by A. R. Breck
"Good! Callie, you're awake. My name is Doctor Talon. How are you feeling?" Doctor Talon has a kind smile and looks to be in her late forties with short, straight brown hair.
I open my mouth to speak, but am unable to get anything out with my voice being so hoarse. "Oh! I'm sorry, let’s get you a few ice chips. I'm sure your dying for some fluids." She walks out and comes back with a small white Styrofoam cup and a plastic spoon with a couple ice chips in there. She helps feed them to me since I haven't even attempted to move the rest of my body.
As the ice starts to moisten my throat, I can feel my mouth start to get hydrated. "What happened?" I croak.
I hear Aunt Jenna such in a sorrowful breath and turn her back to me. Doctor Talon even has a look of pity overcome her features. She walks up to me and lays her hand on me. "Do you remember anything that happened?"
I try to remember - I remember going on a trip with Alec to his amazing cabin, going out to eat, making love, going snowboarding…
Oh, shit.
I remember going on that huge hill and having that jump come out of nowhere, and falling. The pain, so much fucking pain. I gasp, feeling like all the pain is hitting me all over again.
"Are you alright?" Doctor Talon seems concerned.
"I - I was in an accident?"
Doctor Talon nods her head yes. "You were snowboarding and crashed, tumbling down the mountain and eventually slamming into a tree. You broke your arm, cracked your ribs, fractured your cheekbone, bruised just about every part of your body…" She seems to hesitate.
"And?" What the hell else could have happened to me?
"You lost the baby."
"The wha-?" Baby?
"Yes, the baby. You were about nine weeks pregnant. The trauma from your fall caused a miscarriage. I'm so sorry." At this, I hear Aunt Jenna weeping from the side of the room, but I have no strength to even give her any type of response.
I was pregnant? What the fuck? How?
"I was on birth control. How could this be?" I'm completely shocked, angry, empty.
Doctor Talon shrugs. "I don't know, dear. No birth control is one hundred percent effective. Things just happen. There is no other way to explain it."
As she tells me this, the view of her gets more and more blurry, eventually turning into a mass of white from her coat. I break down, feeling like I lost a part of myself that I never even wanted. Didn't even know I had. My old life saying comes back to me, hitting me in the heart full force.
Everyone leaves.
My baby couldn't even find it in him or her to want to stay with me. Grieving the loss of my unborn child, I weep and holler until I feel arms gently wrap around me, petting my hair back and giving me little shushing sounds. Looking up, I see Aunt Jenna crying too as she attempts to comfort me.
"I'm going to let you too talk. I'll come back to check up on you in a little bit, okay?" Without another word, she walks out the door, closing it to give us some privacy.
After what feels like an eternity of tears and a whole box of tissues, our crying starts to taper off. I look up at Aunt Jenna and utter, "I'm so sorry."
"Sorry? What are you sorry for? I'm just glad you're okay!"
"I - I honestly had no idea I was pregnant." The word feels alien on my tongue.
"I know you didn't, dear. I don't imagine you would have put yourself at risk snowboarding like that if you knew." She rubs my arm in sympathy.
As more of my brain fog clears, one question comes to mind.
Where is Alec?
Oh, shit! Alec! Does Aunt Jenna know about him? She has to know. Fuck. Does he know I was pregnant? Was he injured? I'm afraid to bring him up, not wanting to blow his cover but I need to know something.
"Is - is Alec here?" I whisper.
A dark look comes over Aunt Jenna's face, making me want to disappear underneath the covers. "Now that is something we will be talking about. But yes, he has been in the waiting room for the past three weeks, refusing to leave. I will go and get him, if you would like? You only get a minute though." Her voice takes on a motherly tone, one that I am unfamiliar with, and one that I know I shouldn't go up against, mostly in my position.
"Three weeks?!"
"Yes, they kept you sedated for quite a while to allow you to recover."
I just breathe and stare at the wall, not sure what to say to that.
Aunt Jenna leaves, and a few minutes later, Alec pokes his head around the door, looking both exhausted and relieved. He walks in, slowly shutting the door behind him but then standing on the other side of the room.
"Hi." I whisper.
"Hi."
"Are you okay?" I ask.
He scoffs. "Am I okay? Yes, I'm okay. Are you okay? Jesus Christ." He runs his hand down his face, seeming distraught and overwhelmed.
"I'm - I'm not okay. I was pregnant." I break off on a sob. I didn't think after all the crying me and Aunt Jenna just went through that I had any more tears, but I guess I have many more stored away.
Alec's eyes tear up, and he looks up at the ceiling, taking a few deep breaths to collect himself. "I know." He whispers.
"I had no idea." I sniffle.
"I know you didn't, Callie. Neither did I." He stays on the other side of the room, not walking one step closer to me.
"Why are you standing over there?"
Alec looks incredibly uncomfortable all of the sudden. He huffs out a big sigh, running his hands through his hair that is as wild as ever, probably had his hands run through it about a million times by now.
"Callie, I spoke with your Aunt. She knows what was going on. I'm - I'm leaving. I'm going back to my parents and not returning to school. It's too hard, for me and for you. There might already be rumors going around and - I just need to get away. I just needed to tell you face to face before I left." His voice is strong, but his eyes are pools of torment.
I don't say a word, staring at him as if he is a stranger. Who is this man? Where is my Alec? "You're - You're leaving me?" I wobble.
He draws in a shaky breath himself, gathering the strength to finish this murder of my heart. "I am, but…" He turns around and acts like he is about to walk out the door, but then turns back to me and walks up to the bed. He doesn't touch me, but he's close enough where I can smell the scent that has become my favorite smell in the world. "Callie, I love you dearly. Just because I'm leaving doesn't mean I don't love you. I just can't stay. I have to leave. It's too painful - the baby, everything. The timing just isn't right for us." He leans forward and gives me a kiss on my forehead before giving me a look that says goodbye.
"But-" I start.
"Goodbye, Callie. See you." And with that, he's out the door.
See you?
It literally feels like he reached into my body when he walked over to the bed, and every step he is taking out this door he is pulling my heart and soul with him, further and further away from my body. And suddenly, my heart is torn from my body and obliterated.
I feel nothing.
I feel everything.
I cry. And cry. Aunt Jenna comes in and tries to comfort me, and calm me down. Nothing will stop this pain. Nothing will relieve the ache that was once my heart but is now a black hole. I feel so much pain, I begin to hyperventilate.
"I. can't. breathe." I gasp.
Aunt Jenna runs out of the room, yelling for a doctor.
As the darkness starts to return, I only have one thing on repeat running through my head.
Everyone. Leaves.
* * * *
"Ready to go, dear?" Aunt Jenna asks from the side of the hospital bed.
A week has passed since Alec left my room, and I'm almost surprised that they're letting me out of here. I've barely said a word since, spending my time either sleeping or staring at the wall. You think that instead of discharging me and sending me home, they would want to send me to the psych ward.
Either way, Aunt Jenna has been way too patient with me. I put it in my head that I'm going to try to remain posi
tive for her, but the moment she comes in the room with her false positivity, I clam up and can do nothing besides make myself numb.
I'm afraid what will happen if I'm not numb.
"Callie, are you ready to go home?" Aunt Jenna repeats, her tone a little less joyous this time.
I look up at her with empty eyes and an even emptier belly. "Yes."
She frowns at me but says nothing, grabbing my bags and waiting for me at the front of the room. I stand up, catching my bearings for a moment before shuffling myself out of the door. The nurses give me a small wave as I leave, and I give them a wave back before focusing on the tiled hospital floor. I'm tired of them all looking at me with pity, it's enough to make me want to run back into that room and hide underneath the covers.
I am happy to leave, don't get me wrong. I just also don't know how I'm going to be able to go back home, back to school and back to socializing with people. What have people been saying at school? I've been out for practically a month now. Who is covering Alec's class? Do I still have a job? Will I even graduate on time now?
All of these things have been running through my head for the past few days, but I'm too afraid to turn on my phone, and I'm too afraid to talk to Aunt Jenna about what's going to happen when we get back. We make it out to the car, and I'm nearly out of breath by the time I sit down. Sitting in a bed for the last month has really gotten me out of shape.
Aunt Jenna puts my bag in the backseat next to hers, and we take off. She has been a life saver, staying in a nearby hotel for most of the time so that she doesn't have to drive back and forth every day. She has been at the hospital with me almost every day, save for a couple days where she had to go home to take care of a few things.
"Last weekend when I was home, there was a note on the front door from your friends, Mya and Leah." Aunt Jenna says about ten minutes into the drive.
I look out the window, watching as the once beautiful mountains hold a little less life than they used to. "Oh yeah? What did it say."
"They wished you well, and hoped that you would get in contact with them soon."
"Mmm."
"Are you planning to get in touch with them when you get home? You know you can't avoid everyone forever, Callie. Your brother has threatened about twenty times to fly over here and skip his own classes. I have talked him off the edge a few times now."
I sigh. "I'll call everyone tomorrow."
"You have been saying that for days now."
"I mean it this time."
"Callie, sooner or later-"
I put my hand up and interrupt. "Aunt Jenna, I'm really not in the mood right now, okay? I will call them tomorrow, I promise."
She huffs but doesn't argue any more. "Okay, Callie. Okay." She pauses a beat. "You know I love you, right?"
Unwanted tears spring to my eyes, making the world blurry. "I love you too, Aunt Jenna." I throw my hood up over my head and lean up against the window, feigning sleep. I'm done with this conversation. I'm done with everything.
Everyone. Leaves.
TWENTY-FIVE
"Knock, knock." Comes a voice from outside my room as Mya and Leah walk in.
I've been back for a few days, and its Monday now and I know I need to get my ass back in school if I plan on graduating. I finally got ahold of Mya, who yelled at me for taking so long to call, then cried when she found out what happened. I also called my brother, who was silent most of the time and sounded choked up when he said he had to go, and he would call me later. I still haven't heard from him. That's okay though, because listening to my brother cry is something I can't even handle right now.
Mya and Leah both told me that they were coming over Monday morning and going to school with me. I didn't argue, knowing that I will need the backup from all the whispers and stares I will be getting. They said that the stories people made up about me were crazy, some of them even impossible.
I ran away back to California.
I was a druggie and got busted and now serving time in jail.
I was pregnant and went to an all-girls ranch to have the baby. This one hurt.
And then-
I was having an affair with Mr. Cooper and we ran away together. I guess I'm not surprised people came to this conclusion, considering we both stopped coming to school at the same time.
But, according to Mya and Leah, people shut that rumor down quickly, and it is now said that I went on a trip with my brother and got seriously injured in an accident, which I guess is kind of the truth in a way. I'm hoping that everyone bought it, although I know there will be some people who will still want to spread rumors like wildfire. It is high school, after all.
Aunt Jenna hovers in the doorway behind Mya and Leah, just as she has been since we got home. She has been constantly on my case, asking me if I need anything, coming to check up on me, it's gotten to the point where I'm actually a little excited to get out of the house and away from her prying eyes. I know she's just concerned, I've dropped weight like nobody's business and I haven't been in the best mood. I'm guessing she is either concerned I'm going to run away or off myself. Neither sound appealing, which I have even told her, but that's not stopping her from being overbearing.
"Alright, Callie, are you sure you're ready? You can take another day off, if you need." She wrings her hands together, looking oh so nervous.
I roll my eyes and lift myself off my bed. "I'm fine. I would rather get this over with sooner than later, anyway." I grab my backpack and squeeze by everyone before making it to the front door. Everyone looks a little apprehensive, and it's not making anything easier. I just wish things could go back to the way they were before.
I need to get back to school to do some catch up homework anyway. Aunt Jenna talked to Mrs. Roule and the Principal, and they have come up with some sort of schedule that I need to do to get caught up. From the looks of it, it looks like some of my assignments are excused and others I'm only having to do parts of. I don't really want to be given the easy way out, but if I expect to graduate, I need all the help I can get.
"You call me if you need anything, alright?" Aunt Jenna says almost hysterically.
Mya places her hand on Aunt Jenna's shoulder. "We'll take good care of her, Aunt Jenna. Promise."
I give Aunt Jenna a little wave and then walk towards the backseat of Mya's car, hopping in and pulling out my pack of cigarettes. Instantly lighting one up, I crack the window and close my eyes as the nicotine races through my blood stream, attempting to calm the current of my anxiety, which can never be tamed.
"You started smoking again?" Leah asks as she hops into the car.
"Yup." Fuck Alec and his non-smoking ass.
"Huh." Leah says.
"What?"
"Nothing. I just thought you quit for you, not you know who."
I balk. "I did quit for myself. I don't do anything for anybody except myself. I am smoking again because it's that or start heavily drinking, and I don't have enough money to support that habit." I ash my cigarette out the window, taking another long, hard drag.
Mya hops in the car and pulls out of the driveway, driving towards the school.
"What were you doing inside?" I ask, curious.
"Talking to your Aunt and trying to make her not have a freak out today. Don't worry about it." Mya says.
I shrug, not really caring either way. There is one thing that has been on the edge of my mind all morning, though. "So, who is covering Alec's class?"
Both of them look at each other from the front seat, and then turn back. Leah clears her throat. "Some new, older lady. She's nice. Her name is Mrs. Ballard. She is taking over his position, permanently."
I nod my head, not really sure what to say, and knowing I probably can't say much without crying or yelling, one of the two.
The rest of the drive consists of Mya and Leah talking about other updates in their life and school, trying to make things seem as normal as possible. I nod my head yes and laugh at the appropriate times, but it feels fake and
useless. I'm almost tired by the time I get to school, this I'm okay act is wearing me down more than I thought it would.
I'm at least grateful for my work. I spoke with Shaya and Elaine, both of which were completely sympathetic to my situation. I didn't tell either of them I was pregnant, just that I was in a horrible accident and was recovering. Aunt Jenna must have spoken with them too when I was still in the hospital. Shaya said I could take as much time off as I need, and I told them I can come back next week. I want things to go back to normal, I'm just having a hard time finding energy to function day to day, let alone work a full shift at my job.
Pulling up at school, my nerves start to get the best of me. I slouch down, not ready for the onslaught of curious eyes. Mya turns back to me. "Are you ready? We can seriously just ditch, if you want."
"I’m fine. Let's just get this over with." I take a big breath and step out, closing my door and looking just about everywhere except directly at people. Mya and Leah walk up next to me and together we walk into the school.
Every so often I glance up, and notice that some people are staring, but there are others who don't seem to notice me at all. My shoulders loosen up at that, glad that at least some people don't seem to be gawking at my return.
I go to open my locker, basically sticking my head inside the dark rectangle to escape all the people. I've become a hermit this past month, not having communication with many people besides medical staff and Aunt Jenna.
I feel a hand gently lay on my upper back. "You okay, Callie?" Mya says softly.
I take a breath and then get out of my locker, grabbing my things and shutting the door. "I'm fine. Ready?" I smile, but it feels fake. I think Mya notices too, because she purses her lips, but says nothing.
"Yeah, let’s go." She says softly, linking her arms through mine, anchoring me.
And then I wonder - will Mya leave me, too?
* * * *
"See you tomorrow. Do you want me to pick you up in the morning again?" Mya asks, head out the window after just dropping me off at home from school.
