At that moment, I realized how many times throughout my life I’d heard my grandma preach this same sermon. All she ever cared about was me being successful and marrying someone else successful. Because Johnny’s mom was an eye doctor, and his dad was the boys’ gym teacher and my basketball coach, he fit the bill. My grams was so disappointed in me when I told her I’d broken up with him.
“I’m probably not going to marry Johnny, Grams. I think I’ll explore my options more deeply this time around.”
“Time around what? I know what I’m talking about, Jessie. Go to college, get a stable job you can retire from, and find a man who wants things. Trust me, you don’t want to outlive your money.”
Blankly, I stared at the yellow wall phone, letting her words sink in, realizing how much they had impacted my life. Even after she’d passed, I did things I knew would please my grams. Hearing the familiar horn blow and the revving engine, the whole adrenaline thing started all over.
Jesus. I was about to go to high school. Letting out a breath I hadn’t realized I was holding, I took the cigarette right out of my gram’s hand. “I have advice, too. You gotta stop smoking these things. They’re going to kill you sooner than later, and I don’t want to watch that again. Trust me. Oxygen tanks don’t look good on you. Please stop smoking. I’ll see you later,” I said, kissing her on the cheek.
My grams stared after me like I’d just slapped her across the face, but I kept going. Again, I stopped at the door and smiled. Just like she’d done my entire life, my grams had my things at the door. The Trapper Keeper my mom had bought for me and my new gym bag for practice. I picked up the trifold keeper and laughed. My room was one giant disaster, but my Trapper Keeper was always neat and tidy. I loved my Trapper Keeper so, so much. This years had a horse on it. My mom brought it to me all the way from New York City just so no one else would have the same one as me. I’m sure the horse didn’t remind me of mineand Royal’s adventure to see the ghosts’ horses back then, but it was exactly what I thought about when I looked at it now. Was that a sign? Something I should have paid attention to the first time?
Thinking about the simple little pleasure I hadn’t realized I’d missed, I stepped out to the old wooden porch with even more memories. Royal and I had spit enough watermelon seeds from that porch to grow an acre of melons. We dug roads into the dirt below the porch for all his matchbox cars when it was hot or raining out. We even slept on theporch in our sleeping bags during the muggy months of July and August.
Johnny blew his horn again, and I jumped all five steps just because I could. I couldn’t get over how much energy I had, and I couldn’t wait to get back on the court. Opening the door to Johnny’s Camaro, I lifted the seat and tossed my things in the back.
“Oh, my God,” I exclaimed, my fingers brushing across the black dashboard like we were getting reacquainted. “I totally forgot all about this car.”
“What?”
Telling myself to stop talking out loud, I saw Johnny. Really saw him. “Nothing. Hey, Johnny.”
“Sorry about last night. I made this tape for you.”
With a huge goofy smile, I took the cassette tape and turned my head, dodging a kiss to my lips, catching it on my cheek instead. “Thanks.”
“You’re still mad.”
I honestly didn’t know what I was supposed to be mad about and searching my mind for a fight we’d had the day before school started, I came up with nothing. “No, I’m not mad.”
“Good, cause we’re fucking seniors today! Play the tape.”
Blowing out a short puff of air, I tried to keep it together, and then I smiled the biggest smile ever. Not because I was so in love with Johnny for making this tape for me either. It was the cheesiest thing in the world. Kool & The Gang sang soft words throughout the entire car. All nine speakers, including the three giant ones in the back window. Cherish (the love we have) echoed with a loud vibration, and I turned it down.
“I’ll listen later. Thanks again.”
Johnny smiled and took my hand. “You’re welcome.”
It was all I could do not to laugh out loud, and I didn’t even know why. Mostly, for how silly it felt now. While Johnny drove us over the mountain into town, I stared out the window, paying special attention to the long lane going back to Royal’s house just off the road. Had this been real life, I would have known he wouldn’t be at school today. Royal didn’t move back until a couple weeks into school, but I still didn’t know why. I told myself I would find out this time around, and I wouldn’t judge him for getting in trouble for anything. Not even drugs. As a forty-sevenyearold, seventeen-yearold who’d just raised two teenagers, I wasn’t judging anyone. Taylor’s battle with a drug she’d only planned to try once was enough to teach anyone that lesson. Thank God, we made it through that one.
Listening to the sad love songs so thoughtfully recorded for me, I wondered if that was why I had to experience something like that for myself. Because I had judged Royal on the grounds of what other people said about him. Even back then he didn’t look like he was on drugs, and honestly, I didn’t believe it any more now than I did back then. Of course, that wasn’t the only story. There were lots of other rumors too, but it didn’t concern me, so I didn’t give it much thought. What I did think about was what it all meant. Did my involvement of judging Royal setup my future for my own experience with Taylor?
“What does that even mean?”
“What does what mean?” Johnny questioned, turning the volume down on Bon Jovi.
“Huh? Oh, nothing. I was just thinking out loud.”
My first day of high school started exactly the way it had the first time around. Except for the makeup and the hair part. Wendy almosthad a conniption fit because I hadn’t applied my normal face after she’d spent all that time teaching me how to blend my eyeshadow. While we all stood around in a big circle, I let Jan tease my hair, and Wendy do my face, staring around the place like I’d never seen it before. Not in thirty years, anyway.
That thought caused a panic to rise in my gut. There was no way I would remember my way around, and I had no flipping idea what my schedule was. How was i going to pull that one off? I asked myself,and from out of nowhere, that thing Roxy called synchronicity happened. Serendipity, I think she called it.
Jan grabbed my backpack from Johnny’s car and commenced to snooping. “Let me see your schedule. Leigh said Mark had third period study hall with you. Do you have Schaffer or Miller?”
I glanced at her with a blank stare. How the hell was I supposed to remember that? Without saying a word, I stood there, hoping she’d just look herself.
Thankfully, she did. “Oh, you have Schaffer too. You have to tell me if you see him talking to Jenna Boyce.”
“Yeah, okay.”
Even though I felt like a fish out of water, I thought I’d done a pretty good job keeping my cool. I observed their actions and listened to them all talk about the things I’d missed so much. Things that didn’t even matter. Like the new Friday the13th movie we apparently all went to the movies to see just thispast Saturday night. I remembered that because I spent most of thenight pretending to go to the bathroom, and I think it took me a week before I could sleep again. I smiled inside, remembering how much I hated that movie, yet I let Jason take my virginity.
One second everything was fine, and the next, I was not. I wasn’t expecting my emotions to go haywire when I saw Leigh walking toward us. I’d never even thought about seeing her again. I couldn’t even swallow, and I knew I was about to cause the mascara Wendy had spent so much time on run down my face. Sidestepping Wendy, I walked up to Leigh,wrapped my arms around her, and hugged her so hard.
“Leigh. Oh, my God. Leigh. It’s really you. Don’t you ever think about driving drunk. Do you understand me?”
“What the hell, Jess?”
I let her go and held her shoulders with straight arms, forcing her to look at me. “I had a dream. We were all out at the flats on my road and you and Johnny w
ere drag racing. I tried to talk you out of it because you were so drunk, but you wouldn’t listen. You hit a stump and it catapulted your car into a tree.”
“Not my Nova,” she joked.
“I’m serious, Leigh. Promise me.”
“Only if you do my English.”
I smiled, remembering her saying that the first time in the parking lot. I hugged her then too, but not because I knew how short her life would be. That time it was for simple things in life. Cherry lip gloss. Not only did I remember that, I also remembered her specifically taking English with me, so she could copy all my homework. Leigh hated English. Actually, I think she hated school - period. Except Art. Leigh liked to draw, but she was the only one of all our clique whoeven took that class.
As my memory reflected on that time, I realized I’d never seen any of her work. She was very modest about it and never really discussed it with us. The bell ringing and Johnny’s arm over my shoulder reminded me I still had to go to class. While we walked up the steps to our first day as seniors, I glanced over my schedule with my heart thumping hard behind my chest. I remembered having Mr. Dibias for History, but I had no recollection of where his class was. Not even one.
Following my friends to our lockers, we all congregated at the end of the hall on the second floor. While on our way, I passed my Mr. Dibias’s History class. My home room. I also lucked out and found my Typing III class and Ms. Prudinik’s Home Economics class. The reason I made the best homemade brownies in the universe. Every time I thought I was about to fall flat on my face, I didn’t, and it all worked out.
And then I couldn’t remember what my locker combination was. Rather than admit it though, I pretended like I didn’t need it,not until I went around collecting books from my classes anyway. I’d just mosey into the office and get it from there, and save myself the weirdness I knewwe’d all feel. That was the plan.
Johnny backed me into my locker while everyone scrambled to their lockers,then to class. “You promise you’re not still mad? You’re really quiet.”
“I’m not mad,” I said, wishing I knew what I wasn’t mad about. It would have made things a whole lot easier on my part.
“Okay, I’ll see you at lunch.”
I couldn’t help but kiss him that time. He forced his tongue in my mouth and moved his head around like we weren’t standing right there in the middle of the hall. Of course, I couldn’t say that out loud, and I did remember that part. We’d always made out like that in the halls. Everyone did.
Luckily Ms. Laws was there to save me. She hit the lockers with her fist twice, sending us on our way. “Knock it off, you two. Get to class.”
With one more quick peck, Johnny backed away. “I’ll see you later.”
Everything about that was forced. It was hard living a life you already lived once. Especially when you knew now what you didn’t know then. I smiled up at him and spun away, “Okay, see you at lunch,” I stated like I knew what i was doing. I didn’t. I had no freaking idea what I was doing. I watched Johnny strut away like he owned the building, then Iturned around. “Blah,” I said aloud, wiping his saliva from my mouth with the inside of my shirt. That’s when I remembered how much I hated the way Johnny kissed. One wish. One wish, and I wasted it to come back here.
“What the hell was I thinking?”
“About your hair or makeup? Come on, we’re going to be late.”
My morning would have gone much better had I known I had every class with at least one of my friends. Except for a creative writing class, I’d forgotten about taking for an easy elective. I’d also forgotten everything I’d learned from school. I wasn’t as smart as I was the first time around. I’d forgotten all of it. Even the class I was most looking forward to was hard. I’d been in front of the computer for the past twenty years, and I couldn’t type. The keys were bulky, they were too spaced out, and there wereno enter buttons. My page consisted of mostly White Out with smudged letters.
Despite all my dilemmas, I made it to lunch where I once again quietly observed the others. I also made time to enjoy the things from my past that I knew I would miss in my future. We all walked in a crowd to the little store at the end of the road like we had a million times. Town Hill pepperoni rolls. A buck each. I ordered two of them and a can of Pepsi. Even though I didn’t talk, I laughed. A lot. Mostly at Leigh. I swear that girl could have been a comedian. Maybe she would this time, I thought. She would if I had anything to do with it. There was no way I’d let her get behind the wheel of that car a second time.
By the end of the day, my brain was mush, and I was afraid I was going to have to work harder for it this time. Basketball practice was the bomb though. Like riding a bike. Leigh and I worked the court like the Harlem Globetrotters. We were good, and I had so much energy. I wasn’t even ready to quit whenthe coach called time.
I walked out of school better than I had walked in that morning. Most of it was rough, but I did okay. “Hey, Leigh. Can you give me a lift home?”
“Sure, aren’t you going to wait for Johnny to get done with practice?”
“Nah, I’ve got a lot of homework. I don’t retain things like I used to.”
“What the hell does that mean? You two fighting or something?”
“No. Not really. I think I’d rather go home and hang out with my grams.”
“David told Jan you guys had a fight because you wouldn’t put out. I thought you said you were going to get it over with before school started.”
“That’s why we were fighting,” I exclaimed when the memory hit me. Of course. Only it wasn’t quite like that. It was more about the way he begged me. Like legit,for a good hour. We were on the flats by my house,parkedoff by a big boulder with the lights off, listening to Casey’s Coast to Coast, and he wouldn’t stop.
“Why do you say it like you didn’t know? Is there more?”
“Not really. He just begged me to do anything but kiss. Seriously, for at least ten minutes he sat in the car with his pants down, begging me to give him a handjob,” I explained to Leigh as I recalled it myself.
“What’s the big deal? Why didn’t you?”
Hesitating, I thought about why. We even broke up a couple days after that, but it was short lived. Johnny came crawling back, promising he would never pressure me aboutsex again. That lasted a couple months. “We’ve only been officially dating for three weeks.”
“Please don’t tell me you’re waiting for the one.”
“Maybe.”
Leigh was such a good friend, and even if I woke up from this dream tomorrow, I was happy I got to spend this time with her. “See you later, gator.”
“Bye, Leigh,” I said with another awkward hug. “I’m so glad we’re friends.”
“Totally, yeah. Me, too. Goodbye, now, you weirdo.”
I laughed and got out of the car. Taking in a deep breath of mountain air, I appreciated my surroundings. All of it. Even the old barn Royal and I spent countless hours in. Walking up the porch steps, I carried my books and took in the scent of my gram’s homemade cooking. That was one thing I would never take for granted again. You don’t know how hard that job is until you’ve done it most of your life. I was going to appreciate the hell out of my cooked meals from my grams. I did, too.
She made us breakfast for supper. I loved when she did that. Pancakes and a big old plate of gravy biscuits topped with scrambled eggs. While I watched Richard Dawson kiss all the women on Family Feud, and tried to do my homework, my grams hummed from the next room.
We ate our meals in front of the television the way we had many times before. Only this time, I savored every single second of it. With two old metal tv trays, my grams and I watched Alf and then the Monday night movie. I don’t think I ever stopped smiling. I smiled at the old floor model television we had to get up and turn by hand. I smiled at the old Clint Eastwood movie, and I smiled at my grams the most.
Until she smoked. Every time she lit one up, I’d either complain until she put it out or take it r
ight out of her hand.
“Jessie Fenton, if you don’t stop that I’m gonna bend you over my knee. What’s gotten into you?”
“You have to stop smoking, Grams. It’s killing you, and I’m not going to watch it this time.”
“Watch what? I’m really starting to worry about you.”
“Don’t worry about me. Just stop smoking. Please, Grams. For me. I want you to live past fifty-seven.”
“Me, too. That’s only five years away.”
“I know,but trust me. If you don’t give these things up, you’re not going to see sixty.”
“I’m not going to stop smoking cigarettes at my age, Jessie. Now stop with all that. I’m set in my ways. I’ve been smoking since I was a fourteen year old girl.”
“Okay, fine. Then, I’m smoking too.”
“Oh, no. No you’re not, young lady. They’re awful. They control your whole life, and it ain’t easy to give them up. I catch you with a cigarette between your lips, I’ll make you eat a whole pack.”
“Then, you’re not smoking either. I’m not going to let you.”
My lecture was over when the phone rang. Remembering the hours I’d spent with the cord stretched halfway down the basement steps, I ran to the phone. “Hello.”
“What the hell? Why’d you leave?”
“I dunno. I didn’t want to wait around while you practiced. I had homework.”
“You’re still mad.”
“I’m not mad. I just wanted to gohome with my grams.”
“Do you want to do this or not?”
“You know, maybe I don’t. Let’s just be friends.”
“Come on, Jess. I’m sorry. I don’t know what got into me. Don’t break up with me. Give me another chance. Please. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t know, Johnny. None of this is going to matter in thirty years.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“Nothing. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Sleep on it, okay, Jess? I love you.”
I snorted because it was funny. We had no idea what that word even meant back then, yet we said it every single time we parted ways. “Night, Johnny.”
Once Upon Another Time Page 9
