by Denise Wells
Advance Praise for How To Ruin Your Ex’s Wedding
Just read this!! If you are looking for an addictive and quirky romance then this is for you.
Goodreads Reader
I have no words! Honestly, what is there to say but read/enjoy/devour this book.
Goodreads Reader
I laughed so hard about the mustache!!! This book was perfection!
Goodreads Reader
How To Ruin Your Ex’s Wedding
A Romantic Comedy
Denise Wells
Copyright © 2019 by Denise Wells
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the author, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. This book is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any mistakes or misrepresentations are the authors alone.
Cover Design: Opulent Designs
Editing: Missy Borucki
Proofreading: Jenn Wood, All About The Edits
Publicity: Linda Russell, Foreword PR
All Around Awesomeness: Rachel Radner
Created with Vellum
For Gabriella S-B., Jaime R., Rochelle W., and Susan H. - the best support system a girl could ask for.
You know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.
Dr. Seuss
Contents
About The Book
Prologue
1. Tabatha
2. Pax
3. Tabatha
4. Pax
5. Tabatha
6. Pax
7. Tabatha
8. Pax
9. Tabatha
10. Pax
11. Tabatha
12. Pax
13. Tabatha
14. Pax
15. Tabatha
16. Pax
17. Tabatha
18. Pax
19. Tabatha
20. Pax
21. Tabatha
22. Pax
23. Tabatha
24. Pax
25. Tabatha
26. Pax
27. Tabatha
28. Pax
29. Tabatha
30. Pax
31. Tabatha
32. Pax
33. Tabatha
34. Epilogue
Acknowledgments
About the Author
Also by Denise Wells
Sneak Peek - Love Undecided
About The Book
I shoot war zones, not nuptials.
But when my ex-wife lands a starring role in the wedding of the year, it’s tempting to change things up a bit.
Who’s better than me to follow her around before and during the big day, capturing every picturesque moment, snapping every detail as they join together in wedlock? No one.
Not to mention, she still owes me for destroying my prized vintage camera during our divorce.
As the saying goes, revenge is a dish best served cold.
Prologue
KEEPING TABS -
SEASON ONE, EPISODE EIGHTEEN
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Tabatha and her husband, Pax, are enjoying a rare date night at home with nothing but the near-hidden cameras and producers watching them. Such is life since they agreed to allow their lives and marriage to be broadcast via an online streaming service. And, once you get used to having cameras around—all day, every day—it becomes normal and much easier to forget they’re there.
Tabatha buries her head in Pax’s chest and covers her eyes. Her long red hair cascades down, hiding her face.
“I can’t watch,” Tabatha says. “I just know Mary will be eaten by zombies and I don’t want to bear witness to it.” A light squeal lends credit to her statement.
“Hey, Tabs? It’s okay to look now.” Pax chuckles, and tightens his arm around Tabatha’s shoulders for a brief beat before resting his arm along the back of the couch again. “She’s still alive. Bill sacrificed himself so she could live.”
Tabatha spreads her fingers slowly to peek between them. “Ohmigod, really? So now Bill is dead?”
“Sadly, yes.” Pax turns and kisses her forehead before returning his attention to the movie.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: Even from the safety of our living room, the threat of zombies feels real. And Bill and Mary like friends, even though they are only characters in a movie. And movies are fake. I would know, I starred in them as a kid. Besides, growing up in the land of make-believe isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Sure the fame and the money are great, but you are forced to exist in a constant state of suspended belief with unrealistic expectations of how the world works. Like now, I know that only the character Bill is dead, not a real person. But that doesn’t stop me from mourning his passing anyway.
“What a sacrifice.” Tabatha sighs. “I can’t believe he would do that. That’s so romantic. Giving your life for someone you love is, like, the ultimate gesture.”
“That’s not romantic,” Pax scoffs. “Bill’s a (BLEEP) idiot.”
“It is romantic. It is,” Tabatha says. “He saved Mary’s life.”
“Baby, who cares?” Pax counters. “If she’s not complaining, she’s screaming and crying. All she’s done through the entire movie is slow Bill down. She lost the keys to the car, can’t aim a gun to save her life, literally. Not to mention she dropped their entire food supply in the river, and it washed away. Mary’s life wasn’t worth saving. Definitely not by sacrificing his own.”
Tabatha sits up and leans away from Pax.
“Of course it was,” Tabatha says. “He loves her.”
“Pfft.” Pax’s eyes don’t leave the screen.
“It’s the ultimate gesture of love.” Tabatha crosses her arms over her ample chest.
Pax looks at her, his dark eyes wide. “That’s the ultimate gesture of love?”
“Yes! He’s putting her life above his own. Showing her that she is the most important thing in the world to him. Even over himself,” Tabatha says.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Do you really think that Bill should let Mary be eaten by zombies?
PAX VOICEOVER: (BLEEP) I don’t know. No, probably not. I mean, regardless, it’s a stupid thing to be arguing about.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: You really think so? I don’t know, man, if it were me and my woman was wanting me to throw myself to the zombies just so she could live, when we both knew she’d die anyway, I’d be pissed. That’s just not rational thinking.
PAX VOICEOVER: But it’s not Tabs and me, it’s Bill and Mary. And they aren’t real.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Is it though? Is it really Bill and Mary that you and Tabatha are talking about? Don’t you think that every time these scenarios come up, your responses are based on reality and what you would do in a similar situation?
PAX VOICEOVER: Mine weren’t based on reality. Oh, hell, maybe they were. I didn’t think about it like that. And if I’m thinking about it like that, then so is Tabs. Which means she thinks I should throw myself to the zombies?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Exactly. And if you ask me, that’s a really messed up thing to do.
“I go back to my earlier statement,” Pax says, turning back to the TV.
“Which one?” Tabatha asks.
“That Bill is a (BLEEP) idiot,” Pax replies.
Tabatha curls her lean body into a ball before asking,
“What are you having a hard time with, that he loves her that much or that her life wasn’t worth it?”
Pax hits pause on the movie and looks at Tabatha, shrugging his broad shoulders. “I don’t know. Both,” he says. “He should have just let her go.”
“Let her go? As in let her be eaten by zombies?” Tabatha asks.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I’m shocked when he says this. I’ve always thought of Pax as more of a knight in shining armor, not a man who’d sacrifice women and children to save his own skin.
“Exactly,” Pax says. “But now he can’t because he’s dead. And it was pointless because she is going to die anyway.”
“You don’t know that—she could end up saving the world.”
“She can’t run for (BLEEP). She keeps looking back and falling down. She has no weapons. They’re going to catch her any second. No way someone like Mary is saving the world,” Pax says.
“Why? Because she’s a woman?”
“No, because she can’t outrun a bunch of idiot zombies. It would be like you trying to do the same. You’ve got a beautiful body, baby, but you and I both know your stamina is for (BLEEP).”
“You don’t think I can outrun the zombies?” Tabatha asks.
“Beautiful, I know you can’t outrun the zombies. And I’ll be sad to see you go.” Pax smirks.
“Wait, are you saying you wouldn’t sacrifice yourself to save me in the zombie apocalypse?”
“Damn right that’s what I’m saying.” Pax points the remote to the TV to start the movie again.
Tabatha pulls his hand down. “Hold on a second.”
Pax looks at her and sighs. “Yes, dear?”
“Just to be clear, you would let the zombies get me and you would just keep running?”
“Hands down, babe. I’m the better choice between the two of us when it comes to the salvation of the human race by outrunning zombies.”
“And I’m dead?”
“Sad, but true.” Pax smiles.
Tabatha doesn’t smile back, instead narrowing her green eyes at him.
“Okay.” She draws the word out slowly. “I’m dead, who do you re-populate the world with? Since apparently you’re the only one who can save it.”
Pax shrugs again. “I don’t know. Some chick that runs faster than you.”
“Faster than me.” Tabatha pauses. “Do you even mourn me when I’m gone?”
“Ain’t got no time for mourning, babe. I’m zigging and zagging around the undead, carousing for female sprinters.”
“Seriously?”
Pax laughs. “Yeah, seriously.”
“Unbelievable,” Tabatha says.
“Oh, lighten up, you aren’t actually mad about this are you?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Jesus, Tabby. Come on.”
“What? You’re leaving me for dead and moving on to someone else, who’s more physically fit.”
“Because she can take care of herself. Not because I like her better,” Pax explains.
“Uh-huh.”
“Tabatha. Don’t start.”
“I’m not starting anything, Pax. I’m just letting it sink in that future you callously tosses future me aside when push comes to shove.”
“It’s a movie, Tab.”
“It was a serious question, Pax.”
“About outrunning zombies?”
“Yes.”
“Wow. Okay, fine. Have it your way. Be pissed about it.” Pax waves his hand.
“I will,” Tabatha says. She falls back against the couch cushion and huffs. She does not lie her head back down on his shoulder or curl back into his chest.
Pax restarts the movie.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: I can’t stand sitting next to him right now. I feel betrayed and unimportant. I get that the conversation started as a result of a fake plot in a movie. I’m not a lunatic. But fake him isn’t even going to try and save fake me. He couldn’t even pretend for the sake of the argument. That hurts my feelings.
Tabatha stands to leave the room.
“Where are you going?”
“To bed,” Tabatha says.
“The movie’s not over yet.”
“Don’t care.”
“Jesus.” Pax sighs loudly, mostly for Tabatha’s benefit.
PAX VOICEOVER: Yeah, I know that loud sighs are passive-aggressive, but I don’t care. I want her to know that I’m annoyed, but I don’t want to continue this fight. I want to finish the movie.
Tabatha takes her time getting ready for bed, expecting that at any moment Pax will come upstairs to apologize. She lies in bed alone. Eventually realizing he must have started watching something else since the movie should have been over.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: So, I do what any level-headed woman would do in my situation. I pull sheets and a blanket from the linen closet, then set them, along with his pillow, in the hallway. Next, I close the bedroom door softly and barricade it from the inside with a chair. Because if he can’t even be bothered to spare my life during a major world-changing event, then I can’t be bothered to share a bed with him.
KEEPING TABS -
SEASON ONE, EPISODE NINETEEN
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Tabatha and Pax have been fighting since date night, not able to get past the sore feelings that surfaced during the argument. Tabatha, expecting an apology from Pax, has gotten increasingly upset when that hasn’t happened. Confused by Tabatha’s cold shoulder, Pax has taken to retaliating by staying out late. Tonight, in this special one-hour episode of Keeping Tabs, we will see how they handle this strife in their relationship.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: So, Pax hasn’t even talked to you since that night?
TABATHA VOICEOVER (CRYING): No. And he’s been out late every night since then. I don’t know where. I don’t know with who. (BLOWS HER NOSE) I don’t know what to do.
Tabatha’s red curls are pulled up into a messy bun, green eyes red and swollen, and plump lips turned down in a frown. The usually picturesque Tabatha looks a wreck in distressed jeans, white tank top, and flannel shirt, curled in a ball in her interview chair.
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Do you think you need a break?
TABATHA VOICEOVER: You mean, like, from the show? Or from Pax?
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Maybe both. I’m worried about you Tabatha. If this were my guy, I’d definitely be doing something to teach him a lesson. But that’s just me. What do you think you should do? I hate to see you crying all the time.
TABATHA VOICEOVER: What would you do to teach your guy a lesson. (SNIFFLES)
PRODUCER VOICEOVER: Well, first, I’d be throwing him to the curb. No one, and I do mean no one, ignores me for days, doesn’t come home till late, and sacrifices me to zombies without some sort of payback.
ANNOUNCER VOICEOVER: Taking the producer’s advice to heart, Tabatha throws Pax out of the house, thereby teaching him the most important lesson of all: you don’t sacrifice the ones you love. She starts by changing the locks on their coastal townhome, and then sets out to toss all his belongings onto the front lawn, in no particular order of importance. Which is what Pax arrives home to a short time later.
“Tabatha Baldwin! What in the ever-loving hell are you doing?” Pax yells.
PAX VOICEOVER: I have flowers for her. An apology for my part in our fighting all week. I don’t want to argue any more. I miss my wife. That is until I see she’s tossing all my things to the front yard.
“Are these my clothes on the front lawn?” Pax shouts. His handsome face is red with fury.
“Do they look like your clothes?” Tabatha yells back. She turns to the closet to grab another armful of Pax’s things and toss them out.
“Yes! You mind explaining?” Pax’s voice bellows through the courtyard where they live.
PAX VOICEOVER: Of course I forget the (BLEEP) flowers in my car. Not that they would have made a difference at this point.
Tabatha leans against the window sill and looks down at her nails. “I do mind, actually. I’m busy right now.”
Tabatha smiles.
“Well, jeez, sweetheart, do you think you could speed things up a bit, then? I mean, (BLEEP), if you’re kicking me out I’m going have to pack my things in my car, find a place to stay, unpack everything . . . it’s going to be a busy evening for me,” Pax yells to her.
“Don’t you dare make fun of this, Paxton!”
“Oh, dragging out my full name, Tabs?” He sneers. “You sound just like my mother.”
Tabatha narrows her eyes at Pax.
“Hey, whaddya know,” Pax says. “Now you look like my mother too.”
Tabatha’s eyes widen.
