But with nothing else to hope for, we lean toward Angola, waiting, while the past grows heavy and our future narrows down to a crack in the door. We're poised on the border with everything we might need for an eventual destiny assembled around us. We have cots, the table and chairs we acquired in Kinshasa, a collection of agriculture books and teaching tools from Bikoki, my ancient suitcase of family treasures salvaged from Kilanga. Anatole has even kept the globe I gave him for a wedding present, painted by my own hand on a calabash while the nuns prayed their aovenas. Their
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EXODUS 505
weird library had St. Exupery but nothing so secular as an atlas of the world, so I had to work from memory. Later my sons set upon it like apprentice palm readers, trying to divine the fate of their -world from the lengths and curves of its rivers. Miraculously it survives the humidity and our moves, with only a few unwarranted archipelagos of gray mold dotting its oceans. Anatole cherishes it, and the astonishing fact that I was the first to tell him the shape of our world. But when I see it on his table I'm taken aback by what I overlooked at age eighteen: the Caspian Sea, for example. The Urals, Balkans, Pyrenees�whole mountain ranges vanished under my negligence. But the Congo is exactly the right shape and size, in relation to Europe and the Americas. Already I was determined, I guess, to give Africa a fair shake.
We are all still the children we were, with plans we keep secret, even from ourselves. Anatole's, I think, is to outlive Mobutu and come back here when we can stand on this soil and say "home" without the taste of gold-leaf chandeliers and starvation burning bitter on the backs of our tongues. And mine, I think, is to leave my house one day unmarked by whiteness and walk on a compassionate earth with Ruth May beside me, bearing me no grudge. Maybe I'll never get over my grappling for balance, never stop believing life is going to be fair, the minute we can clear up all these mistakes of the temporarily misguided. Like the malaria I've never shaken off, it's in my blood. I anticipate rewards for goodness, and wait for the ax of punishment to fall upon evil, in spite of the years I've rocked in this cradle of rewarded evils and murdered goodness. Just when I start to feel jaded to life as it is, I'll suddenly wake up in a fever, look out at the world, and gasp at how much has gone wrong that I need to fix. I suppose I loved my father too much to escape being molded to at least some part of his vision.
But the practice of speaking a rich, tonal language to my neighbors has softened his voice in my ear. I hear the undertones now that shimmer under the surface of the words right and wrong. We used to be baffled by Kikongo words with so many different meanings: bangala, for most precious and most insufferable and also poison-
wood. That one word brought down Father's sermons every time, as he ended them all with the shout "Tata Jesus is bdngalur
Way back then, while Rachel could pull words out of thin air to mean what she pleased, and Ruth May was inventing her own, Adah and I were trying to puzzle out how everything you thought you knew means something different in Africa. We worried over nzolo�it means dearly beloved; or a white grub used for fish bait; or a special fetish against dysentery; or little potatoes. Nzole is the double-sized pagne that wraps around two people at once. Finally I see how these things are related. In a marriage cerern_ony, husband and wife stand tightly bound by their nzole and hold ore another to be the most precious: nzolani.As precious as the first potatoes of the season, small and sweet like Georgia peanuts. Precious as the fattest grubs turned up from the soil, which catch the largest fish. And the fetish most treasured by mothers, against dysentery, contains a particle of all the things invoked by the word nzolo: you must dig and dry the grub and potatoes, bind them with a thread from your wedding cloth, and have them blessed in a fire by the ttganga doctor. Only by life's best things are your children protected�this much I surely believe. Each of my peanut-brown babies I calk
"Everything you're sure is right can be wrong in another place. Especially here" I say this frequently, while I'm boiling diapers in the kitchen house and having my imaginary arguments with an absent Rachel. (Which are not so different from arguments with Rachel in person.) She reminds me once again of the Communist threat. I walk outside to dump the water and wave at my neighbor, who's boiling peanuts in a hubcap. Both of us cower at the sound of tires. It might be the black Mercedes of the casque-bleus, Mobutu's deputies come to take our measly harvest to help finance another palace. And then it comes to me suddenly, from childhood, my first stammering definition of communism to Anatole: Thej do not fear the Lord, and they think everybody should have the same kind of house.! -� ......
m
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From where I'm standing, sister, it's hard to fathom the threat.
I live in a tiny house piled high with boys, potatoes, fetishes and books of science, a wedding cloth, a disintegrating map of the world, an ancient leather suitcase of memories�a growing accumulation of past crowding out our ever-narrowing future. And our waiting is almost over. It's taken ten years and seems like a miracle, but the Americans are losing in Angola. Their land mines are still all over the country, they take off the leg or the arm of a child every day, and I know what could happen to us if we travel those roads. But in my dreams I still have hope, and in life, no safe retreat. If I have to hop all the way on one foot, damn it, I'll find a place I can claim as home.
Book Six
SONG or THE THREE CHILDREN
All that you have brought upon us and all that you have done to us,
You have done injustice . . . Deliver us in your wonderful way.
SONG OF THE THREE CHILDREN,
THE APOCRYPHA
Rachel Price THE EQUATORIAL
r
JAM FOREVER GETTING COMPLIMENTS on my spotless complexion, but let me tell you a little secret. It takes more work than anything in this world to keep yourself �well preserved.
Jeez oh man, nothing like turning fifty to make you feel a hundred years old. Not that I was about to put candles on a cake and burn the place down. I got through that day without telling a soul. Now I've closed the bar and here I sit with my Lucky Strike and my sandal hanging off my toe and I can always look back on it as just one more day like any other. But it sure gives you something to compensate upon.
Did I ever think I would wind up here getting old? Not on your life. But here I am. I've walked off more marriages and close calls than you can shake a stick at, but never got out of the Dark Continent. I have settled down here and gotten to be such a. stick-in-the-mud I don't even like to go out! Last week I was forced to drive down to Brazzaville for the liquor order because I honestly could not find a driver trustworthy to come back with the liquor and car in one piece, but there was a flood on the way and two trees across the road, and when I finally got back here I kissed the floor of the bar. I did, I swear. Mostly I kissed it for still being there, since I still expect every plank of this place to be carried off by ray own help during my absence. But so far, so good.
At least I can say that I'm a person who can look around and see what she's accomplished in this world. Not to boast, hut I have created my own domain. I call the shots. There may be a few little faults in the plumbing and minor discrepancies among the staff, but I'm very confident of my service. I have a little sign in every room telling guests they are expected to complain at the office between
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the hours of nine and eleven A.M. daily. And do I hear a peep? No. I run a tight ship. That is one thing I have to be proud of. And number two, I'm making a killing. Three, there's no time to get lonely. Like I said, same old face in the mirror, fifty years old and she doesn't look a day over ninety. Ha, ha.
Do I ever think about the life I missed in the good old U.S.A.?
Practically every day, would be my answer. Oh, goodness, the parties, the cars, the music�the whole carefree American way of life. I've
missed being a part of something you could really believe in. When we finally got TV here, for a long while they ran Dick Clark and the American Bandstand every afternoon at four o'clock. I'd lock up the bar, make myself a double Singapore Sling, settle down "with a paper fan and practically swoon with grief. I know how to do those hairstyles. I really could have been something in America.
Then why not go back? Well, now it's too late, of course. I have responsibilities. First there was one husband and then another to tie me down, and then the Equatorial, which isn't just a hotel, it's like running a whole little country, where everybody wants to run off with a piece for themselves the minute you turn your back. The very idea of my things being scattered over hill and down dale through the jungle, my expensive French pressure cooker all charred to tarnation boiling manioc over some stinky fire, and my nice chrome countertops ending up as the roof of somebody's shack? No thank you! I can't bear the thought. You make something, seems like, and spend the rest of your days toiling so it won't go all unraveled. One thing leads to another, then you're mired in.
Years ago, when things first started going sour with Axelroot, that was probably when I should have gone home. I didn't have anything invested in Africa yet but a little old apartment boudoir decorated to the best of my abilities in blush pink. Right then I could have tried to talk him into moving back to Texas, where he supposedly had some kind of ties, according to his passport, which turned out to be almost entirely false. Better yet, I could have gone by myself. Hell's bells! I could have sashayed out the door without so
SONG OF THE THREE CHILDREN
much as a howdy-do, since technically speaking we were only married in the Biblical sense. Even back then I knew some gentlemen in high places that could have helped me scrounge up the plane fare, and then before you could say Jack Robinson Crusoe I'd have been back in Bethlehem, sharing a shack with Mother and Adah with my tail between my legs. Oh, sure, I'd have to lear them say I told you so about Axelroot. But I have swallowed my pride before, that's for sure. I've done it so many times I am practically lined with my mistakes on the inside like a bad-wallpapered bathroom.
I had my bags packed more than once. But when push came to shove I was always afraid. Of "what? Well, it's hard to explain. Scared I wouldn't be able to fit back in is the long and short of it. I "was only nineteen or twenty at that time. My high school friends would still have been "whining over boyfriends and fighting for carhop jobs at the A&W Their idea of a dog-eat-dog world was Beauty School. And now here comes Rachel "with stained hair and one dead sister and a whole darn marriage behind her already, not to mention hell and high water. Not to mention the Congo. My long tramp through the mud left me tuckered out and just too worldly- wise to go along with the teen scene.
"What "was it like over there?" I could just heir them asking. What would I say? "Well, the ants nearly ate us alive. Everybody we knew kept turning up dead of one disease and anotker.The babies all got diarrhea and plumb dried up. When we got hungry we'd go shoot animals and strip off their hides."
Let's face it, I could never have been popular again at home. The people I'd always chummed around with "would stcj speaking to you if they so much as suspected you'd ever gone joo behind a bush. If I wanted to fit in I'd have to pretend, and t'm no good at play-acting. Leah could always do that � she'd take the high road to please Father, or her teachers, or God, or maybe just to prove she could do it. And Adah of course play-acted at not talking for years and years, merely to be ornery. But if it was me, I'd iie^er remember who I was trying to be. Before the day was out I'd forget, and blurt out my own true feelings.
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SONG OF THE THREE CHILDREN
515
This is off the subject but do you know who I always really felt for? Those soldier boys that went back to the States after Vietnam. I read about that. Everybody was crying, "Peace, brother! "And here they'd been in the jungle watching fungus eat up the dead bodies. I know just how they felt.
Personally, I didn't need that. I'm the type of person where you just never look back. And I have become a success in my own right. I've had opportunities as a woman of the -world. An ambassador's wife�imagine that! Those girls back in Bethlehem must be getting old and gray, still loading their Maytags and running after their kids or even grandkids by now and still -wishing they were Brigitte Bar-dot, whereas I have actually been in the Foreign Service.
I never was able to have children. That is one thing I do regret. I have had very bad female problems on account of an infection I contracted from Eeben Axelroot. Like I said, I paid my price with him.
There is never a dull moment here at the Equatorial, though. Who needs children when you have monkeys rushing into the dining room to steal the very food off your guests' plates! This has happened on more than one occasion. Among the variety of animals I keep in cages in the garden I have four monkeys and a bat-eared fox that will escape on the slightest pretense from the boy who cleans out the cages. Into the restaurant they'll run screaming, the poor fox running for his life but the monkeys all too easily diverted by the sight of some fresh fruit. They'll even pause to grab a bottle of beer and drink it down! One time I returned from a trip to the market to find my two vervet monkeys, Princess Grace and General Mills, teetering drunk on a table while a group of German coffee-plantation owners sang "Roll Out the Barrel!" Well, I'll tell you. I tolerate just about any kind of good times my guests wish to have, since that's how we keep our heads above the water in this business. But I made those German gentlemen pay for the damage.
Every so often a group of fellows will stop by in the afternoon on a sightseeing tour, and receive a mistaken impression of my establishment. This only happens with newcomers who are unfamiliar with the Equatorial. They take one look at me stretched out
by the pool with all the keys on a chain around my neck, and one look at my pretty young cooks and chambermaids on their afternoon break, lounging against the patio wall between tie geraniums. And guess what: they'll take me for the madam of a whorehouse! Believe you me, I give them a piece of my mind. If tliis looks like a house of prostitution to you, I tell them, that just shows the quality of your own moral fiber.
I have to admit, though, it's funny in a certain way. I am no longer as young as I might have been, but if I do say so, I have never let myself go. I guess I should be flattered if some fellow peeks around the garden wall and thinks he spies Je/ebel. Oh, if Father could see me now, wouldn't he give me The Verse!
I'm afraid all those childhood lessons in holiness slid off me like hot butter off the griddle. I sometimes wonder if dear old Dad is turning in his grave (or whatever he's in). I'm sure he expected me to grow up as a nice church lady with cute little hits, organizing good deeds. But sometimes life doesn't give you all that many chances at being good. Not here, anyway. Even Fatliei learned that one the hard way. He came on strong, thinking he'd save the children, and what does he do but lose his own? That's the lesson, right there. If you take a bunch of practically grown, red-blooded daughters to Africa, don't you think at least some of them are going to marry or what have you, and end up staying? You can't just sashay into the jungle aiming to change it all over to the Christian style, without expecting the jungle to change you right back. Oh, I see it time and again with the gentlemen who come through here on business. Some fellow thinks he's going to be the nia.sr.er of Africa and winds up with his nice European-tailored suit rumpled in a corner and his wits half cracked from the filaires itching under his skin. If it was as easy as they thought it was going to IK, why, they'd be done by now, and Africa would look just like America with more palm trees. Instead, most of it still looks exactly how it did a zillion years ago. Whereas, if you think about it, the Africans are running all over America right now, having riots for their civil rights and predominating the sports and popular-music industries.
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From the very first moment I set foot in the Congo, I could see we were not in char
ge. We got swept up with those people that took us to the church for all their half-naked dancing and goat meat with the hair still on, and I said to myself: this little trip is going to be the ruin of the Price family as we know it. And, boy, was it ever. Father's mistake, see, was to try to convert the whole entire shebang over into just his exact way of thinking. He always said, "Girls, you choose your path and stick to it and suffer your consequences!" Well. If he's finally dead now and laid to rest in some African voodoo cemetery, or worse yet eaten up by the wild animals, well, amen. I guess that is about as consequential as it gets.
The way I see Africa, you don't have to like it but you sure have to admit it's out there. You have your way of thinking and it has its, and never the train ye shall meet! You just don't let it influence your mind. If there's ugly things going on out there, well, you put a good stout lock on your door and check it twice before you go to sleep. You focus on getting your own one little place set up perfect, as I have done, and you'll see. Other people's worries do not necessarily have to drag you down.
,i I amaze myself sometimes at what I have personally been through and still remain in one piece. Sometimes I really do think I owe the secret of my success to that little book I read long ago called How to Survive 101 Calamities. Simple remedies for dire situations, that's the lesson. In a falling elevator, try to climb up on the person nearby so their body will cushion your landing. Or in a crowded theater when everybody's hightailing it for the fire exit, stick your elbows hard into the ribs of your neighbors to wedge yourself in, then pick up your feet so you won't get trampled. That is how people frequently lose their lives in a riot: somebody steps on your heel, then walks right up till you're flat and they're standing on you. That's what you get for trying to stand on your own two feet�you end up getting crushed!
So that's my advice. Let others do the pushing and shoving, and you just ride along. In the end, the neck you save will be your own. Perhaps I sound un-Christian, but let's face it, when I step outside
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