It might have made me sound like a dick, but when I looked at her, I felt absolutely nothing. Not one iota of a thing. I mean, I didn’t wish ill upon her. But I didn’t feel warmth or tenderness or any of the things I probably was supposed to feel.
She turned to face me, tossing her long blonde hair over her shoulder. “Who’s this?”
Oh, okay, there was the Megan I knew and didn’t enjoy. “Violet,” Violet replied before I could answer. I didn’t think I would have answered. “Who are you?”
Oh, shit. Of all the things Violet could have said to her, that was definitely the worst one. Megan didn’t like to not be known. And I knew, in her eyes, Violet’s innocent question was a slight to her.
“Oh, you’re Megan.” Megan’s back straightened, her eyebrow lifting as if she had a reputation that preceded her. As if I’d talked about her. But then Violet waggled a finger at her nametag. “Says your name’s Megan right there.”
Megan pursed her lips in disappointment and ignored Violet. “I see you moved on quickly.”
I resisted the temptation to laugh at her. “First of all, it’s not like that.”
“Because it’s ‘not like that’ with anyone.” She cocked her head to the side like she was considering which way to gut me. As if she could. “Not even me.”
“You’re right.” I stared at the keypad, waiting for it to read Approved on the little screen. We were the only people in Megan’s line, so she wasn’t in any kind of hurry to press any little buttons on her side of this transaction. So I had to stare at Waiting while Megan took her time torturing me.
“You’re such an asshole,” she huffed under her breath so that no one nearby could hear. I had to give it to her, even when she was at work, she could call me out and still maintain some semblance of professionalism.
“That’s why we’re not together, if I’m not wrong.” I tapped my foot impatiently, hoping Violet was distracted by something—anything else. “Is there something wrong with my card?” I asked, in an attempt to encourage this along.
“He’s not a nice guy,” she said to Violet conspiratorially.
“He’s nice to me,” Violet deadpanned. “Is your machine down or something? I thought those things moved faster.”
Megan stabbed a button on her side with impressive force, which triggered an Approved message across my screen. Hallelujah.
“You broke up with me, remember?” I told her as I held my hand out for my receipt.
“And I’d do it again in a heartbeat.” She slowly curled the receipt around her finger, taking her damn time to give it to me.
I was surprised that I dated her for six months and felt abso-fucking-lutely nothing for her. And I wasn’t going to play her games. “Okay. So, what are we doing here then?” I turned to Violet and grabbed the handle of the cart, not giving a shit about my fucking receipt as I steered us out of the store.
“I think she was going to hold your receipt hostage until you kissed her feet in apology for whatever you did,” Violet remarked as we climbed into the pickup.
“I don’t doubt it.”
“I take it she’s an ex?”
“My most recent one. When she broke up with me, she gave me the whole, ‘We live in a small town’ reminder, like we were going to inevitably and frequently run into one another and she didn’t want me to make it awkward when we did.” I turned the key in the ignition.
“Funny, because she is the one who seems bothered by that.”
“Exactly.” I backed out of the parking space and made my way across town. “Hey,” I said. “Can we keep that whole deal between us?”
“Yeah. But why?”
I rubbed a hand over the back of my neck. Navy seemed insecure about Megan as it was. I didn’t want Violet telling her I’d run into her and making it a bigger deal than it was. “Your big sister doesn’t like Megan,” I said, though it wasn’t the whole truth. “Just easier not talking about her.”
“How are we going to explain the hair dye then?”
“We could say you texted me a photo of a color you’d chosen online?”
“That works,” she said.
“Thanks for backing me up there, by the way. Appreciate it.”
“I didn’t say much.”
“You said enough. I’m not sure I would’ve gotten out there with all my organs intact if you weren’t with me.”
“Okay, well, you can pay me back for keeping your spleen by buying me a burrito.”
It was a fair deal, all around.
18
NAVY
By the time I walked through the door of my aunt’s house on Friday night, I felt so dragged down that even lifting my feet was a chore. It had been two long days since I’d left Violet’s doctor appointment, and Delilah had called out of all her shifts since then—leaving Roger and me alone to cover morning and night. He might have been a pain in the ass sometimes, but at least I could count on him to fill in in an emergency.
I was so rundown in fact, that I’d debated canceling on Hollis. I hadn’t seen her in what felt like ages, but I just didn’t have the mental stamina for much besides sleep. The store wasn’t necessarily grueling work, but between the store and Violet and my other two sisters, I was feeling stretched thin.
But I wasn’t the friend who bailed—not usually, at least—so I texted Hollis letting her know I was home and managed to pull something together for dinner for myself. Rose was still eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich when I arrived, and Jade was shot gunning potato chips right from a bag.
“What else did you eat?” I asked as I ate the overcooked scrambled eggs I’d prepared for myself. I would need to bake some snacks prior to Hollis’s arrival, but for now I was focused on refueling.
“A steak,” Jade said around a mouthful of crunched chips. I recognized the sarcasm despite the full mouth.
“Do you want eggs or something? Or I’m sure we have some chicken breasts in the freezer that could be tossed in the oven, if you’d prefer.”
“Nah.” Jade crumpled the bag and abandoned it on the counter as she poured herself a glass of water. “I’m not that hungry. Pretty tired, actually. Probably going to go to bed early.”
If I hadn’t been wholly exhausted, I might have found that suspicious. But my focus was mostly on the potato chips and the water mess she made all over the counter. As Jade moved toward the staircase, I called her back. “Can you please pick up your chips and water?”
Jade made an annoyed sound in the back of her throat but returned to the kitchen, crumpling the bag some more before she shoved it in the back of the pantry. She rubbed a rag over the water and then bowed. “Anything else I can do for you, your highness?”
I knew I was tired, because I didn’t even have the energy to entertain her remarks. I ignored her, focusing on the black pepper flecks in my eggs instead.
“She’s probably on her period,” Rose said after Jade’s bedroom door slammed upstairs. “She’s been a bitch to me today too.”
“Language,” I said mildly. “And aren’t you guys synced?”
“Not for a while. Jade got on birth control.”
My fork paused in midair as I’d lifted it toward my mouth. “What?”
Rose shifted in her seat. “A couple months ago. Auntie found some condoms in the bathroom. She put her on birth control.” Rose peeled the crust off of her bread and dropped it on her plate. “Said we didn’t need any more babies in the family.”
I placed the bite of egg in my mouth and swallowed it. Though it was soft, it went down like lead. “Oh yeah?” My aunt hadn’t mentioned birth control to me, which made me feel like I was missing so much ever since I’d moved out and started my own life.
“Yeah. And, in case you’re wondering—I’m not going around having sex.”
“Okay.” I took another bite and swallowed. “But if you decide you want to, you can talk to me about it. Okay?”
Rose must have recognized the tiny bit of hurt I felt at Jade not having included m
e in her decision because she replied, “If it makes you feel any better, Jade didn’t tell me she was having sex either. I didn’t even notice condoms in the bathroom.” She shrugged and chewed a bite thoughtfully. “She’s been kind of acting out.”
I smiled as if I hadn’t noticed. “She’s a teenager. She’s allowed. So are you. But you guys have to respect Auntie. She’s been through enough with all four of us.”
“You don’t need to tell me. I’m not the bitch.”
I sighed.
“Yeah, I know. ‘Language.’ But she has been acting like one. Probably the hormones from her birth control.”
“Probably.”
“Navy?”
I lifted my head. “Yeah?”
“Even though I’m younger than you, you can talk to me about stuff too. It doesn’t always have to be so one-sided.”
“Thanks,” I said. “But I’m okay.”
“Are you sure?”
I paused. “I’m just tired,” I said. I finished my eggs and rinsed my plate off. “Hollis is coming over for a few hours. We’re probably just going to watch movies in the living room. You can join us if you want.”
Rose shook her head. “I’m pretty tired too, but thanks. We have to wake up early for camping tomorrow anyway,” she reminded me.
“That’s right.” At least that’d be a load off for a few days.
Rose cleaned up her mess and put her plate in the dishwasher. “Tell Hollis I said hi.”
She went off to her room, and I washed my face, needing to remove the layers of dust I felt like I wore. Inventory was done every summer in advance of school starting in August and the influx of instruments that were bought at the beginning of the school year. Which meant the next few weeks would be filled with dusting off instruments that hadn’t seen the light of day since the fall and deciding what to order to replenish our stock in time.
Consequently, I reeked of dust every day after work until inventory was completed. As the only supplier of musical instruments in the area, we were incredibly busy every fall—so busy that my aunt would need to hire more help. Which was a blessing, considering how flakey Delilah had been lately.
When Hollis arrived, I’d just pulled some quick mozzarella sticks out of the oven. She looked good, color in her face and her cheeks. Her eyes were bright.
Damn, it’d only been a couple weeks since we’d last spent in-person time together, but it felt like an entire lifetime ago. I gave her a big hug and squeezed her hands when we separated. “You look amazing,” I told her, leading her into the living room where the rest of the snacks were. “Like you just got home from a beach.”
“Adam had a show in California. I flew out for a whole twenty-four hours and laid on the beach for most of it.”
“Wow,” I said. Hollis was probably the most practical person I’d ever met. The idea that she’d flown to California for just twenty-four hours with her boyfriend surprised me. Two years ago, I never would have seen that kind of spontaneity from her. It was good to see her spreading her wings, doing more for herself. “Next time, take me with you.” I dramatically collapsed onto the couch, and my head fell back against the cushions.
“Definitely.” She set her purse and the grocery bag she’d brought with her down. “We have a lot of catching up to do, I think.”
I nodded solemnly. “Do you happen to have wine in that bag? I think I’m going to need some. Or, maybe all of it.”
“Oh, that bad?” Hollis produced a bottle from the grocery bag. “I even got the twist off kind this time.”
“My hero,” I said faintly, like I was parched. She poured the wine into the two glasses I’d set on the coffee table and then handed me one.
“Drink up and tell me what’s going on.”
“I need some noise on, so the twins don’t hear.”
“I’ve got a movie!” Hollis produced a DVD from her purse and put it in the player. After a look toward the stairs, I turned up the volume and turned to her. But my words didn’t come, not even after I’d properly lubricated my throat with wine.
“Come on, what’s going on? You can tell me anything.”
So, I did just that, confiding in her about first my sister, and then what had happened with Keane. After I had fully unloaded, Hollis refilled our glasses and sat back quietly against the cushions.
“That’s…”
“A lot,” I murmured, the wine glass pressed to my bottom lip so that I only had to slightly lift my hand to pour wine into my mouth.
“Yeah, you can say that again.”
“I don’t think I can,” I said, turning so I rested my head against the couch as I faced her. “I’m so tired, Hollis. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so stretched thin in my life.”
“Well, let’s start with the Violet stuff.” She took a healthy sip. “It’s good that you’re letting Keane help. You can’t do all of this alone. She could have stayed with me…”
“But the apartment is in my name. And, besides, I think she’s closer to Keane—no offense.”
“None taken.” She shook her head. “You and Keane spend so much time together, he practically grew up with your sisters. Which is why the whole thing between you and him is—”
“Shocking,” I supplied.
“Uh… no. That’s not the word I would have chosen.”
“It’s not shocking?” I asked, surprised.
“To be honest, the only shocking thing about it is the fact that it hasn’t happened sooner.” She raised an eyebrow. “I know you guys do the platonic thing, but no one does the platonic thing like you two. You cuddle and snuggle and you sit on his lap. For a long time, I thought maybe something had happened and you didn’t want to talk about it.”
“Well, technically something happened two weeks ago, and I didn’t want to talk about it right away.”
“I’m talking all the way back to high school. Like even when you told him you liked him. It was as if that didn’t change anything between you. You were still the cuddle bugs you’d always been.”
“I don’t think telling him I liked him changed anything for him. But having sex with him definitely did. For both of us.” I drained my glass and Hollis began opening the second bottle. “And now things are weird, and I don’t know how to get back to how we were before.”
“Hate to break it to you sunshine, but you’re not going to get back to before.” I opened my mouth in protest and she shook her head at me. “Telling him you have a crush on him is one thing. Having sex with him is another. The crush thing only affected you, right?”
I nodded. “I mean, it did, but it didn’t.”
“How?”
Thinking this much was hard, but only I knew how I’d felt after that night I’d admitted my feelings. “I think, in some ways, it made me close a door I’d kept wedged open. Like, there was always this thing, telling me we could be more if only I said something. And when I did say something, and it didn’t land the way I’d wanted it to, I shoved all of that behind a door and closed it. But I couldn’t totally board it up.” I twisted the stem in my hands. “And when I was confronted with his first few girlfriends in high school, it was like that door opened on its own volition all the time—like it was blown open by the wind. But all that brought me was hurt—through no real fault of Keane.”
“Did he ever ask you about that crush later on?”
I snorted. “Thank God, no. Not that I would’ve admitted it had hurt anyway.”
“Hm…” Hollis stared into her wine glass.
“What’s that ‘hm’ for? What do you mean by that?”
“He was your best friend, but you didn’t tell him that seeing him with girls bugged you?”
“No. No way. How humiliating would that have been, telling him that I hadn’t completely been able to block my heart to him?”
“So you kept him distant then, emotionally?”
“It was the only way to really keep that to myself.”
“And so, after the sex, how’s that door faring n
ow?”
I could visualize that door in my mind: heavily battered and dinged up from years of shoving it shut. But the problem was, the door wasn’t there anymore. “Now, it’s just a doorway. I don’t think the door is even in its general vicinity.” I shook my head. “But it’s just sex, sex isn’t deep and emotional.”
“It is for you. And when it’s sex with someone you care about, someone you… love.” She tiptoed over the word. “That’s different.”
“Ugh,” I groaned, dropping my face into one of my hands. “What am I going to do?”
“He’s your best friend. You know him probably better than anyone else. Surely, you can figure out a way to talk to him about this.”
“You’d think so, but I’m both too afraid to talk to him about it and also not sure what to even say.”
“You do this. ‘Hey, Keane, so remember how I told you I had a crush on you in high school? Well, since we had sex, things are weird because I’m realizing that those feelings never really went away and I’m still in love with you.’”
My stomach churned. “I don’t know if that’s true.”
“Hey, you can’t lie to me. I can see it on your face. You’re heartsick. He’s your person. Not just as a friend.”
“But he said we were better as friends—”
“Yeah, and you didn’t argue. I’m not saying you should have—but he told you that when he couldn’t even legally drive a car. Things have changed a lot since then.”
“But in some ways, things have stayed the same. Whatever courage I had back then? Well, I definitely don’t possess it now.”
“Are you listening to yourself right now?”
“I think so,” I mumbled and sipped the glass Hollis had blessedly refilled. “But it’s been a long week, maybe I don’t even know what I’m saying.”
“You’re fraying at the ends. We don’t have to talk a game plan for this, but I really think you and Keane to have a talk.”
“I’m just not sure what it would accomplish. He’s not exactly trying to settle down, as you well know. And I’ve got a lot of baggage.”
One Big Mistake: a friends to lovers rom-com Page 19
