Nicole had bought each of them a burgundy turtleneck jumper, some puzzle books and one of those pocket computer games, but they spent all day playing with the rabbit. I was a bit uncomfortable about that. I caught Nicole looking at me once or twice, but she didn’t say anything. She looked disapprovingly at the rabbit as the children played with it. I tried to get them to play with the things Nicole had bought them, but she stopped me, saying, ‘Let them play with Cloudy if they want to. They can play with my stuff any time.’
I do hope Nicole didn’t feel too badly. That certainly wasn’t my intention.
Well, that’s Christmas Day over. All in all it hasn’t been too bad.
30 December
Chaos reigned in the house this morning. For some reason, Cloudy bit Julian. I think Julian was more scared than seriously hurt, but he was crying and Judy was crying and their mother was panicking like a good ’un. Nicole kept insisting that she should take Julian to the local hospital for a tetanus injection. Have you ever heard the like? For a little rabbit nip!
‘That rabbit is dangerous!’ she shouted. ‘It ought to be put down.’
I didn’t mean to but I laughed in her face. Anyone would think we were talking about a ten-ton Rottweiler, not a two-pound rabbit. In the end I lent her my car and she drove Julian to the hospital. Judy insisted on being with her brother, of course. I was alone in the house of the first time since Christmas Eve. For the first ten minutes I cherished the peace and quiet, but after that I just wanted them all back. I missed them terribly. They have only been in my life for a few months, but already it feels like they’ve always been here. I just wish that Nicole and I had been closer when she was younger. Then Judy and Julian would’ve been a part of my life from the time they were born. When I think of what I missed, I feel a kind of ache inside. But then I think of all the future years we’ll have together and that’s enough to make me smile with contentment.
31 December
When I went down to breakfast this morning, Nicole and the twins were already in the kitchen. They weren’t exactly whispering, but their voices were very low. They went silent the moment they realized I was in the room.
‘Mum … I’ve got some bad news,’ Nicole said slowly.
‘What is it?’ My heart started to beat faster.
Please, God, don’t let them leave, not now I’ve found them.
‘It’s … it’s just that … Cloudy is dead,’ said Nicole. ‘I came downstairs this morning and she was lying on her side in the cage. I don’t know what she died of …’
Relief washed through me, followed by a backwash of guilt. Cloudy’s death didn’t begin to compare with losing my family. I looked Julian and Judy.
‘Are you two all right?’ I asked.
They nodded.
‘But our rabbit is dead,’ sniffed Judy.
‘Never mind. I’ll get you another one. We’ll pick it out next week, as soon as the pet shop is open,’ I said.
‘Promise, Nan?’ Julian said.
‘Promise.’ With a smile, I crossed my heart and hoped to die.
Luckily it seemed that the twins hadn’t grown too attached to Cloudy in the few days they’d had her.
I looked at Nicole. To my surprise, she lowered her gaze and turned away from me. I hadn’t seen that look in a long, long time but I still recognized it. She was hiding something.
‘Where’s Cloudy now?’ I asked.
‘In the garden,’ Nicole said. ‘I thought we should bury her.’
‘Yes please.’
‘Oh let’s.’
The twins hopped up and down with excitement.
‘You two got over your grief quickly.’ I frowned.
‘Well, Cloudy is dead now …’ Judy said very seriously.
‘And we can’t bring her back.’ Julian shook his head.
‘She was dead when we came downstairs for our breakfast. Wasn’t she, Julian?’ Judy asked her brother.
Julian nodded.
I looked at Nicole. She was glaring at her children, her face set. Sometimes Nicole is too hard on them. I must admit, I did think it was a bit gruesome of them to be so eager to see Cloudy buried, but children bounce back so quickly, don’t they? And besides, they’ve probably never seen anything buried before. Poor Cloudy. I wonder what happened to her?
Nicole took me to one side later on in the day and asked me not to buy another rabbit. God forgive me, but sometimes I can’t help thinking that she can’t stand to see her children happy. She’s always watching them. She doesn’t even trust me enough to let me look after them for more than a couple of hours at a time.
I placed the diary, face down, on my lap. I reached for the next one. A big, black leather-bound diary that had been a present from my work colleagues when I’d taken early retirement. This diary would be the most damning of all. All last year’s secrets were contained within its pages – secrets which I had written out but which, paradoxically, I’d been unaware of – until now.
23 December
I just had to give it to them today. Besides, a puppy isn’t like a rabbit. I couldn’t hide it in a box under the sink until Christmas Day. So as soon as Julian and Judy had come downstairs for their breakfast, I told them what I’d bought them.
‘OK, you two,’ I began. ‘You remember what happened to Cloudy last year?’
‘Cloudy?’ Julian frowned.
‘The rabbit I bought you,’ I reminded him.
Their memories sure were short!
Judy and Julian looked at each other before turning back to me and nodding slowly.
‘Well, because of what happened last year, I decided to get you another pet. So I bought you a certain something that’s out in the garden shed,’ I said.
‘Can we get it now?’ Judy asked excitedly.
‘After your breakfast,’ I told her. ‘And that’s not an excuse for gobbling down your food.’
Ignoring me completely, the twins were halfway through wolfing down their scrambled eggs and beans on toast when Nicole ambled into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes.
‘Good morning, Nicole. And many happy returns,’ I said.
‘Mum, Mum, guess what? Nan’s bought us a pet for Christmas,’ said Julian.
‘Only we can have it now,’ Judy added.
Nicole stared at me.
‘Is something wrong?’ I frowned.
‘You didn’t … tell me you didn’t get them another pet,’ said Nicole sombrely.
Shocked at her tone, I stared at her. ‘What’s the matter?’ I asked. ‘It’s only a puppy.’
‘A puppy. Hooray!’ the twins shouted. They stood up, their breakfast forgotten, and headed for the back door.
‘You two aren’t to go out there until you’re dressed warmly and wearing your wellies,’ I said. ‘It’s freezing outside.’
They rushed up the stairs.
‘I wish you hadn’t, Mum,’ Nicole said quietly.
‘Why ever not?’
‘I don’t want this puppy to end up the way the rabbit did,’ Nicole replied.
I stared at her. ‘Why on earth should it?’
Nicole opened her mouth, only to close it again without saying a word. She pursed her lips as she looked at me.
‘Nicole?’ I said uncertainly. ‘Is there something wrong?’
Nicole shook her head slowly.
‘Oh, before I forget,’ I said, ‘I didn’t have a chance to buy you a birthday present. What would you like?’
‘You don’t have to get me anything,’ Nicole said.
‘I know I don’t have to. I want to.’ I smiled.
Silence.
‘Do you know what I’d like? What I’d really like?’ Nicole said at last.
‘Tell me.’
‘I’d like my photograph on the windowsill. Just one photograph with me in it.’ The words were choked with bitterness.
I stared at her. I started to protest … then I realized she was right. All the photos on my sacred windowsill, and she wasn’t in one.
> ‘You’d love it if I was really out of the picture, wouldn’t you? Julian and Judith can stay, of course, but me? I could go to hell for all you care. All my life I’ve been waiting for you to love me. And then I realized I was aiming too high. So I thought I could settle for you just liking me. But I’m nothing to you, am I? Just the anonymous woman who gave you your precious grandchildren.’
Shocked, I struggled to get the words out. What words? Any words. Any words that would let her know just how wrong she was. I might have felt like that a long time ago, but not now.
But I couldn’t speak. The words were a frenetic jumble in my head.
‘Nan, are you and Mum not friends any more?’ Judy asked from the door.
I hadn’t even heard them come down the stairs.
‘Of course we are.’ I forced a smile onto my lips. ‘Your mum and me just have a few things to sort out, that’s all. Now off you go and play with your puppy.’
Julian and Judy slowly left the room, casting backward glances at us as they left.
‘Nicole, you’re wrong—’ I began.
‘Mum, I don’t want to talk about it.’ Nicole sighed, heading for the door herself. ‘I just wish you hadn’t got them another pet without consulting me first.’
And I thought Nicole and I had been doing so well recently. I’ll have to do something to put us on a better footing. She’s so wrong though. I do care for her. She forgets – or maybe she just doesn’t know that I’m still learning too.
Well, Nicole and the twins will have the house to themselves on Boxing Day. I’m spending the day with my friend Rebecca, who lives in Oxford. It’s quite a drive so I’ll have to set off early. I think maybe I’ve been crowding Nicole by always being underfoot. It struck me a while ago that if she wants to be alone with the twins then she has to leave the house with them, now that I no longer work. I’ll have to watch that next year. It will be one of my New Year’s resolutions. I will give Nicole more time alone with her children. I have to remember that they’re her children, not mine. Maybe I’m trying to make it up to Nicole through them.
I think about that sort of thing a lot these days. The whys and wherefores of the past. Nicole and I still aren’t close. I guess we’ll never be. That saddens me. I do care about her, really I do. And what I feel has nothing to do with Julian and Judy. I just find that sort of thing very hard to say. I never had any trouble saying those things to Alex, so why do I find it so difficult to let Nicole know how much I care about her? If Alex was still alive, maybe Nicole and I would be closer. He would have stopped me making so many mistakes.
God! I’m going to worry myself into an early grave if I carry on like this.
27 December
The puppy is dead. I can’t believe it. First Cloudy, then Joey. When I tucked Julian up in bed tonight, he was still crying. I got back from Rebecca’s house this morning, and even before she said hello, Nicole told me that Joey was dead and that she’d already buried him.
‘What did he die of?’ I asked.
‘He just died,’ Nicole told me, storming out of the room.
He just died? What does that mean? I couldn’t get much out of Julian or Judy either. They were too upset at Joey’s death.
Judy did say something that made me think though. She said, ‘Mum was really angry with Joey.’
‘Why?’ I asked.
‘’Cause you bought him for us,’ she replied.
‘That’s why she was mad at our rabbit,’ Julian said.
And then they both nodded up at me several times.
I can’t believe … Does Nicole really hate me so much that she would kill a rabbit and a puppy? Just to get back at me?
I won’t believe it. The twins do have very active imaginations. I’m sure that there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for Joey’s death. I just wish I knew what it was.
So the clues were there. All the time. They were glaringly obvious. I turned the diary over and placed it on the floor. I should’ve noticed them, I should’ve realized. Then maybe I could have foreseen what was going to happen. It was all my fault. I should’ve prevented it. I picked up my latest diary. My last diary. This year’s diary.
22 December
This evening I did the one thing I swore I’d never do. I quarrelled with Nicole about the twins. And what’s more, Judy and Julian were there, listening to every word. It all started over something so stupid. We sat down to a late dinner because Nicole came back home late from her office. She said she’d gone round to the pub for a quick drink with her colleagues. From the smell of her breath, I thought a quick half-dozen was closer to the mark. Then Julian asked me what I was getting them for Christmas.
‘Can we have another pet, Nan?’
‘A cat this time,’ Judy piped up.
‘You two aren’t having any more pets. Not while I have anything to do with it.’ Nicole leaped in before I had a chance to open my mouth.
‘But you don’t have to buy it for us, Mum. Nan could buy it for us,’ Julian said.
‘Oh no she couldn’t. You’re not having a pet and that’s final,’ Nicole said.
‘Nicole, I don’t mind—’
‘I said no!’ Nicole shouted.
‘Don’t take that tone with me. I’m not one of your children.’ I frowned.
‘Thank God! What would I do with three of you? Two children are two too many.’
‘Nicole!’
‘Don’t “Nicole” me, Mum. You don’t know the half of what I’ve been through. You think the twins are so sweet and innocent? Well, I could tell you a thing or two …’
‘Nicole, you don’t know what you’re saying,’ I said icily.
‘Mum, please …’ Judy began.
‘Please what? Please don’t tell your nan what you two are really like …?’
Nicole’s words were getting faster and more slurred now.
‘Nicole, I think you should go and lie down.’ I tried – and failed – to keep the censure out of my voice.
‘Lie down? I don’t need to lie down. I should have guessed you’d take their side. Nothing changes. They’re always right and I’m always wrong.’
‘That’s not true. You’re being ridiculous,’ I said.
‘Of course it’s true. Well, I’ve got a little secret for you, Mum—’
‘Mum, don’t …’ Julian was crying.
‘No, Mum …’ Judy ran to Nicole and tried to take her hand. Nicole pushed her away – hard.
‘And the little secret is …’ Nicole’s laugh turned into a hic. ‘Prepare yourself, Mum – the sun does not shine out of your grandchildren’s backsides.’
‘I’m not listening to any more of this.’ I stood up, absolutely disgusted.
Nicole leaped to her feet so quickly her chair toppled over behind her. ‘Mum, you must listen to me. Julian and Judith …’ Even from where I stood, I could see that she was shaking. ‘Those two … they’re the devil’s children …’
I’d had enough. I marched round the table and slapped Nicole hard. It was only the second time I’d ever laid a hand on her. The first time I didn’t mean to. This time I did.
‘You deserve to burn in hell for saying such wicked, wicked things,’ I told her. ‘Julian, Judy, go to your room – now. And as for you, Nicole, I suggest you stay down here and sober up.’
I ushered my grandchildren out of the room.
I really don’t know what got into Nicole tonight. Judith and Julian were almost hysterical. It took me ages to calm them down. I can’t help feeling that in some way I’m responsible for Nicole’s behaviour. She still sees me the way I used to be – not the way I am. She holds onto the past so tightly that I despair of ever getting her to see I’ve changed. I know my grandchildren aren’t perfect – they have their moods just like everyone else. And I know I spoil them. But to call them the devil’s children …
Nicole has just slammed out of the house.
I hope she realizes just what she said and makes amends to the twins. How could their o
wn mother say something like that? I never thought of Nicole as the devil’s child – not even when she was born – much less said it to her face. I can’t understand why she would say something like that. I’m trying not to condemn her; after all, who am I to judge? I never exactly won any cups for being the world’s greatest mother.
In a way I’m glad I’m driving to see Rebecca on Christmas Eve. I think both Nicole and I could use a break from each other. When I get back on Christmas Day, the dust should have settled. Things are always better on Christmas Day.
I laughed bitterly at the last sentence I’d written. I glanced down at my watch. Christmas Day was nearly over. There came a knock at the bedroom door.
‘Nan, aren’t you going to make us our hot chocolate?’
Julian and Judith stood just inside the bedroom. I smiled. They really did look like two angels. So calm, so serene.
‘Of course I am, darlings. Back to bed and I’ll bring it up for you,’ I said as I got to my feet.
‘We’re glad you’re our nan,’ Julian said. ‘Aren’t we, Judy?’
Judith nodded enthusiastically.
‘And I’m glad you’re my grandchildren. Now back to bed, you rascals.’ I forced a laugh.
God, I loved them so much. I’d do anything for them.
The twins ran back to their own room. I followed them, watching as they climbed into their bunk beds.
‘Count to two hundred and I’ll be here,’ I told them, before closing their bedroom door. I heard their muffled counting through the door. After stopping off in the bathroom, I made my way downstairs. I had this year’s diary in one hand, the bottle I’d retrieved from the bathroom in the other. I looked at my diary. I had to hold onto it. I’d never let it go again. I couldn’t. The diary would have to be my strength, my courage.
In the kitchen I worked quickly until the hot chocolate was ready. Placing three steaming mugs on a tray, I carefully carried it upstairs.
‘Here we are. Hot chocolates all round.’ I smiled as I walked into the bedroom, tray in hand.
I handed one cup to Julian on the lower bunk, and one cup up to Judith before taking the third cup for myself.
‘Nan, this tastes a bit funny,’ Judith complained at the first taste.
‘That’s because I wasn’t watching the milk and it boiled. Milk should be warmed, not boiled, if you’re making hot chocolate, otherwise it tastes bitter. That’s why I put extra sugars in each cup.’ I smiled and sipped at my hot chocolate. ‘Come on, you two. Drink it down. It’ll help you sleep.’
The Stuff of Nightmares Page 21
