by M. S. Parker
“Yes, Jal.” His hands on my thighs…
“Yes, Jal, you can fuck me.” His eyes glinting with a wicked light as he smiled at me.
“Yes, Jal, you can fuck me.” You can do anything…
“Yes, Jal, I want you.”
Oh, man, did I want…
“Yes, Jal…”
“Yes…” I could barely form the words, but I knew he wanted me to scream...
The dream-memory shattered, falling apart around me, and then I was awake, shivering and aching…and aware. Aware of every single thing I'd done.
Sitting up, I swiveled around on the couch and looked around. My body felt used and abused in the very best of ways. The rest of me felt used and abused in the very worst of ways – and that was my own damn fault.
“What have I done?” I mouthed the question silently to myself as I dropped my face into my hands.
I was drunk–
Knee jerk reaction and immediately, I had to toss it aside, because I hadn’t been drunk. Not really. I’d been lightheaded, tipsy, yes, but I’d known exactly what I was doing.
I’d slept with a guy I barely knew – stupid.
I’d slept with a rich white guy – also stupid.
I’d slept with a guy so far outside my league, it wasn’t even comprehensible. Stupid didn’t touch it.
And I’d slept with a guy who was engaged – to my half-sister.
That wasn’t just stupid. It was wrong on more levels than I wanted to acknowledge. Part of me understood that I’d been caught up in all this because I wanted a little bit of her fairytale life. The life I'd never been good enough to have.
Then I'd gone and stolen her prince.
Not that I’d really stolen him.
He wasn’t mine.
We’d just had sex.
But I’d still done something wrong, unforgivable. It didn’t matter that Paisley didn’t know. I knew.
My stomach rebelled, and I barely managed to keep myself from throwing up, but I couldn’t do anything about the cold sweat that broke out over my body. Hand pressed to my mouth, I bit my lower lip and blinked back the tears. I didn’t have the luxury or the time for tears. What I did have time for was getting out of this bed, finding my clothes and getting out of here before I had to explain any of this.
Easing the blanket back, I started to roll over. Jal moved with me, burying his face in my hair as he murmured something.
My heart broke a little as my ears picked up on it.
My name.
He’d said my name.
With his hand on my belly, he tugged me back to him, his big body pressed against mine and his chin resting on my shoulder. I felt surrounded by him…treasured, cradled. Like I was something precious. Something that mattered to him.
Squeezing my eyes tightly shut, I tried to figure out what to do. After a few more moments, he settled back in to sleep. I took his hand and steadied it as I worked out from under his embrace. He made a few more noises under his breath, but then rolled onto his back and flung his forearm over his eyes, determined to stave off morning for a little bit longer.
Part of me wished I could settle down next to him, hide away from morning and reality too. But morning and reality were coming whether I liked it or not.
With every passing moment, my mind cleared, the details from last night becoming like crystal in my mind. I remembered tossing back champagne, most of it on an empty stomach, but I couldn't pretend anything had happened because I was drunk.
I wish I could blame it on that, but my head had been clear enough.
Dancing with him, I’d made a stupid, silly wish that he could be mine, wishing for other things I had no right to. A dance, a kiss…more.
Then he had kissed me in the limo.
He’d kissed me, put his hand on my knee, saying the very things I’d been thinking.
This is wrong.
We shouldn’t.
I don’t care.
It had been wrong. We totally shouldn’t have.
And I hadn’t cared.
Not at the time.
But now…
I’d said yes when he asked me to come home with him. Then I'd screamed yes as he teased me about wanting more. And I’d screamed it again as he made me come.
I shivered, desire a twisting knot in my belly.
I wished I could pretend I’d been just a little too drunk. That would have given me a little bit of solace, but as I lay there in the cold, hard light of morning, I had no one but myself to blame.
And the knowledge that if it were all to play out again, I would have made the same choices.
Guilt didn’t describe how I felt.
Behind me, Jal rolled over onto his side and made a low noise deep in his chest. He sounded like a giant cat, stretching out in his sleep, and the part that didn't want to think about what I'd done wanted to turn back and curl up against him. I just wanted to forget about everything for a little while longer. It was a luxury I didn’t have though.
Pushing up of off the couch, I stood up and looked around. The only articles of clothing I could find happened to be my underwear and my shoes. I grabbed them and eased out of the room after checking to make sure there wasn't anybody lying in wait.
The last thing I wanted to do was run into a housekeeper or a butler, but I didn’t see anybody as I made it to the front door. My beautiful dress lay there in a wrinkled puddle. Grabbing it, I hurried into it before looking for my purse. My phone was running on low, but I was able to text for a car.
Wiggling into my panties, I used the step as a seat to put my shoes on, listening for Jal or anybody else.
A car would be there in less than ten minutes. It was cold outside, and I hadn’t worn a coat last night. I didn’t have a decent one for anything even remotely dressy, but I couldn’t stay inside.
Still, I hesitated another minute. The silvery haze of frost clung to the trees outside, but I couldn’t delay the inevitable without risking Jal waking up.
And I couldn’t face him right now.
I was having a hard enough time facing myself.
That was enough to push me out the front door, and into the frigid not-quite-spring air. My arms were covered in goose bumps before I even cleared the porch, and by the time I’d navigated the long, twisting drive, my teeth were chattering. I’d asked the driver to pick me up a few houses down from Jal’s, and I was going to have to hoof it to get there. Hopefully, that would warm me up.
My breath came in puffy clouds as I walked. All around me were elegant, stately homes. In this posh area of Philadelphia, houses didn’t run in the six figures. It was more like seven and eight.
I was in luck. The black car with the Uber sticker came pulling up before I'd gone more than a few feet past the drive. Waving at him, I sighed gratefully. Warmth wrapped around me as I settled in the back seat of the car.
I gave the driver the address to confirm...then I made the mistake of looking back just as Jal came jogging outside.
He looked down for the car just as we turned off the road. He didn’t see me. But it didn’t matter.
Pain lanced through me, bright and sharp.
I’d made plenty of mistakes in life – plenty. I had plenty of regrets to go along with them, but this one topped the list.
No matter how drawn I'd been to Jal, I’d had no business doing this.
I had no business wanting him, and I sure as hell hadn't had any business acting on those wants.
I’d grown up around this sort of thing, and I knew the misery it caused, the strife, the emotional bruises.
I’d made myself a promise that I wouldn’t ever be the cause of it, and I wouldn’t be on either side of it, either.
But here I was, the other woman.
And it wasn’t enough that I had slept with an engaged man. I slept with the one who was engaged to my sister, even if that relationship was blood only.
I loved my mother, but that was one way I'd never wanted to be like her. But now I was. The bill
ionaire’s mistress. I'd destroyed Paisley's second family as surely as my mother had destroyed the first. Even if she never knew, it was still there.
Chapter Ten
Jal
There were some dreams too sweet to wake up from.
Allie’s hands gripping my hair, holding my face tight against her pussy as I lapped her up...that was one sweet, sweet dream.
Rolling onto my belly, I pulled a pillow in tight and buried my face in it. It was scratchier than normal, and that didn’t help me settle back into the dream any better, but for a few more minutes, I kept reality at bay and tried to pretend I was still in that dream.
Allie…
Her legs around me. Her hands in my hair.
My cock pulsed and instinctively, I pushed my hips against the mattress. Soft leather gave under me.
Leather. I was on the couch.
Leather…the couch…just like in my dream.
Slowly, I started to smile. Maybe it hadn’t all been a dream.
Maybe I was here trying to block out reality and the general fucked-up state of my life, and Allie was next to me. I swept out a hand. The space next to me was still warm.
The smile spread.
Allie…
I heard the front door close. It was quiet, but the sound echoed through my head. Jerking upright, my head spun.
What the hell–
Just like that, everything from last night tumbled into place.
I’d danced with Allie.
I’d laughed with her.
Kissed her.
Brought her back here and fucked her – on the desk, then on the couch, because I hadn’t been able to stand the idea of taking her in the bed where I sometimes slept with Paisley. Because I'd wanted to have a place where I could remember without any other memories creeping in.
My cock pulsed again, this time in demand.
Allie…
“Stop it,” I muttered, pressing my hand against it as I looked around, taking note of the things I’d missed the first time. My clothes were everywhere. I’d stripped Allie pretty much naked in the hallway, but I didn’t see her shoes or her panties, which confirmed what I'd already known.
She was gone.
While I was dead asleep, she’d left.
I’d slept better than I had since Paisley had told me about the baby, and Allie had just slipped out.
“Aw, hell.” Dropping my head into my hands, I let the ramifications of what I’d done catch up to me. “The baby. Paisley…shit.”
I hadn't had a decent night's sleep since Paisley had told me about the baby and I'd realized that I needed to marry her.
What in the hell had I done?
That wasn't me. I wasn't the kind of guy who ran around on his girlfriend. His fiancée. I may never have been one to have serious relationships, but when I did, I was faithful. I didn't cheat on women when I made them a commitment.
But that was exactly what I had done. I'd slept with Allie.
Worse, even thinking about her was enough to have me ready to do it again. If she’d been lying next to me when I'd reached for her, I would have had her under me and been inside her without a second thought.
It was good that she was gone, and the coward in me wanted to just let it go – let the whole thing just pass.
But…
I couldn’t.
I needed to talk to her. To apologize.
It couldn’t have been more than a minute or two since she’d slid out the front door. Grabbing the wrinkled trousers from the floor, I pulled them on hurried down the hallway. The cold air hit my bare chest the moment I was out the door, and it was enough to remind me that Allie hadn’t worn a coat last night.
Concern overrode everything else. Where'd she gone? I needed to take her back inside where it was warm.
The long drive was empty, but I heard a car. The cold pavement had already numbed my feet, but I didn't even consider going inside to get shoes. Once I caught up with her–
I stopped, spying a black car as it pulled away from the curb.
I wasn’t going to catch up with her.
“Dammit!” I shouted. A couple of birds in the nearby hedge took off, tweeting indignantly at me. Turning on my heel, I stalked back to the house.
Once inside, I slammed the door and put my back against it, sliding down to sit on the floor. Glaring off into the distance, I fisted my hands and called myself a hundred kinds of fool.
I had been a selfish bastard last night, and a stupid dumbass this morning.
What was I going to do?
I had to apologize to Allie – had to find her first.
And Paisley…that was another nightmare altogether.
The last thing I wanted to do was tell her, but at the same time, the idea of not telling her was a weight I didn’t want to carry. Shit like this always worked its way to the surface.
I needed to figure out what to tell Paisley.
I wasn’t all that great at keeping secrets. Paisley was pretty decent at it, but I knew about the “arrangement” she had with her masseuse. She didn’t particularly care about him – I knew that too. But all of that had been before the engagement. We hadn't talked about how things would work now that we were getting married, now that we had a baby on the way, but I'd always assumed I'd be in a monogamous relationship once that happened.
I'd never wanted to be that man. It was one of the reasons I'd always been so careful with the women I slept with, so a child wouldn't be involved. I wouldn't put a kid through all of that shit, no matter what I wanted. I could be a selfish bastard, but I'd never put myself above a child.
At least, I never thought I would.
“I didn’t ask for this,” I muttered, feeling sorry for myself and hating it.
I hadn’t asked to meet Allie or to like her more than I’d liked anybody in a long time. I hadn’t planned on Paisley getting pregnant, had done all I could to prevent it, short of a vasectomy.
Driving my fist into the mellow gleam of the hardwood floors, I swore out loud, listening to my voice as it echoed throughout the empty house.
“You have to deal with this,” I finally said.
Man up and deal.
After a few seconds, I did feel a little…well, not better, but steadier.
I most definitely messed up last night, and in a big way. Ever since I’d met Allie, I’d fucked up one way or another, and it was time to start dealing with consequences.
I had to talk to Paisley, and I had to talk to Allie. I needed to make things right.
Or at least as right as I could, because I couldn't see a way out of this where no one was hurt.
Chapter Eleven
Allie
My pretty Cinderella dress was stuck in the back of my closet. I’d tucked the shoes away too. I'd never wear them again, but I didn't have the heart to give them away. Not yet. Maybe not ever.
Too bad I couldn’t pack away the memories as easily.
I was in the shower now, in an effort to wash them away, but that wasn’t working particularly well.
The pounding, hot spray felt wonderful on aching muscles, and it chased away the chill I hadn’t been able to lose, but it did nothing to ease the guilt or my anger.
I knew I could stand under this spray for twenty years, and it wouldn’t do anything. I could stand here for two hundred years, and it wouldn’t lessen the guilt. Because I was guilty.
The water slid over my breasts, droplets gathering on my belly to slope down and collect in the nest of curls between my thighs. To collect in that place where Jal had done so much for me. One particular memory came back with enough force to almost hurt.
Jal on his knees in front of me as I lay on the couch, spreading me with his thumbs, looking at me as he bent low. I’m going to eat this pretty pussy right up, Allie…say yes, say you want it.
Moaning, I slid my hand down and cupped myself, because that memory alone made me burn.
Last night had been everything I'd been missing. Tao was a good lover
, knew how to bring pleasure to my body. But the passion I’d had last night had shattered everything I thought I knew.
Desperate, I hurried through the rest of my shower, turning the water down to cold so I wouldn’t be tempted to remember more about last night, tempted to try to relive it.
Tears burned my eyes again, but I fought them back and won...again. I had no idea if the tears were from pity or something more, but once I gave in, it was going to be ugly and messy, and I didn’t want to do that now. Maybe tonight.
I wasn’t even sure if I deserved them.
My phone buzzed as I was drying off. For a moment, hope flared bright inside me at the thought of Jal calling me. Except it wasn't Jal. It was Tao, and I almost ignored it. He’d been texting off and on since nine, and I knew he wanted to know about last night. I didn’t want to talk about it, but I knew if I put it off too long, though, he’d just show up.
Want to meet for breakfast?
I put the phone down after I sent the text and wiggled into my panties.
Yes. When?
I needed time to dry my hair so I asked for an hour and named our favorite meeting place. He shot me back a smiley face, then I set about dealing with the nightmare that had become my hair.
I wasn’t going to think about Jal for a few minutes.
I really, really, really wasn’t.
But I hadn’t even managed to work the cream condition through my hair before he popped into my thoughts again.
This was going to be a fucking long day.
I had no sooner sat down when Tao leaned forward, pinning me with a dark look. “You tramp. You slept with him, didn’t you?”
Blood rushed to my cheeks. If I could have sunk into the cracked vinyl of the booth, I would have. “You asshole. Why don’t you say it a little louder? People in Maine might hear it next time.”
Tao waved a hand around the mostly empty diner. “Hello…it’s Saturday and the place is dead. Now answer me.”
The server appeared and offered coffee, which I gratefully accepted. After I had a few sips, I decided I could handle this without killing my best friend.
