Night and day and night and day. Jesus is looking right in the windows no matter what. He can see through the roof. He can see
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inside our heads, where we think the bad things. I tried not to think of the doctor with no clothes on with all of them up on the roof but he had that yellow hair on his arms. Rachel screamed and thrashed her white hair and sassed back at Father bad: "Who cares who cares who cares! Who is even going to know the difference if we scoot out of here and go back home where it's safe?" Father yelled, "God will know the difference!" And Rachel fell down hard before I even heard the sound of the wall and his hand. "God despises a coward who runs while others stand and suffer. "
Where will we be safe? When Mama raises her eyes up to him they are so cold there isn't even any Mama home inside there, and she says, "Nathan Price, the meek shall inherit.You wait and see."
I know the meek shall inherit and the last shall be first, but the Tribes of Ham were last. Now will they be first? I don't know.
In our family, Mama conies last. Adah is next to last because her one whole side is bad, and then comes Mama last of all, because something in her is even worse hurt than what Adah's got.
Nelson told me how to find a safe place. One time I woke up and there he was: Nelson.
Oh, is he mad because I tried to see him naked, I don't know. My mouth couldn't say any words. But there he was by the bed, and Mama gone from beside me.
He put his hand over my mouth, stooping down and nobody else there. Nobody else. Shhh, he said and put his hand. I thought he vas going to hurt me, but instead he was my friend. Shhh, he said, and took his hand off my mouth and gave me a present. A bu, Bandu.Take this!
Bandu is my name. Nommo Bandu! It means the littlest one on the bottom. And it means the reason for everything. Nelson told me that.
What is it? I said, but not any words came out of my mouth. I looked inside my two hands, where he put it, and there was a tiny box like what matches come in. A matchbox. The matchbox had a picture of a lion on the outside and I thought there would be a tiny little lion inside to be my pet, like the mean ones that eat the ants
only nicer. Stuart Lion. But no. Nelson opened it up and took out something, I couldn't tell what. It looked like a piece of chicken bone -with gristle and string all on it and sticky and something black. What was it, something that died? I was scared and started fixing to cry.
Nelson said, Don't be scared. He said, this has been in the magic fire.You call this nkisi. He made me touch it and it didn't burn me. Look, he said. He held it right up to my eye. There was a tiny hole in the side and a tiny peg that fit in the hole, tied with string. Put your spirit inside here, he said, here quick, blow in this hole. He opened up the peg and I blew in the little hole and quick he said my name Nommo Bandu Nommo Bandu Nommo Bandu! and shut up the hole -with the little peg and Now you are safe. He said now if anything happens to me, if I start fixing to die or something, hold on to this tight and bambula! Ruth May will disappear.
How do you know? But Nelson knows everything about dead people. His mama and father and brothers and baby sister are all dead on the bottom of the river.
I don't want to disappear, I said.
But he said, Only if you are going to die. He said this way I won't die, I will just disappear for a second and then I'll turn up someplace else, where it's safe. Instead of dead I'll be safe. But first I have to think of that place every day, so my spirit will know where to run away to, when it's time. You have to think of your safe place every day. Nelson's face was bigger than a candle right in my face and I could hear the good way he smelled.That soap he uses for washing up and his clothes. All those smells were so loud in my ears. Nelson is my friend that showed me how to sing to the chickens. Bidumuka is the magic name of a chicken. Nobody else knows that, not even Leah or Father.
Nelson said, Don't forget!
I put the matchbox with the lion picture on it, and the magic burned bones inside, I put it under my pillow. Nkisi. Sometimes I wake up and it is still there. If they come and try to make me go up on the roof naked I will just disappear, and turn up some whole
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other place. But first I have to think of where I will go. I can feel the box in my hand. My pillow is wet and the tiny little box is soft but I know what is inside. Secret. There is the window, and it's daytime now and people in the other room talking and they don't know? I have a secret. But Nelson has gone somewhere and his mama dead; I wonder where and I can't remember the song we sang to the chickens.
Leak
J UTH MAY'S SICKNESS stayed with her, but Mother began pulling f Jierselftogether. Seeing the two of them curled in the same bed, one slowly emerging and the other losing ground, put me back onto familiar, unpleasant thoughts of Adah and me in the womb. I have prayed a thousand times for God to tell me: Did I do that to Adah? If I showed her more kindness now, could I be forgiven for making her a cripple? But a debt of that size seems so impossible to pay back it is a dread thing even to start on.
Mother used her own reserves, without stealing the life out of Ruth May or anyone else. She seemed to draw strength right out of the muggy air. Sometimes I saw her sit on the side of the bed for a while before getting up, drawing in deep breaths through thin, pursed lips. She had her good and bad phases, but finally stopped sleepwalking once and for all. It happened rather suddenly one day, after Rachel burned up an egg omelet. She burned two in a row, to be exact�she had the fire in the stove stoked up way too high.The only way to get a slow heat for baking bread or cooking a tender thing like an omelet is to build up a big fire first with good, stout wood and then cook while the coals die slowly down. Rachel could never get the hang of that. She was trying to start the fire and cook all at once, which will never get you anywhere.You can't keep a new fire low; it must grow or die. Nelson taught me that.
But Nelson had gone to get water before dark so Rachel was trying to cook all alone. It was her day in charge of dinner and she had failed to think ahead. Now I could hear her screaming vile
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things out there in the kitchen house. I went out to investigate and let her know we were hungry.
"I'll hungry yow,"she yelled/'Can't you see I've only got two hands?"
I could. She was using both of them to gouge at the burned skillet with a wooden spatula of Nelson's making. Her hair had come down from its French knot and stuck all over her face, and her good blouse was smeared with black ash. She looked like Cinderella in reverse, stepped out from her life at the ball for a day of misery among the ashes.
"You've built the fire up way too hot," I told her.
"Go to hell, Leahjust go straight, directly to hell."
"I'm just trying to help. Look, see how the metal's glowing red hot on top? When it gets like that you just have to wait and let it cool off. Then you can try again."
Rachel blew out her breath hard. "Oh, whatever would I do without my child-progeny sister to tell me what to do."
"Prodigy," I corrected.
"Shut up, damn it! I wish you'd just shut up forever like your Goddamn deaf-mute genius twin!" She whirled around and threw the spatula, not missing my head by all that wide a margin. It banged loudly on the back door of the main house. I was shocked, not so much by her language but by the strength of that pitch. Usually Rachel threw underhanded and was no threat at all.
"Oh, P.S., Leah, there's no more eggs," she added with satisfaction. "For your information."
"Well, we have to eat something. I guess we'11 just eat the burnt ones."
"This! Oh I'm sure. I'd rather die than have to serve this to Father." She made a horrible face at the pan and gave it a vicious shake. "This adventure in fine dining looks like it's been drug through hell backwards."
Rachel looked up at me and clapped her left hand over her mouth. I turned around. There was Mother in the doorway behind me, holding up the spatula.
"Rachel," Mother said. "I believe you dropped this."
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"Rachel, sugar, let me tell you something. I understand you're miserable. But I'm afraid this is your penance for sixteen years of putting up your nose at my cooking. I want to see you bring.that mess in here and serve it up to your father and all the rest of us, including yourself. And I want to see you clean your own plate, without one word. Tomorrow I'll start teaching you how to cook."
Mother kept her promise. She'd gotten up changed from her month in bed. For one thing, she was now inclined to say whatever was on her mind right in front of God and everybody. Even Father. She didn't speak to him directly; it was more like she was talking straight to God, or the air, or the lizards who'd paused halfway up the walls, and if Father should overhear her, that was his nickel. She declared she was taking us out of here as soon as she found the way to do it. She had even asked Eeben Axelroot flat out if he would take us. Not at the moment, was his reply, since he'd probably get shot down over Leopoldville with a planeload of white ladies, and he didn't want to make that kind of headlines. But on another day he came back smiling sideways and confided to Mama that every man has his price. From the looks of Mama, she means to pay it.
I was shocked and frightened to see her flout Father's authority, but truthfully, I could feel something similar moving around in my own heart. For the first time in my life I doubted his judgment. He'd made us stay here, when everybody from Nelson to the King of Belgium was saying white missionaries ought to go home. For us to be here now, each day, was Father's decision and his alone. Yet he wasn't providing for us, but only lashing out at us more and more. He wasn't able to protect Mother and Ruth May from getting sick. If it's all up to him to decide our fate, shouldn't protection be part of the bargain?
I wanted to believe in him. We had much more of the Lord's work to do here, that was plain. And 'what better time to do it, Father had told me reasonably on the plane coming back from Leopoldville, than in the festive atmosphere of Independence, when all Congolese are free to learn from us and make their own choices? Father believes they will choose the Lord's infinite love, and us, of course,
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as we are God's special delegation to Kilanga. He says "we're being brave and righteous. Bravery and righteousness�those are two things that cannot go unrewarded in the sight of the Lord. Father never doubts it, and I can see that for him it's true. He's lived all his days by the laws of Christ, standing up tall and starting to preach in tent revivals when he was hardly older than I am now, and for all that time people flocked to his word and his wisdom. He was brave in the war, I'm sure, for he won a Purple Heart. For Father, the Kingdom of the Lord is an uncomplicated place, where tall, handsome boys fight on the side that always wins. I suppose it resembles Killdeer, Mississippi, where Father grew up, and played the position of quarterback in high school. In that kind of a place it is even all right for people to knock into each other hard every once in a while, in a sportsmanlike way, leaving a few bruises in the service of the final score.
But where is the place for girls in that Kingdom? The rules don't quite apply to us, nor protect us either. What do a girl's bravery and righteousness count for, unless she is also pretty? Just try being the smartest and most Christian seventh-grade girl in Bethlehem, Georgia. Your classmates will smirk and call you a square. Call you worse, if you're Adah.
All my life I've tried to set my shoes squarely into his footprints, believing if only I stayed close enough to him those same clean, simple laws would rule my life as well. That the Lord would see my goodness and fill me with light. Yet with each passing day I find myself farther away. There's a great holy war going on in my father's mind, in which we're meant to duck and run and obey orders and fight for all the right things, but I can't always make out the orders or even tell which side I am on exactly. I'm not even allowed to carry a gun. I'm a girl. He has no inkling.
If his decision to keep us here in the Congo wasn't right, then what else might he be wrong about? It has opened up in my heart a sickening world of doubts and possibilities, where before I had only faith in my father and love for the Lord. Without that rock of certainty underfoot, the Congo is a fearsome place to have to sink or swim.
Rachel
JWAS IN THE KITCHEN HOUSE slaving over a hot stove when everybody came running by. All the raggedy little children with the mothers right behind them, all hollering "Tata Bidibidi! Tata Bidibidi!" That means Mr. Bird, according to Leah, who ran right out to join them. If Mr. Bird�whosoever that might be�was going to put in an appearance, Leah sure wasn't going to miss it. They were saying he'd come up the river in some kind of old boat and was down there unloading his family and what not.
Being the new Chef Boy-ar-dee of the Price family, I had no time for fun and games.The only way I'd ever find out what was up in Kilanga, nowadays, was if it passed by the door of our kitchen house.
Well, turns out I didn't have to wait long, for they made straight for our doorstep! What to our wondering eyes should appear out there on the porch but a white man, very old and skinny, wearing a denim shirt so old you could practically see through it and a little wooden cross hanging on a leather string around his neck, the way the Congolese wear their evil-eye fetishes. He had a white beard and twinkly blue eyes, and all in all gave the impression of what Santa Claus would look like if he'd converted to Christian and gone without a good meal since last Christmas. When I got out to the porch he was already shaking hands with Mother and introducing his wife, a tall Congolese woman, and their children, who were variable in age and color but mostly were hiding behind the long colorful skirts of Mrs. Bird. Mother was confused, but she always has
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the good manners to be hospitalizing even to perfect strangers, so she asked them in and told me to run squeeze some orange juice. So back to the kitchen for Rachel the slave!
By the time I got back with a big dripping jar of orange juice and flopped down in a chair to rest, I'd already missed everything. I couldn't say what or who they were, but yet here was Mother yakking it up with them like old home week. They sat in our living-room chairs asking about people in the village like they knew their way around. "Mama Mwanza, och, how is she? Mama Lo is still doing coiffure and pressing palm oil? Bless her heart, she must be a hundred and ten, and she never married at all�that just goes to show you. Now Mama Tataba, where is she? Ah, but Anatole! We had better go see him at once." That kind of thing. Reverend Santa seemed like a kindly old man. The way he talked sounded part Yankee, part foreign, like one of those friendly Irish policemen in the old movies: "Och, mind you!"
Ruth May, who'd been up out of bed for a few days and seemed to be on the mend, was so enraptured with him she sat with her head practically leaning up against his worn-out trousers. The old man rested a hand on Ruth May's head and listened very closely to everything Mother said, nodding thoughtfully in a way that was quite complimentary. His wife was approximately a hundred years younger than him and attractive in her own way, and was mostly quiet. But she could speak English perfectly. They asked how things -were going down at the church. Father was out somewhere looking for trouble as usual, and we hardly knew how to answer that question ourselves. Mother said, "Well, it's difficult. Nathan's very frustrated. It's all so clear to him that the -words of Jesus will bring grace to their lives. But people here have such different priorities from what we're used to."
"They are very religious people, you know," the old man said. "For all that."
"How do you mean?" Mother asked....... ;
"Everything they do is with one eye to the spirit. When they plant their yams and manioc, they're praying. When they harvest,
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they're praying. Even when they conceive their children, I think they're praying."
Mother seemed very interested. But Leah crossed her arms and asked, "Do you mean praying to their own pagan gods?"
&n
bsp; Reverend Santa smiled at Leah. "What do you imagine our God thinks of this little corner of His creation: the flowering trees in the forest, the birds, the drenching downpours, the heat of the sun�do you know what I'm talking about?"
"Oh, yes," Leah said, straight-A pupil as always.
"And do you think God is pleased -with these things?"
"Oh, I think He glories in them!" she hastened to say."I think he must be prouder of the Congo than just about any place He ever made."
"I think so, too," he said. "I think the Congolese have a world of God's grace in their lives, along with a dose of hardship that can kill a person entirely. I happen to think they already knew how to make a joyful noise unto the Lord a long time ago."
Leah leaned back in her chair, probably wondering -what Father would say to that. As if we didn't know. He'd say the Irish and them are well known to be Catholic papists and -worshipers of the false idols. The business about the flowers and little birdies just clinches the deal.
"Have you heard the songs they sing here in Kilanga?" he asked. "They're very worshipful. It's a grand way to begin a church service, singing a Congolese hymn to the rainfall on the seed yams. It's quite easy to move from there to the parable of the mustard seed. Many parts of the Bible make good sense here, if only you change a few words." He laughed. "And a lot of whole chapters, sure, you just have to throw away."
"Well, it's every bit God's word, isn't it?" Leah said.
"God's word, brought to you by a crew of romantic idealists in a harsh desert culture eons ago, followed by a chain of translators two thousand years long."
Leah stared at him.
"Darling, did you think God wrote it all down in the English of King James himself?"
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"No, I guess not."
"Think of all the duties that were perfectly obvious to Paul or Matthew in that old Arabian desert that are pure nonsense to us now. All that foot washing, for example. Was it really for God's glory, or just to keep the sand out of the house?"
Leah sat narrow-eyed in her chair, for once stumped for the correct answer.
"Oh, and the camel.Was it a camel that could pass through the eye of a needle more easily than a rich man? Or a coarse piece of yarn? The Hebrew words are the same, but which one did they mean? If it's a camel, the rich man might as well not even try. But if it's the yarn, he might well succeed with a lot of effort, you see?" He leaned forward toward Leah with his hands on his knees. "Och, I shouldn't be messing about with your thinking this way, with your father out in the garden. But I'll tell you a secret. "When I want to take God at his word exactly, I take a peep out the window at His Creation. Because that, darling, He makes fresh for us every day, without a lot of dubious middle managers."
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