But that couldn't be. Time was like a roller coaster and we were approaching the peak of the steepest hill. We were both about to graduate high school and then we would go rushing downward into our futures that might easily take us into far different directions. We couldn't even turn around to look back.
After I stood by my bedroom window and watched him walk off, I lay there on ray bed, staring out the window through the pink and white curtains, hearing the birds serenade each other and listening to the thumping of my own heart. It made me so sad that I cried for what seemed like hours. Mother's soft, concerned voice rescued me from my own tears.
"Annie, what's wrong?" She came in quickly and sat beside me on the bed. "Honey?" I felt the comfort of her hand on my hair, stroking the long, dark brown strands with concern. I turned my tearfilled my eyes toward her.
"Oh Mother, I don't know," I moaned. "Sometimes, I just can't help crying and feeling just terrible. I know I should be happy. Soon I'll be graduating and going off for an extended visit to Europe, seeing all those wonderful places most people only read about or see pictures of, and I have so many things other girls my age don't have, but . ."
"But what, Annie?"
"But suddenly everything seems to be happening too fast. Luke is getting ready to go off to college and become someone else. We'll probably hardly ever see each other again," I cried.
"But this is what it means to grow up, honey." She smiled and kissed my cheek.
"And all the things that used to look so big and important to me look small and . . . and simple. The gazebo . . ."
"What about the gazebo, Annie?" She waited with her smile frozen on her lips as I tried to find words that made any sense to me as well as to her.
"It's just a. . . gazebo now," I protested. "Well, that's all it ever was, Annie."
"No, it was more," I insisted. So much more, I thought. It was our dream place and dreams were falling away too quickly.
She shook her head.
"You're just going through something everyone your age goes through, Annie. Life can be scary when it comes to these crossroads. All this time you've been a little girl, protected and loved, and now you're being asked to be grown up and responsible."
"Did this happen to you, too?" I asked.
"A lot earlier, I'm afraid."
"Because your father sold you and your brothers and sisters?"
"Even before that, Annie. I didn't have much of an opportunity to be a little girl. Before I knew what was happening, I had to be a mother to Keith and Jane."
"I know. And Fanny was no help," I repeated. I had heard this before and was afraid it was all I would hear now.
"No." She laughed. "Hardly. Fanny has always been able to discard her frustrations like a garment easy to rip off. But your uncle Tom was a great help. Tom was wonderful and strong and very mature for his age. How I wish you could have known him," she added wistfully, her eyes, so much like my own, taking on a faraway look.
"But your life got so much better after you went to live at Farthy, didn't it?" I prompted, hoping she might tell me more. She appeared startled, as if she really had been in some other world.
"Not right away. Don't forget I was a girl from the Willies suddenly going to live in a fancy, sophisticated, luxurious world, sent to a posh school attended only by rich, snobby girls who made me feel unwanted." Her face hardened as she remembered. "Rich girls can be very cruel because their money and wealth protects them like a cocoon. Don't ever be inconsiderate and unsympathetic to those who have less than you do, Annie."
"Oh I won't," I insisted. Surely Mother had instilled that in me from the time I was old enough to talk.
"No, I don't think you will." She smiled softly. "Try as he might, your daddy hasn't succeeded in spoiling you," she said, her eyes twinkling with love.
"Mother, will you ever tell me why you hate Tony Tatterton so much?" I swallowed and bit down hard on my tongue to prevent myself from telling her about Drake's letter and visit to Farthy.
"I don't hate him as much as I pity him, Annie," she said, her voice firm. "He may be one of the richest men on the East Coast, but he's apathetic creature as far as I'm concerned."
"But why?"
She stared at me. Could she look at me and see the things I already knew, the things Drake had written about and told me about on the phone? I had to shift my eyes away from hers, but the truth was, she wasn't looking at me; she was looking through me, looking at her own memories. I saw the way they turned and twisted her lips, narrowed her eyes, brought a smile and then a scowl to her face.
"Mother?"
"Annie," she replied, "a long time ago, someone once told me you trap yourself sometimes, by thinking desire and need is love. He was right. Love is something far e lore precious, but something far more fragile. As fragile as . . as one of our tiniest, most intricate, most delicately crafted toys. Hold on to it too tightly, and it will crumble in your fingers, but hold on to it too loosely, and the wind might blow it away and shatter it on the cold ground. Listen to the voice in your heart, Annie, but be absolutely sure the voice comes from your heart. Will you remember that, Annie?"
"Yes. But why are you telling me this? Does it have something to do with your life at Farthy?" I held my breath.
"Someday I'll tell you everything, Annie. I promise. It just isn't the time yet. Trust me, please."
"I trust you, Mother. More than anyone in the world." I couldn't help being disappointed. For so many years I had heard this promise. When would be the time? I was already eighteen years old, a fully grown woman. She had given me her most valuable diamonds, her most precious replica cottage. When would she give me the real story of her life?
"My Annie, my precious, precious, Annie." She hugged me to her and pressed her cheek against mine. Then she sighed and stood up. "Well, I haven't bought your aunt Fanny a birthday gift yet. Want to help me pick something out?"
"Yes. Luke's so upset about her party though."
"I know. Why we cater to her is a mystery to me. I don't underestimate your aunt Fanny. She talks like a hillbilly, but she's far from dumb. She makes us feel guilty before we have a chance to say no. There's no one else like her," she added shaking her head and smiling with amusement.
"Talk to her about Luke, Mother. Make her stop making him feel bad about going to Harvard."
"He was accepted?" Delight lifted her voice. "Yes. And with a full scholarship!"
"How wonderful!" She straightened into a flag of pride. "Another descendent of Grandpa Toby Casteel goes to Harvard," she announced as if to the whole town. Then her eyes softened. "Don't worry about Fanny. She will say and do something dramatic, but in her heart, she's proud of Luke, and I'm sure she will find some reason to pay him a visit and stroll over that campus like a queen."
She folded her arms under her breasts like Aunt Fanny often did, and threw her head back.
"Well, ma son goes here, so ah think I kin stroll over this grass if I've a mind ta."
We both laughed and then she hu: led me again.
"That's better. Now you're the Annie you're supposed to be, happy, delicate, alive. You're everything I could have wished for myself, honey," she said softly. My tears were tears of happiness now.
My mother, how quickly she could drive away my dark clouds. Suddenly my world was full of bright, golden sunshine again, and the songs of the birds were no longer sad songs. I hugged and kissed her and went into the bathroom to wash my tearstreaked cheeks so I could go shopping with her for a birthday gift for Aunt Fanny.
FOUR Aunt Fanny's Birthday Party
. It was a wonderful night for a party. The sky was a backdrop of rich black velvet with tiny diamonds cast randomly over it The air was fragrant and still. My parents and I were dressed and ready. Roland Star greeted us outside on the porch as we left the house. "This is the calm before a mighty storm," he drawled.
"But there's not a cloud in the sky!" I remarked. When it came to predicting weather, Roland was rarely wrong.
"They're hoverin' about up there, just over the horizon, Annie. They's the kind that sneak up on ya. Be a while yit, but watch fer the first streaks of lightnin'. Then head for the indoors."
"Do you think it will rain?" I asked my mother. A spring thunderstorm could bring torrents and flood everything, turning any party into a disaster,
"Don't worry. We won't be at the party that long." She looked to my father for confirmation, but he just shrugged. Then we got into our Rolls-Royce and started for Fanny and Luke's house.
They had a nice home, modest in comparison with Hasbrouck House, but most every home in Winnerrow was. After Aunt Fanny "mysteriously" inherited a great deal of money--an inheritance Drake, Luke, and I came to realize had something to do with Drake's custody hearing--she had her home redesigned and expanded. She had bought the original home with money she had gotten from her first marriage, to someone named Mallory. I never knew his first name because she referred to him only as "Ole Mallory." Her second marriage, to Randall Wilcox, was short-lived. He had long since moved away. Then Aunt Fanny legally returned her name to Casteel, partly to rub it into the faces of the
townspeople, I always thought.
Aunt Fanny was always threatening she would have a third marriage. It seemed like an empty threat because for as long as I could remember, she hadn't ever gone out with anyone near her own age. All her boyfriends were in their twenties. One of her more recent ones, Brent Morris, was just four years older than Luke.
Her house was on a hill overlooking
Winnerrow, and the rock band had set up speakers so huge that the music rolled right down to Main Street. We could hear the music blaring as we drove up the mountain. Mother thought that was outrageous, but Daddy only laughed.
By the time we arrived, the party was in full swing. The rock band had set themselves up in Fanny's garage and the expanded and widened driveway served as a dance floor. Over the garage door a banner spelled HAPPY BIRTHDAY FANNY! in fluorescent red paint. Paper lanterns hung from tree limbs, and streamers were draped everywhere on her property.
Mommy asked Daddy to park our car where it couldn't be blocked in by anyone, so we could make a quick getaway when she determined we had had enough, but Daddy didn't seem as eager to secure an escape route. He seemed in an unusually jolly mood. I suspected he had had a few drinks at home to fortify himself for the occasion. No matter how many years had gone by and how wonderful Mommy was about it, Daddy was always agitated in Aunt Fanny's presence. Her conversations were usually stocked with innuendos that made almost everyone
uncomfortable. I had to admire Mommy for the ladylike way she always handled Fanny's carrying-on. I only hoped Luke was right--that I would be as strong and steady as she was when I was on my own.
Aunt Fanny came running over to us as soon as we stepped out of the car. She had her hair crimped and blown out and wore the tightest black leather dress imaginable. It looked like a second layer of skin. The dress had a very low neckline, the base of the V dipping well below her cleavage. She wore no jewelry, almost as if she didn't want anything competing with her rich cream complexion and rosetinted bosom. Mother didn't look surprised, but Daddy's eyes widened with masculine appreciation. I looked around for Luke, realizing how embarrassed he must already be.
Fanny scooped one of her arms under Mother's right arm and the other under Daddy's left so she could escort them into the party, announcing their arrival as she did so. I followed closely behind.
A long bar with two bartenders had been set up in front of the house, and the bartenders were pouring drinks very generously, not even measuring how much alcohol they were putting in the glasses. Adjacent to the makeshift bar was a full keg of beer submerged in a vat of ice. A steady stream of men, many of whom lived in the Willies, stood in line to fill their quart-size mugs.
Fanny had had strings of multicolored lights strung across the lawn from the house to adjacent trees. She had hired a half-dozen women to prepare and serve the food. All wore button-down white cotton dresses and dished out the food from behind long tables covered with buckets of fried chickens, platters of fish, bowls filled with a variety of salads, mashed potatoes, and steaming vegetables.
"Ma rich sista and brotha-in-law, the king and queen of Winnerrow, the Stonewalls!" Fanny bellowed.
"Oh, Fanny, please. Behave yourself," Mother chastised.
"Oh, let her enjoy herself," Daddy said. I think he liked being called the king of Winnerrow. "It's her night. Happy birthday, Fanny," he said.
"Why thank ya, Logan, dear, but don't I get at least one birthday kiss? That'd be all right with ya, won't it, Heavenly?"
"That's entirely up to Logan, Fanny. I don't tell him who he can kiss and who he can't."
Mother's reply struck Fanny funny. She laughed and laughed and then suddenly stopped and rubbed up to my father so seductively, it interrupted conversations all around us. Everyone stopped and stared. Mother turned away, but I couldn't take my eyes off the two of them. Daddy smiled nervously and then he leaned forward to give Fanny her birthday kiss.
When his lips met hers, Fanny seized his shoulders and pulled him closer. I saw her work her tongue in between his lips and then press her breast against his arm. Some of the men from the Willies cheered and whooped lasciviously. When their lips finally parted, Fanny pulled Daddy onto the dance floor as he looked back helplessly at Mother and me. Fanny started to gyrate before him, egging him on to join her in what she called "these modern dances."
She made him loosen his tie.
"Ya didn't have ta get all fancied up for lir ale Fanny," she announced. She directed everything she said to the audience of young men that hovered around her. They laughed and smiled and nudged one another. The band played even louder.
I looked again for Luke, but didn't see him anywhere outside.
"I'm going to get something to eat, Annie," Mother said tightly, "and put Fanny's present on the pile over there. Do you want something to eat?"
I looked at her face and wondered how she felt about Daddy and Aunt Fanny being the center of attention, especially with all the gossip about their affair years ago. But even in these circumstances, Mommy had a wonderful way of holding in her true feelings. Only someone like me, someone who had known her so long and was as close to her as I was, could see the cold, hard look in her blue eyes and know that not only wasn't she happy, she was in a rage.
How could she be so controlled? I wondered. What if something similar to this happened to me and my husband? Could I carry on as she was or would I just explode? If it were Luke and he were kissing another woman . . .
Daddy was trying to swing his hips in time to Fanny's as she reached out and rested her palms on his shoulders. I thought she looked ridiculous, dancing like a lewd teenager. He looked baffled. How unfair Daddy and Aunt Fanny were being to Mommy, considering what she had to go through while they performed for this raucous crowd. I wanted to shout out to Daddy to stop, and I wanted to bawl out Aunt Fanny for not considering Mother's feelings, too.
There was a limit to selfishness and how much should be excused in the name of a good time, I concluded. I needed to talk to Luke.
"First I'll find Luke, and then we'll join you."
"All right, honey," she said, and glanced back once at Daddy and Aunt Fanny. Fanny had her arms around his waist now and she was swinging her hips wildly from side to side. For a moment I wondered if I shouldn't cut in and take Daddy from Fanny, but then I thought she might make a bigger scene and embarrass us even more. I went searching for Luke and finally found him in the house, sitting alone on the couch in the living room.
"Luke, why are you sitting by yourself in here?"
He looked up. When he saw me, his smile broke through the icy layer of rage that covered his face.
"I just couldn't stand it anymore out there, Annie. I decided the best thing to do was come in here and wait for it all to end. She's throwing herself on all of them, and the way they kiss her and the way she kisses them back . . ." He sh
ook his head. "What is she trying to prove?"
"That she can be young and beautiful forever, maybe; that forever and ever young men will desire her."
"Why doesn't she just act her age? Why can't she have class, like Heaven?"
"She's making a scene with Daddy now, and Mother's getting angry," I said, not masking my anger.
He looked up quickly. "Is she? I had a nightmare about that. What is your father doing?"
"I think he's just trying to be polite and not have her escalate into any more embarrassing scenes, but I don't know how long Mother will put up with it. I feel so sorry for her, Luke."
"I guess I had better get back out there. Maybe I can do something. I'm sorry," he said.
"You can't spend your life apologizing for your mother, Luke."
"Seems that's all I've been doing since I can remember." He straightened up. He looked very handsome, dressed in a light blue sports jacket and tie. His rich black hair was soft and wavy. He looked like a man, I thought, not a boy anymore, a man who could handle a situation like this. I followed him out.
The band had changed the music. Suddenly they were playing a Willies hoedown, and the men from the shacks had formed a circle around Aunt Fanny and Daddy, who looked like he was holding on for dear life now as she swung him around, his once neatly brushed hair now flying about wildly.
I spotted Mother off to the side, standing under a pine tree. She had a plate of food in her hands, but she wasn't eating any of it.
"Your father's making a fool of himself," she muttered when Luke and I stepped up beside her. "I'm just waiting for him to come to his senses, but by my count he's had four drinks already."
"I'll cut in on them," Luke volunteered. He lunged forward before my mother could respond. He pulled two men apart and entered the circle, seizing Aunt Fanny's loose right hand and pulling her toward him and away from Daddy, who spun around in confusion for a moment. He got his footing, saw Fanny was dancing with Luke, and backed out of the center of the circle. Mother stepped forward.
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