he’d begun on the bus, staring at the two lines until they blurred, nothing came to him. He could wax poetic all day long about hate and pain and rage. When it came to . . . to love, he couldn’t go there.
There was no reason he should have to, but something was twisting in his chest, and he wanted it out and into the world so it wouldn’t plague him anymore. Maybe if he could find the right words, the right melody, it would exorcise it like the right prayer might dispel a demon. He could hope.
