Chapter Twenty-Three
Nikki was fast asleep again by the time her mom came back carrying some breakfast.
“Still sleeping, I see.” She sat down on the couch against the wall.
“She woke up for a short while and visited.”
“Good, I’m glad. She was really concerned about you.”
I nodded, not quite able to meet her gaze. “Yeah, sorry about that.”
She took a bite of her food, looking at me thoughtfully while she chewed. I felt like I had a big neon sign on my head flashing the word “guilty” all over it.
“Chase, you seem different somehow. Is there anything I can do to help? You know I love you like you’re one of my own kids, right?”
I gave a soft snort, suddenly becoming interested in the tiles on the floor. I shifted uneasily.
“Talk to me. Maybe it’ll help to get it out.”
The tension inside me rose to an extremely uncomfortable level. I didn’t know how to tell her what I needed, but I knew she deserved the truth.
“I know Nikki was meeting you so the two of you could spend the night together.”
My head jerked up—reading her expression, looking for anger—but there was none.
“Nikki told me about it when everyone was trying to find you. She told me a lot of things—confidential things you’ve told her. She was worried you might have used some drugs and overdosed somewhere.”
“So, all my secrets are out.” I smiled wryly. “Is this where you tell me to get out, I’m not good enough to date your daughter?” I felt ill.
“No. This is the part where I reiterate my previous statement. I love you like my own child. You’re part of our family now, and I’ll do whatever I can to help you.”
I laughed, and stood up, pacing away before turning around to face her.
“Why? I certainly haven’t done anything to deserve that kind of treatment. I pressured your daughter to be with me, wearing her defenses down until she gave in. She’s lying in this bed because of what I wanted her to do. If she never walks again it’ll be my fault. Don’t you understand?”
“That’s not how I see it at all. I see two kids who have been together for months and have grown to have some very real adult feelings for each other. Nikki told me you never pressured her, letting her take things at her own pace. She said this was her decision.”
I let out a groan of disagreement. “I pressured her every time I touched her, trying to fire her up so she’d want it as much as I did. I’m no saint and certainly not someone worthy of any sort of praise. Every time I think about her being here, it makes me so sick—I just want to vomit. She doesn’t deserve this. It should be me, not her. The world can get along fine without a guy like me, but it needs all the people like Nikki it can find. She’s so perfect—completely good, patient, and generous.”
“If she’s so wonderful, then why did she pick you, Chase?”
“That’s exactly my point. She didn’t want to go out with me. She called me a punk the first time we met. I wore her down, made her go out with me, and now look at her. It’s like I destroy everything I touch.”
Justine stood and came to place both of her hands firmly on my shoulders.
“Stop it, Chase,” she commanded. “This is not your fault. It’s an unfortunate accident. Nikki went out with you because she saw something she liked about you. That like turned into something much more. She feels this way because she loves everything about you. She wants all of you, the weaknesses and the strengths. That’s how it works. She’s not perfect, even if you think she is. She struggles with things like the rest of us. You can help her best if you stop blaming yourself. Otherwise your guilt is going to eat you up and take you someplace you’ve tried really hard to escape. Don’t let it drive a new wedge between the two of you. She needs you now more than ever. It’s time for you to be the strong one.”
She didn’t wait for me to reply, instead wrapping her arms around and hugging me tightly. I returned her embrace, knowing I was being selfish. What she was saying made sense. I couldn’t see the hurt of the people around me because I was too intent on wallowing in my own.
She loosened her grip and stepped away. “We okay now?” She smiled.
I nodded. “Thanks for not being angry.”
She returned to the couch. “I’ve been there. My husband and I got together in high school. I remember what it was like. There’s no way I’d ever condemn someone else for feeling the same way. I’ve also learned since then that life can be way too short, so we need to try and make the best of it.”
I sat down in the chair by Nikki’s bed. “She’s been trying to tell me the same thing. I guess she gets her good optimism from you. For some reason I don’t have that. When my dad died, all I saw was darkness. I didn’t know how to get past it. I’m not sure I wanted to get past it. I think maybe it was my way of hanging on to him.”
“And there’s nothing wrong with it. We all grieve differently, Chase. There’s no right or wrong way. The important thing is to keep trying.”
I snorted. “That’s where I failed. I lost the desire to try. I didn’t want to feel anything. It was too difficult.”
“But you overcame it. Look at you. You had to do some things the hard way—like being arrested, and doing community service—but you survived it, didn’t you? You changed some things, made new friends, and carved yourself a new life with a promising future. You need to start seeing the good inside yourself. It’s definitely there. I happen to think you’re your own worst critic.”
“You’re probably right. I think I’ve been living with my flaws for so long now, it’s all I see sometimes.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Why?”
“I’ve watched you. You exude confidence. Every time you step on the football field I see a guy who knows he’s in control. He knows he can conquer what’s in front of him. It’s in the way you walk, in the way you talk, even the way you act. No one messes with or gets in the way of Chase Walker. If I were to look up confident in the dictionary, your picture would be next to it.”
I chuckled at the image she was creating, shaking my head at the analogy. “I’m glad I have you fooled.”
“Have you ever wanted something and not gone after it?”
I thought about that, truly trying to come up with an answer and not finding one.
“See what I mean? When you make up your mind to do something, you commit to it completely. You go after it until you get it because you know you can get it. You don’t stop until you have things the way you want them. You’re confident.”
Our conversation was interrupted by a nurse who came in.
“Good morning. We’re getting ready to wheel Nikki down to CT and see how these steroids are helping her swelling. The doctor would like to get her into surgery as soon as possible.”
“Okay, thank you,” Justine replied while the nurse checked Nikki’s I.V. and unhooked her from the monitors.
“Can we go with her?” I asked.
“Sure, you can walk down there with us, if you’d like. You’ll have to wait outside of CT while we do the scan, though.”
“All right. I just want her to know we’re there with her.”
“No problem.”
Another tech arrived, and he began to release the brakes on her hospital bed.
“Nikki, can you hear me?” the nurse asked as she shook her shoulder gently.
Nikki opened her eyes slightly and mumbled something.
“We’re taking you for a ride down to CT to run a scan and see how things are progressing for you.”
“Okay.” She looked between her mom and me with a tired expression. “Are you coming too?”
“Yep. You think I’m gonna let this guy go traipsing about this hospital on a joyride with my girl?” I winked at her, and everyone laughed.
“Ouch,” Nikki said, moving her hand toward her chest. “That hurts.”
“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to make you laug
h.” I felt horrible.
“It’s okay. I like hearing your snarky sense of humor. It makes me feel good.” She seemed a little out of breath, but she smiled, reaching to clasp my hand for a moment as her bed rolled past.
Justine and I followed after her, and she slipped her arm in mine. “Thank you for being here with us, Chase. It means a lot.” She leaned her head briefly onto my shoulder.
I covered her hand where it rested. “I don’t want to be anywhere else.”
The tech directed us to some seats in the hallway when we reached the room.
“I love you.” I reached to give Nikki another caress. “We’ll be right here.”
“Thanks. I love you too,” she said, and the tech pushed her bed through the doorway where there was another person in a lab coat waiting.
The door slowly closed behind them, and we sat down.
“How long do these things take,” I asked.
“It shouldn’t be too long. They just need to get some good shots of the area so the radiologist can read them.”
“I wish they’d let us go in. I hate her having to do all this stuff alone.”
Her mom put her arm around me and gave me a slight hug. “I’m glad you want to help her. She’ll need that support. She’s a tough kid, though, and a fighter.”
I nodded and took my cell phone from my pocket. I’d changed the battery before I left home, and there were like a billion messages from everyone who had been trying to reach me. I started deleting them one by one as I read through them.
“Code Team One is needed in CT, stat. Code Team One is needed in CT, stat.”
My head popped up. “Did they say CT?” I asked turning to see the stricken look of horror on Justine’s face.
I jumped up and ran to the door, shoving it open. Nikki was on the table for the scan, and the tech and CT person were performing CPR.
“What’s going on?” I yelled, the room suddenly spinning dangerously out of control.
“Sir, please step outside,” someone said from behind me, grabbing my shoulders, pulling me to the left.
A barrage of people ran inside, pushing a large cart with paddles into the space.
“What’s happening?” I asked again, shock settling over my system as I turned to the security guard who held me. “Please—someone—talk to me!”
“There’s been a complication. Let the team do their work. It’s the best thing for her.”
Justine moved next to me, trembling, and I slipped my arm around her waist. “This can’t be happening,” she whispered, sliding her hands over her mouth.
The CPR continued as another person ripped Nikki’s gown down from her chest. Someone else was placing a tube down her throat. “I’m in,” he shouted, hooking a bag to the end of the tube.
A man turned with the paddles. “Charging. I’m clear, everyone clear.”
The crew stepped back, lifting their hands from Nikki. The paddles were placed against her chest and her body arced hard against the table as the power shot into her.
“Checking for pulse,” a nurse said, putting her fingers against Nikki’s neck. “No pulse. Resume CPR.”
The person at her head started bagging air into her, while the tech continued chest compressions.
“Charging again,” the man called out once more. “Ready? I’m clear, everyone clear.”
The people shifted away as Nikki was shocked again, her body arcing high.
“Checking for pulse.” We all waited with baited breath. “No pulse. Resume CPR.” The crew went back to work again.
“Charging. I’m clear, everyone clear.” He glanced around at everyone.
Another shock.
“Still no pulses. Continue CPR.”
“Administering a round of drugs,” the man at her head said, as everyone continued to work.
“Charging again. Everyone clear.”
Shock.
“No pulse. Continue CPR.”
Justine was sobbing on my shoulder. More people were running into the room to help. I could feel my whole body shaking, but I couldn’t stop it.
“Why don’t you two come sit back down in these chairs over here,” the security guard prodded. “We don’t need either of you getting faint or sick right now.”
I realized I must’ve been holding the door open with my foot because it closed when I stepped away.
Anger suddenly overtook me.
“What the hell is happening?” I raged, my mind unwilling to accept what it was seeing. “She was fine a minute ago. What can happen in such a short amount time that she ends up like this?”
“I don’t know, sir. But please try to remain calm. They’re doing everything in their power to help her.”
I laughed harshly. “Calm? You want me remain calm?” I strode down the hallway, suddenly feeling dizzy. I knelt down, planting my fist against the floor, staying there for what seemed like eons as the world dragged to a creeping pace around me.
“Chase,” Justine called, and I turned to see her ashen expression, staring at the doctor who was coming through the door.
“Are you the Wagners?” he asked.
“Yes.” Her voice shook.
I got up and began walking toward them.
“I’m not sure what happened, but I’m really sorry. We did everything we could, but she didn’t make it.”
“What?” I shouted, my vision going red as the whole world tilted. “That’s not possible. She’s seventeen years old. She has her whole life ahead of her still!”
“I’m sorry,” he said again.
I grabbed the lapels of his jacket. “Stop being sorry, and get in there and fix her! You hear me? Fix her, and don’t come out until you’re done.”
“Security is needed by CT,” a voice behind me said, and I felt strong arms wrap around me like a vise grip. “Let go of him, son. You can’t attack the doctor.”
“I don’t care,” I yelled, shaking him. “He needs to do his job!”
The doctor simply stood there with an apologetic look, but he didn’t try to move away.
I saw two other officers appear at the far end of the hallway. They ran quickly, grabbing me, pulling me away as I fought with them.
“Fix her!” I shouted again. “Fix her!”
They dragged me into a vacant room.
“You’ve got to calm down, sir!” They held me tight, twisting my arms behind me, pressing my face hard into the wall. “We don’t want to have to call the police. Please try to understand.”
I quit struggling and they released me. I swung my fist back, punching clear through the sheet rock.
“Not Nikki too,” I cried as I sank to the floor. “Please God. Not her too.”
I covered my face with my hands and sobbed uncontrollably, unable to stop the heart wrenching pain which shot through me.
No one said anything more, but I heard the door open, and a second later, soft arms enveloped me. I looked up long enough to see her mom there, tears streaming down her face. I buried my head into her shoulder, letting her cradle me as the floodgates opened completely.
Chasing Nikki Page 23
