by Shea Balik
“I’m not brave,” Kylo whispered, refusing to allow his mate to believe something that wasn’t true. “It’s not like I have a choice.”
“There is always a choice, my mate,” Yosi told him.
Kylo didn’t see how. “I was burned. Knocked on my ass and probably would have died if Greyson hadn’t of pulled me out of that house. What else can I do but survive each day?”
There was a sadness in Yosi’s eyes that told Kylo all he needed without his mate having to spell it out for him.
Death.
“I thought about it,” Kylo admitted, hating the sorrow it brought Yosi. But after watching Greyson find his mate, and then Elton find his mate, Kylo knew just how important Yosi was to him. Hell, he felt it deep in his soul. No matter what, Kylo refused to be anything but honest with the man who was his other half. “But I always thought, what if tomorrow was the day that things got better? I’d have missed my chance at a normal life.”
His gaze latched onto Yosi’s once again. “I would have missed meeting you.” He moved his head slightly as he didn’t have much room while lying face down. “So no,” he said. “There was no other choice.”
Yosi leaned in and pressed the softest lips Kylo ever knew against his. When he pulled back, water blurred his deep blue eyes as tears formed. “That, my mate, is what makes you brave.”
Kylo still didn’t see it that way, but he could also tell there was nothing he would ever be able to say to convince his mate differently. Damn if that didn’t feel nice. A warm, fuzzy feeling that managed to diminish some of the pain, settled inside of him.
“Okay,” Nole said as Kylo heard the snap of the latex gloves being peeled off his hands. “I checked everything, and it doesn’t look like the sudden movement caused any damage.”
Slowly, with his mate giving him support as he moved, Kylo turned himself around until he was sitting on the gurney. Nole, more for Yosi’s sake than Kylo’s, dropped a sheet over his lap for modesty’s sake. Kylo had learned to no longer worry about being naked in front of Nole.
Hell, for the first month Kylo had always pretty much been naked since any material hurt like a bitch against his raw flesh. Still did, but it was at least tolerable now. It had taken some doing but he’d found sweatpants, as well as lounge pants for when it was warm out, that were so damn soft, they hardly caused any friction against his skin.
Although, when he was in his apartment, Kylo never put clothes on. Nor did he give a shit who saw him through the window. He’d found if it was a choice between people seeing him naked or more pain, he really didn’t give a shit about being modest.
Hell, he’d walk around town without a stitch of clothing if he wasn’t afraid of brushing up against something. That hurt far worse than clothes. It was like fire danced along his skin, especially if whatever touched him was scratchy.
“Yeah, well, it felt like I was being ripped in two.” Kylo didn’t much feel like putting a nice spin on the horrendous agony he’d just endured. That it was made worse by Nole’s poking and prodding gave him the perfect outlet for his irritation. “But at least it doesn’t show, right doc?”
Edrick cleared his throat as he glared at Kylo, but not even the imposing alpha could cow Kylo. He’d nearly died. Hell, he should have died. Yet, there he was, still alive, even if he was in tremendous anguish. No way was Kylo going to let anyone, not even the alpha, make him feel bad about what he said.
Although, the sadness he could see in Nole’s eyes had him wondering if he should apologize. Kylo didn’t want to hurt the doctor, especially when it was Nole who had done so much to help him. At the same time, there was a part of Kylo that almost wanted everyone to feel just a smidgen of what he had to endure every damn second of the day.
Then he felt Yosi take his hand and give it a little squeeze. His mate. It was still a bit surreal to know he actually had a mate, who was standing right there with him. As he glanced into those deep blue eyes, Kylo half expected to see recrimination for his harsh words, but instead, all he saw was encouragement and support.
It was all Kylo needed for him to realize he couldn’t punish everyone for his problems. “I’m sorry, Nole.”
But Nole held up a hand to stop him. “It’s fine, Kylo. I get it. I imagine I’d be a much bigger asshole than you could ever hope to be if I had to live with the kind of torture you go through every day.”
Ookkkaaayy then. Kylo wasn’t entirely sure how to take that. While it was nice to know others understood he was doing the best he could in a terrible situation, it still made him an asshole.
If this had been yesterday, or hell, a couple of hours ago, he probably wouldn’t have cared. But now that he’d met his mate, Kylo wasn’t so sure he liked what people thought of him.
He still wasn’t about to go back to the way he was before nearly being burned alive, but he also didn’t know if he was content being this person either.
“Hey.” Yosi nuzzled his nose along Kylo’s cheek, offering him much needed comfort. “You’ve been through a lot. You deserve a bit of time to adjust.”
If only it were that. “It’s been six months,” he told his mate with a shake of his head as he carefully went to get off the gurney. He needed to stand on his own two feet. To be independent again. Something he feared he never truly would be.
When he heard Yosi gasp again, Kylo didn’t bother to turn back to his mate for verification of his shock. He damn well knew six months was too long for him to still be this damaged. He’d had hoped those first couple of months that he’d heal, maybe not completely, but enough. Now?
Kylo worked himself to the edge of the gurney. His feet hung over the side as the stupid thing was too tall for his tiny frame. Yosi rushed to help him but Kylo was no longer willing to accept it, not even from his mate.
“No,” he stated firmly, causing Yosi to take a step back. It took him several long minutes, but he got to his feet and stood there buck naked. Nole and Edrick had left at some point, so it was just him and Yosi in the room.
“I’m not going to get better,” he said as he stood there, his wounds and scars on full display. Holding out his arms to his sides, although the right didn’t go up very far as it hurt too much to lift it. “This is who I am now. I will forever be deformed and struggling just to walk.”
When Yosi started to open his mouth to respond, Kylo held out his left hand to stop him. “Every damn second of the day I’m in pain. Not even sleep can totally take it away. Hell,” he laughed harshly. “Even in my dreams it’s there. No matter what I do I can’t get away from it. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let those fuckers who tried to burn me alive win by giving into the agony and giving up. I’m not going to be weak and ask for help. Ever.”
That would have been a much better speech if he’d been able to stride over to where Nole had left his clothes, put them on and storm out. But that’s not what happened. Nor would it probably ever be that way. The clothing may have only been three steps away, but they were three agonizing steps as the excruciating pain from before hadn’t decreased one little bit.
By the time he reached the chair where his clothes were, sweat was dripping down Kylo’s forehead and the back of his neck. He had to close his eyes when he got there because as challenging as it had been, the true difficulty was sitting so he could put his sweatpants on. Bending at the hips was a kind of torture that Kylo tried very hard not to have to deal with too often.
It meant he didn’t move around a lot during the day. For if he was standing, he stayed that way as long as he could take it. If he was sitting, he did the same. He’d even set up his living room with a mini fridge right next to the couch, as well as a bin filled with his favorite snacks.
Cooking was rarely something he did since it required him to not only have to get up, but then sit back down to eat. The only time he did was if he happened to be up anyway. Mostly, he was lying down. Either in bed or on the couch. No position was truly pleasant, but at least that was the one that didn’t stretch the re
pairing flesh too much.
Dressed and humiliating himself with the tears that tended to pop up whenever he struggled to stand, Kylo refused to look at his mate. It was odd to think he’d been happy to be alive for the first time in six months the moment he scented his mate. Yet, now he was once more beginning to wonder if it would have been better for them both if he’d died in that fire.
It wasn’t until his hand was on the doorknob that Yosi spoke. “I get that you’ve endured more than anyone should have to in their life, but know that now that I’ve found you, I will be there for you in whatever capacity you need me. If you need to do things on your own, I can do that, but please understand, as my mate, I will always try to make your life a little bit better. So, when I offer to help, it isn’t because I think you’re weak.”
He heard a soft laugh behind him. “If anything, it’s because I’m too weak to see you suffering in any way.”
The tears that had begun because of his physical pain morphed into emotional tears. He wasn’t ready for this. Any of it. Starting with that day six months ago when his old alpha thought he deserved to die.
Opening the door, Kylo left, praying his mate wouldn’t follow him, because he wouldn’t be able to move faster than Yosi. He wasn’t sure he could move faster than a snail at that point.
It wasn’t until he’d gotten to the back door, choosing to leave that way so no one would see him, and he didn’t hear Yosi behind him that Kylo took a breath. He needed time to figure out his feelings. Now that the euphoria of meeting his mate had worn off some, Kylo wasn’t so sure he should force Yosi to be stuck with him.
Fate really was a cruel bitch.
CHAPTER 5
Yosi’s hand went to his chest half expecting his heart to have been ripped out. Deep down he knew his mate wasn’t rejecting him, but it damn well felt like it.
Six months.
That didn’t seem possible. He could only imagine what Kylo’s injuries had looked like back then. They were still gruesome to see. How had his mate managed to live with that kind of pain every single day, especially when this was better than it had been originally?
Yosi didn’t bother to stop the tears that flowed down his cheeks. His mate was far stronger than he gave himself credit for being. There weren’t too many people on this earth who would have survived, yet Kylo not only did, but he was doing it on his terms.
If only he could get his mate to understand that accepting help didn’t make one weak. Quite the opposite in fact. He should know. Yosi never asked for help and instead of being brave like his mate, he hid out on his island, hardly ever leaving the sanctuary he’d built to go out into the real world.
No. When his life had started to fall apart, Yosi had run away. Oh, he still managed to become the world’s authority on computers and software development, but he’d done it from the safety of his home, with guards protecting him every second of every day.
But that was a problem for another day. Right now, he had a mate to help whether he wanted it or not.
Heading out of the medical suite, he went in search of Nole. From his research, Yosi knew Nole was a really good shifter doctor, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t find someone better if his mate needed it.
“You have to stop blaming yourself, little mouse. You’ve done everything you can.” Yosi followed the sound of Edrick’s voice to the front of the house.
“Edrick’s right.” Yosi didn’t recognize the other voice, but he knew there were several people who lived there. Plus, with this being the alpha’s house, Yosi imagined, like his own home on the island, the residents were free to come and go. “And you know that Kylo doesn’t really blame you. It wasn’t like you set fire to his house while he was sleeping.”
Yosi walked into what ended up being the kitchen to find Nole in Edrick’s lap, Saber and his mate, Chadwick, Jazz with his mate, Wilder, as well as Teddy, all sitting around the table. Nole appeared to be crying as he cuddled against his mate.
He’d come in there ready to demand answers, but seeing how miserable Nole was, he decided he’d need to try a different tack. Not that he wasn’t still going to get those answers, but there was no point in making an already miserable Nole even worse.
“I apologize for intruding, but I was hoping you would tell me exactly what my mate’s prognosis is.” He hadn’t expected Nole’s shoulders to slump even lower or for him to burrow further into his mate’s embrace. That wasn’t a good sign.
Getting another doctor might be the only option if Nole didn’t think he could help Kylo. There was no way Yosi was going to give up trying to heal his mate.
“Honestly?” Nole finally said as he sat up straighter, although he still leaned heavily against Edrick. “I wish I knew. His friend, Elton, who had also been burned in that fire but not nearly as severely, still has scars. Over time, they might finally heal, but…” Nole’s voice trailed off.
“What are you even doing here?” Teddy, who had been scowling the whole time demanded. “Shouldn’t you be with your mate? Kylo’s in a lot of pain and whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs help. As his mate…” Teddy stood and stalked toward Yosi, stabbing a finger against Yosi’s chest. “You should be there doing just that.”
Rage flowed within Yosi at Teddy’s accusation that he wasn’t taking care of his mate. Surging forward, surprising the bigger man, caused him to take a step back before he caught himself. But it was all Yosi needed to prove he wasn’t going to be pushed around.
“I am taking care of my mate,” Yosi bit out. “Not that it’s any of your business but Kylo needs his space right now and I’m going to give it to him.”
“No,” Teddy insisted. He tried to force Yosi to back up, but Yosi had never been one to cower when faced with bigger or more powerful shifters. Okay, yeah, in the end, he’d chosen to go into hiding, but that was mostly because he knew damn well, he wasn’t about to take anyone telling him what he should or shouldn’t do. “He’s not strong enough to walk back to his apartment. As his mate, you should be by his side for him to lean on.”
“First of all, I may have only just met Kylo, but he seems like he’s perfectly capable of deciding if he needs help or not. What he doesn’t need is anyone making those decisions for him like he’s a child.” It was obvious Kylo was just as hurt by those around thinking he couldn’t care for himself as he had been by the fire. “Second of all…” He shook his head. “You know what? There isn’t a second of all, just stay the fuck out of my mating.”
He hadn’t even realized Teddy had his hands curled into fists or that he was on the cusp of throwing a punch until Saber surged to his feet and yanked Teddy back several feet. “We get Kylo is your friend, but Yosi is right. You need to stay out of their mating.”
The power that emanated from Saber as he spoke to Teddy was…well, it had Yosi frozen in place, so he could only imagine what it was like for Teddy. The fact that Teddy was Kylo’s friend reminded Yosi that he would need to try and get along with his mate’s friends.
“Look,” Yosi said, in an effort to placate the orca shifter. “I get that you’re friends with Kylo and you’re worried about him. But from the little we talked, it sounds like he’s feeling smothered. Maybe it’s time you take a step back and really listen to what he wants instead of trying to jump in and save the day.”
“You know nothing about him,” Teddy spat out.
“I know that he is doing everything he can to keep his dignity, which he feels has been stripped away from him.” Maybe know is too strong a word, but it was obvious to anyone who bothered to look. “As hard as it is, I think you need to let him do things on his own, even if it means watching him struggle.”
Teddy looked at him as if he’d grown two heads. “But…”
“Yosi’s right,” Nole said from his mate’s lap. “Kylo’s number one complaint is that he’s not allowed to do things for himself. He hardly ever mentions the pain. He just wants to know when he won’t look so weak that others feel he has to be helped all the
time.”
Chadwick chuckled as he tossed a knife in the air, over, and over again. “The other day I opened the door for him at the diner and he said, ‘I’m not some fucking damsel in distress stuck in a tower. I can get my own damn door.’ That was a direct quote, swearing and all.”
“Swearing?” Yosi asked even as he smiled at the way his mate asserted himself.
“Yeah,” Teddy grumbled, that scowl still on his face. “Kylo never used to swear. Hell, he never said a bad word to anyone. He was sweet, kind, and appreciated it when others helped him. Now…?” Teddy sighed.
“He swears like a sailor,” Chadwick happily provided. “I swear, last week he even made Saber blush.”
“Watch it, kitten,” Saber warned. “Or I’ll give you something to blush about.”
But that only made Chadwick laugh harder. “Is that supposed to be a threat? Because I don’t see the downside.”
As interesting as it was to hear about his mate’s past, Yosi was more concerned with his future. “I’m not worried about him swearing,” he told the others before turning to Nole. “What I’d like to know is, is he going to heal further, or is this the best we can expect?”
“What difference does it make?” Teddy challenged. “You’re his mate. Aren’t you supposed to love him no matter what?”
Yosi actually needed to count to ten or he feared he’d be the one to attack Teddy. How the man could ask such a stupid question was beyond him. “Of course, I love my mate, but in case you missed it, Kylo’s in pain. No. That would be too tame a word. He’s in agony. From what he indicated, it never goes away. So, I’d like to know if my mate is going to have to suffer for the rest of his life or if there’s something we can do about it.”
He was yelling by the time he finished, but he was too fucking pissed to care. No way was he just going to stand by and let his mate endure the hell he was going through without trying to find some way of fixing it, even if that meant going toe to toe with every man in the room.
