by Doug Ward
least, don't hang a large one. It kind of hurts!
Ward's Laws #43 Lumberjacks who log balsa trees should be kicked outta the union. I mean, can they even call them trees? What do they use to hew down the mighty balsa? A herring?
Ward's Laws #44 I want to know who’s designing men’s shorts? They come down past my knees. They should really call them longs. I look like Pugsley Adams in them. Don't get me wrong. I don't want men to go back to the short shorts days. I saw enough of my dad in those with a pair of striped tube socks to fill far too many therapy sessions. I just want mid length... I want shorts just to be shorts for crying out loud!
Ward's Laws # 45 At what point is a prom gown really a bikini with a long skirt attached to it?
Ward's Laws #46 Crazy glue is not crazy! It’s an inanimate object with no capability toward self-awareness so how could it possibly be crazy?
Ward's Laws #47 My grandmother went to the beauty salon to get a permanent every month. Doesn't something seem wrong there? I mean, shouldn't it be... more permanent than that?
Ward's Laws #48 Cats are NOT supposed to be used in conjunction with catapults. At least they shouldn't...
Ward's Laws #49 I think a place called a beauty parlor should have a much better product leaving than coming in. But, then again, I've seen some of the product that graduates from beauty school and I’m sorry but green and yellow hair, snake bites, eye brow ring, and a neck tattoo should never, a mortarboard get, from a place with beauty as the first word.
Ward's Laws #50 Why don’t scientists spend time investigating some of these mysteries of life. Like if cow Manure is bovine poo, what is mushroom manure?
Ward's Laws #51 I think Bigfoot has a legitimate right to attack humans. We call him Bigfoot for crying out loud!
Ward's Laws #52 Candy assortments are a cruel joke! They give you a box of candy that is nothing more than a big guessing game. You have to actually eat a piece to find out what it is. What if it is something you don't like? It's like playing Russian roulette with chocolate. Crap! Raspberry filling? Yuck.
Ward's Laws #53 I don't understand the "P" in raspberry? I missed the silent "P" thing in English Class. Ok, if you’ve read any of my Laws you probably guessed that I missed a lot in English Class but a silent "P"?
Ward's Laws #54 A couple of years ago they tore down my old dormitory at Slippery Rock University. I think it was to cover up for the atrocities we committed up there. Unlike our government with Abu Ghraib, the college actually ripped it down.
Ward's Laws #55 As men age hair begins growing from everywhere except their heads. Would it be weird if I braided my ear hair?
Ward's Laws #56 What in the world has happened to Vampires? Who wimped them out? They were undead blood-sucking killers. Now they're pretty boy's in designer clothes that sparkle. What gives? Where is Bela Lugosi when we need him?
Ward's Laws #57 The odds of someone stepping in dog crap is directly proportional to the importance of where he or she is going.
Ward's Laws #58 Maybe scientists should stop playing with CERN and Super String Theory and get down to some real science! Like proving that the moon isn't made of green cheese? Or maybe the Jethro Bodine theory, you know, that there are moon maidens up there.
Ward's Laws #59 Why do people say Merry Christmas to you and yours? What's yours?
Ward's Laws #60 What cannibalistic society ARE we a part of here? I was with a group of people who wanted to eat some Chinese. Now, I have some Oriental friends and really love my Oriental students but not in a “take a bite outta one of them” kind of way. Who are we anyway, the Donner party. When did we start eating people? Oh well, it is time to eat breakfast. I think I'll have a Danish.
Ward's Laws #61 Why do people love to go overseas and visit old ruins? I think that has to be one of the dumbest things ever. Don't they get it? They're RUINED!
Ward's Laws #62 If I take an plane to Italy, people will say I traveled overseas. I don't get it. How many seas did I fly over? By my count it was only one.
Ward's Laws #63 I refuse to eat Alphabets cereal. One day the letters spelled out red rum and I couldn't sleep for a week. I don't need their voodoo magic in my life. Did I mention that I have Dyslexia.
Ward's Laws #64 Why didn't they use a palindrome instead of the word Dyslexia? It just seems more humane.
Ward's Laws #65 What makes weeping willows so sad?
Ward's Laws #66 I think pirates are stupid. No, I don't mean the Pittsburgh variety although that is a different variety of idiocy. I mean the "argh matey" type, with the parrot on the shoulder. They are so dumb they bury their treasure on, get this, "Treasure Island." Wow, that should stay hidden. I wonder if they took their trash to "Garbage Island".
Ward's Laws #67 I’m sure the person who named chili never ate a spoonful of the hot stuff.
Ward's Laws #68 You'd think times tables would be used in history class, but no... They're used in Math. Is multiplication too big of a word or are we just lowering the bar. Maybe we should change the name for division to goesintas. One goesinta one, one time. One goesinta two...
Ward's Laws #69 Where is Cognito? I mean I hear of people being incognito but I don't know where that is. I mean, it can't be a great place to hide cause everyone knows your there. Everyone, I guess, but me that is.
Ward's Laws #70 I don't understand my doctor. He tells me to walk or jog every day but when I get the runs he gets concerned.
Ward's Laws #71 Did you ever hear a kid say, "Aw Shoot!". What he’s really saying is "Aw shit!" it's the legal way for kids to swear. Darn in damn. Freaking is ... well, you get my point. What I mean here is if what they are saying is really the same thing then, why do we care so much about it? They are swearing by proxy away.
Ward's Laws #72 Never believe anyone who says they eat chicken fingers.
Ward's Laws #73 If I had a child and he was a boy I’d name him Mat Ternity Ward. If I had a girl I'd name her Pat...
Ward's Laws #74 Men's butts disappear as they age. The cause is debatable but I believe it is from being chewed off. It couldn't be all that time on the couch watching ESPN.
Ward's Laws #75 If a sham is a fake, what is shampoo.
Ward's Laws #76 You know your over-the-hill when it's New Years Eve and the only bar you are going to is a salad bar.
Ward's Laws #77 Why do they have sneeze shields at salad bars? Do they think only people who are 6' tall sneeze? I've seen, seven-year-old kids wipe their noses and grab a set-o-tongs. I prefer to order meals. That way I don't have to watch people sneeze on my food.
Ward's Laws #78 I think I understand why super heroes wear their underwear on the outside. No skid marks. If my tidy whities were skid free I would consider the same.
Ward's Laws #79 Why was Helen of Troy really from Sparta? Were the ancient Greeks directionally challenged or did Homer make a typo?
Ward's Laws #80 If you have to use Wikipedia to figure out what a saying means we should never say it again. Old Lang-Syne means long, long, ago. Nice, but why not just say long, long ago? I know it doesn’t rhyme. but for a poem that rhymes forgot with forgot I think we could make it work.
Ward's Laws #81 If broccoli is so good how come most people cover it with cheese?
Ward's Laws #82 Isn't the word sunlight redundant? Is there a sundark?
Ward's Laws #83 Who the heck thought scented crayons were a good idea. They are just adding to the temptation of the kid who's a borderline crayon eater. Why not come up with fruit scented glue? Stop mumbling!
Ward's Laws #84 I am working on inventing a car that’s Stinkbug powered. I just never want to drive behind it. Ever!
Ward's Laws #85 I refuse to eat cheese whiz. Something about the name just screams don't eat it!
Ward's Laws#86 If perihelion means we are at our closest to the sun, you'd think it would be warm outside. Brrr!
Ward's Laws #87 Why do people insist on dying their hair? Don't they un
derstand you can't kill what is already dead?
Ward's Laws #88 Why don't we use pipe cleaners to clear out clogged pipes?
Ward's Laws #89 I can think of a lot of things that are more fun than a barrel of monkeys. What is so fun about that? They’d probably bite you if you reached in there. Stuck in a barrel with no place to poo. It’d make you cranky not fun!!!
Ward's Laws #90 For all the good in the world why do we stand for a starving artists sale. First and foremost, we should not sell artists in any case, but to slash the price to a sale price right outta the shoot is just wrong. Ok, maybe it is because they are all scrawny due to the starving but that is another issue.
Ward's Laws #91 I have heard people say Santa also spells Satan. Well, St Nicholas is an anagram for chitosans. Chitosans supposedly bind fat molecules, purportedly nullifying fat absorption. If these respellings are so true why is Jolly ole St. Nick so fat? Anagrams shanagrams, just more bunk in a world stuck in the dark ages.
Ward's Laws #92 People who collect dolls don't value their lives. I know those things run around at night giggling in their creepy child like voices. I can imagine them carrying
