by Charity B.
He shakes me as he screams, “You are my fucking property! It’s not up to you whether you live or die, it’s up to me! You do not get to destroy yourself. That is my Goddamn privilege because I. Paid. For. You.” I think he might rip my arm off when he yanks me to the bed and throws me down. “You don’t get to feel anything unless I want you to feel it. You are nothing, you are less than nothing, yet I give you purpose. I am your Maker!”
I can hear him undoing his pants and the tears well up. I know Toben doesn’t believe in God, but I don’t know what I believe, so I pray.
No more, please God, just no more. I can’t take it.
“How do you repay my kindness? You try to fucking steal from me!” God doesn’t hear my prayer. “You will suffer for it, Lotus.”
And suffer I do.
Now he knows it isn’t the pain that will destroy me, it’s the pleasure. I try to fight it every time and every time I fail as I become dirtier and more like Lacie. He says repulsive things about my taste and smell. When he cuts me, I want him to force the knife inside of me. He never does though.
I try with all my might to imagine being somewhere else, anywhere else. I can’t get my mind to leave this basement. I want to do it again. I want to mutilate every vessel and vein making my blood fill this room so I will drown in it. I wouldn’t fail this time.
I won’t though because I can’t bear the thought of Toben dead. One day he will be able to get free and have his normal life back. Maybe he can go live with one of his old friends. It makes me smile to think of him laughing and having fun at school, doing whatever he did before I ruined his life. I will repay him for his love and friendship by living every day, finding peace in him and the happy things. I will seek out comfort in his smile, his smell, the way he constantly wears his beanie, and calls me ‘Love’. I will sink into the deliciousness of the candy and the numbness from the needle. I will even enjoy Logan’s kindness and the times it feels like we are a family. I will exist in between the nightmares, accept what I am and move on.
I am Tavin.
I am Lotus.
I am broken.
I am dirty.
I am a plaything.
I am his whore.
But I am not alone. Toben is my saving grace. He is the boy whose name sounds like mine. He’s how I will survive.
Logan takes everything I can give tonight, yet he continues. I just can’t keep my eyes open anymore.
I smell him and I feel his chest rising and falling. How did I end up in bed with Toben? I lift my head and am instantly aware of the ache throughout my body. He’s asleep and I watch him as I run my fingers across his stomach and chest. He has his beanie on, so I slip it off and as if he can sense it missing, he begins to wake up.
“Hey, Love,” he rasps.
“What happened?” I prop myself up on my elbows, and he pulls me on top of him so that I’m straddling him. He runs his hands along the outside of my thighs, before reaching up to pull my mouth against his.
“You passed out. Not that it stopped Logan. He said he wasn’t done and that we would both pay for this later.” He moves his lips across my neck to my shoulder. “When it was apparent you weren’t going to wake up for a while, he finished, put you to bed, showered, and left.”
His lips move back to my mouth as he rolls us over to place me on my back. I know what happens when Logan is ready to have sex and right now, it’s happening to Toben. He isn’t doing anything besides kissing me, I just hate that he wants to. He pulls my leg around his waist and presses himself against me. I have to ask him to stop. He groans against my lips.
“Let’s get high, Love.” I could cry with relief. He isn’t making me stop him, he’s stopping on his own. “Get it ready, I’ll be right back.”
I have his hit ready and I have just mixed the water into the spoon for mine when he comes out of the bathroom. He kisses my head and cleans his arm. When my hit is ready, we sit cross legged on the bed and face each other. We slide the needles in, untie our arms, kiss, and push in our freedom.
Finally, I am a beautiful nothing…
Four months later—October, 2006
EVER SINCE MY BIRTHDAY, A couple days ago, my entire body has been tight from living in a state of constant fear and anxiety. I’ve known it was coming for years, but turning fifteen made it sink in. I can’t let it happen. I can’t let him kill her. There has to be a solution. I have to come up with something. He favors her and there’s got to be a way I can use that fact to save her.
I put all these thoughts in a box as I climb the stairs behind Logan. He slides the key into the lock and swings open the door to Nikki’s room.
I hate that I get excited to see her. Even though it’s not anything like what I feel for Tavin, I do like her. She’s strong and she can keep almost as quiet as Tav. Whenever I get the chance, I try to comfort her. I’m sure it means nothing though, when I turn around and make her bleed. Regardless, she doesn’t look at me like she does Logan and that does mean something to me.
I look to the floor in front of her bed and she’s on her knees with her hair all over the place. God, she’s so thin. She’s already earned so many beatings from Logan seeing that her food is hardly touched.
“Good evening, Lotus.”
“Good evening, Logan.”
“Good evening, Nikki.”
“Good evening, Toben.”
She says my name with spite. We’ve had our moments, though. I try to make her smile when Logan isn’t looking and she tries to fight it.
He puts his bag on the floor and kneels in front of her. “I have a surprise for you today.” His head turns to the side to address me too. “It’s yours as well, for your birthday.” Oh shit. This can’t be good. “Lie on the bed, Lotus.” Her eyes flicker to me, but I know as much as she does. “Take off your clothes.” He faces me and nods. “You too.”
What?!
“Can I ask why?”
He sighs. “Why do you think, Toben? Its time. You don’t have to hurt her if you don’t want to, this time. Regardless, you will not be a virgin when you leave this house.”
No. No. No. I’ve been terrified of this. I thought I was in the clear.
“You want me to rape her? I don’t think I can physically do that, Logan.”
He laughs. “You’ve never been touched by someone have you? Trust me, you’ll be able to.”
Of course I haven’t been touched, you fuck! You bought me when I was ten!
“I don’t want to do this, Logan. She’s only thirteen.”
He forces me back against the closed door, slamming his hand against the wall as he grinds his teeth.
“You have two choices. You can get over there and fuck her like I told you to, or when we get back, you’ll do it to Tavin. Either way, it will happen tonight.”
My skin heats up a thousand degrees. Even though I definitely don’t want to do this, the alternative isn’t an option.
I nod my compliance and he pushes off from the wall. The pounding of my heart beats in my skull as I drag my feet to the bed. I’ve never kissed a girl other than Tavin. I only want to do this stuff with her and only if she wants to. I feel like I’m about to betray her.
Nikki’s eyes are filled with tears. I have no idea what I’m doing, but I want to try to make this less horrifying than it has to be. I climb onto the bed and lie on top of her. Leaning down, I kiss her tears, softly trailing down her neck.
Damn it! Logan’s right, my body is reacting to hers. I make all my kisses and touches tender, until she reacts by kissing me back. It’s like a switch goes off and suddenly, I don’t want to be gentle.
Things are going to be different between us now. I honestly don’t know how Nikki feels about what just happened. It didn’t last long, and there were times she didn’t seem miserable. Then she would cry and beg me to stop, screaming that I was hurting her. I hated how that made me feel. Even though I tried to stop, Logan made sure I saw it through to completion.
As I watch Logan with
her, I think I might kind of understand what Tavin may have been feeling when she tried to kill herself a couple months ago. At first, I didn’t want to do that with Nikki, and then I did. Now I hate myself for doing it. It takes a while before the truth of what I’ve done sinks all the way in.
I am a rapist.
I am a murderer.
I am just like him.
The reality seems to rush through my body in a surge of violence, and I explode. Grabbing the first tool I can, I lunge and bring it down on her, hitting over and over. Blow after blow. I let go of my mind and let the rage take control…
“TOBEN THAT’S ENOUGH!” His voice brings everything back into focus in an instant. “KNEEL!”
My knees hit the floor and when I look up at Logan, I’m taken aback by the expression in his eyes. It isn’t the anger I am prepared for…it’s pride.
I’m his little fucked up protégé.
He almost smiles. “You’ve earned the right to give her the treats this time. Now, go get cleaned up.”
Rising to go to her bathroom, I look at her bloodied body. It wasn’t Logan that did that to her.
It was me.
I try not to feel sorry for myself, if I can help it. These girls are suffering so much more than I am, and it’s me causing it half the time. I just never wanted my first time to be with anyone other than Tavin. I sure as hell never wanted it with a non-willing participant. Nikki will hate me for forever, and I deserve it. The only silver lining is keeping Tavin out of it. If I had lost it on her like I just did Nikki…I don’t even want to think about it.
After my shower, I reach into the duffel and pull out the candy and the kit. Today he brought her sour gummy worms. Tavin loves these. Then again, Tavin loves all candy-she’s a little piggy. Logan passes me to go to the bathroom.
His showers are the only time Nikki and I get to be alone. Today though, I am dreading the privacy.
I can tell she’s awake by her whimpers. My throat is dry and I try to swallow as I stalk around her bed. I kneel on the floor and rest my head over my laced fingers on the edge of her mattress as I look at what I’ve done. Her face is the only place untouched other than random blood spatter. He’d kill me if I ever marked her there.
I destroyed her with the whip; little gashes are everywhere. I used my bare fists on her as well and although I can’t see the evidence now, it’ll be there the next time I see her.
As my eyes tether to her blue ones, she whispers, “You’re worse than him.”
My tears well up as I whisper, “Nikki, I don’t know what happened, I just snapped. I hate that he makes me do this.”
She shakes her head, with a wet face. “No. You like it and just pretend not to. He’s at least honest with who he is, he’s real. You? You make people love you before you tear them apart.”
I shouldn’t get angry with her, yet I am. She has no idea what she’s talking about. I throw the candy on the bed.
“I’m sorry that you think you love me, but I love someone too, and she is why I do this. I will rape you and beat you every day for the rest of my life if it will save her. I never asked for your love. I don’t want it.”
Even if the part about not wanting it isn’t completely true, the last thing I want to do is string her along. This isn’t high school. It’s Hell.
I can see my words crush her, turn her to dust. It’s like I’ve had a knife in my chest for years and when shit like this happens, it turns again. My heart must be a twisted, mangled mess by now. Grabbing her arm, I clean her and prepare the fix.
As her eyes become vacant, I let out a sigh and rub her hair in between my fingers. “Enjoy the peace, Nikki.”
I have everything packed up and ready to go when Logan finishes in the bathroom. He pats my shoulder as we pass through the door. “You’ve made me feel a new emotion, Plaything.” When I look at him he grins. “Pride…for someone other than myself.”
That makes me feel even shittier. Not only because I made a child rapist proud of me, but also because part of me feels pleased that I made him happy. I hate to admit that he has been more of a father than my own, and there are times I enjoy being with him as much as I loathe it.
We do a line of coke in the car before I go home to Tavin. He even gives me some to share, as a reward for my performance.
As soon as I see her, the guilt hits me in the face. I don’t know why, it’s not like I had a choice in the matter. I still feel like a lying asshole.
She’s standing by the fridge in a little blue dress, looking gorgeous while she smiles at me. I’m across the basement in four large strides when I hold her face and kiss her. Picking her up, I wrap her legs around my waist, carry her to the table, and sit her down, all while never leaving her lips. I know this can’t go far, I just need her, any little bit that she’s willing to give me. I squeeze her thighs as I open her legs further, allowing me to get closer. I need to be closer. Her lips taste so sweet and she smells so good that all I want to do is lift up this dress and become a part of her.
Goddamn it.
I have to stop. I’ll get off in my pants if I don’t, and that would be humiliating. I also think it would probably freak her out. I pull my lips from her mouth and press my forehead against hers. My voice is lower than normal when I murmur, “Hey, Love.”
She giggles, “Hey, back.”
I hold her hand and press my healed wound against hers. “I have a surprise for you.”
After cutting the lines and rolling up the hundred Logan gave me, we’re on our way to a fun night. We dance to our song, finding happiness, purpose, and love in one another. All the terrible things he’s done to us and the sick things he’s made me do, are almost worth these moments with her.
Later, when she draws on her wall, I sit on the floor next to her, writing in my lyric book, that is quickly becoming filled with words meant for her, as we listen to Slayer. Her art has always had a fanciful and erratic feel, lately though, it’s taken on an eerie nature, even if it is kind of hard to tell. She doesn’t want Logan to see it, so she’ll only draw in the little space that can be hidden by our bed and it all kind of melts together.
My mind keeps going back to the proverbial clock counting down to our demise.
Five months.
Five months is what we have left to live if I don’t come up with some kind of solution. I look at the other half of me, the person who makes me more than a husk, my reason for not sinking one of Logan’s knives into my half dead heart, and I know no matter what the sacrifice-I can’t let her die.
Two months later—December, 2006
The ropes dig into my skin and I try to move my wrists so I can feel the burn. I steal a glance at Toben and he’s watching Logan. Part of me hates that he watches this and I despise that it turns him on.
I wish I could give away four of my five senses. Then I wouldn’t have to hear these horrible sounds and smell the stench of sweat, sex, and cigarettes. I wouldn’t have to watch what he does to me and wouldn’t have to feel any of the things he makes me feel, and maybe I wouldn’t detest myself for when it feels good.
I swear he hears my thoughts because he looks up at me and asks, “Do you like this, Lotus?”
No! I don’t like it! It makes me feel slimy and sick!
“Y-yes, Logan.”
He goes completely still, and when my gaze locks into gold, I see the storm that tells me I just did something bad.
He stands, picks the knife up from the floor, and cuts the rope, nicking my wrists and ankles in the process. Placing a hand over each of my wrists on the arms of the chair he leans forward. We’re so close that our noses are almost touching.
His cinnamon scent burns my nostrils as he growls, “Do you not think I fucking know when you’re lying?” He yanks me out of the chair and picks me up. I hate that he still picks me up, I’m freaking fifteen now! He slams me on the bed so hard that my head bounces forward. He wraps his belt around my neck before he punches me in the rib and I stifle a groan. “Tell me what
you are, Lotus.”
“Your whore.”
“That’s right.” When he pulls tight on the belt, it isn’t long until I see black spots everywhere…
I awake, but he still isn’t finished. After what must be an eternity, he finally abandons all tools and with a disgusting moan, he rolls off me. Leaning across the bed to get his cigarettes out of his pants pocket, he lights one. Toben is kneeling on the floor and I peek at him before Logan pulls me on to his sweaty chest. He strokes my hair with his free hand and tells Toben to get enough ready for all three of us.
We sit on the bed together and Logan gets me fixed up first. Right before the liquid pleasure is pushed into my bloodstream, I flick my eyes toward Toben and he winks at me.
I think I smile…
We’re still all in the bed and Logan still has his arms around me. According to the clock, we’ve been in this same position for over three hours. The heroin is still lingering and Logan allows me to run my fingers across his arm and stomach while he trails his across my thigh. I look up at him and in this moment, I want him to love me, I want him to tell me that I am smart and pretty. Toben is lying across the foot of the bed propped up on his elbow looking at us. I want to know. I will only ask for me, though, Toben might not want me to ask for him.
“Logan?” He turns his head to look at me in question. I’m suddenly nervous. Still, I want to hear what he says so I take a big breath and whisper, “Do you love me?”
He smiles softly and rubs his thumb over my jaw and across my lips. He kisses me and holds my chin so I have to look into his eyes.
He does love me! He’s going to say it!
“No, Lotus. You are my plaything, and that is all.”
I’m grateful the heroin is still in my system because I might cry, otherwise. He pushes me off of him to go into the bathroom and Toben hands me my dress while he kisses me.
