“Oh, well, if you want to like—take that one apart and see if you can make it work, go for it, ‘cause it’s really slow and crashes,” he points to one hard drive, “If you wanna just sit and talk and help me watch the monitors that’s cool too—to be honest I only request detention duties because it’s boring as asteroid dust-up here.”
“I know what that’s like,” I say, smiling a little, up here being in my own head for me.
“Kneel down for me,” he says, sitting up a little, “Let me see the top of your head---okay, yeah I recognize you,” he says, as I obey.
“So, you saw why I’m here?” I ask, staying kneeled to examine the requested computer.
“Yeah, breaking into IDMT, twice, and bludgeoning Dr. Truth Juice,” he laughs.
“What?” I ask, a little too sharply.
“Oh, calm down, Ebbel was up here blustering asking if I saw that, I told him the cameras were off there at that time, he asked what good they are I said I didn’t design the system, which isn’t totally true I kinda did, but he doesn’t know that” Kip says, shrugging, “I’m not gonna tell on you; he was giving your friend there a hard time.”
“He’s not even my friend, none of them are, it just didn’t seem right,” I say, surprising myself. I don’t usually even speak half-truths to people. But this man is being kind to me. and I hardly want him deciding to turn me in. So, I’ll open to him. a little. It might be interesting. He seems safe. He already has enough to get me court-martialed if he wanted. But he’s not. “The second one, Leavitt, he’s another flight leader, I hardly know him.”
“Your fat little bunkmate isn’t your friend?” he asks, frowning.
“Not really, he’s University so his family’s rich---rich compared to mine---and he’d never even talk to me if we weren’t in here,” I say, opening up the panel on the computer.
“You think so?” he asks, frowning. He isn’t even watching the screens this would be a picnic if I were ---anywhere but here. oh well. this is still insider knowledge.
“Why would he? I’m city trash---my father left when I was about six months old---or eight, the memories are kind of hazy, I have four older brothers and I had one sister---she died—my mum works in a factory for twelve hours a day, I had to buy cheat and steal my way into the lowest trade school I could find,” I say. it was mostly those last two, cheating and stealing.
“That doesn’t mean they won’t be your friends,” He says.
“Yeah it does, I’m nothing like them---I see the way they look at me,” I say, shrugging.
“They don’t look at you like that because of your family---they look at you like that because you’re---you. You’re too much for people, Titus, I’ve seen your scores, I know you’re cleverer than me and probably half the people walking around here combined,” he says.
“What do you mean? Too much?” I ask, then I frown, “And how have you seen my scores?”
“I’ve access to all sorts of things---and what I mean is, you’re too much you, Titus. who you are is fantastic and brilliant and all that, but you’ve got to let people ease into you, just a bit,” he says.
“Like, how do you mean? I can only be myself, I am no one else, however, I might wish it,” I say, “These calumnies you mention are nothing I can rectify.”
“I mean, that—just that, using great big words all the time that nobody can understand---I looked up garrulous in the dictionary, by the way, that was pretty funny---”
“Ebbel told you about that?” I ask, amused.
“Yeah, it’s why you wound up here so he sort of had to, well he tried it took me a few tries to figure out what words he was trying to say---but anyway, that, using long words nobody but you know, coming up with schemes, breaking people out of places, going running at night instead of sleeping, doing everything that much better than everyone else, from running to pushups to making your bed---I know you can, that’s not the point, it doesn’t matter, this world doesn’t require perfection or excellence, even though you can deliver, that’s only going to make everyone else in the Milky Way jealous, because they can’t do it that perfectly, and for you it’s nothing. so just---tone it down a bit, once you know someone well, they’ll realize you’re cleverer than them, but then they’ll like other bits of you as well, and they’ll see that you’re not so perfect at everything,” he says.
“Why would they like me?” I ask, “And what am I not perfect at?”
“Very little, I’ll give you that---but you said it yourself, other people, you’re not so great at making friends, that’s why I like you, I’ve been watching you, you know, form up here, and I took a liking to you, because even if you are twice as smart as me, three times probably, I still don’t envy you that, because I rather like being me, and making friends and knowing things about people,” he says.
“Like you know this about me? You enjoy this, talking to people?” I ask.
“Yes, and so might you if you gave them a chance, I know we’re all little cave dwellers to you and your brain, but we can be a bit of fun if you give us the chance,” he says.
“I want you to be---fun,” I say, nodding. He could be right. He could be stupid, but he could also be right. I had been wishing I wasn’t so alone.
“Well, give us a bit of a chance, if you keep getting yourself thrown in the brig so you don’t have to face people, then, you know, you won’t have to face people,” he says.
“I do like quiet,” I admit, then I decide to tell him something because he’s said an awful lot he didn’t have to, “I’ve never had a room of my own---when I first got put in the brig, that was the first time I’d ever had a room all to myself for a night.”
“Me too,” he says, smiling, “Not the brig but—my first duty station. Horrible little room it was, but I loved it, ‘cause I’d never had my own room before. So I know how you’re feeling and you’ve every right to go on without the rest of us but---I see you as a bit lonely and I know we don’t measure up to you, but you’ve got to come a bit low for us, you see what I mean? Plot universe domination some other time---”
How does he know I do that? Did you tell him?
“---or whatever it is you’re off doing in that head of yours, but try thinking about the stupid things we think about, just for a bit, see if you like it,” okay maybe he doesn’t know maybe he’s guessing.
“Okay,” I say, nodding, “But---what do you think about, though? Right now? If I weren’t here, say.”
“ah----’I’m sort of tired, feel like crisps, I’d really like a nap. I like crisps with cheese on them. I think I’ll eat some crisps with cheese on them, go get a cold drink of water, then take a smallish nap, then read an article about computers’--,” he says, nodding, “That’s about what I’d be doing and thinking about doing.”
“Okay, thanks, that’s a help,” I say, nodding. Nothing. his brain is occupied with nothing. 90 percent of the time. if not more. My brain is occupied with eight things. All the time. eight different things. Once I figured out most people don’t think that much, I usually use 1/8 or 1/6 of my constant thoughts on flying. Then I use another sixth or so on nefarious schemes. Lately, Nicole Tom has taken up an eighth, and flying an eighth, on fourth on nefarious schemes, eighth on the present, one eight analyzing the past, on eighth on contingency plans for the future, and one-eighth thing that will make me happy later in life. So that’s three-eighths devoted to making me happy. That’s a lot I’ve been thinking I should cut back so as not to get behind. Now I’m not so worried.
ANYBODY MESSAGE YOU Peter is lonely again. well, I’m lonely and bored too. There are only so many times one can snip strings off of uniforms, and I’m waiting for my laundry to be done and until it is I can’t roll or fold anything. and my current book is not keeping my interest. It’s non-fiction, which is my usual default, but for some reason, the stories of the constellations are not keeping my interest tonight.
No, why I ask.
Titus card looks at you a lot peter is nosey as well.<
br />
So he’s in detention duties then the brig because apparently, he likes it in there I respond.
Do you think that would stop him?
Probably not I say. but I already turned him down earlier. Which was phenomenally stupid considering I’ve spent the time since wondering what it would have been like if I hadn’t. but I’ve never been kissed before. And I’m scared. And I’m scared of him. he’s wild. Like I said. he’s just wild. He’s not like just kissing anybody. Just kissing Peter or Tyrell or anybody I just know is an all right sort of person. he’s something different and I’m just not---I don’t know. but if I’ve made my decision then why am I still thinking about it?
Ginny is online, of course, waiting for me to log on.
What happened? She’s serious and annoyed.
Nothing I say. I don’t know how much of my mind she can clearly read. I do know that if she tries she can see enough to know when I hallucinate, and I’m sure she tried after I blacked out on the run.
Something I know things, Quentin
Okay, I hit my head---then the doctor gave me some strong medicine I’m fine now I say. I don’t even remember much after the doctor gave me that shot----I remember the hallucinations, him offering me alcohol which I’m pretty sure didn’t happen. Then a man came and led me out. I’m positive that didn’t happen so yeah, I’m not totally clear on how I got back to my barracks for light duties, but I did.
Don’t scare me like that
I couldn’t help hitting my head could I ask, annoyed.
You know what I mean
I don’t want to go there I don’t want it anymore than she does
I don’t want to lose you she’s crying now (please don’t leave me)
I won’t
(not again)
My mother comes online now
Quentin are you ok
Yes I’m okay the doctor gave me some strong stuff that’s all they just wanted to make sure I’m okay
You know you can come home, we’ll still be proud of you
(promise you won’t think about drinking)
I can’t promise that. I can promise I won’t, I did promise I won’t.
I’m not coming home I write. I can’t. Not home. Not where I can work a civilian job. And mates go out to bars. And you go over to peoples houses and they have wine. And people ask you out for a drink. No I can’t go home.
You can though we love you it would be okay she knows damn well I’m thinking about how it wouldn’t be.
I know I love you guys, but I’m happy where I’m lying.
Love you forever my mum types.
Love you forever, I reply. Now I’m not lying.
My mother has messaged me to make sure I’m all right. I smile, a little. Not so much that anybody else will see it. But enough.
I know you get in late but let me know everything’s okay with you there. We all love you here and can’t wait to meet you. I got to leave for your graduation and we are all going to be there. Love you so much, gorgeous girl.
And my sisters sent photos of them making silly faces and braiding each others hair. I smile and put on my patrol cap, taking a photo with it so they can see a bit of my uniform. Then I take it off and take a silly one to send to them. I respond to the message as well
I’m good here, just classes and training as usual. I can’t wait to meet all of you either. Not much time to write they keep me busy love you
I should say more. But I don’t. I can’t. I don’t know what to say. I’ve never had parents; I don’t know what a person writes home about. I don’t even know what to say. what I am supposed to say? I love you I know but I don’t know what that means. Except that it means that I’ve thought about who you are ever since somebody had to sit down and explain my parents made me then sold me and probably never met nor knew who the other was. I don’t even know how much I should say or how little and if my mother would care that I was flight leader. That’s the sort of thing mums are supposed to care about. But saying it just sounds like I’m bragging. I wonder if this will get any easier.
This is only getting harder I can’t take it anymore. I see her every day but it’s still doing no good. Today she was up on the roof and I was there all right but what actual good did I do her? she doesn’t know she thinks I’m an idiot like Ebbel and the rest of them. she doesn’t know I’m---me. and what good does it do her? It’s selfish, I get to see her every day and think ‘that’s my daughter’ and she doesn’t know anything because she’s alone like she’s been her whole life because I’m a selfish, worthless excuse for a human being. I don’t care anymore. Let them court-martial me. if they do it’s because I love her and that’s something even if I’ve spent my whole life being for nothing I’ll have done something.
I pull out my tablet and type, without thinking anymore.
HI
She’s online of course.
I’m sorry I didn’t get back to you earlier, I was...Out of service range, my job is complicated, I will explain everything when I meet you I promise. I can’t wait to meet you I type.
It’s okay I’m just busy here she writes. I nearly sob. She responded. Immediately. She’s over there in her bunk in her scratchy responding to me.
No, it’s not I miss you, every day that sounds creepy stop it, I mean I think of you, I always have that’s not just a line I mean I do, did really. For the longest time, I regretted having you because I hated that you existed without me. But now you don’t. I’m sorry it’s late and as I said my job is...Stressful and I don’t know how to do this. I’m not married I don’t have any other children all this what I’m trying to say is---I don’t know how to say I love you.
That’s funny neither do I she writes because I’ve never had anyone love me
Yes you have I always have, so now we just get to say it
I didn’t know it
I know and I suffered every day for that I am crying now but I did, you weren’t alone. I was waiting for you, and that doesn’t’ take away the nights of loneliness I know, I know it won’t for me, take away the nights of pain and sadness, but it is a guarantee you will never ever have to feel that again, it’s over, from now on, that’s it you will always, always always always have somebody that loves you someplace, no matter how far apart we are
I don’t know what that feels like I don’t believe it even though I believe you she writes. I wonder if she is crying as hard as I am.
That’s okay neither do I, but we have each other now, okay?
Okay I need to go to sleep soon they get us up early but if you can write to me about you tell me about you...If you don’t mind I’d like to know what you look like what you do
A little impossible I can’t tell you about my work not here it’s complicated I swear it will all make sense but I’ll be there at your graduation I’ll meet you and your mother after I promise and then I’ll explain everything. She’s in the brig tonight, of course, she has to go.
I’m sorry I really am my job is hard to explain here I’m sure you’re tired I don’t want her to feel bad or upset, one of us already does.
Okay I understand then I’m looking forward to meeting you
I’m dying to meet you I type, with a smile. Then she logs off.
Love you I type, so it’ll be there the next time she opens it. Then I sink back onto my bed, clutching the tablet. Rereading the words she wrote to me making her more real in my head.
Then I realize something. I just sent all that, all that. and the world didn’t come to an end. Nobody came and broke down the door to haul me off in chains, nothing. no alarms went off, nobody started calling my earpiece. Nothing. it’s all okay. nobody knows nobody will know. and I can talk to her, in complete secret.
“Card, look at this,” Kip says, he is sitting with his feet up on the table, looking at a couple of monitors. I’m scrolling through the monitors and reprogramming a loop so that Kip will not see me sneak out later tonight.
“What is it?” I ask, wheeling my chair o
ver next to his. He offers me another crisp from the bag he is eating from. I accept I’m surprised at how palatable these are.
“This guy’s daughter is your class and he’s never met her ‘cause she’s a Project 10 and they finally wrote to each other tonight, and it’s really cute see,” he scrolls through the feed.
“You can see what we send on our tablets?” and why haven’t we been doing this sooner? Earlier today while we were supposed to be cleaning our dorm I set up lots of fun surprises.
“Yeah, mostly it’s dead boring, but these two are sweet,” he says.
“I know Liesel,” I say, “She’s the Kepler company flight leader. Her father is Harris?”
“Huh? I guess I don’t know these people’s names; just the tops of their heads,” Kip says.
“That’s why he nearly hyperventilated when we were coming down from the roof and she slid down the sides like Nolan and I did,” I say.
“I saw you do that, show off,” Kip says, elbowing me.
“Do they just leave you up here all the time?” I ask, wondering how he could be working the night shift and have seen me the previous morning.
“Yeah, sort of, rotating twenty-four hour shifts or something like that, I don’t know, I think my replacement hasn’t been showing up or something,” he says.
“I’m sure Harris isn’t supposed to be teaching our class, then,” I muse.
“Oh, yeah, no definitely not. But who cares? Not me, I’m not paid to care, and you certainly aren’t; I just think it’s sweet,” Kip says.
“I guess,” I say.
“Well, what does your dad write you?” he asks.
“He doesn’t, I don’t think he even knows I’m Space Forces let alone a Cadet,” I say, “I’ve seen him once since, and that was only because they summoned him to school because I was in trouble. he didn’t even walk me home.”
“I’m sorry,” he says, “That’s horrible. My dad left when I was fourteen---that was also horrible, he knows I’m here, acts like he’s proud of me but I don’t think he really does. I wasn’t an intentional child.”
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