We're all keeping our hopes up for family relations, I guess, but
I
our true family fell apart after Ruth May's tragic death. You could spend your whole life feeling bad about it, and I get the idea Mother especially is still moping around. And Leah's decided to pay for it by becoming the Bride of Africa. Adah, now she could probably get her a halfway decent boyfriend since she's finally gotten her problem fixed, but no, she has to throw her prime of life down the test tube of a disease organism.
Well, that's their decision. What happened to us in the Congo was simply the bad luck of two opposite worlds crashing into each other, causing tragedy. After something like that, you can only go your own way according to what's in your heart. And in my family, all our hearts seem to have whole different things inside.
I ask myself, did I have anything to do with it? The answer is no. I'd made my mind up all along just to rise above it all. Keep my hair presentable and pretend I was elsewhere. Heck, wasn't I the one hollering night and day that we were in danger? It's true that when it happened I was the oldest one there, and I'm sure some people would say I should have been in charge. There was just a minute there where maybe I could have grabbed her, but it happened so fast. She never knew what hit her. And besides, you can't possibly be in charge of people who will not give you the time of day, even in your own family. So I refuse to feel the slightest responsibility. I really do.
In the evenings here at the Equatorial I usually wind up the day by closing down the bar all by myself, sitting in the dark with my nightcap and one last cigarette, listening to the creepy sounds of a bar with no merriment left in it. There are creepy little things that get into the thatch of the roof, monkey squirrels or something, that you only notice at night. They scritch around and peep down at me with their beady little eyes till I just about lose my mind and scream, "Shut the hell up!" Sometimes I have to slip off my thongs to throw at them before they'll pipe down. Better to keep this place filled up with businessmen and keep the liquor flowing, is what I always say. Honestly, there is no sense spending too much time alone in the dark.
Leak Price Ngemba
- KINSHASA RAINY SEASON, 1981
ANATOLE is IN PRISON. Maybe for the last time. I get out of bed and put on my shoes and force myself to take care of the children. Outside the window the rain pours down on all the drenched, dark goats and bicycles and children, and I stand here appraising the end of the world. Wishing like hell we hadn't come back from Atlanta. But we had to. A person like Anatole has so much to offer his country. Not, of course, in the present regime, whose single goal is to keep itself in power. Mobutu relies on the kind of men who are quick with guns and slow to ask questions. For now, the only honorable government work is the matter of bringing it down. So says Anatole. He'd rather be here, even in prison, than turning his back on an outrage. I know the dimensions of my husband's honor, as well as I know the walls of this house. So I get up and put on my shoes and curse myself for wanting to leave in the first place. Now I've lost everything: the companionship of his ideals, and the secret escape I held in reserve, if my own failed completely. I always thought I could fly away home. Not now. Now I've pulled that ace out of the hole, taken a good look, and found that it's useless to me, devalued over time. An old pink Congolese bill.
How did this happen? I've made three trips back now, more as a stranger each time. Did America shift under my feet, or did it stand
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still while I stomped along my road toward whatever I'm chasing, following a column of smoke through my own Exodus? On our first trip, America seemed possible for us. Anything did. I was pregnant with Patrice then�1968, it would have been. Pascal was almost three, picking up English like the smart little parrot he is. I studied agricultural engineering at Emory, and Anatole was in political science and geography. He was an astonishing student, absorbing everything in the books, then looking past them for things his teachers didn't know. The public library he mistook for heaven. "Beene," he whispered, "for everything that has ever come into my mind, there is already a book written about it."
"Watch out," I teased him. "Maybe there's one in here about you." "Oh, I fear it! A complete history of my boyhood crimes." He came to feel derelict about sleeping at night, for the sake of all the books he'd miss reading in those hours. He retained some reticence about speaking English, refusing for example ever to say the word sheet because to his ear it's indistinguishable from shit, but he read with a kind of hunger I'd never witnessed. And I got to be with my family. Adah was well along in medical school then, so was terribly busy, but we practically lived with Mother. She was so good to us. Pascal prowled over her furniture and napped on her lap like a cat.
I went back the second time to recover from Martin's birth, since I'd gotten dangerously anemic, and to get the boys their booster shots. Mother raised the money to fly us over. It was just the boys and me that time, and we stayed on longer than we'd planned, for the exquisite pleasure of enough food. Also to give Mother a chance to know her only grandchildren. She took us to the ocean, to a windswept place of sandy islands off the Georgia coast. The boys were wild "with all their half-composted discoveries and the long, open stretches for running. But it made me homesick. The shore smelled like the fish markets in Bikoki. I stood on the coast staring across an impossible quantity of emptiness toward Anatole, and vhatever else I'd left behind in Africa.
It's a funny thing to complain about, but most of America is perfectly devoid of smells. I must have noticed it before, but this last
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time back I felt it as an impairment. For weeks after we arrived I kept rubbing my eyes, thinking I was losing my sight or maybe my hearing. But it was the sense of smell that was gone. Even in the grocery store, surrounded in one aisle by more kinds of food than will ever be known in a Congolese lifetime, there was nothing on the air but a vague, disinfected emptiness. I mentioned this to Ana-tole, who'd long since taken note of it, of course. "The air is just blank in America," I said. "You can't ever smell what's around you, unless you stick your nose right down into something."
"Maybe that is why they don't know about Mobutu," he suggested.
Anatole earned a stipend from student teaching, an amount the other graduate students called a "pittance," though it was much more than he and I had ever earned together in any year. We lived once again in married student housing, a plywood apartment complex set among pine trees, and the singular topic of conversation among our young neighbors was the inadequacy of these rattletrap tenements. To Anatole and me they seemed absurdly luxurious. Glass windows, with locks on every one and two on the door, when we didn't have a single possession worth stealing. Running water, hot, right out of a tap in the kitchen, and another one only ten steps away in the bathroom!
The boys alternated between homesickness and frenzy. There were some American things they developed appetites for that alarmed me, and things they ignored, which alarmed me even more. For example, the way well-intentioned white people spoke to my trilingual children (they fluently interchange French, Lingala, and English, with a slight accent in each) by assaulting them with broad, loud baby talk. Anatole's students did essentially the same, displaying a constant impulse to educate him about democracy and human rights�arrogant sophomores! With no notion of what their country is doing to his. Anatole told me these stories at night with a flat resignation, but I cursed and threw pillows and cried while he held me in the vast comfort of our married-student double bed.
The citizens of my homeland regarded my husband and children as primitives, or freaks. On the streets, from a distance, they'd scowl
EXODUS 469
at us, thinking we were merely the scourge they already knew and loathed�the mixed-race couple, with mongrel children as advertisement of our sins. Drawing nearer they would always stare at Anatole as contempt gave way to bald shock. His warrior's face with its expertly carved lines speaks its elegance in a language as foreign to them as Ling
ala.That book was closed. Even my mother's friends, who really did try, asked me nothing of Anatole's background or talents�only, in hushed tones when he left the room, "What happened to his face?"
Anatole claimed the stares didn't bother him. He'd already spent so much of his life as an outsider. But I couldn't stand the condescension. Anatole is an exquisitely beautiful and accomplished man in his own country, to those who appreciate intellect and honor. I already spent a whole childhood thinking I'd wrecked the life of my twin sister, dragged after me into the light. I can't drag a husband and sons into a life where their beauty will blossom and wither in darkness.
So we came home. Here. To disaster. Anatole's passport was confiscated at the airport. While Pascal and Patrice punched each other out of exhausted boredom and Martin leaned on me crying that his ears hurt, my husband was brought down without my notice. He was a wanted man in Zaire. I didn't understand this at the time. Anatole told me it was a formality, and that he had to give our address in Kinshasa so they'd know where to bring his passport back to him the next day. I laughed, and said (in front of the officials!) that, given our government's efficiency, it would be the next year. Then we crammed ourselves into a battered little Peugeot taxi that felt like home at last, and came to Elisabet's house, to fall into sleep or the fitful wakefulness of jet lag. I had a thousand things on my mind: getting the boys into school, finding a place to live, exchanging the dollars from Mother at some Kinshasa bank that wouldn't give us old zaires or counterfeit new ones, getting food so we wouldn't overwhelm poor Elisabet. Not one of my thoughts was for my husband. We didn't even sleep together, since Elisabet had borrowed the few small cots she could find.
THE POISONWOOD BIBLE 470
It vould have been our last chance. The casques-bleus came pounding on the door right at dawn. I wasn't completely awake. Elisabet was still modestly wrapping her pagne as she stumbled to the door, and four men entered with such force they shoved her against the wall. Only Martin was really awake, with his huge black eyes on the guns in their belts.
Anatole behaved calmly, but his eyes were desperate when he looked at me. He mentioned names of people I should find right away�to help us get settled he said, though I knew what he meant�and an address that seemed to be backward.
"The boys," I said, having no idea how I meant to finish the sentence.
"The boys love you more than their own eyes. Planche de salut."
"They're African, for always.You know."
"Beene. Be kind to yourself."
And he is gone. And I have no idea how to be kind to myself. Living, as a general enterprise, seems unkind beyond belief.
At least I know where he is, which Elisabet says is a blessing. I can't agree with her. They took him immediately to Thysville, which is about a hundred kilometers south of Leopoldville over the best road in this nation, repaved recently with a grant of foreign aid. The prison is evidently that important. I had to go to eight different government offices to get information, submitting like an obedient dog to carry a different slip of onionskin paper from one office to the next, until I met my master with his chair tipped back and his boots on his desk. He was startled to see a white woman, and couldn't decide whether to be deferential or contemptuous, so he alternated. He told me my husband would be in detention until formal charges were filed, which could take six months to a year. The charges are in the general nature of treason, which is to say anti-Mobutism, and the most likely sentence will be life imprisonment, though there are other possibilities.
"At Camp Hardy," I said.
"Le Camp Ebeya,"he corrected me. Of course. Camp Hardy has been renamed, for authenticite.
EXODUS 471
I knew not to be encouraged about the so-called "other possibilities." Camp Hardy happens to be where Lumumba was held, and beaten to within an inch of his life, before his death flight to Katanga. I wonder what comfort my husband will get from this bit of shared history. We've known several other people, including a fellow teacher of Anatole's, who've been detained more recently at Camp Hardy. It's considered a prolonged execution, principally through starvation. Our friend said there were long periods when he was given one banana every two days. Most of the cells are solitary, with no light or plumbing or even a hole in the floor. The buckets are not removed.�
I was told I couldn't visit until Anatole was formally charged. After that, it would depend on the charges. I glared at the empty blue helmet sitting on the desk, and then at my commandant's uinprotected head, wishing I might cause it to explode with the force of my rage. When he had no more to tell me, I thanked him in my politest French, and left. Forgive me, O Heavenly Father, according to the multitude of thy mercies. I have lusted in my heart to break a man's skull and scatter the stench of his brains across several people's back yards.
At least he isn't shackled under the stadium floor, Elisabet keeps saying, and I suppose even my broken heart can accept that as good fortune.
I've never known such loneliness.The boys are sad, of course, but Pascal and Patrice at fifteen and thirteen are nearly men, with men's �ways of coping. And Martin is so confused and needs such comfort he has nothing to give me.
We did find a house right away, recently vacated by a teacher's family who've left for Angola. Its a long way from the center, in o>ne of the last little settlements on the road out toward the interior, so we have at least the relief of flowering trees and a yard for growing vegetables. But we're far from Elisabet and Christiane, who work long hours cleaning a police station and attached government warehouse. I don't have the solace of daily conversation. And even Elisabet isn't truly a kindred spirit. She loves me but finds me baf-
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fling and unfeminine, and probably a troublemaker. She may lose her job because of familial association with treason.
I never bothered to notice before how thoroughly I've relied on Anatole to justify and absolve me here. For so many years now I've had the luxury of nearly forgetting I was white in a land of brown and black. I was Madame Ngemba, someone to commiserate with in the market over the price of fruit, the mother of children who sought mischief with theirs. Cloaked in my pagne and Anatole, I seemed to belong. Now, husbandless in this new neighborhood, my skin glows like a bare bulb. My neighbors are deferential and reserved. Day after day, if I ask directions or try to chat about the weather, they attempt nervously to answer me in halting English or French. Did they not notice I initiated the conversation in Lingala? Do they not hear me hollering over the fence at my sons every day in the habitual, maternal accents of a native-born fishwife? The sight of my foreign skin seems to freeze their sensibilities. In the local market, a bubble of stopped conversation moves with me as I walk. Everyone in this neighborhood knows what happened to Anatole, and I know they're sympathetic�they all hate Mobutu as much, and wish they were half as brave. But they also have to take into account his pale-skinned wife. They know just one thing about foreigners, and that is everything we've ever done to them. I can't possibly improve Anatole's standing in their eyes. I must be the weakness that brought him down..���'' , �
I can't help thinking so myself. Where would he be now, if not for me? Dancing with disaster all the same, surely; he was a revolutionary before I met him. But maybe not caught. He wouldn't have left the country twice, listening to my pleas of an aging mother and fantasies of beefsteak. Wouldn't even have a passport, most likely. And that's how they got him.
But then, where would his children be? This is what we mothers always come back to. How could he regret the marriage that brought Pascal, Patrice, and Martin-Lothaire onto the face of Africa? Our union has been difficult for both of us in the long run, but what union isn't? Marriage is one long fit of compromise, deep
EXODUS 473
and wide. There is always one agenda swallowing another, a squeaky wheel crying out. But hasn't our life together meant more to the world than either of us could have meant alone?
These are the kinds of questions I
use to drive myself to distraction, when the boys are out and I'm crazed with loneliness. I try to fill up the space with memories, try to recall his face when he first held Pascal. Remember making love in a thousand different darknesses, under a hundred different mosquito nets, remember his teeth on the flesh of my shoulder, gently, and his hand on my lips to quiet me when one of the boys was sleeping lightly next to us. I recall the muscles of his thighs and the scent of his hair. Eventually I haw to go outside and stare at my plump, checkered hens in the yard, trying to decide which one to kill for supper. In the end I can never take any of them, on account of the companionship I would lose.
One way of surviving heartache is to stay busy. Making something right in at least one tiny corner of the vast house of wrongs� I learned this from Anatole, or maybe from myself, the odd combination of my two parents. But now I'm afraid of running out of possibilities, with so many years left to go. I've already contacted all the people he advised me to find, to warn them, or for help. The backward address turned out after several mistakes to be the undersecretary to Etienne Tshisekedi, the one government minister who might help us, though his own position with Mobutu is now on the outs. And of course I've written to Mother's friends. (At the "Damnistry International," as Rachel probably still calls it.) I begged them to send telegrams on Anatole's behalf, and they will, by the bushel. If Mobutu is capable of embarrassment at all, there's a chance his sentence could be reduced from life to five years, or less. Meanwhile, Mother is raising money for a bribe that will get him some food, so five years and "life" won't be the same sentence. I've gone down to the government offices to find out where the bribe should go when we have it ready. I've nagged about visitation and mail until they all know my face and don't want to see it. I've done what I can, it seems, and now I have to do what I can't. Wait.
By lamplight when the boys are asleep I write short letters to
m
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Anatole, reporting briefly on the boys and our health, and long letters to Adah about how I'm really faring. Neither of them will ever see my letters, probably, but it's the writing I need, the pouring out. I tell Adah my sorrows. I get dramatic. It's probably best that these words will end up suffocating in a pile, undelivered.
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