by Doug Ward
I think that's how Russia keeps Lennon looking so good. Blue and yellow makes green and now your socialist leader stays as good as the day he died. Even though he's past his expiration date.
Ward's Laws #144 What’s the big deal about babysitting? Baby standing would be impressive!
Wards Laws # 145 When a VW drives by, if one of your friends punches you in the arm while yelling punch-buggy, he or she is not your friend. You should pay this person back by driving past a peanut stand and kicking him in the nuts. You could even yell kick-nutty for good measure. Please note, this will not work if your friend is female. In this case, you could fine a Mellon stand and...
Ward's Laws #146 Life without coffee would truly be hell.
Ward's Laws #147 A road less traveled could be a dead end. Sounds like a fortune cookie, huh?
Ward's Laws #148 Over half of our population is afraid of clowns. They aren't funny or cute. The only thing kids are more afraid of than clowns is Santa.
Wards Laws #149 Man should never send anything to the planet Uranus. Could you imagine the reporters saying "the probe is nearing Uranus". NASA would never be taken seriously again.
Ward's Laws #150 Shouldn't mannequins that portray women be called womanequins? They need to be fixing important stuff like this in Congress. What do they do all day on Capitol Hill?
Ward's Laws #151 Never hangout with a guy named Simon. He's bossy and you have to do exactly what he says of he rejects you.
Ward's Laws #152 Why don't signs that sat beware falling rocks ever look like they were hit by falling rocks?
Ward's Laws #153 Aliens don’t probe humans. Everybody who claims to have a close encounter with little green men claim to have been... probed in their umm... bum? At some point, don't you think the space guys would have probed enough butts? I mean it's not a complex organ. It's a poop chute plain and simple.
Ward's Laws #154 Did you ever notice old people always say kids should go play outside. They then launch into tales about how they played outside all day. Well, if outside is so great, why don't they ever go outside as an adult? Don't be fooled kids. They just want you outta their hair. They’re sick of you monopolizing the TV and want the remote for themselves.
Wards Laws #155 What the heck are road crews thinking. I mean, I understand that maybe one of the workers isn't really smart but to make that poor person hold a sign saying the he or she is “SLOW” is just wrong.
Ward's Laws #156 Whoever came up with the term "padiddle" should be forever banned from naming anything again. Is it Latin? Greek? It sounds like what happens if puppy that can't hold it.
Ward's Laws #157 Old people always say they used to lay in the grass and look up at the clouds, picking out the forms they looked like. Remember kids they had no TV back in those days. That’s why they did stuff like that. Give them a Playstation and see if they would have gone outside. It was almost like they were stuck on Gilligan's Island, not a single luxury.
Ward's Laws #158 Rudolph is a red nosed deer hunters dream. A buck that has a bright red light for a nose wouldn't last for ten minutes around here. He would be mounted on some rednecks wall and Cletus would be singing, "Rudolph the freezer burned flank steak..."
Ward's Laws #159 I think we should stop using toilet paper and instead choose a bidet. My reasoning is, if you fell, and your hand hit a pile of dog poo. Would you wipe it off with a piece of paper and be happily on your way, or would you wash it off? I rest my case!
Ward's Laws #160 What is the deal with Santa Claus? Creeping around in people’s houses late at night. I call that burglary. He's a felon that we all attach some twisted Robin Hood label to. He isn't even sneaky about it. He wears red like a deer hunter.
Ward's Laws #161 If a fork has four tines, we should call one with three tines a threek! I once used a twok to carve a turkey.
Ward's Laws #162 Isn't it funny that Odysseus was the key player in the Odyssey. Do you think Homer was grasping for character names at some point? I wonder if he was thinking... "Hmmm, if I change one letter from the title... no one will pick up on that!"
Ward's Laws #163 Why do we imply that we are walking down a street? Are we so sure that we descend rather than ascend?
Ward's Laws #164 If you scratch your GI Joe or Barbie doll do they then have to get plastic surgery?
Ward's Laws #165 Why do glaciers move so slowly but yet we move very quickly when we slip on ice?
Ward's Laws #166 When future archeologists dig up our remains will they find mittens to be proof that adolescent humans didn't have separated fingers?
Ward's Laws #167 Why do men, when holding tiny little kittens, have the strong urge to crush them? Or is it just me?
Ward's Laws #168 Why do we have to rent special shoes when bowling but you can go to any basketball court and wear your own?
Ward's Laws #169 I think I came up with a groundbreaking new scientific concept that blows String Theory out of the water. I call it Duct Tape Theory.
Ward's Laws #170 Do vegetarians eat gummy bears?
Ward's Laws #171 Do cannibalistic serial killers in China get hungry an hour after they eat?
Ward's Laws #172 Do people who eat anchovies know that those little salty guys still have their poop inside of them? They don’t clean those little suckers out. I eat no beast’s poop. But their milk…
Ward's Laws #173 The stupid blood bank wouldn't let me make a withdrawal.
Ward's Laws #174 Do Egyptians really walk like... Egyptians?
Ward's Laws #175 When people write LOL are they really laughing out loud?
Ward's Laws #176 You'd think all musicians would be fat. All they talk about is jam.
Ward's Laws #177 Do we really have to wait 143 more years, for the founding of the United Federation of Planets? We need to get the eggheads at NASA to hurry up on the warp speed engine!!!
Ward's Laws #178 I wont ever fly in a jumbo jet. Heck, I wont even eat bologna let alone fly in a jet made of the stuff.
Ward's Laws #179 What does Disney have against parents? Every movie they kill one off.
Ward's Laws #180 I think my smart phone needs more memory.
Ward's Laws # 181 I just found out the term finders keepers losers weepers doesn't work in Walmart. Anyone know a good lawyer?
Ward's Laws #182 The name Girl Scout cookies implies they have something to do with the actual cookie process. Heck, they don't even sell them. Their parents do. But if selling a cookie implies naming rights, why does Kmart sell iPods? Shouldn't they sell kpods?
Ward's Laws #183 It's a good thing our butts are in the back cause if it were the other way around instead of plumbers crack we'd be seeing plumbers... It's just too easy.
Ward's Laws #184 I hate text messaging. It's an endless loop. I always think I have to respond so I get this feeling of dread when I get one.
Ward's Laws #185 Never wear a law suit to a wedding reception. I think it would leave a bad impression. Talk about paper cuts.
Ward's Laws #186 Before visiting the United States do Mexicans give each other advice not to drink the water?
Ward's Laws #187 Why do some people get disgusted by others who pick their nose? Do they think it’s a coincidence that our pinky finger is the perfect size for the task? Now if you dig around with your thumb and forefinger. That's disgusting.
Ward's Laws #188 Why is Barbie a doll and GI Joe an action figure? Is that to soften the blow to the young mans father that his son is playing with a doll?
Ward's Laws #189 Do Canadians think the American health care sucks?
Ward's Laws #190 Can you actually fish for dolphins? I thought they were mammals?
Ward's Laws #191 Jalapeño Peppers burn twice, once on the way in, and again on the way out.
Ward's Laws #192 Why do people eat mushrooms, but not athletes feet? Both are fungus. Add that to your pizza and eat a big ole slice on me, or rather my feet.
Ward's Laws #193 All TV show
s are talk shows, excepting if they feature Marcel Marceau or one of his kind
Ward's Laws #194 I think the word buttermilk is kind of redundant, don't you?
Ward's Laws #195 What was Odysseus thinking? He left his wife for twenty years and he thought there would be no guys hanging out in the hen house?
Ward's Laws #196 I think the word nincompoop is used way to little now-a-days. Just say it once and it will be sliding off your young all day long.
Ward's Laws #197 Politicians are lawyers that lawyers can't trust.
Ward's Laws #198 If you like your own status on Facebook, your really are a loser. (By-the-way, I liked this in my status.)
Ward's Laws #199 How is forced volunteerism not an oxymoron? I feel for students in public schools these days.
Ward's Laws #200 Who the heck dreamed up those old children's stories? Those flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz really freaked me out? Even as an adult!!!
Ward's Laws #201 Did you ever notice they never make movies where the cat dies? No, but they'll whack a dog at the slightest whim. They should at least put warning labels on any movie that shows a dog dying. I was seriously emotionally scared with the ending of Old
