He looked so sad, so broken.
All I wanted to do was gather him up in my arms and tell him that everything was going to be okay. But I knew better than most that everything wasn’t okay all the time. Sometimes, you had to get through the non-okay parts before you could breathe again.
We were going to do that. Together, damn it.
“That’s not how this works, Brendon,” I said, not knowing exactly what I was going to say until I said it.
He turned to me and didn’t even stiffen. He had known I was there, but he hadn’t looked at me. He turned back to the window.
It hurt, but it shouldn’t. Because Brendon was hurting, and I was going to be there for him. He was always there for me, no matter what. No matter how he was feeling, he was always there for me.
So, I was going to be there for him. But first, we needed to get a few things out of the way. “We’re going to talk, Brendon. We’re going to talk about what happened down there—with Sam, with me, with you. We’re going to talk. Because you don’t get to walk away like that. Do you hear me? You don’t get to walk away when it hurts. We talk about it. That’s how it’s always been. And it’s going to stay that way. Okay?”
He didn’t turn again, so I walked forward and put my hands on his back. I wasn’t afraid that he would turn and hurt me. I was never scared of that. It didn’t matter that he had violence in his past, he’d never been violent towards anyone in his life.
I wasn’t afraid of him. I might be scared of what could happen if he walked away, if he pushed me out of his life forever, but I wasn’t going to think about that.
Because we would get through this.
“I’m not the right person, Harmony. I’m not the person I need to be for you. Don’t you see that? Of course, you do. You cried.”
I froze and blinked. But he still wasn’t looking at me. I wished he would look at me.
“You mean last night? When we made love for the first time?”
“You know what I mean. You cried. I hurt you. And I refuse to do that again. So you need to leave. You need to leave before I hurt you any more than I already have.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat and tugged on the back of his shirt. “You’re going to hurt me if you don’t look at me. So look at me, Brendon. Face me and let’s talk about it. That’s what we do. We talk. We don’t hide our feelings. You let me breathe, you let me heal. So let me help you do that, too. Face me. Talk to me about it. Be the man I know you are. Not the man you think you are.”
He was so still for so long, I was afraid he would never turn, that everything would be lost. That no matter how hard I fought, he wouldn’t fight for us.
But then his shoulders sagged just for a moment before they stiffened again and he turned.
I didn’t touch him then, knowing that he likely needed space even though I didn’t want to give him too much.
I wanted to reach out. I wanted to lay my hands on his skin and feel him, to know that he was real. And for him to know I was real, too.
But I didn’t.
Not yet.
You cried,” he said, his voice soft.
“Of course, I did. It was the first time I’d had sex with someone other than Moyer. Moyer wasn’t my first, but he was my only for a long time. And then I was having sex with you. Making love with you. And it was wonderful, and it was perfect, and I wasn’t thinking about him then. I was thinking about all the emotions running through me because I was with you. It was just you and me, like we said. It was us. So, yes, I cried. Because I’m an emotional wreck sometimes, and I cry. You know that. You know I cry at puppy commercials, and TV shows that even mention a puppy. I cry when someone wins the lottery when they’ve been down on their luck. I cried when your brother got a new beer. He was so happy that it made him smile and pick up Violet and dance around the room. I cried because they were happy. I just cry sometimes. I wasn’t hurt. I wasn’t thinking about Moyer. I promise.”
Brendon looked at me then, his eyes devoid of emotion, but I knew it was just a façade. He was holding back everything because it was all a bit too much.
I knew Brendon. Even if I hadn’t realized exactly what my feelings were until this moment. I knew Brendon.
“You had to watch what happened. You had to look at me and watch me push away the man who tried to raise me.”
“No, that wasn’t what you did. You told me before what Sam did to you. I’ve never seen someone as strong as you were just then. And you know how much I hate the word strong.”
His lips quirked into a smile then, and I felt like we were one step closer to winning. “I know you hate that word.”
“Of course, I do. Even though it’s a good one. It means so much, and that’s why it’s difficult to hear. But you did exactly what you felt you needed to do, and I will always support you. Even before we were what we are together now, I would’ve supported you. Because you did what you needed to do for yourself and for that man. He came here for atonement, and he got it. You didn’t have to give him anything else. You didn’t have to give him what you did. And I know it was hard, and we can talk about it more later. I promise. Anything you want to talk about, I am here for you. I’m sorry that you went through any of that at all. That you had to feel that. But you’re here now. You have your brothers. You have me. Us. Just know that you’re loved. And you’re not alone. You’ll never be alone again.”
“I hated him for so long,” Brendon said softly. I stood there, wanting to reach out but knowing if I moved, if I breathed too loudly, he could stop talking. I needed him to keep talking.
“I hated him. And I felt like I was nothing because of him. It took me a while to be who I am now, and I know I’m not perfect. But, Harmony? I’m not sure I’m the right person for you. Because while I can get over what Sam did to me, and I can get over what happened to me as a kid because I’ve been working on getting through it my entire teenage and adult life, seeing him brought it all back. But that’s not the only thing on my mind. It’s the future. It’s looking at you, knowing that I love you and I’m afraid you’ll look at me and see what you don’t have anymore. That’s why I’m afraid.”
It didn’t hurt, it wasn’t a slap across the face, but it was still an echo of pain.
I’d spent so much of my life trying not to put labels on myself, and it was odd to think that my future was staring at me and not seeing exactly who I’d become. But maybe it was just because I hadn’t said it enough. Or well enough. Perhaps it was because I had allowed him to take care of me for so long that he couldn’t see what I had strived so hard for.
So, I’d make that change happen.
“That’s not how this works,” I said again, my voice soft but strong. I cleared my throat, making sure I was a little louder this time. “I remember what it felt like with Moyer. That’s my past. He will always be in my memories, and I will always love him. And you know that. Just like you’ll always love him, as well. But I also know how it feels when I’m with you.”
I looked up at him and made sure that he understood that what I was saying was the truth.
“I’m allowed another happily ever after. That’s my right. I’m allowed to love again. I’m allowed to put myself out there and know that it’s okay not to be okay and yet be okay. So you don’t get to push me away when it hurts, when you’re afraid that I’m not seeing you the way I should. Because I do. And you know why? Because I’m your friend. I have always been that, and over the past few months, we’ve gotten even closer. I let you into my bed. In my body. Inside my heart.”
My voice broke then, and he reached out to touch my face. I leaned into his hold and wanted to close my eyes and cry. Because that’s what I did. I cried. I hadn’t cried often, not since everything had changed. But I was past that now. So, I cried. But there wouldn’t be any more tears today. Only truths.
“I let you into my heart,” I repeated. “So, you don’t get to run when it hurts. And I don’t get to either.” I took a deep breath. “So, you should
probably know that I’ve already fallen in love with you, even though we both know it’s too soon and we shouldn’t. But there it is. You just said you loved me, and we’ll just blow past that because it’s a lot, and we’re still trying to figure out exactly what we are to each other. And that’s fine. But, yes, I love you. It’s probably too soon. And, no, it’s not the same love that it was when we were just friends. But I don’t think it has been for a while. It’s a love that grows. And I love you. So now, what are you going to do about it? What are you going to do about us? Because I’m here, Brendon. And I’m not going anywhere.”
I rolled back my shoulders and just looked at him, praying that I hadn’t laid my heart out for nothing.
And then his eyes darkened, and he lowered his face to mine. It was just a soft kiss, a brush of lips against mine. “You are fucking amazing, Harmony. I knew you were amazing before, but right now? You’re a goddess. My own personal Wonder Woman.”
“I could use the Lasso of Truth right about now,” I whispered against his lips, and he laughed and then kissed me hard.
And then, suddenly, his hands were in my hair, and my arms were around his body. And then his hands were below my butt, picking me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist, and then my back was suddenly against the door.
We were in his office with his family right downstairs, but we didn’t care.
There was a clash of teeth and tongues and heavy breathing.
All I knew was that I needed him inside me. I needed his touch, needed him.
He worked the button on my pants, and I tried to do the same for him, but I couldn’t make it work.
My legs were still around his waist even as he stripped me out of my clothes and he did the same with his, and then my pants were gone, and he was inside of me, warm, bare—something we would need to talk about later, but that was fine. Because it didn’t matter.
This was Brendon, and he would always make sure I was safe.
And then there were no words, no thoughts, just hard and hot against the door. It banged, loud and fast, and we made love, fucked right there—something I had always wanted to do.
This was his office, his domain, and I was his. Taken, claimed. Brendon’s.
And when we both came, panting as we tried to call out each other’s names, I leaned into him, trying to catch my breath.
“I fucking love you,” he growled.
“I love you, too. Wow,” I said, my voice breathy.
“Wow, indeed. And I’m pretty sure everyone just heard that,” Brendon said, laughing, still inside me.
“Yeah. I don’t know how I’m going to face them later, but whatever. Don’t do that again, Brendon.”
He looked up at me, blinking. “Don’t fuck you against the door again?”
“No, you can do that anytime. Maybe when I’m wearing a dress so it’s a little easier. Pants were difficult.”
“Yeah, dresses would be easier. And we didn’t use a condom.”
“I know, but I’m on birth control, and I’m clean.”
“Me, too. But we probably should’ve been safer about that. I’ll never hurt you. Never again. I might get too far into my head at times and try to protect you from myself, but that’s just because I can’t stop wanting to make sure that you are safe and cared for.”
I cupped his face and kissed him softly, in love with the man that had been my friend for as long as I could remember. And he would always be that, even as our love grew into something more, something vivid.
“You’re mine, Brendon Connolly. Always.”
“Always. I promise.”
And I trusted that promise with everything that I was. Maybe someone else wouldn’t, perhaps it was too soon for some people, but I knew love, and I knew destiny and fate and all of that. I knew that sometimes taking a chance when no one else would was the only way to truly understand what love and fate and all of that was and what it meant.
Because Brendon had always been a part of my life, I just somehow ignored the fact that my love had grown for him in a different way.
But I was never going to ignore it again.
No matter what.
Epilogue
I’ll take care of her. I promise. Thank you for loving her first.
- Brendon to Moyer. Today.
* * *
Brendon
I was a mess. Life was a mess. But I was happy. That didn’t really sound like it should all make sense together, but it did. Because, yeah, just because I was a healthy, emotionally-mature adult, that didn’t mean my life was perfect. It was so far from that, yet sometimes it felt exactly how it needed to be.
I was in love with my best friend, with a woman who made me smile, who challenged me, and who somehow, through some fate I still did not understand, loved me back.
What more could I want?
Yeah, I probably could’ve asked for an easier childhood. I could’ve probably gone without ever seeing Sam again in my life. But that was all behind me. I was strong.
A word I knew Harmony hated, but we were both getting through it.
I didn’t think I would ever see Sam again, but if I did, I knew I’d be able to deal with it because of Harmony.
Maybe, one day, I would want to see him. Get to know him. If I did, I’d hire a private detective and find my way through that. But I honestly didn’t think that would happen.
I’d had my parents. Jack and Rose were everything to me, and I hated that they were gone. I missed them more each and every day. But they had raised me. Cameron and Aiden were my brothers regardless if we shared blood.
And Dillon was my brother, too, even if he was still new to me, and I was just starting to get to know this kid who was a bright font of knowledge and grace.
The women in my life were amazing, and the depth of their emotions and strength just told me that I would never be truly alone again.
Violet, Sienna, and even Meadow would always make me laugh. They would forever be little sisters to me, even if Meadow was a little newer to the game.
Same as Beckham. The quiet, mysterious guy who liked to make me laugh and make fun of me—he was in my life, too.
I wasn’t alone.
And I would never be alone when it came to Harmony either.
She had chosen me, given herself to me, even as I had given myself to her.
And I wasn’t allowed to walk away again.
Even if I’d only done it for a moment because I thought it was for her own good. I was never allowed to do it again.
I can still remember the hurt in her voice, the pain in her eyes when I finally looked at her again that day in the office. I knew that she was my everything and that I could never walk away again—even if it was only in a fit of emotion.
My life wasn’t in shambles, it was pretty damn put-together. It just took me a while to see that. Everyone around me were the same people they had been before I finally made that leap with Harmony, but it was as if knowing that I could take a chance had allowed me to lean on them at the same time. It had opened my eyes to the idea that they were there, that I wasn’t alone. And I had the woman I’d always thought I shouldn’t have, the one who would be in my life for as long as I could have it happen.
Because I knew forevers weren’t always a promise. Not with everything we’d all been through. But I would love Harmony until the end of my days. And I would do everything in my power to make sure she understood that. She had saved me from myself, and I would always be there for her.
I had my family, my woman, my bar, my business, and my life.
It might be a lot, but it was pretty fucking amazing.
An arm wrapped around my waist, and I looked down at Harmony. “Are you just going to stand there and look pensive and broody all night? Not that you’re not hot, but I need you to focus. We have a reputation to live up to. And a dance.” She grinned at me, and my heart lurched. Fucking lurched.
Who was I?
I hardly recognized myself these days.
I laughe
d and kissed her on the tip of the nose before taking the pool cue out of her hand.
We weren’t running a full tournament as that would start the next night. However, we were doing tournament practice at the bar. We were decently busy, but it was the Connollys playing against each other while the newer members of the staff worked the front of the house. We pitched in, but the Connollys were doing PR first.
Only it really wasn’t all the Connollys since Aiden and Sienna hadn’t shown up to play. That was a little odd, but no one seemed really worried, other than the fact that the two might strangle each other if they were together. We didn’t know if they were actually together since they hadn’t said as much, but the two didn’t say much of anything to us when it came to what they were thinking these days.
“We’re going to kick Beckham’s and Meadow’s asses, don’t worry,” I said, laughing.
“I think that fake bartender over there means war,” Beckham said to Meadow, and the quiet woman just laughed and rolled her eyes.
Beckham and Meadow were the ringers for the night since Aiden and Sienna hadn’t shown up.
Both had texted that they wouldn’t be there, claiming some excuse or another, but all of us thought it was odd, and we all had questions. Not that we could actually ask them since every time we brought up one of them to the other, they got all weird and yelled about it.
But it was fine. It was life.
And I had another woman to focus on, the one at my side.
Everyone watched and laughed and played around as I lined up my shot, knowing that I had to be really good at this since Meadow and Beckham were actually pretty decent pool players. I didn’t think Harmony and I were actually going to win this time, mostly because we kept getting distracted by each other and kept making out in the corner rather than playing the game. But I wouldn’t mind losing because of that. It actually sounded pretty damn good to me.
I hit the four into the corner pocket, but missed the next shot, cursing under my breath. I missed because Harmony had stood right beside me, and I could feel the heat of her.
Shouldn't Have You Page 19
