by M. S. Parker
“I don't understand,” he said as he closed the distance between us to less than an inch. He reached out and I flinched. A puzzled expression crossed his face. “I thought we had a good time together.”
I nodded, desperately hoping he'd understand that I needed him to move because I was holding on by a thread. My breath was starting to come in gasps and I couldn't get enough oxygen.
“Jenna, what's wrong?” Concern replaced confusion and he leaned toward me.
I squeezed my eyes shut, but it didn't stop the flashes from coming. Other faces, other hands reaching for me. I whimpered as his hand touched my arm and I hated myself for the sound, but I couldn't help it. I had reached the point where I could tell when I was in the midst of a panic attack, but I still wasn't able to break myself from their grip. The best I could do was try to keep myself from lashing out.
My hands tightened into fists, my nails digging into my palms. I tried to focus on the pain, but then Rylan put his hand on my other arm and I sagged against the wall. My head shook from side to side as I fought to take deeper breaths. Spots danced behind my closed eyes and I knew I was only seconds from passing out. It didn't happen often, but it had happened in the past.
Dimly, as if from a distance, I heard Rylan calling my name, but I barely noticed it. The darkness I tried so hard to keep at bay was coming for me and there was nothing I could do about it. Logically, I knew I was hyperventilating and I needed to calm down, but there was no logic when it came to panic.
Still, I kept trying to fight it until the world faded away.
Chapter Twelve
I didn't know how it was for most people, but for me, waking up after being unconscious was different than waking up normally. I didn't dream or have nightmares when I was unconscious. It wasn't like sleeping where sometimes there were dreams and sometimes there weren't. I'd passed out more times than I cared to think about or count and I'd never had a single dream or nightmare.
I'd woken up to nightmares, but that wasn't anything I wanted to think about again. Ever.
Like most people, I sometimes woke up from sleep with a start, sometimes with a jolt. If I was having a nightmare, there were times I'd bolt upright in bed, going from asleep to awake almost too fast for my body and mind to process. Other times, I'd be stuck in the darkness, trying to claw my way to reality. When it came to waking up from being unconscious, it only went one way for me.
One moment, I'd be in the cold dark, no matter how warm or light the place was where I'd passed out. The next, the panic or emotion that had shut me down came rushing back, flooding my system with enough chemicals to force me into a fight or flight response before I knew what was happening. Basically, I always came to fighting.
This time wasn't any different.
Panic clawed at my throat and I struck out with feet and hands, trying to make contact with whatever had triggered a panic attack bad enough to make me pass out. The only thing I knew for certain was that I wasn't in any physical pain. That’s how I figured I hadn't been assaulted. Or, at least, I hadn't been assaulted in a way that had knocked me out. While I'd been unconscious, that could have been a different story.
My hands hit something solid, sending pain through my knuckles even as I opened my eyes.
I'd hit a wall.
A wall I didn't recognize.
I looked around, thrashing against whatever was holding me down. I couldn't get my arms or legs free. I was trapped and the panic from before spiraled again.
What had happened? Where was I?
“Jenna, it's okay.”
A man's voice cut through the chaos in my head and my terror escalated. My head was turning from side to side, but I couldn't see anything. My eyes were open and it was light, but the shapes and colors were foreign. Nothing registered.
Then I saw a shadow move and let out a half-cry, half-whimper as I struggled to get away. He was big and coming toward me and...
“Jenna!”
Arms wrapped around me, pinning me against a solid chest. I gasped, feeling myself heading toward hyperventilating again.
“Please. Please. Please.” I heard a small voice whispering, and then realized it was me.
“Shh, it's okay.”
A deep, familiar voice repeated the words even as I struggled and fought against him. I twisted and squirmed, my teeth clenched so tightly my jaw ached, but he still held me, shushing me; hushing me. He wasn’t groping me or forcing me down, but restraining me from lashing out.
“It's okay, Jenna.”
I focused on a spot on the wall and willed my breathing to calm, willed my mind to begin processing again. Slowly, so very slowly, both things began to happen.
Taupe.
That was the first thing my brain registered. The walls were taupe. Other details began to come together to paint a picture of my surroundings.
I was sitting on a couch and the thing that I'd thought had tied my hands and feet was actually an afghan that had been covering me up. I didn't recognize the colors of the room, the feel of the couch or afghan, but there were two things I realized I did know. The voice and the smell of the man whose arms were around me, holding me so very close.
“Rylan?”
I hadn't realized how tense he was until he relaxed when I said his name. His grip on me loosened and I pulled back. He must've sensed that I no longer was fighting him because, this time, he let me go.
I looked up, my eyes automatically seeking out his despite the fear welling inside me. It wasn't fear carrying over from the past this time. It was fear of what I would see in his eyes. Would it be pity? Disgust? Would he think I was weak or crazy?
Over the years, only a handful of people had ever seen me like this and all but one had been a professional who'd known the reasons behind the episodes. The only other person had been a guy I'd gone to bed with when I was about nineteen. He had been the third or fourth person I'd slept with and he'd tried to cuddle with me afterwards. I hadn't passed out, but I'd freaked out badly enough that he'd run out of his room, stark naked, and yelled for security. I'd managed to get out before anyone had come to haul me away, but I'd been more careful after that, making sure my partners knew the guidelines of what was acceptable.
Rylan's fingers brushed my cheek as he tucked hair behind my ear and the touch pulled me from the past. I studied his face, not daring to believe what I saw there. Concern. Worry. Compassion. Something warmer I didn't want to explore any further, definitely not here. Not like this.
“I'm going to give you some space now.” His voice was calm, gentle. He was being cautious, but not condescending.
The knot in my chest eased.
He let me go completely now and moved from where he'd been half-kneeling next to the couch, to sit in an armchair. Now I got a better look around me. I was in a living room and a look out the nearby French doors said I wasn't in the city and I wasn't in an apartment building. I also had a feeling this was only one of many rooms.
“Where am I?” I asked the question as I pushed myself up into a more dignified sitting position. I was pretty sure I knew the answer, but I needed to center myself.
“My house.” He didn't offer an explanation or an apology.
I raised an eyebrow and folded my arms, trying to suppress a shiver. I didn't succeed. For a moment, I thought he would come over to me again, but he didn't. He gestured toward the afghan still lying on my lap. I pulled it around my shoulders, finding it comforting and warm now.
“Why didn't you take me to a hospital?”
He hadn't offered an explanation, but I wanted one. Something about him told me I could trust him, but past experience told me to suspect dark motives from everyone. No exceptions.
“My friend Curt used to have anxiety attacks,” he said. “One of the reasons why he decided to cash in after his car accident. He figured what better way to avoid anxiety than retiring in the Bahamas.”
“So you knew what was happening?”
“I strongly suspected. I just didn't
know why or how to talk you down,” he said. “When you passed out, I knew your breathing and pulse would go back to normal. I figured it'd be better for you if you woke up someplace safe with someone you knew rather than in a hospital, surrounded by complete strangers.”
That made sense, I supposed.
“Are you okay now?” he asked.
I nodded automatically, so used to saying it that I didn't even stop to consider if it was true.
“Are you claustrophobic?”
Something about the way he said the question told me he didn't actually think that was the problem.
I shook my head, looking away from him. There was a fire going in the nearby fireplace. I stared at the flames, willing the sight of them to heat the part of me that couldn't be reached by the blanket around my shoulders. I didn't want to think about what had triggered the panic attack. I could still feel the darkness there, fluttering at the edge of my mind. On a good day, it took me a couple hours to shake off a mild attack, but this had been anything but mild.
Movement caught my attention and I turned back to see Rylan moving to kneel in front of me. He put his hands on either side of mine, but didn't grip onto them. “Jenna, you know you can trust me, right? Whatever it is, it's okay.”
Near-hysterical laughter bubbled up inside me. “Okay? It's pretty fucking far from okay.” I pulled my hands out of his and pressed them against my mouth to keep myself from continuing to laugh. All it did was muffle the sound while I fought it down.
After a panic attack, my emotions were always very close to the surface and so much harder to control. All of the exercises my therapist had taught me were harder to access and took longer to take effect. I started to count slowly, trying to pace my breathing with the numbers.
I ducked my head so I didn't have to see Rylan's face.
“Jenna.” His voice was soft as he put a finger under my chin. “Look at me.”
He raised my head and I didn't have the strength to stop him. I was suddenly exhausted.
“You're safe with me. Whatever you're scared of, you don't have to be, not here. Not with me.” His thumb brushed across the side of my mouth and tears welled up in my eyes. “Tell me what you need me to do.”
What I needed him to do? It was the first time I'd ever had anyone ask me that. People had told me what I needed to do for them, what I needed to do for myself, but never asked me what I needed from them. Certainly never in a kind, concerned tone, one that lacked any sort of patronizing aspect to it.
That simple statement broke the last of my control and the tears spilled over. I tried to turn away, but he gripped my chin. Not hard enough to hurt, but firm enough to know that he didn't want me to look away.
“What can I do?” he asked.
“Nothing,” I said and dropped my gaze. He could keep my face where it was, but he couldn't make me look at him. “No one can do anything. I'm broken. Have been for a long time. I’m just holding the pieces together for as long as I can. That's all I can do.”
“Bullshit.”
He didn't say it angrily or with any force, but it still made me look at him, startled out of my tears.
“This isn't some child's nursery rhyme where no one can put you back together again.” He released my chin and smoothed down my hair, letting his fingers brush across my cheek.
“You don't know.” I shook my head and wiped at my cheeks. My shoulders slumped. “You don't know what was done to me.” The weight of the years bore down on me, the memories threatened to come forward. I took a shuddering breath.
He wasn't some random stranger I'd hooked up with who would run screaming. He wasn't someone who I'd never see again, a person I could let write me off as an unstable nutcase. He deserved to know, at least enough to explain to him why his newest employee went off the deep end in the elevator.
I'd never told anyone who wasn't a court-appointed shrink, and it had taken me a long time to trust them enough to tell it. Starting was always the hardest part. With Rylan, I decided to keep it simple.
“I was abused as a child.” The sentence came out flat, like it was someone else saying it. I'd always wished that could've been the case with the memories. They never felt like they'd happened to someone else. It was always me, right there. My hand went to the left side of my stomach, the same place it always went when I thought about back then.
Rylan's eyes flicked down to my hand, but I looked away before I could see the realization in his eyes. He'd seen me naked. Only the scars on my back had been covered by the angel wings tattooed across my shoulder-blades. The others had been visible, but he hadn't asked about them back then.
“I figured that was the case.”
Again, he surprised me enough to look at him when I hadn't planned to. There was anger in his eyes, something I hadn't seen since Lily had died, and the heat from it warmed me more than the fire or the afghan. The people who were horrified or sickened by what had been done to me were better than the ones who didn't understand why it was wrong or the ones who thought it was my fault. But it was the ones who were mad that I was grateful for.
I forced myself to continue. “I don't even know how old I was when it started, only that my earliest memories are ones of pain.”
“Jenna,” he interrupted. “You don't have to tell me the details.” He took my hand, wrapping his fingers around mine. “Not unless you decide to. I don't need to know.”
I sighed in relief. Even if I ever did manage to someday wanting a relationship with someone, this was why it would never happen. I could never tell anyone everything that had happened, and I could never ask a man to be with me without knowing. Just telling Rylan that little bit had been more than I'd ever told anyone not bound by patient-client privilege.
“Come with me.” He stood and held out his hand.
I blinked. All of the chemicals that had been keeping me going were slowly ebbing away and the exhaustion I'd felt before was seeping into my bones.
“I'm not letting you go home like this.” His voice was firm. “I have plenty of rooms here.” He paused, and then added, “You can even lock the door behind me if you want.”
I took his hand, surprising myself when I didn't let go as soon as he helped me stand. There was something comforting about his hand on mine, something I didn't have the energy to try to analyze right now. Instead, I was just going to accept it and follow him through what I now realized was an insanely huge house.
“Would you be more comfortable in a room near mine or far away from mine?” he asked as we stepped into a massive kitchen. Stone walls, marble floors and state-of-the-art appliances.
“Close.” I was getting too tired to be surprised by how differently I responded to Rylan. If I had been in any other man's house, I would've been heading for the door, insisting on a cab. Even if, through some strange occurrence, a man had been able to convince me to stay, I would've taken the room the furthest away from him and done as he said and locked the door behind me. Now, all I could think was that I needed him nearby. I felt safer with him than I had with anyone since Lily. The only person since Lily.
Tired as I was, I still managed to gawk as I followed him up a winding staircase that led to the second floor. I wanted to ask if he lived here by himself, ask why he'd buy such a big house if it was only just him. I didn't though. I told myself it was because I was having a hard enough time not tripping on the steps, but I knew it was really because expressing interest about the details of his life would make me admit to myself that I cared more about him than I should have.
We turned left and walked halfway down the hallway before he stopped and opened the door on the left.
“Here.” He stepped out of the way so I could enter. “Light's on the left.”
I felt along the wall and turned on the light. The room was tastefully decorated with furnishings that were obviously top quality but not ornate. A large bed sat in the middle of the room and a door on the other side was open. The colors were warm and inviting, a perfectly designed gues
t room.
“That's your own bathroom.” He motioned to the door across the hall. “And there's my room. There's no direct access between the two rooms, but if you need me, I'm right here.”
I took a step and a wave of dizziness washed over me. I reached out and caught the doorframe, fighting to keep my eyes open. I'd already worked a long day and the clock glowing from inside the bedroom said it was past one in the morning. Add that to the emotional upheaval and the physical toll and I was surprised I'd actually managed to make it this far. I looked at the bed. It was only a few feet away, but I wasn't sure I could take another step.
“I've got you.” Rylan's voice was right behind me. “If you permit me.”
I knew what he was asking and I nodded my answer, wondering if he understood how big a step it was for me. Then he pick me up in his arms and carried me into the room. He held me securely, but not so tightly that I felt like he was restraining me. He set me on the bed and immediately took a step back, giving me room to breathe.
“Do you want something else to wear?” he asked. “I can get something out of the dresser and give it to you. I always keep a couple extra pairs of pajama pants and t-shirts in the guest rooms.”
I wiggled my toes, realizing for the first time that, at some point, Rylan had taken off my shoes. I looked up at him and nodded. I wanted the familiarity of my own pajamas, but at least what he had would be more comfortable than the skinny jeans and fitted sweater I'd worn to work today.
He went to the dresser, rummaged for a moment and then came back with a pair of flannel pants and a plain gray t-shirt.
“I'll be across the hall if you need me,” he said. “It's a simple turn lock and there is a key, but it's downstairs. I'll get it for you if you want it though.” He stepped out into the hallway and reached behind him to close the door.
“Wait,” I said.
He stopped, but didn't turn to look at me.
“Will you stay?” I asked. “And sit with me for a while?”
