by Jane Henry
No one bothers to contradict or correct him. Tension’s high, and we’ve hardly gotten out of danger.
Fiona and Sam quiet.
We get back to Ballyhock well past midnight. Seems every fucking light’s on in the mansion. With a sigh, I turn to Sheena.
“You stay with them tonight,” I tell her. “It’s important to have you with them. I’ll be up with Keenan for a good long while, and we’ll make plans to move you in the morning.”
She doesn’t meet my eyes but looks somewhere past me. For the first time tonight, I wonder what she sees. What she feels.
“Aye,” she says. “Thanks very much.”
Thanks very much.
It’s like we’ve come to the end of something and are making polite talk, planning to send cards at the holidays, shake hands, and that’s about it. I feel as if something’s off between us, but I don’t really know what. I chalk it up to my preoccupation and her trauma from the night.
“Do they need to see Sebastian?” Lachlan says when we get out of the car.
I shake my head. “I don’t think so. Everyone needs a good night’s sleep.”
“And a strong drink,” Sheena mutters. That makes me smile.
“Aye, doll. I’ll have something sent up to you.”
She smiles sadly. “Thanks—”
I put up my hand to stop her from speaking. She gives me a strange look.
If she says thanks very much again I might take her across my knee and give her a good spanking.
I’m pleased to see both mam and Megan waiting for us when we arrive.
“Take care of them,” I tell them. “I’ve got to meet with Keenan straight away, and it’s been a difficult night for them.”
“Aye,” mam says. She reaches for Sam, who goes to her eagerly and tucks his little head against her neck. She closes her eyes when she embraces him, swallows hard, then nods.
Megan takes both of Fiona’s hands and gives her a squeeze. “Oh, it’s good to have you back.”
“They won’t stay long, Megan,” I tell her. “Just for the night, most like.”
I don’t miss the way Sheena’s body tightens. I reach for her, but she steps away from me and marches up the stairs. Did she see me reaching? Or did she step away on purpose? I frown after her, confused about exactly what just happened, but I have no time to think anything over. We’ll deal in the morning.
Keenan’s waiting for me in his office. Lachlan and Carson join me as we go in to tell him everything that happened.
He scrubs a hand across his brow when we enter. “Didn’t expect you boys to deal that quickly,” he says. “Efficient, aren’t you?”
“Didn’t have much of a chance,” Lachlan says. “They were waiting for us.”
“Aye,” I tell him. I fill him in on all that happened, what was said, and how we negotiated restitution.
“Told us we had a spy among us,” Lachlan says with a frown. “Think he was pulling the mickey, Keenan?”
Keenan looks sharply at Lachlan, then me.
“What do you think, Nolan?”
“No idea,” I tell him.
“We’ll have to see,” he says. “In the past, a warning from the O’Gregors hasn’t been something to heed, has it?”
“I agree. He’s no friend of ours, Keenan,” Lachlan says. “Could’ve just been stirring up trouble among us.”
“Aye,” Keenan says. “No doubt. For now, we make sure that we’re safe and secure. I’ll follow up with Father Finn to ensure he’s heard nothing more about stirrings at the O’Gregors. Nolan?”
I nod. “Where’s Sheena tonight?”
I tell him. He nods. “Seems like the right decision. And your plans after tonight?”
“Don’t know,” I mutter with a sigh. “I’ll deal in the morning.”
Keenan nods, then pushes to his feet. “It’s late, lads. Get some rest. We’ll have another meeting in the morning.” He holds up a finger in warning. “But see to it that no one else hears about this talk of a rat, understood?”
“Aye,” I agree.
“Aye,” Lachlan repeats.
We leave Keenan’s office, and a part of me wants to go to Sheena. Hell, no. All of me wants to go to Sheena. But something’s off, and I know it. I tell myself she’s upset about tonight, she can’t deal with whatever’s happened. That whatever’s made her pull away from me has nothing to do with us.
Now that her mother’s gone… now that they’ve left Stone City… I should feel free.
But I don’t. It feels like a great weight hangs on my chest, and I’m helpless to push it off.
So I go to my room alone.
I tell myself she needs space.
She needs time.
I want to pour myself a few fingers of the best damn Jameson I have and swig it. I haven’t been tempted to drink this badly since I gave it up. It’s a damn good thing I have none nearby. Not sure I’d be able to stop myself tonight.
I stare out the window to the sea, dark and barely visible but for the moonlight that filters from above. I yank open the balcony door. The sea’s tumultuous and vicious tonight, so powerful it could pull a grown man beneath the surface, never to return again. We used to have a lighthouse here but it burnt down a few years ago. I wonder idly if we should build a new one.
Why do I feel as if I’m grieving a loss? As if tonight marks the end to something powerful? I stare at the sea and breathe in the salt air until I shiver with cold. I’ve got a big day ahead tomorrow and need to get to bed.
I hate going to bed alone.
Chapter 20
Sheena
I should feel relief. I should be happy about all that’s happened. We’re free.
Free.
And yet it doesn’t feel that way.
I’m grateful that Maeve and Megan go back to the room with us. I don’t want to be alone with my brothers and sister tonight. The weight of responsibility falls heavily on me with my mother’s passing. I’m not sure how to process my feelings toward her death, and am even less sure how to help them as well.
“What happened tonight?” Maeve asks me, as Megan walks ahead with Fiona. Tiernan joins us and fills her in.
She listens with patience, never interrupting, with no outward show of emotion until he gets to the part of mum’s passing.
Maeve gasps and covers her mouth. “Oh, I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” Tiernan says. “Honestly, it’s the best thing that could’ve happened.”
“I agree with him,” I say.
Maeve shakes her head sadly. “It’s a sad day when children don’t grieve the loss of their mother. She must not have appreciated all of you the way she should have.”
Tiernan and I look at each other briefly, one moment of grief we share. Not for the loss of a woman who didn’t deserve our love, but for the loss of a life we should have had.
“No,” he says, shaking his head. “She didn’t.”
Megan watches us in silence, her wide eyes taking it all in. She isn’t usually so quiet, and it makes the night feel somber. I wonder what her story is.
“Well,” Maeve says. “We’ll get some rest for tonight, and tomorrow, I’m sure the boys will help us come up with a plan for all of you.”
“Aye,” Megan says. “Those boys are good at that type of thing.” Her twinkling eyes look teasingly at Maeve, who swats at her with affection. Megan laughs and runs ahead, opens the door to the room where they’ve been staying, and ushers us all in.
I get the kids situated finally. Maeve and Megan offer to stay, and at first I tell them I’m fine.
“You’ve been through a lot,” Maeve says gently. The three of us sit in a small dining area, drinking steaming cups of tea while the others sleep soundly. “Let me stay tonight and help if Sam wakes? You need your rest.”
I look at her kind, gentle gray eyes, and to my shock and horror, find my own filling with tears. She notices and reaches her hand to mine.
“Oh, Sheena,” she says softly. “Don’t
cry, lass. It’ll be alright.”
But she doesn’t know why I’m crying.
“I hated you, though. And I’ll never forgive myself for it.”
She blinks in surprise and Megan places her cup on the table, then stills.
I tell her everything. How I was told Seamus McCarthy was to blame for my father’s death, and how I set out to right the wrongs done to me in pursuit of the wrong family. How I nursed my hatred and let it fester until I wanted every one of the McCarthys to pay.
“All of you,” I say, crying freely now, not even bothering to check my tears. “I hated all of you and wanted you all to suffer for what I thought he did.”
Megan lifts her cup of tea and takes a long pull before she responds with a roll of her eyes. “Well,” she finally says. “They aren’t exactly saints, now, are they?”
And for some reason, her response amuses me. I can’t contain the maniacal laugh that bubbles up inside me. I place my mug down and cover my mouth. My whole body shakes with laughter.
“Mother of God, child, you’ve lost yer mind, haven’t you?” Maeve says, rubbing her hand across my back, but Megan loves any chance to laugh, so she quickly joins in. We silently snicker until finally Maeve laughs, too, and the three of us silently laugh and cry until Maeve gets up, walks to a sideboard, unlocks it and withdraws a bottle of whiskey. She comes back to us and douses each of our mugs.
“Jesus, have a drink, girls,” she mutters, which makes me and Megan laugh even harder. And somehow, right then, with the dim light above us and the soft sounds of gentle snores coming from the other room, on the night I lost my mother, I found a friend. Megan reaches for my hand and squeezes it.
“No one blames you now, Sheena. Won’t say you were anyone’s favorite for a while, I won’t lie. But something tells me that cousin of mine would rather cut off his right bollox than see you come to harm.”
“Megan,” Maeve hisses. “He’s my son.”
“Aye, and he’s got a pair like the rest, doesn’t he, now?”
Maeve rolls her eyes, sighs, and sits back down next to us. But instead of drinking her tea, she lifts the slim bottle of amber whiskey to her lips and swigs straight from the bottle. She doesn’t even wince, but chugs the fiery liquid straight, plunks it back down on the table, and sighs with satisfaction.
“Megan’s right,” Maeve says. “I don’t blame you for hating me. I’d have hated me, too, if I thought what you did.”
I shake my head. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness, though.”
She leans in and smiles. The woman’s old enough to be my mother, dressed in a simple pair of faded trousers and a slim-fitting white tee, but right then, I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful.
“There’s something I’ve learned, having lived my entire life surrounded by these men,” she says. “You can’t hold onto anger, Sheena. You have to forgive. If you don’t, it eats you up inside like acid, burning away the good bits until there’s nothing left but rot. It isn’t your enemies that bear the brunt of your anger. It’s you.”
I look away, because I have to think about this. A part of me knows she’s right, because I’ve experienced just this. My anger and hatred didn’t bring justice to those I thought wronged me. Instead, it left me bitter. It ate me up inside to the point where I could barely bring myself to even think of the wellbeing of another.
“You’re right,” I tell her. “I felt that. I did.”
She nods. “I know you did. That kind of hatred can’t be hidden. But the vengeance in your eyes, lass… it’s gone now. Those children in the other room have given you so much, haven’t they? If not for them, you wouldn’t be where you are today.”
I nod with a sigh. “Aye.”
Megan yawns wildly. “I wish I could stay up, but I’ve got a shift at the hospital in the morning and need to get some rest. Will you be here tomorrow, Sheena?”
I answer her honestly. “I don’t know.”
“Well, if I know my cousin, he’ll reach out to me for help moving, so I’m sure we’ll be in touch.” She leans in and kisses my cheek before turning to leave. A lump rises in my throat again.
Maeve sees her to the door, then comes back to me. Wordlessly, she bends down, and wraps her arms around me. She holds me, and the damn tears I fought back surface again. I close my eyes to them, grateful she doesn’t expect me to talk. Nolan’s held me, and the children have embraced me, too. But I haven’t had this, the touch of a mother, in so long I forgot what it’s like.
“You’re a good girl,” she whispers in my ear. “And my son will do well by you. Now get some rest. The sun will rise on another day, and we’ll put this all behind us.”
And then she’s gone into Sam’s room where there’s a little bed set up next to his crib. She shuts the door.
The whiskey’s warmed me through and made me sleepy. I rise, walk to the window, and look outside. From here I can see a dim light by the greenhouse, but everything’s at rest. I miss the view of the sea from Nolan’s balcony. It soothed me before I went to bed. We’re on the other side of the house here, not facing the ocean, and though it’s lovely and quaint here, clean and secure, it isn’t the same. I tell myself it’s the view that I miss, that’s all. But it’s the first night apart from Nolan since I came here.
My son will do well by you.
Will he, though? Or are Nolan and I through?
Were we even together to begin with?
Why doesn’t he come to me? Why has he sent me away? He had us leave his home, then brought us here. I wonder what he’ll do in the morning.
I wonder what I will.
I don’t ask for things and never have. I’m not that girl. I’m the independent one, who does things on her own. I’m the girl who finds her own way. I don’t depend on others. But now I’ve been thrust into a situation where I’m left with only two choices.
Leave and begin again, without the help of the McCarthys.
Or take their help.
I finally get ready for bed and sleep on the sofa. It’s a wild, restless sleep. I dream of guns and babies crying, and the places I traverse in my dreams is an odd conglomeration of the McCarthy mansion and the hovel back in Stone City. I wake when the sun rises, my eyes so tired they hurt. I try to get some sleep, but I can’t.
I want Nolan.
I want to see him. To feel him. I want to lay my head on his chest and be strengthened by his warm, firm hand on the small of my back. I want to kiss him and tell him thank you. I want to make slow, passionate love to him until we’re sated. I want him to take me, own me, dominate me in the way that brings peace and freedom to my mind.
But I can’t have those things.
I know now that I love him, and loving him means I have to let him live his life unencumbered with a woman like me.
Realizing this makes me ache, but at the same time I feel almost… free. I tell myself this is what selfless love is.
Maeve’s words from the night before echo in my thoughts, until it’s all I can think of. But it isn’t fair, to foist the troubles of my family on theirs. I don’t know how I can ask that of them.
A soft knock comes at the door. I’m dressed in joggers and a faded t-shirt Megan lent me. I toss the blanket aside and walk quickly to the door, so I don’t wake anyone else. Maeve opens the door, dressed in a robe, baby Sam against her hip. She smiles and mouths, “Good morning.” I smile back and whisper the same.
I go to the door. There’s a peep hole here, and when I look through I see not one but four men outside. There’s only one I have eyes for. He stands in jeans and a t-shirt as well, rumpled as if he slept in them.
I open the door quickly, and Nolan steps in.
“Are you all coming in, then?” I say, looking in surprise at the others.
“No,” he says. “This is the guard I left here for you last night. They’ll stay right here.”
I can’t let myself get all swoony over this, I can’t. It’s just standard, what they do for everyone under their protecti
on. This is what I tell myself, anyway.
He slams the door, turns to me, and reaches for me. Before I can protest, his hands are wrapped in my hair and he’s kissing me, his body pressed up to mine as if he can’t take another breath without touching me. I pull away with effort.
“Nolan!” I say in a hissed whisper. “Your mother is right there.”
He holds the back of my head, his eyes burning into mine while he looks behind me.
“Ah, hi, mam,” he says. “I need to talk to Sheena alone for a bit.”
She smiles. “Of course,” she says. “Go on with you. Sheena, go pack the things you’ve got in his place and I’ll get the children ready and fed.”
“Thank you—” I start to say, but my voice pitches into a squeal. He’s yanking me straight out of the door.
“If anyone sees me…” I try to protest but naturally he doesn’t heed me.
“Don’t care,” he says. “One night apart was enough. I was an idiot for letting even that happen.”
“Nolan,” I begin. I have to tell him everything I’ve decided, that I can’t let his family suffer for mine any longer. “You have to let me go. I can’t go with you. You need to listen—”
“I’ll listen,” he half-growls, crossing the landing by the stairs and bringing me down the hallway that leads to his room. “When I’m balls-deep in you and your eyes are locked with mine.”
“My God,” I whisper. “Are you out of your mind?”
“Nope. The most honest answers I get out of you are when you’re being properly, soundly fucked. So that’s how we’ll talk.”
Right, then, my ovaries twitch again and I think I just got struck with lightning, for my body’s sizzling right about now. A tiny, little voice inside is telling me to protest harder, not to let him seduce me, that I have to stand my ground and do what’s right. He yanks open his door, drags me in, and pushes me up against it.
Suddenly, the little voices in my head stop talking.
He wraps his hand around my throat, not harshly, but enough that I’m pinned against the wall and can’t get away. He bends, brushes his lips against mine, then plunders my mouth. His tongue sweeps against mine, and I feel as if he’s swallowing me whole. For every sigh I release, he breathes in deeper. I’m boneless, unable to stop this, when his hands reach for my waist and he strips my clothes off. First, the t-shirt, balled in his fist and whipped over his shoulders to land on the floor behind him. Next, the joggers, yanked down my hips until I’m standing before him stark naked.
