No, that was all Jason.
I shook those thoughts from my mind, zipped myself up in my thick jogging jacket considering it was a bit chilly outside, and made sure that my earphones were all set so I could listen to my book or music, depending on what I needed.
Sometimes, I needed loud music so I couldn’t hear my feet hit the ground. It helped to put myself back in my mind so I wasn’t actually thinking about jogging and the fact that I didn’t really appreciate or like it. But, sometimes, I needed a book so I could just be lost in that, and it didn’t matter that I could hear my feet hitting the ground.
I was weird, but I accepted that.
I stretched one more time but not overmuch so I wouldn’t hurt myself, and then started my jog.
I had been part of the cross-country team in high school, though I had been in the middle of the pack—never a ribbon winner, and never at the end. I liked feeling that way, like no one could really see what I was doing and didn’t pay too much attention. That let me just be myself rather than the person other people thought I needed to be.
I slowed my breathing, trying to calm myself as I worked up a sweat even in the frigid air.
Even when I was younger, I’d had responsibilities. I was the daughter of well-to-do parents, and I went to school with lots of well-to-do children. It didn’t matter that it was a public school, it was in a very nice neighborhood where everybody knew each other’s families. Or at least it had felt that way sometimes. I had to be the perfect daughter, the perfect student, and the perfect human. Never a stray hair out of place.
So, being able to hide in the middle of the pack when it came to jogging and cross-country had been helpful. My parents hadn’t pushed me for more because they did so in all other aspects. And though they were loving and caring, they had pushed a little too hard sometimes.
They ended up apologizing to me later for that, and I had taken that with grace. Considering I’d gone through so much else in my life, having parents who only wanted the best for their child didn’t seem like too bad of a thing.
They’d stood by my side when I lost Moyer, and they’d helped me in every way possible. In fact, in some ways, we were closer now than we had been when I was growing up.
We were definitely closer than we had been when I was a married wife in my own home, living my own life. Because, sometimes, when you grow up, you drift away from your parents because you have your own life and they have their own lives, as well. We’d talked weekly at that time, but now, we spoke daily.
If they didn’t hear from me on any given day, they would video call the next morning, worried looks in their eyes. But I just took it all in stride, knowing that I needed that as much as they did. I talked with Violet and Sienna every day, as well. They were my best friends. And when Allison was alive, I had spoken to her just as often.
I rubbed my chest, the ever-present ache making itself known.
It made me sad to realize that I hadn’t seen the pain in Allison’s speeches. I hadn’t noticed it. Maybe I was too focused on my own pain, my loss.
I hadn’t seen that Allison was hurting, as well.
And now she was gone, and there was nothing I could do to take back those moments. To look deeper into what I might have missed.
But I had my family, I had my friends, and I even had the Connolly brothers. Three men—no, four if I included Dillon—that were always in my life now. We had come together after Allison’s funeral, and I was happy that I had more people in my circle. That I wasn’t exactly alone anymore.
I finished my five miles, my legs a little shaky, and my skin far too cold.
I had worn a scarf around the lower half of my face, but it didn’t seem to help.
Everything was just too cold outside. Now, I just wanted some hot coffee, and then I could get back to work.
I went home, showered, and got ready for my day.
I had a few meetings later in the afternoon, and while I could have worked from home and done everything I would have done at the office via phone, sometimes I just needed to change the setting.
But first, I needed coffee. All the coffee.
So, I drove to my favorite shop, one that still served coffee in actual mugs where I could take a seat by the fire and enjoy just ten or fifteen minutes of pure bliss with my caffeine before I had to tackle the rest of my day.
The place was all wooden accents and soft lines and was just perfect for relaxing or getting ready for the start of the day.
During the late afternoon, it would get busier with people doing their homework and other jobs on their computers, but right after the early morning rush, it was the perfect time.
The people who came in for his or her to-go cups were already at their jobs, and I was just a little bit later. I didn’t mind that because it meant my favorite seat by the fire was open.
However, the seat next to mine was full. When my eyes met his, I just laughed.
“Okay, now I think you’re just stalking me,” I told Brendon as I unwrapped my scarf from around my neck.
Brendon got up and gave me a hug, and I leaned into his hold, inhaling his very masculine scent. Brendon always smelled nice—clean with just a little bit of an earthy undertone.
And he gave great hugs.
He’d been very careful with me after Moyer died, as if he were unsure whether he was allowed to even touch me while I was grieving. We had stopped that nervousness soon after when I fell into his arms, just needing a big hug. And Brendon had been giving me his signature hugs ever since we reconnected after the funeral.
“Yes, I’m stalking you. I’m not doing a very good job of hiding that though, am I?” Brendon said, his eyes twinkling.
“Well, this is one of the best places in Denver, so I guess we can’t really complain too much.”
“You want me to get you something?”
I shook my head and set my purse down on the chair. “No, you already have your coffee. Let me just go get mine. As long as you watch my purse?”
“I can do that.”
“Well, thank you.”
I smiled at him again and then went off in search of my caffeine. By the time I got my mug full of my favorite white mocha, I was warm again, and ready to sip slowly.
“That smells amazing,” Brendon said, looking down at his black coffee. “I think I need to do better at this whole flavor thing.”
I grinned. “I don’t do this every day. But I just ran for a very long time in very cold weather, and I deserve this.” I took a sip and let out a moan.
I didn’t realize I’d actually moaned as loudly as I did until I looked up at Brendon, who was now staring at me, his eyes slightly dark. I couldn’t really read the look in them, but I could feel my cheeks reddening.
“Good, is it?”
I nodded, blushing again. “Apparently, a little too good. Sorry about that.”
“Don’t be sorry. Maybe the next time I drink coffee, I’ll get that.”
I imagined Brendon moaning over his coffee and blinked. “White mochas are the best. Unless it’s a caramel latte. Or a caramel macchiato. Or chai. Or just anything. Oh, I love caffeine.”
Brendon smiled. “I don’t think I could do what I do without caffeine.” He looked at his phone and frowned. “In fact, I need to head into the office soon, but I’m getting a late start since I stayed too late there yesterday.”
“I was wondering why you were here after the morning rush. I don’t usually ever see you here.”
Brendon took a sip of his coffee and nodded. “I’m trying not to overwork myself. And that means I get to go in a little bit later today. Plus, I get to leave early since I’m ahead on my accounts, and I’m going to knock on wood as I say that.” He literally knocked on wood just then. “But I’ll probably bring my work into my other job.”
I shook my head before setting my mug down. “I cannot believe you’re doing both. It’s a little insane, Brendon.”
“I know. I’m not working as many hours as I used to, at le
ast at the first job. I’m actually delegating and helping people do what they need to do so they can maybe own their own businesses one day like I do. You know how it is at the job, sometimes you just get a little too lost in it.”
He winced, but I just shook my head. “You don’t have to tiptoe around the fact that I know exactly what goes on at your business. Or the fact that Moyer used to work there, and I know the ins and outs of it. Or at least I knew the ins and outs of it three years ago. It’s probably changed a lot since then. Businesses tend to do that.”
“Sometimes I forget exactly how to speak to you without stepping on my own feet.”
“You’re doing just fine, Brendon. I mean, we’ve had a few months now to get used to this new dynamic of ours. The one where we’re friends in a group rather than Moyer’s friend and Moyer’s wife.”
“That is true, though I knew you before you met Moyer,” he said softly.
“I know. So that means that you can just be yourself around me even more. It’s sort of what we do. Or at least what we should. Anyway, we are the best pool players in the area, so we need to unite against the others.”
Brendon laughed at that, and I shook my head. When the Connollys’ brewery was in trouble just a few months ago, they had opened up a pool league to get new people in. It had worked, but it had taken all of us to get it there. I had partnered with Brendon since we knew each other the best, and somehow, we ended up winning the entire thing. I had given my money back to the brewery rather than taking it for myself, though Brendon had been a little annoyed about that. But considering that he had done the same thing, he couldn’t really say much. I had money, and I didn’t need any more than I had. I just wanted to make sure that the Connolly brothers’ business did well, and that meant giving back to it.
“I cannot believe we actually made up that dance,” Brendon said, laughing.
“It was an amazing dance. Sort of. Sort of like a twenty’s vibe with flossing in it? I don’t really remember. I blocked it out.”
Brendon just shook his head and then started talking about his brothers as I nodded along, laughing every once in a while.
We had taken about ten minutes before the end of the championship round to figure out and plan a victory dance—or at least learn one. It had been silly, a combination of moves that made no sense but made others laugh. Especially because no one would have thought that proper Harmony, and even more proper Brendon would dance like that.
It had been fun just to laugh and feel carefree. Because some days, I didn’t feel that way.
Some days, it felt like I had the world on my shoulders and there was no coming back from that.
But I was getting better, I was healing.
Because I was Harmony, I wasn’t the label.
And with friends like Brendon, it was easier to remember exactly what that meant.
Chapter Four
Brendon
I knew I was dreaming. I always knew. It didn’t make it any easier to live the dream.
It was an oddly warm day, and all I really wanted to do was eat something and then maybe go to bed. Yeah, it was the middle of the workday, and it was only lunchtime, but I was exhausted. I had been working too many hours, and I really just didn’t want to be here right now. I wanted to be at home, away from the office, and not working as many hours as I was.
But the business was doing well, and I was afraid that if I didn’t work as hard as I had when we first started getting it up and running, it would fail. And I couldn’t let that happen.
“You look like you need a drink, and we’re not really at drinking time, are we?” Moyer said, coming into my office with a grin on his face.
“Oh, shut up. Afternoon beers are a thing. Or martini lunches. Right?”
“Well, I guess we can make that happen. We’re meeting Harmony soon, right?” Moyer looked down at his phone, frowning. “I don’t want to make her wait for us.”
I stood up quickly, closing the blinds in my office, considering the sun kept beating down on me. No wonder it felt like an obscenely warm day.
“No problem. Let’s head out. Although me being the third wheel at your lunch date with your wife doesn’t really sound like too much fun for me.”
Moyer just rolled his eyes and wrapped his arm around my shoulders, giving me a tight squeeze. Moyer was good like that, affectionate but not too much, just enough to make sure you knew you were wanted, that there was someone always in your corner.
“You’re never a third wheel. Plus, I’m sure Harmony has friends who you could hook up with. Well, not hook up, because I don’t want to have to deal with that drama if you dump them. But you remember Violet, Sienna, and Allison, right?”
I nodded, making sure I had my wallet and phone in my pockets as we walked out of the building. “Yes, we all know each other from school. I don’t really hang out with them anymore. After all, my brothers used to date two of them. Kind of awkward.”
There were other things I didn’t say, but Moyer knew them. Moyer knew a lot, considering I didn’t really talk with my family anymore other than my parents and sometimes Aiden every once in a while. Cameron was long gone, and it sucked, but there was nothing I could do.
“Well, I’m sure she has other friends. We can find you someone.”
I rolled my eyes. “Please do not hook me up with anyone. I’m just fine on my own. In fact, I had a really nice date last week.”
“Yeah, and did you actually talk with her afterwards?”
“No, because she spent the entire time talking about her ex and how much she still loved him and how this whole thing was so hard on her. I counseled her into maybe talking with him again if the only reason they broke up was because they thought they loved each other too much.”
Moyer started laughing, and I shook my head, closing my eyes.
“You see? Do you see what I have to deal with? By the way, she texted me yesterday to let me know that they’re back together, and she wanted to make sure that I knew that their first child would be named after me. Those are the kind of dates I go on, apparently.”
Moyer kept laughing, and I frowned. “Okay, maybe I do need to get better at dating. But not all of us are as lucky as you.”
Moyer grinned at me, his eyes full of happiness that I knew wasn’t faked at all. “My wife? Best woman on the fucking planet. I’m one lucky man, and I know it every single day. Yeah, I know I got lucky, but there are other women out there. We can find you one. One that isn’t in love with her ex. One that doesn’t have such poor hygiene that she actually leaves a trail behind her.”
I shuddered. “Okay, there was that one woman that had like food in her teeth all the time. She told me she had sworn off brushing because the man and technology wanted her to do so.” I shuddered. “Ugh, I’m so glad I never kissed her.”
“Well, if you had, I’m sure you’d still be able to taste that to this day.”
I swallowed hard, trying not to throw up. “Okay, now I’m not hungry anymore. Maybe you should just go with Harmony, and I’ll go find a hole to crawl into.”
“No, you’re coming with me, and you’re going to have a really good lunch with my wife. Because she’s amazing, and you guys are actually friends. You’ve been friends with her longer than you’ve been friends with me. So, the three of us are going to have a damn good meal, and then we’re going to go back to work and make all the money. And then I’m going to go home and have an amazing dinner with my wife that we’ll both cook because we like doing that together, and then I’m going to have some amazing sex. Because that is the kind of man I am.”
I gave him a dry look. “Really? Really? I’m telling you about my horrible dating life, and you’re just going to brag like that?”
“I can’t help it. I’m a lucky man.”
We stood on the edge of the street, waiting for the crosswalk to tell us to go, and I looked over at my friend, wondering what it was like to be that happy.
Moyer and Harmony had married young, sure, but t
hey were so desperately in love that it just radiated off them.
I wasn’t jealous of them, not really. I knew my time would come. And if it didn’t, then I would find other things to put my soul into. I was just lucky to be where I was, considering where I’d come from.
And Moyer and Harmony were some of the best people I knew. The fact that they’d let me into their lives and didn’t mind the fact that sometimes, yes, I was the third wheel, meant the world to me.
Moyer picked up his phone, looking down at it as it started to ring. From the smile on his face, I knew who it was. We were indeed running late, and I bet Harmony was making sure we were on our way.
The crosswalk light changed, telling us to go, and I took a step, only to frown when I realized I had stepped in gum. Seriously? Of all the things.
“Damn it,” I cursed, and picked up my foot.
And then everything changed. And I couldn’t really breathe.
I looked up and to the left, and there was a truck. One that shouldn’t be there. There shouldn’t be anything at all. This was the crosswalk. There was a red light. The walk light was white. This wasn’t supposed to happen.
I reached out, trying to grab Moyer’s shoulder to pull him back, but he had already taken an extra step.
“Moyer!”
I called out his name, but I swear it was a whisper, maybe it wasn’t even real.
Then there was a sound, one I couldn’t understand. There was glass, there was screaming. Was the screaming coming from me?
I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t take another step, I couldn’t do anything.
Instead, I just stood there as darkness swallowed me, as I watched my best friend die.
My eyes opened, and I knew that I was once again in my bedroom. The dream was just as vivid as it had been before. It was so intense that I felt like I was living it again.
I lay there, sweating, my hands shaking, my whole body cold and clammy.
Tears streamed down my face, but I didn’t wipe them away. I hadn’t even realized I was crying in my sleep, but then again, I did it far too often when it came to that dream.
Shouldn't Have You Page 4
