Nicolai sat on the far roll mat with his legs crossed and indicated for us to sit opposite him. ‘How are things going inside?’
Adam sighed. ‘Strained as always.’ He glanced at me. ‘However, there may be hope yet.’
I proceeded to tell Nicolai everything I had told the government, giving more details about what I knew and how I knew it. The Damiq wouldn’t question the validity of my source; they knew well enough about how bonding worked with the Siis.
When we finished telling him everything, we all sat in silence as he mulled it over. While waiting, I looked around. Even though the tents prevented the wind from entering, the air remained cold enough for my breath to plume before me, even with the heater. ‘You know, I can probably ask them to put you all up somewhere warmer.’
‘They already offered them better accommodations,’ Adam said.
‘Why refuse it?’ I asked Nicolai. Surely anywhere would be better than tents. They were warmer than outside but still felt like a freezer compared to in the compound.
‘We will not enter their premises. Not after what they have done.’
I frowned. Out of all the people I thought could refuse to help, I’d never doubted Nicolai, until now. Maybe their fear of humans would make it impossible for them to form an alliance. I asked Nicolai as such.
He sighed. ‘There would be conditions, the main one being the release of all Damiq in the country.’
I stared at him in stunned silence. ‘But I thought we got them back?’
Nicolai smiled, though his eyes remained haunted as he shook his head.
‘We believe there to be more camps,’ Adam said. ‘At least one, possibly two.’ He grimaced. ‘There is also suspicion that there are some being held in a laboratory.’
When I thought of camps, I thought of tents and roasting food over a fire, not the horror I’d found the Damiq in. Then again, those stacked cages had held haunted beings, giving it the air of a concentration camp. But laboratories? It shouldn’t stun me that the government were testing on the Damiq, I had even speculated on it before, but a churning sickness settled in the pit of my stomach.
Grief shrouded Nicolai’s eyes, even though many of the Damiq would be from other settlements.
I swallow my revulsion forming a lump in my throat. ‘Is there anything else I need to know?’
Nicolai shook his head. ‘That is our most pressing matter at this time.’
‘And if they are returned?’ Then you will be willing to fight at my side?’
Nicolai held my gaze directly. ‘That was never in question, Sharur.’
I groaned. Of course it hadn’t been. ‘Even if I ask you to fight alongside humans?’
I watched him carefully, waiting for his response. He nodded without hesitation, even though a frown marred his forehead. A part of me hoped he wouldn’t, that he would take his people and run as far from me as he could. I should have known that they wouldn’t leave my side.
I struggled to my feet. ‘I will try and sort that out now.’
Nicolai nodded in appreciation as he stood, ready to follow. He touched my arm, halting me from pushing the tent flap aside. ‘Can we beat them?’ He scrutinised my face. ‘From leader to leader, is there a real chance of survival?’
I paused before answering, taking time to control my emotions. He had asked the one question I wished he hadn’t. ‘Of course.’ I forced a smile.
Nicolai studied me for a moment longer, searching my face for a lie, before he nodded with satisfaction. ‘I will make sure they leave some food for you both.’ He nodded to Adam and left the tent.
‘Crap!’ I watched the small Damiq as he passed through the crowd of his eating comrades. ‘Now I’m as bad as the government with lying.’
Adam sighed. ‘It is the curse of a leader. Without hope, failure is already assured.’ He joined me at my side, watching the Damiq through the tent flap.
‘They call it a noble lie.’ I scowled, thinking of how the government justified their actions. ‘How can the Damiq make an informed decision when they don’t understand the enormity of the horror coming our way? If they know the battle we have coming, they could hide and wait it out.’
Adam pulled my hand from the tent flap, turning me to face him. ‘And what happens to the rest of the world if they do that? How does it affect our chances of survival?’
I sighed. ‘It goes from slight to none.’ I couldn’t dwell on this. I needed to stay positive, to convince the rest that we could survive, that we could beat Cleas in time. ‘This sucks.’
I went to pull away, but Adam tightened his grip on my arm, holding me in place as he brushed his fingertips across my cheek. ‘Ana—’
‘Not the time.’ I shoved against his unmovable chest.
His hand dropped yet he maintained his grip on my arm. ‘Now is the perfect time. We need to talk about what you saw.’
I ripped my arm from his grip. ‘I saw guilt! And grief! And more goddamn guilt! I saw me pushing you to do something you never wanted to do.’
He snagged my shoulders, pulling my face close to him so that his breath flitted across my lips. ‘Is that what you believe I think? You honestly believe that guilt is all I feel?’
I tried to pull away, but he held me firm. ‘No!’ I struggled in his grip. I didn’t want this conversation. ‘I know you feel responsible, and I get it, I’m having your kid, of course you worry.’ I shoved his chest hard, breaking his hold on me, and stepped back, putting some much-needed space between us. ‘I am not going to be another burden you need to carry. I am releasing you from the obligation you feel.’
‘Obligation? Have you lost your mind? You might have travelled through my memories, yet you have no idea what you saw and felt.’
‘Obligation, responsibility, whatever you want to call it, it—’
‘I am terrified!’ His chest heaved as he stared at me. He pivoted on his heels, turning his back to me, only to spin back around so fast, I stumbled back. ‘I am watching everything unfold around us, and I have no idea how to save you or our child. There are so many enemies hunting for you, so many people who want nothing more to see you dead.’ He cursed under his breath in the Siis language, his voice lowering. ‘And then there is you. You are raising an army without even knowing it, planning on fighting a war with no experience. I have no idea how I am going to ensure your survival.’ He gripped my arms again, dragging me up so that our faces were but a breath apart. ‘I am terrified that I will fail you and the baby as I did Clara and Hayren.’ He kissed me, hard, stealing the breath from my lungs. ‘That is the guilt you now feel; the knowledge that I can do nothing to prevent the danger around you. Nothing to stop you heading into battle. And every day, all I can see is my family dead. Not Clara and Hayren. You and our child. I cannot lose you, either of you.’
I stared at him, my mouth agape, as he stepped back.
‘Never presume to know what I am feeling, Ana. Chances are, you will be wrong.’
‘Ana?’ someone shouted from outside. I would have ignored them—I wanted to—but the urgency in the voice cut through my haze, demanding my attention.
Adam’s dark, intense eyes held my gaze as he opened the tent flap. ‘We will talk some more of this later. For now, the Damiq need you. There are more of them approaching and new arrivals tend to unsettle the soldiers.’
I nodded as he left, unable to speak as he had stolen any words from my lips. Nicolai stuck his head through the flap, oblivious to my turmoil. ‘Time to greet your people,’ he said. ‘They have all waited long enough to meet you.’
I nodded and took a deep breath, centering myself. If Adam and Nicolai were right, I was building an army, and part of my job involved convincing them that we could win. As I followed Nicolai towards the fire, I told myself that we could beat the psychopathic Siis who wanted to destroy us all. Noble or not, this was one lie I needed to tell myself. If I believed it enough, maybe it would become a reality.
Dear Reader,
For those of yo
u who have followed the series from the beginning, you will know how long it took me to get this book out. For four long years I lost myself to depression, with continual breakdowns leaving me with a sense of desolation. I struggled to complete daily tasks, let along submerge myself in Ana’s world. Thinking the bipolar was merely out of control, the doctor put me on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication, but nothing helped.
I tried to control my depression for so long, I became exhausted. I spent many days staring out of the window wondering what it would be like to take my own life, and even started to convince myself that I would be doing my loved ones a favour. I was in hell with no way out.
Then one day I realised I’d had enough. I didn’t beat the depression there and then (if only it had been that easy), but I did consider that maybe bipolar wasn’t that only cause. For the first time in years, I entertained the idea that I might have some control over how I felt.
I would like to say that I changed everything in that moment, that I charged into the future with renewed hope. I really wish I could. Instead, it took me another year to figure out what the problems were—things are hard to see clearly when you're surrounded by darkness. The process began slowly and was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever undertaken.
Eighteen months ago, I found myself on my friend’s doorstep with my daughter, a few clothes and my laptop. We were homeless, had lost everything, but for the first time in years, I felt like I was in control of my own destiny. With the support of my friends (whom I couldn’t live without), I began the long road to finding myself once again. It took months to get our own place—even now, we continue to buy the necessary items to furnish it.
Last year, feeling more like myself, I realised that I didn’t merely want to be okay. I took my recovery a step further and picked my life apart, figuring out how I could prevent becoming so lost in the future.
I improved my diet (I lost over two and a half stone), gave up smoking, started exercising regularly and learnt to like myself once more.
Then in June, it finally happened, I found my creativity again. Over a six month period I wrote the next three books in Phoenix Rising (previously known as the Ana Martin Series). I feel like I’ve found a piece of my soul that had been lost.
I have a little more editing to do on the next two books in the series, INTO THE DARK and SYNERY. If you drop by the PHOENIX RISING Facebook page, you can see the new covers. These books are now available on pre-order. I had hoped to have the complete series ready by the end of the year, but I am currently working long hours as a care assistant, so I am unable to dedicate much of my time to writing the final three books as expected.
I pray you are all safe during this trying time in our lives.
Kind regards
Lyneal
Noble Lies Page 30
